Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
You get the 8 year old to settle down.

Not a troll. The kid was being violent. He went after his brother, then his father. Something is wrong there.

+1. And 8 is old enough to know he can get away with crying to mommy after he got consequences for punching daddy. He’s not a toddler. This kid seems to be a problem child.

Ok, and whose fault is that? The mom or the dad's, who's yelling "eff you" to his child and putting their hands on his neck?

Op now says that he didn't put his hands on the child's neck.

So we have a father who has an anger problem.
A mother who exaggerates/ lies
An 8 year old who lies and has an anger problem
A younger sibling who has to deal with all of the above and get s beat up by older sibling and mom defends the older sibling.
Family therapy and parenting classes at a minimum.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
You get the 8 year old to settle down.

Not a troll. The kid was being violent. He went after his brother, then his father. Something is wrong there.

+1. And 8 is old enough to know he can get away with crying to mommy after he got consequences for punching daddy. He’s not a toddler. This kid seems to be a problem child.

Ok, and whose fault is that? The mom or the dad's, who's yelling "eff you" to his child and putting their hands on his neck?

Anonymous wrote:I have a child who is violent. I remember the shock I felt when it started. I wish that we had the perfect reactions - but I’m not really sure what that would have been. Over time and through a lot of medical treatment with my son, we got better at anticipating and avoiding.

I say this to point out that you have a child that crossed a hard line. Your husband may have reacted badly. It’s time to discuss bringing the professionals and, in a calmer time, discuss boundaries. But there is a lot of heat of the moment reactions that will never be perfect. And everyone who is now saying run and divorce probably don’t have violent kids. But you do.

+1. I would start with professional help for the child. It sounds like you are dealing with a very difficult situation here.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
You get the 8 year old to settle down.

Not a troll. The kid was being violent. He went after his brother, then his father. Something is wrong there.

+1. And 8 is old enough to know he can get away with crying to mommy after he got consequences for punching daddy. He’s not a toddler. This kid seems to be a problem child.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In the midst of a stressful situation, DS, 8, was sent to his room for fighting with his little brother. DH went in after him to turn a light on and DS started swinging at him, repeatedly. DH responded by grabbing DS by the neck and throwing him on his bed.

I came in on the heels of this, with DS crying and saying he put his hands on my neck, and DH saying he "had to defend himself from haymakers."

This is the first time DH has put hands on kids in the family or me. He does have anger issues and has twice in the past month screamed "f*ck you or go f*ck yourself" to the same child, who when bounding across the room or play wrestling, has hurt him. DH says these are "snap reactions" to being physically hurt when not expecting it.

Where do I go from here?

It would have never gotten past this for me.

+1 that's not okay. Your son is 8! He shouldn't be hearing those words, much less having them thrown at him. It is abusive.

Anonymous wrote:In the midst of a stressful situation, DS, 8, was sent to his room for fighting with his little brother. DH went in after him to turn a light on and DS started swinging at him, repeatedly. DH responded by grabbing DS by the neck and throwing him on his bed.

I came in on the heels of this, with DS crying and saying he put his hands on my neck, and DH saying he "had to defend himself from haymakers."

This is the first time DH has put hands on kids in the family or me. He does have anger issues and has twice in the past month screamed "f*ck you or go f*ck yourself" to the same child, who when bounding across the room or play wrestling, has hurt him. DH says these are "snap reactions" to being physically hurt when not expecting it.

Where do I go from here?

It would have never gotten past this for me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a child who is violent. I remember the shock I felt when it started. I wish that we had the perfect reactions - but I’m not really sure what that would have been. Over time and through a lot of medical treatment with my son, we got better at anticipating and avoiding.

I say this to point out that you have a child that crossed a hard line. Your husband may have reacted badly. It’s time to discuss bringing the professionals and, in a calmer time, discuss boundaries. But there is a lot of heat of the moment reactions that will never be perfect. And everyone who is now saying run and divorce probably don’t have violent kids. But you do.

An 8 year old fighting his little brother is not necessarily a violent child. Boys fight, you have to make sure they are safe. You don’t do that by putting your hands on someone’s neck. Ever.

Siblings can fight. But they shouldn't be putting hands on each other. A lesson dad needs to learn as well

Anonymous wrote:It's quite possible the apple doesn't fall far from the tree and you have two hotheads in your house. I've known a couple of families who had this dynamic and it did not improve with age and only got better once the son left home.

For that reason, I recommend family therapy where a skilled therapist can show both father and son how to practice cooperative behavior and cope with disagreements. Why let this escalate before starting therapy?

This. It's also why your DH is so triggered by this kid - parents tend to not have any idea how to parent the kid that takes after them and gravitate toward the one that takes after the person they fell in love with.

It's hard to tell from this post whether your DH is a maniac or not, but he certainly shouldn't be defending grabbing a child by the throat or screaming the f word at him. So into parenting classes he goes.

What does DH want to do. Does he see his snap reactions as inappropriate ? If he does he shouldn't have a problem going to anger management and getting family therapy.


Separate from your DH you need to find a way to manage your son . He cannot be hurting his siblings. Or attacking his parents. Though I think the attacking your husband is likely a response to his violent behavior.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a child who is violent. I remember the shock I felt when it started. I wish that we had the perfect reactions - but I’m not really sure what that would have been. Over time and through a lot of medical treatment with my son, we got better at anticipating and avoiding.

I say this to point out that you have a child that crossed a hard line. Your husband may have reacted badly. It’s time to discuss bringing the professionals and, in a calmer time, discuss boundaries. But there is a lot of heat of the moment reactions that will never be perfect. And everyone who is now saying run and divorce probably don’t have violent kids. But you do.

An 8 year old fighting his little brother is not necessarily a violent child. Boys fight, you have to make sure they are safe. You don’t do that by putting your hands on someone’s neck. Ever.

I have boys and I grew up with all brothers. Kids fighting is typical. Kids swinging at adults crosses the line. That was the inciting factor.

Anonymous wrote:I think your husband needs anger management

I think you both need parenting classes and possibly therapy for your son he's exhibiting violent behavior towards his sibling and father. You need to get to the bottom of this and put a stop to it.

+1 Your DH is correct to restrain him, but not in the manner he did. He could've held his arm. The instinctive reaction to go for the throat is troublesome. Is it divorce worthy? IDK. If he agrees that what he did was wrong, and willing to seek anger management, I think that is best.

Your son also has anger issues. Is he getting it from the dad?

We have a special needs child who will get physical and try to punch/kick us when angry/frustrated. Neither parent has ever reacted that way. It is not normal parental reaction, even when reacting to physical pain.
Sorry this is happening, OP. I agree with other pps who note that DH's behavior towards DC is escalating & this needs to be taken seriously.
I don't know what you were planning to do for the holidays, but I would take the kids to my parents/siblings/family's house or a hotel. If you have someone to watch the kids tomorrow, meet with DH and start calling to set up appt with a therapist for him/both of you. Also figure out where he can live while you get the therapy/anger management in place. You can set up an arrangement where he lives elsewhere while in treatment, with the goal of him coming back into the home when you have some progress.
If he is fighting you on any of this, I would contact a lawyer.

It's quite possible the apple doesn't fall far from the tree and you have two hotheads in your house. I've known a couple of families who had this dynamic and it did not improve with age and only got better once the son left home.

For that reason, I recommend family therapy where a skilled therapist can show both father and son how to practice cooperative behavior and cope with disagreements. Why let this escalate before starting therapy?

Anonymous wrote:I have a child who is violent. I remember the shock I felt when it started. I wish that we had the perfect reactions - but I’m not really sure what that would have been. Over time and through a lot of medical treatment with my son, we got better at anticipating and avoiding.

I say this to point out that you have a child that crossed a hard line. Your husband may have reacted badly. It’s time to discuss bringing the professionals and, in a calmer time, discuss boundaries. But there is a lot of heat of the moment reactions that will never be perfect. And everyone who is now saying run and divorce probably don’t have violent kids. But you do.

An 8 year old fighting his little brother is not necessarily a violent child. Boys fight, you have to make sure they are safe. You don’t do that by putting your hands on someone’s neck. Ever.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. He and my son are saying there was no "strangling" or pressure on the neck, does this matter? I looked immediately afterwards and saw no marks.

In my mind there are 1k ways to restrain a child or leave the situation without putting hands on the neck. Even moving a child to the bed in a somewhat rough manner by picking them up around the waist or shoulders....

So you totally misrepresented the story.

? No. Everyone, including DH, agrees DH put his hands on DS's neck, and moved him to the bed by using his hands on his neck. I am asking if it matters that neither of them say there was any strangling or pressure around the neck? Ie is it ok to put your hands around someone's neck and throw them to the bed in that fashion, if not choking them.

Is it OK for your kid to beat up his little brother then swing at his father?

Your kid needs discipline.

Given your questioning, I doubt there's much hope for your marriage anyway.