Anonymous
11/23/2022 10:38
Subject: How would you handle the being hurt over children's rejection?
Here's how your family might feel from a different perspective, OP. "My family likes to think they are close, but what that means is pressuring people for more time than they're willing to give. Our dad has some problems with emotional maturity and mistreats people and is easily offended, but we're all supposed to put up with it and appease him "because we're family". If you have a schedule conflict or just need a quiet weekend, people get offended and it's a whole thing to soothe their sensitive feelings. When I was a child, I hated the whole dynamic. Now that I have kids of my own, I'm not willing to run myself and then ragged trying to appease my family. I set some boundaries and it's made me a lot happier. I truly believe this is best for my children."
Anonymous
11/23/2022 10:33
Subject: How would you handle the being hurt over children's rejection?
I mean this with a sincere kind intention. Consider some talk therapy to learn how to deal with your reactions and feelings to this stuff. There's a good chance that one day you will be a mother-in-law and your sensitivity to rejection will morph into a whole new world of hurt when it's your son/dil/grandkids doing the rejecting.
Anonymous
11/23/2022 08:04
Subject: How would you handle the being hurt over children's rejection?
Sometimes people who are raised in that kind of family really dislike it, OP. They don't owe it to you to continue a "close" (aka time-consuming and high-drama) family into the next generation. Maybe they don't want to spend their weekends traveling to every little occasion. Maybe they don't want their kid's birthday to be made tense and awkward by whatever BS is bothering your dad.
If your relatives are putting friends before family, maybe it's because their friends are less of a pain.
If your relatives are putting friends before family, maybe it's because their friends are less of a pain.
Anonymous
11/22/2022 22:31
Subject: How would you handle the being hurt over children's rejection?
TL;DR
Anonymous
11/22/2022 22:17
Subject: Re:How would you handle the being hurt over children's rejection?
Anonymous wrote:---OP HERE
I'm wrapping this up. Good insights from all posters. Going to bed.
Some outstanding stuff was mentioned.
1. I'm sorry my post was so long. I agree it has way too many unnecessary details. My culture is high context, so many times I forget to edit. My bad.
2. I realized in America, it is called second cousins; in my country, my cousins' children are my nephew and nieces.
3. My dad was not invited to my niece's birthday party. Maybe because they expect him to come with us. I asked him to come with me, and he said no, thanks. My dad is someone wonderful, but like anyone, he has flaws. He may need more emotional intelligence and he carries baggage. Please note that cousin B, his wife, and my niece did not attend my son's birthday party when they were specifically invited (my niece and nephew were the only children invited) because they had "other things" to do. This is what created the reaction from my sister and dad. I didn't have to say anything. It is well known in our family that we drop everything for each other's family birthday parties. For example, my sister, parents, and I paid for hotel rooms when we had to travel to my nephew's 2-hour birthday party.
4. I am ok with my own social circle. Our weekends are packed, yet I put family/blood first before friends when needed. Last week, we had three dinner parties and kids' activities. This Thanksgiving, my parents, sister, her family, and my ILs will be together. We are VERY CLOSE. Next week, I am hosting another dinner party and a brunch for friends and their children.
Again, thanks for the clarity. Even the judgmental responses. I needed to hear it all. It helps when someone else points out what you are not seeing. I guess I needed a different point of reference outside of my culture. Like I said in the previous post I am starting to be at peace with all. The article shared helped, it is a little bit more over the top than my case, but the answer was so on-topic!
I take with me the following.
Say to yourself “I did the best I could to have the relationship I wanted with them; it just wasn’t meant to be” Grieve if you need to.
OMG, OP. You are Not Close with these particular relatives. Saying over and over that you are close does not make it so in reality. You cannot force them on to the family culture that you prefer. The more you try, the more they will distance themselves. And it is not well known that you drop everything for birthday parties! If that were true, they would have attended your son's, and your dad wouldn't be having an adult tantrum about a little girl's party.
Anonymous
11/22/2022 22:11
Subject: Re:How would you handle the being hurt over children's rejection?
---OP HERE
I'm wrapping this up. Good insights from all posters. Going to bed.
Some outstanding stuff was mentioned.
1. I'm sorry my post was so long. I agree it has way too many unnecessary details. My culture is high context, so many times I forget to edit. My bad.
2. I realized in America, it is called second cousins; in my country, my cousins' children are my nephew and nieces.
3. My dad was not invited to my niece's birthday party. Maybe because they expect him to come with us. I asked him to come with me, and he said no, thanks. My dad is someone wonderful, but like anyone, he has flaws. He may need more emotional intelligence and he carries baggage. Please note that cousin B, his wife, and my niece did not attend my son's birthday party when they were specifically invited (my niece and nephew were the only children invited) because they had "other things" to do. This is what created the reaction from my sister and dad. I didn't have to say anything. It is well known in our family that we drop everything for each other's family birthday parties. For example, my sister, parents, and I paid for hotel rooms when we had to travel to my nephew's 2-hour birthday party.
4. I am ok with my own social circle. Our weekends are packed, yet I put family/blood first before friends when needed. Last week, we had three dinner parties and kids' activities. This Thanksgiving, my parents, sister, her family, and my ILs will be together. We are VERY CLOSE. Next week, I am hosting another dinner party and a brunch for friends and their children.
Again, thanks for the clarity. Even the judgmental responses. I needed to hear it all. It helps when someone else points out what you are not seeing. I guess I needed a different point of reference outside of my culture. Like I said in the previous post I am starting to be at peace with all. The article shared helped, it is a little bit more over the top than my case, but the answer was so on-topic!
I take with me the following.
Say to yourself “I did the best I could to have the relationship I wanted with them; it just wasn’t meant to be” Grieve if you need to.
I'm wrapping this up. Good insights from all posters. Going to bed.
Some outstanding stuff was mentioned.
1. I'm sorry my post was so long. I agree it has way too many unnecessary details. My culture is high context, so many times I forget to edit. My bad.
2. I realized in America, it is called second cousins; in my country, my cousins' children are my nephew and nieces.
3. My dad was not invited to my niece's birthday party. Maybe because they expect him to come with us. I asked him to come with me, and he said no, thanks. My dad is someone wonderful, but like anyone, he has flaws. He may need more emotional intelligence and he carries baggage. Please note that cousin B, his wife, and my niece did not attend my son's birthday party when they were specifically invited (my niece and nephew were the only children invited) because they had "other things" to do. This is what created the reaction from my sister and dad. I didn't have to say anything. It is well known in our family that we drop everything for each other's family birthday parties. For example, my sister, parents, and I paid for hotel rooms when we had to travel to my nephew's 2-hour birthday party.
4. I am ok with my own social circle. Our weekends are packed, yet I put family/blood first before friends when needed. Last week, we had three dinner parties and kids' activities. This Thanksgiving, my parents, sister, her family, and my ILs will be together. We are VERY CLOSE. Next week, I am hosting another dinner party and a brunch for friends and their children.
Again, thanks for the clarity. Even the judgmental responses. I needed to hear it all. It helps when someone else points out what you are not seeing. I guess I needed a different point of reference outside of my culture. Like I said in the previous post I am starting to be at peace with all. The article shared helped, it is a little bit more over the top than my case, but the answer was so on-topic!
I take with me the following.
Say to yourself “I did the best I could to have the relationship I wanted with them; it just wasn’t meant to be” Grieve if you need to.
Anonymous
11/22/2022 22:05
Subject: Re:How would you handle the being hurt over children's rejection?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Well, I moved back because of family; I guess I created a fantasy in my head that the three little cousins would become close. My son has a younger sister. My nephew and niece don't have siblings. This is it; this is the only peer group they have at this age. No other cousins from my spouse's side. It still hurts that I prioritized my cousin B and his daughter, and I get no reciprocity. Cousin B hangs out with cousin A and his sister. I don't know if this matters, but my sister is invited by cousin B's wife to their house. My sister thinks the wife is weird and felt it was wrong that they didn't come to my son's Birthday party. She won't meddle, which is fine. My dad, on the other hand, is very hurt (he was close to cousin B) and wants me to cut them off. He won't go to my niece's party.
You are expecting a lot of your cousins and their children (who would be your kids' second cousins, not your niece and nephew). Yes, I think you did yourself a disservice by creating a fantasy in which your cousins' children would be close to your children. It's great when that happens with friends, or fourth cousins, or first cousins, but it's not something you can count on, even with sibling relationships! By the way, since the children are already 8 years old, I'd be prepared for even less closeness between the children in future years, since the kids will gravitate even more to friends of their own choosing. If your families are not naturally close, with all the parents on the same page in terms of wanting to develop the kids' relationships, I think you should have low expectations.
Thank you for the answer; this is very wise. I was also thinking the same. We are at the beginning of the end. What I had in my childhood wont' be recreated. And I am starting to be at peace with it.
Anonymous
11/22/2022 22:04
Subject: How would you handle the being hurt over children's rejection?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:
You're way, way, way too needy, OP!
And your rambling post full of ridiculously unnecessary details brings that out even more.
Beware: if you make a big deal out of this, your kids will pick up on it and grow up to be just as paranoid and high-strung as you are.
The relatives are not interested. It's not a character flaw on their part! You can't force friendships.
Please just let it go and find your own social circle.
Good Lord.
I always put my kids first and have never spoken about this in front of them and never will. The only person that knows how I truly feel is my spouse. If I come across as needy, so be it, but our family is close. This is how we were raised in our culture, so this distance is very much out of character. Cousin A also often says she wants ALL kids to hang out together. Is she needy too?
She’s probably just being polite. For example, sometimes people say things like, “we should get coffee sometime,” but they don’t really intend to follow up. It’s not that different from, “we should do this more often,” or “of course the kids should play together like we did as children.”
Also, I haven’t read her posts lamenting how her family is rejecting her kids and asking for advice, so I’m guessing no, she’s not that needy.
This. She's being polite or trying to get you off her back.
What about this situation makes you think your family is close? They don't sound close. And clearly these people do not want to be close with you, even if they were raised that way. Sometimes being raised with a lot of pressure to be or fake-be "close" makes people choose differently when they are adults and have a choice.
Anonymous
11/22/2022 22:02
Subject: How would you handle the being hurt over children's rejection?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:
You're way, way, way too needy, OP!
And your rambling post full of ridiculously unnecessary details brings that out even more.
Beware: if you make a big deal out of this, your kids will pick up on it and grow up to be just as paranoid and high-strung as you are.
The relatives are not interested. It's not a character flaw on their part! You can't force friendships.
Please just let it go and find your own social circle.
Good Lord.
I always put my kids first and have never spoken about this in front of them and never will. The only person that knows how I truly feel is my spouse. If I come across as needy, so be it, but our family is close. This is how we were raised in our culture, so this distance is very much out of character. Cousin A also often says she wants ALL kids to hang out together. Is she needy too?
She’s probably just being polite. For example, sometimes people say things like, “we should get coffee sometime,” but they don’t really intend to follow up. It’s not that different from, “we should do this more often,” or “of course the kids should play together like we did as children.”
Also, I haven’t read her posts lamenting how her family is rejecting her kids and asking for advice, so I’m guessing no, she’s not that needy.
Cousin A doesn't need to post because her son is not being rejected. LOL, the things she will say or DO if what happens to my children ever happens to her or her son!!! But, regardless, I know her, and she means it. It is part of our culture.
Anonymous
11/22/2022 21:47
Subject: Re:How would you handle the being hurt over children's rejection?
Anonymous wrote:Well, I moved back because of family; I guess I created a fantasy in my head that the three little cousins would become close. My son has a younger sister. My nephew and niece don't have siblings. This is it; this is the only peer group they have at this age. No other cousins from my spouse's side. It still hurts that I prioritized my cousin B and his daughter, and I get no reciprocity. Cousin B hangs out with cousin A and his sister. I don't know if this matters, but my sister is invited by cousin B's wife to their house. My sister thinks the wife is weird and felt it was wrong that they didn't come to my son's Birthday party. She won't meddle, which is fine. My dad, on the other hand, is very hurt (he was close to cousin B) and wants me to cut them off. He won't go to my niece's party.
You are expecting a lot of your cousins and their children (who would be your kids' second cousins, not your niece and nephew). Yes, I think you did yourself a disservice by creating a fantasy in which your cousins' children would be close to your children. It's great when that happens with friends, or fourth cousins, or first cousins, but it's not something you can count on, even with sibling relationships! By the way, since the children are already 8 years old, I'd be prepared for even less closeness between the children in future years, since the kids will gravitate even more to friends of their own choosing. If your families are not naturally close, with all the parents on the same page in terms of wanting to develop the kids' relationships, I think you should have low expectations.
Anonymous
11/22/2022 21:35
Subject: How would you handle the being hurt over children's rejection?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:
You're way, way, way too needy, OP!
And your rambling post full of ridiculously unnecessary details brings that out even more.
Beware: if you make a big deal out of this, your kids will pick up on it and grow up to be just as paranoid and high-strung as you are.
The relatives are not interested. It's not a character flaw on their part! You can't force friendships.
Please just let it go and find your own social circle.
Good Lord.
I always put my kids first and have never spoken about this in front of them and never will. The only person that knows how I truly feel is my spouse. If I come across as needy, so be it, but our family is close. This is how we were raised in our culture, so this distance is very much out of character. Cousin A also often says she wants ALL kids to hang out together. Is she needy too?
She’s probably just being polite. For example, sometimes people say things like, “we should get coffee sometime,” but they don’t really intend to follow up. It’s not that different from, “we should do this more often,” or “of course the kids should play together like we did as children.”
Also, I haven’t read her posts lamenting how her family is rejecting her kids and asking for advice, so I’m guessing no, she’s not that needy.
Anonymous
11/22/2022 20:55
Subject: How would you handle the being hurt over children's rejection?
Anonymous wrote:
You're way, way, way too needy, OP!
And your rambling post full of ridiculously unnecessary details brings that out even more.
Beware: if you make a big deal out of this, your kids will pick up on it and grow up to be just as paranoid and high-strung as you are.
The relatives are not interested. It's not a character flaw on their part! You can't force friendships.
Please just let it go and find your own social circle.
Good Lord.
I always put my kids first and have never spoken about this in front of them and never will. The only person that knows how I truly feel is my spouse. If I come across as needy, so be it, but our family is close. This is how we were raised in our culture, so this distance is very much out of character. Cousin A also often says she wants ALL kids to hang out together. Is she needy too?
Anonymous
11/22/2022 20:46
Subject: How would you handle the being hurt over children's rejection?
You're way, way, way too needy, OP!
And your rambling post full of ridiculously unnecessary details brings that out even more.
Beware: if you make a big deal out of this, your kids will pick up on it and grow up to be just as paranoid and high-strung as you are.
The relatives are not interested. It's not a character flaw on their part! You can't force friendships.
Please just let it go and find your own social circle.
Good Lord.
Anonymous
11/22/2022 20:29
Subject: How would you handle the being hurt over children's rejection?
Anonymous wrote:Ok, previous poster here - wth? I was on your side, but now your dad's not going to the party, you might go and ream them out... and who knows, maybe your sister will show up and tell Cousin B's wife that she's weird??
These people invited you to their child's bday party. Go, or don't go. But jeez, with the amount of vitrol you are spewing on your behalf, your dad's, and your sister's, I wouldn't be surprised if cousin b & his wife know how you feel about them, and maybe they are keeping a little distant bc you all are so tough on them.
OP HERE: WOAH, sorry, but you got it wrong. First of all. My dad is a very particular, and I disagree with his take on things. Earlier on, I already told him I wouldn't cut them off. My dad also has some unresolved financial issues with cousin B that dad feels disappointed about. It is their thing not mine.
My sister is not telling anyone they are weird. She thinks that on her OWN, based on what cousin B's wife says to HER about something unrelated to me. Also, my sister is not an idiot and has seen how different people act. I've never told her and won't put her in an uncomfortable position. I love my sister, she is a sweetheart. She is the last person in the world to make a scene.
I've already agreed and won't say anything. I don't think it will make things better.
Anonymous
11/22/2022 20:18
Subject: How would you handle the being hurt over children's rejection?
Anonymous wrote:Yes, go to the party and enjoy - you are getting what you wanted for once! Your kids are included and everyone will be together & having a nice day. Enjoy it, leave when you have to bc you have things that you rsvp'd to earlier - who can fault you for that? You are a good person for honoring your earlier commitments.
I will say - give your cousins some grace. You may not have the full picture - maybe someone is struggling with depression, behavior issues, work, financial issues, illness - even if you think you know all of their issues from your aunt, who really knows what they are experiencing. Just give them the benefit of the doubt that maybe they are doing the best they can...and when they pulled it together to have a party, they invited your children.
Go, have a good time with family & then with good friends - enjoy the abundance, you have multiple people inviting you & your children to celebrate with them, that is really wonderful.
Who knows what tomorrow/next month/next year holds - but sounds like you have a really nice day ahead of you & your kids will have a blast!
OP HERE< Thank you what a great answer. Also, thanks to the other poster who sent the article link. All good stuff.