Anonymous
11/24/2022 10:17
Subject: Estranged from parent and always triggered at work
OP, I think I get it. My mom passed away from cancer. She was the only one really into me and my kids. My dad is fine I guess but totally disinterested/makes no effort. My inlaws make superficial effort but have no real interest. They are also extremely wealthy but have made it clear they will not be helping with anything while they are alive.
When I see close extended families (which are everywhere) its really hard.
When I see close extended families (which are everywhere) its really hard.
Anonymous
11/24/2022 02:07
Subject: Estranged from parent and always triggered at work
First, I'm sorry, OP, that you have to deal with the bandaid getting ripped off repeatedly every weekday.
Second, maybe this story will help: My brother married my friend Larla. We all went to the same high school so I knew Larla's family very well; we go way back. She is the middle of three daughters in the family.
My mom was awesome. She was warm and welcoming. Larla's mom was really cold and stingy with affection and love.
When my brother and Larla got married, my mom was so excited and treated her like another daughter.
The weird thing was, the nicer my mom was to her, the angrier at my mom Larla got.
Somewhere along the line Larla got therapy and she realized how messed up her family of origin was. She was in an "enmeshed" family system and she was the one who was the scapegoat child.
Anyways, what was going on was whenever my mom would do something nice, Larla would bristle because it pointed out the deficiencies of her mom, and bring out that longing and sadness and frustration about her mom.
The therapy helped Larla embrace my mom as someone who did have her arms open wide to Larla, as-is.
The point is, there are people in your life *right now* you can cultivate. They will not replace your mom--no one will--but if you can see them as additive as opposed to competing, you will feel much less pain and derive much more pleasure in your life. In large part because your mom will not be center stage anymore.
Second, maybe this story will help: My brother married my friend Larla. We all went to the same high school so I knew Larla's family very well; we go way back. She is the middle of three daughters in the family.
My mom was awesome. She was warm and welcoming. Larla's mom was really cold and stingy with affection and love.
When my brother and Larla got married, my mom was so excited and treated her like another daughter.
The weird thing was, the nicer my mom was to her, the angrier at my mom Larla got.
Somewhere along the line Larla got therapy and she realized how messed up her family of origin was. She was in an "enmeshed" family system and she was the one who was the scapegoat child.
Anyways, what was going on was whenever my mom would do something nice, Larla would bristle because it pointed out the deficiencies of her mom, and bring out that longing and sadness and frustration about her mom.
The therapy helped Larla embrace my mom as someone who did have her arms open wide to Larla, as-is.
The point is, there are people in your life *right now* you can cultivate. They will not replace your mom--no one will--but if you can see them as additive as opposed to competing, you will feel much less pain and derive much more pleasure in your life. In large part because your mom will not be center stage anymore.
Anonymous
11/24/2022 01:07
Subject: Estranged from parent and always triggered at work
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:You're the one who initiated the estrangement, so you can't blame your mother for that. Maybe you miss her and estrangement was not the best way to handle things?
THIS
No. The estrangement was due to the mother's garbage behavior, so the "blame" for the estrangement is hers.
You're both idiots.
Anonymous
11/24/2022 01:03
Subject: Estranged from parent and always triggered at work
Anonymous wrote:You're the one who initiated the estrangement, so you can't blame your mother for that. Maybe you miss her and estrangement was not the best way to handle things?
Oh, STFU.
(not PP)
Anonymous
11/24/2022 00:57
Subject: Estranged from parent and always triggered at work
I can’t imagine having this type of convo with my primary. How do you have the time?! I am usually rushed even discussing my health…
Maybe it’s better to not talk about these things?
Maybe it’s better to not talk about these things?
Anonymous
11/23/2022 22:57
Subject: Estranged from parent and always triggered at work
Anonymous wrote:You're the one who initiated the estrangement, so you can't blame your mother for that. Maybe you miss her and estrangement was not the best way to handle things?
THIS
Anonymous
11/23/2022 22:55
Subject: Re:Estranged from parent and always triggered at work
I am in the same boat and here is what helps...
1.) Gratitude journal-it changes my focus
2.) In a disturbing way I feel it has made me resilient. I have been in abusive work environments where people fell apart and one coworker even needed inpatient treatment to recover and I simply survived until I found a better situation. I was used to poor treatment and I knew I had to just find a better situation. My friend from a warm nurturing home still obsesses over her worst work situation and she never went back to the working world. I never think about my worst situations because I have had to deal with dysfunction my whole life. When mom was in the hospital I did what I needed to do to be supportive and set boundaries when she got abusive. A friend with the most amazing mom slipped into depression when her mom had health issues because she just could not imagine ever losing her mom and still wanting to exist. She is still in therapy dealing with the fact her mom, who is not dying, will one day die.
3.) It made me really shrewd in who I dated and married. I made sure I got out of dysfunctional dating relationships quickly.
4.) I listen to people's stories of loving families and it gives me even more ideas to make sure I break the cycle and as a parent.
5.) I try to have their stories give me hope. It makes me hopeful for the future with my own children if I break the cycle. I try to live vicariously and share their joy.
6.) I try to get a read. occasionally I let slip "mom's a real character" or "I am the black sheep and a disappointment to her" and you'd be surprised...some people in loving situations will share that their own mother wasn't so loving or they had a sibling unfairly targeted. You can send out feelers and decide if you want to share more. Some people will judge, but often you can smell that and avoid sharing.
1.) Gratitude journal-it changes my focus
2.) In a disturbing way I feel it has made me resilient. I have been in abusive work environments where people fell apart and one coworker even needed inpatient treatment to recover and I simply survived until I found a better situation. I was used to poor treatment and I knew I had to just find a better situation. My friend from a warm nurturing home still obsesses over her worst work situation and she never went back to the working world. I never think about my worst situations because I have had to deal with dysfunction my whole life. When mom was in the hospital I did what I needed to do to be supportive and set boundaries when she got abusive. A friend with the most amazing mom slipped into depression when her mom had health issues because she just could not imagine ever losing her mom and still wanting to exist. She is still in therapy dealing with the fact her mom, who is not dying, will one day die.
3.) It made me really shrewd in who I dated and married. I made sure I got out of dysfunctional dating relationships quickly.
4.) I listen to people's stories of loving families and it gives me even more ideas to make sure I break the cycle and as a parent.
5.) I try to have their stories give me hope. It makes me hopeful for the future with my own children if I break the cycle. I try to live vicariously and share their joy.
6.) I try to get a read. occasionally I let slip "mom's a real character" or "I am the black sheep and a disappointment to her" and you'd be surprised...some people in loving situations will share that their own mother wasn't so loving or they had a sibling unfairly targeted. You can send out feelers and decide if you want to share more. Some people will judge, but often you can smell that and avoid sharing.