Anonymous
Post 12/05/2022 14:10     Subject: Your thoughts on how to solve this recurring marital disagreement/issue
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here. How do I respond when DH is angry that I hired someone to fix the shower? There is no way he will say thanks or even say nothing. He will definitely be annoyed.

And to the PP who asked if I am a money waster, no I am not. DH and I definitely disagree on what is a worthwhile use of money and what is not, but at the end of every discussion, he has the final say. I have conditioned myself to be very frugal over the years in response to his behavior.


How much is in your household repairs budget?


I was going to suggest to OP that she talk to her DH about having a household repair budget. She can go online to get estimates of what is reasonable (1% or something of purchase price) and they can incorporate it as a steady savings amount every month, like other bills. She can use those funds for these little repairs without bothering him about it. They can agree that repair amounts above a certain amount require agreement of both people.

It sounds like he has financial anxiety.
Anonymous
Post 12/05/2022 14:08     Subject: Your thoughts on how to solve this recurring marital disagreement/issue
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here. How do I respond when DH is angry that I hired someone to fix the shower? There is no way he will say thanks or even say nothing. He will definitely be annoyed.

And to the PP who asked if I am a money waster, no I am not. DH and I definitely disagree on what is a worthwhile use of money and what is not, but at the end of every discussion, he has the final say. I have conditioned myself to be very frugal over the years in response to his behavior.


Your only hope (aside from counseling etc.) is that it will play out like this:

DH: Why did you pay someone to fix the grout when I said I didn't want to?!
OP: I asked you to do it and you didn't have the time, so I just took care of it
DH: I didn't want to pay blah blah -insert complaints-

Next home repair that comes up, this is how you approach:

OP: The gutters need to be cleaned. I was going to call XYZ Gutter tomorrow.
DH: That's stupid, I will do it.
OP: If you want to do it yourself that's fine. However, the last time this came up, you never got around to it. So let's figure out a reasonable timeframe that if you don't get to it, I am going to call and hire someone.




This could work only if the DH is accepting of having a "reasonable time frame" discussion. I'll bet he will balk at that and turn it all back onto OP, and say she's pressuring him, doesn't trust that he'll get the job done, he doesn't like having a deadline forced on him, etc. While the script above has good points it just doesn't work with a resistant person who, as OP has noted, neither wants to pay anyone to do anything nor wants to do the hands-on work himself in reality. With someone self-aware enough to see that he has slacked on this stuff previously in the name of saving money, yes, you could talk time frames after which you hire someone. OP's DH is not that person.


Probably, but it's a reasonable attempt at a compromise. If her DH, a fully grown man, doesn't have an alternative solution to suggest, than he can go kick rocks.
Anonymous
Post 12/05/2022 14:03     Subject: Your thoughts on how to solve this recurring marital disagreement/issue
Anonymous wrote:OP here. How do I respond when DH is angry that I hired someone to fix the shower? There is no way he will say thanks or even say nothing. He will definitely be annoyed.

And to the PP who asked if I am a money waster, no I am not. DH and I definitely disagree on what is a worthwhile use of money and what is not, but at the end of every discussion, he has the final say. I have conditioned myself to be very frugal over the years in response to his behavior.


How much is in your household repairs budget?
Anonymous
Post 12/05/2022 14:02     Subject: Your thoughts on how to solve this recurring marital disagreement/issue
Anonymous wrote:For background, we are in our early 40's, have 2 school aged children, and I work half time while DH works full time in a demanding job but has a decent amount of flexibility. I am also the primary parent who handles 90% of kid related stuff (medical/dental appts, clothes, activity/camp signups, most kid transportation, etc.) We have no debt aside from a very affordable mortage and we are ahead on college and retirement savings. (You'll see in a minute why I added the money bit.)

One of our recurring issues, that comes up again and again with different topics, happened again this weekend. It is like groundhog day having the same fight over and over. Please advise, or tell me if I'm wrong or what I should do differently. This happens for all sorts of boring household maintenance but lets just say in this example its fixing the grout in the shower.

Me: I'm going to get some quotes to have the grout fixed in our shower.
Him: No, don't, I'm going to do that myself.
Me: Are you sure? You're very busy and I'd be happy to call someone. I've heard of a few good places to try.
Him: No, its fine, I'm going to do it.
Me. (Very skeptical) Um, okay, if you are sure.

Fast-forward 2/3/6/however many months.

Me: Hey, so we still didn't get the grout fixed, you mentioned you were going to take care of it.
Him: (Almost instantly defensive and mad) Well, I've been pretty busy, why don't you take care of it?
Me: Well I offered to call someone but you didn't want that.
Him: Why can't you just do it yourself? You can look it up how to do it on Youtube just the same as I can!
Me: Well, I don't really want to learn how to fix grout and I'd rather just pay someone who knows what they are doing.
Him: Goes on some rant about how women are capable of doing things, its sexist to assume he should do it (uh, I didn't), he doesn't want to pay to hire it out (we can easily afford it) and so on and so forth.
Me: I usually respond angrily how this is just a normal part of home ownership, we need to take care of the house and then I admit I usually say something grumpy about how the house would just crumble to the ground if it were left up to him.

Its not productive and usually it ends with HIM mad at ME because I didn't go on youtube and learn how to regrout the shower and just do it myself. And this happens more or less the same any time we need something done to the house. It feels insane to me. I feel like my choices are just never bring any of this up ever and let the house fall into disrepair (I'm not really sure he would even notice, or not until it got REALLY bad) or we keep having this stupid fight. And of course numberous things around the house are still not done.

What should I do differently?


Call someone and ask them to show you when they are fixing it. Tell your husband you learn better in person. Its just your learning style. You meet both needs that way.
Anonymous
Post 12/05/2022 14:01     Subject: Your thoughts on how to solve this recurring marital disagreement/issue
Show him the YouTube video where a guy changes a headlight by taking off the front bumper. Comments are disabled. That really got my DH’s attention. Just because someone is doing it on YouTube doesn’t mean they’re doing it WELL.
Anonymous
Post 12/05/2022 14:00     Subject: Your thoughts on how to solve this recurring marital disagreement/issue
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here. How do I respond when DH is angry that I hired someone to fix the shower? There is no way he will say thanks or even say nothing. He will definitely be annoyed.

And to the PP who asked if I am a money waster, no I am not. DH and I definitely disagree on what is a worthwhile use of money and what is not, but at the end of every discussion, he has the final say. I have conditioned myself to be very frugal over the years in response to his behavior.


Your only hope (aside from counseling etc.) is that it will play out like this:

DH: Why did you pay someone to fix the grout when I said I didn't want to?!
OP: I asked you to do it and you didn't have the time, so I just took care of it
DH: I didn't want to pay blah blah -insert complaints-

Next home repair that comes up, this is how you approach:

OP: The gutters need to be cleaned. I was going to call XYZ Gutter tomorrow.
DH: That's stupid, I will do it.
OP: If you want to do it yourself that's fine. However, the last time this came up, you never got around to it. So let's figure out a reasonable timeframe that if you don't get to it, I am going to call and hire someone.




This could work only if the DH is accepting of having a "reasonable time frame" discussion. I'll bet he will balk at that and turn it all back onto OP, and say she's pressuring him, doesn't trust that he'll get the job done, he doesn't like having a deadline forced on him, etc. While the script above has good points it just doesn't work with a resistant person who, as OP has noted, neither wants to pay anyone to do anything nor wants to do the hands-on work himself in reality. With someone self-aware enough to see that he has slacked on this stuff previously in the name of saving money, yes, you could talk time frames after which you hire someone. OP's DH is not that person.
Anonymous
Post 12/05/2022 13:57     Subject: Re:Your thoughts on how to solve this recurring marital disagreement/issue
Men and their youtube.

If it would help I could show you some before youtube, after youtube, hired out after youtube fail pictures.
My husband is no longer allowed to have youtube DIY fixes. EVER.
Anonymous
Post 12/05/2022 13:53     Subject: Your thoughts on how to solve this recurring marital disagreement/issue
Meh... I have waited years to get stuff fixed. It will be many more before its done or I will do it.
Anonymous
Post 12/05/2022 13:52     Subject: Your thoughts on how to solve this recurring marital disagreement/issue
Make sure you're effectively and directly communicating what you want to your husband. I ended up getting your problem from your original post, but I felt like I had to work a little too hard for it.

You want to make sure stuff around the house gets fixed when it needs to be, and you seem happy to arrange to have that done by someone. Your husband says he wants to do it himself, but it never gets done. Make sure you're saying some version of that directly to him.

On the manhood thing, I kind of get it. I'm no good at that stuff, know that I'm no good at it, and don't at all get in the way when my wife arranges to have it fixed. However, my wife sometimes talks about guys who are handy in a way that stings a little bit. If I had more of an ego, was more insecure, or if me fixing this stuff was closer to a real possibility, I can see where my masculinity could get in the way.
Anonymous
Post 12/05/2022 13:51     Subject: Your thoughts on how to solve this recurring marital disagreement/issue
Anonymous wrote:OP here. How do I respond when DH is angry that I hired someone to fix the shower? There is no way he will say thanks or even say nothing. He will definitely be annoyed.

And to the PP who asked if I am a money waster, no I am not. DH and I definitely disagree on what is a worthwhile use of money and what is not, but at the end of every discussion, he has the final say. I have conditioned myself to be very frugal over the years in response to his behavior.


Your only hope (aside from counseling etc.) is that it will play out like this:

DH: Why did you pay someone to fix the grout when I said I didn't want to?!
OP: I asked you to do it and you didn't have the time, so I just took care of it
DH: I didn't want to pay blah blah -insert complaints-

Next home repair that comes up, this is how you approach:

OP: The gutters need to be cleaned. I was going to call XYZ Gutter tomorrow.
DH: That's stupid, I will do it.
OP: If you want to do it yourself that's fine. However, the last time this came up, you never got around to it. So let's figure out a reasonable timeframe that if you don't get to it, I am going to call and hire someone.


Anonymous
Post 12/05/2022 13:43     Subject: Your thoughts on how to solve this recurring marital disagreement/issue
Op, I feel like you have been listening in on my conversations with my husband. In my case when I offer to call someone to do a home repair he takes it as an affront to his manhood or something. Like I don't trust him enough to clean the gutters so I must not think much of his home maintenance abilities. In reality, this project gets put off for so long and I think it's worth the cost to take something off his list. I don't have any advice, just empathy.
Anonymous
Post 12/05/2022 13:34     Subject: Your thoughts on how to solve this recurring marital disagreement/issue
I still would try when he says you handle it, just say great and walk away. Don't mention when the grout if fixed.

He doesn't sound like a guy who will go to therapy or hire a financial advisor. So I would just try a work around.
Anonymous
Post 12/05/2022 13:25     Subject: Your thoughts on how to solve this recurring marital disagreement/issue
Anonymous wrote:OP here. How do I respond when DH is angry that I hired someone to fix the shower? There is no way he will say thanks or even say nothing. He will definitely be annoyed.

And to the PP who asked if I am a money waster, no I am not. DH and I definitely disagree on what is a worthwhile use of money and what is not, but at the end of every discussion, he has the final say. I have conditioned myself to be very frugal over the years in response to his behavior.


I replied above at 13:17 before seeing this.

Oh my. The bold is your big, overarching problem here, then. He has conditioned you, over the years, to respond to what is controlling behavior over money.

If this is eating at you like it would eat at me -- I'd get a third party involved. A couple, actually. A financial adviser who creates a budget (so DH can''t say you're trying to skew the budget or overspend) and a marriage counselor to help you both deal with his need for control.
Anonymous
Post 12/05/2022 13:17     Subject: Re:Your thoughts on how to solve this recurring marital disagreement/issue
Anonymous wrote:Just call and get the grout fixed. Stop talking to him about it. That is my sincere answer I'm not being snarky.


+1

But OP -- while the above is the way to go, will he, after the fact, then get angry/snarky/pouty that "You contracted for work and didn't consult ME!" Or: "You paid $X.00 for someone to do that when you could have gone on YouTube and figured out how to do it yourself!" etc. etc.

In other words: Is your DH going to find a reason to be angry about whatever you do, even if what you do is hire someone to fix a problem you and DH both knew was a problem? Is he going to make the issue about your needing to consult with him, even though when you've tried to consult, he says he'll do it, he drops the ball and the cycle just keeps going? I often find that people who do what your DH is doing are people who will find some other reason to be angry with how a task got done, even if the end result was perfect and done on time and on budget....Is there a larger picture of other "recurring marital disagreements" where he ends up defensive because he dropped the ball, and after that, you can do nothing right?

This might require some bigger talks than just "The tile guy is coming tomorrow at 9." Though I'd still get the tile done ASAP. Someone else posted for you to do nothing and he'd get this fixed when the shower fell on his head or whatever, but that's not an answer; YOU deserve to live in a house that's maintained sufficiently!
Anonymous
Post 12/05/2022 13:15     Subject: Your thoughts on how to solve this recurring marital disagreement/issue
OP here. How do I respond when DH is angry that I hired someone to fix the shower? There is no way he will say thanks or even say nothing. He will definitely be annoyed.

And to the PP who asked if I am a money waster, no I am not. DH and I definitely disagree on what is a worthwhile use of money and what is not, but at the end of every discussion, he has the final say. I have conditioned myself to be very frugal over the years in response to his behavior.