*ego not ago

Anonymous wrote:
Now that the kids are gone, it's just you both.
And...how did you come to this system, if there is one (I will bet $$ that some of you do it all, right?)

Bills
Housework
Appointments
Buying gifts
Holidays
Food shopping and prep
Social life
Trips
Laundry
Yard work if appropriate
Car repair
Maintaining relationships within family, friends

At this point, i'm home and he is still working so he takes care of work, I take care of everything else but he helps where he can. Looking back, it's never been 50/50 for us, always shifting according to circumstances and strengths. If you take ago out of the equation, mutual focus is on finding solutions, not problems.

Bills - me, because I am organized and anal and will make sure they are all paid on time

Housework - housekeeper comes every other week, he usually sweeps inbetween if needed, where as I am the picker-upper of clutter

Appointments - we each take care of our own, if appt is house repair related, he takes care of

Buying gifts - both, I do our kids, he does his family I do mine

Holidays - I cook, he puts up the tree and all the other stuff

Food shopping and prep - me

Social life - me (he wouldn't have one without me)

Trips - me

Laundry - we are currently each doing our own, he does sheets/towels

Yard work if appropriate - a person comes to mow the lawn lawn/edge, he does everything else (mulch, weed, etc)

Car repair - he makes appts and brings in cars, will replace light bulbs himself

Maintaining relationships within family, friends - me with friends and my family, and a little but with his (nieces and nephews). He (barely) keeps in touch with his siblings

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, some of you don't sound retired. I want to offer this advice for when your spouse retires. That is the time (if you haven't done it already) stop cooking for him, stop grocery shopping for him ... certainly hope you haven't been doing his laundry all this time but don't do that. DH and happy in retirement, happy together, enjoy each other but we live more like housemates like if we were in college. He has things he likes to eat, I eat something different. We each know what we -should- eat, to be our healthiest. But we don't police each other.

DWs parents are an example of what not to do. It's crazy that she will cook the dinner and he just sits there and doesn't help clean up. I feel bad for her so I clear the table and get all the dishes in the dishwasher. He does maintenance work around the house but none of the cleaning or laundry.

Is it ok with her, or has she given up out of acceptance?

Anonymous wrote:So, some of you don't sound retired. I want to offer this advice for when your spouse retires. That is the time (if you haven't done it already) stop cooking for him, stop grocery shopping for him ... certainly hope you haven't been doing his laundry all this time but don't do that. DH and happy in retirement, happy together, enjoy each other but we live more like housemates like if we were in college. He has things he likes to eat, I eat something different. We each know what we -should- eat, to be our healthiest. But we don't police each other.

DWs parents are an example of what not to do. It's crazy that she will cook the dinner and he just sits there and doesn't help clean up. I feel bad for her so I clear the table and get all the dishes in the dishwasher. He does maintenance work around the house but none of the cleaning or laundry.

Old patterns are tough to break. But try. Everyone can switch it up every now and again.

So, some of you don't sound retired. I want to offer this advice for when your spouse retires. That is the time (if you haven't done it already) stop cooking for him, stop grocery shopping for him ... certainly hope you haven't been doing his laundry all this time but don't do that. DH and happy in retirement, happy together, enjoy each other but we live more like housemates like if we were in college. He has things he likes to eat, I eat something different. We each know what we -should- eat, to be our healthiest. But we don't police each other.

Anonymous wrote:He does a lot in terms of dishes, cooking, etc. But for most things, I have to tell him to please do XXX, unless it is something he deems important or it saves him money (e.g., oil changes).

But, the "mental" labor of schedules, organization, etc. fall to me. He is not capable of it and is a procrastinator. It's an incredibly stressful burden to maintain the calendar and make sure everyone knows what/when to be. I do get pissy with him over this b/c it's like having another child ("where do I have to be", "What time is practice tonight?") and because IT'S ALL ON THE CALENDAR. DON'T ASK ME. LOOK AT THE CALENDAR.

He also works out of the house and I WAH and my job is flexible. So all the pickups and little things during the day I have to do b/c he's at work. Then he rolls in and has zero appreciation that I've multitasked all day and he's . . . . been at work.

Wow, typing that out, I'm a bit more resentful than I thought I was.

Hello there.

I think the clearest indication of who is pulling more than their weight is how much each person looks forward to being left home alone and what gets done while the one at home is there. I do loads of the tasks that pile up in the ordinary course of our lives. He does less than usual and talks about how much he missed me. I DON'T CARE. MAKE SOME FRIENDS.

He does a lot in terms of dishes, cooking, etc. But for most things, I have to tell him to please do XXX, unless it is something he deems important or it saves him money (e.g., oil changes).

But, the "mental" labor of schedules, organization, etc. fall to me. He is not capable of it and is a procrastinator. It's an incredibly stressful burden to maintain the calendar and make sure everyone knows what/when to be. I do get pissy with him over this b/c it's like having another child ("where do I have to be", "What time is practice tonight?") and because IT'S ALL ON THE CALENDAR. DON'T ASK ME. LOOK AT THE CALENDAR.

He also works out of the house and I WAH and my job is flexible. So all the pickups and little things during the day I have to do b/c he's at work. Then he rolls in and has zero appreciation that I've multitasked all day and he's . . . . been at work.

Wow, typing that out, I"m a bit more resentful than I though I was.