Why? Because she's your mother and not your cousins' mother. She feels that as your mother, it is still her place to "parent" you and correct you when you speak ill of the dead, especially someone she cherishes. She feels the same way towards your cousins that she feels towards you. She feels they are wrong to say such things about her mother, but she doesn't feel it is her place to parent them and stop them from saying such things. She probably does have expectations of her siblings to say something to their children and when she is alone with her siblings, she may be saying like "Why do you let Larlo say such things about Mother? She was wonderful, but Larlo says such awful things about her" or something like that.

As for what you can do? You reserve your negative comments about your grandmother to when you mother is not listening. You can say such things when you are with your cousins, but you just bite your tongue and don't speak your mind about your grandmother when you mother is present. That's the polite way to get through the holidays.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your mom has distance from your cousins and can tolerate their words better. She has a closer relationship with you so your words hold more power for her than theirs.

She has a need to put your mom in a certain light as it’s an important part of her identity and role.

In general, there is an unspoken rule that you are not to speak ill of someone’s parents. Even if it’s true. It’s natural they will be defensive of their own parent. Their identity is inextricably linked with their parents and it probably their strongest tie in their earthly existence.

You broke that rule. Talk to your cousins if you need an empathetic ear about how your grandmother mistreated you. Your mom is not the right audience.

Well, if OP's parent wants to maintain this unspoken rule over a dead person, she can have a less authentic relationship with her living daughter.

Anybody who demands 100% agreement on everything with family and friends is going to lead a really lonely life. OP should learn to let go of small things like this.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just talk with your cousins about grandma. Stop demanding your mother agree with you.

I definitely don’t care. But it’s hard around the holidays when she is missing her mother and wants us all to feel as sad as she does.

Ahhh okay. Sorry to say, but YTA here. Context is everything.

If she's talking about missing her MOTHER who has DIED, this is NOT the conversation to talk about "well, actually, in some ways, she was kind of a jerk."

The answer you're looking for is "I'm so sorry, Mom. I know that this time of year can bring up a lot of grief around grandma's death. You must miss her so much. What are some of your favorite memories of grandma? What were the holidays like for you as kid?"

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your mom has distance from your cousins and can tolerate their words better. She has a closer relationship with you so your words hold more power for her than theirs.

She has a need to put your mom in a certain light as it’s an important part of her identity and role.

In general, there is an unspoken rule that you are not to speak ill of someone’s parents. Even if it’s true. It’s natural they will be defensive of their own parent. Their identity is inextricably linked with their parents and it probably their strongest tie in their earthly existence.

You broke that rule. Talk to your cousins if you need an empathetic ear about how your grandmother mistreated you. Your mom is not the right audience.

Well, if OP's parent wants to maintain this unspoken rule over a dead person, she can have a less authentic relationship with her living daughter.

Is that really such a big deal? Remember all our parents are just other adults. Flawed, complicated fellow adults.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your mom has distance from your cousins and can tolerate their words better. She has a closer relationship with you so your words hold more power for her than theirs.

She has a need to put your mom in a certain light as it’s an important part of her identity and role.

In general, there is an unspoken rule that you are not to speak ill of someone’s parents. Even if it’s true. It’s natural they will be defensive of their own parent. Their identity is inextricably linked with their parents and it probably their strongest tie in their earthly existence.

You broke that rule. Talk to your cousins if you need an empathetic ear about how your grandmother mistreated you. Your mom is not the right audience.

Well, if OP's parent wants to maintain this unspoken rule over a dead person, she can have a less authentic relationship with her living daughter.

Stop with the drama already. One tiny aspect of a relationship is not going to make the whole relationship “inauthentic.” Next you’ll be urging OP to cut her mother off.

Anonymous wrote:Your mom has distance from your cousins and can tolerate their words better. She has a closer relationship with you so your words hold more power for her than theirs.

She has a need to put your mom in a certain light as it’s an important part of her identity and role.

In general, there is an unspoken rule that you are not to speak ill of someone’s parents. Even if it’s true. It’s natural they will be defensive of their own parent. Their identity is inextricably linked with their parents and it probably their strongest tie in their earthly existence.

You broke that rule. Talk to your cousins if you need an empathetic ear about how your grandmother mistreated you. Your mom is not the right audience.

Well, if OP's parent wants to maintain this unspoken rule over a dead person, she can have a less authentic relationship with her living daughter.

Anonymous wrote:Your mom has distance from your cousins and can tolerate their words better. She has a closer relationship with you so your words hold more power for her than theirs.

She has a need to put your mom in a certain light as it’s an important part of her identity and role.

In general, there is an unspoken rule that you are not to speak ill of someone’s parents. Even if it’s true. It’s natural they will be defensive of their own parent. Their identity is inextricably linked with their parents and it probably their strongest tie in their earthly existence.

You broke that rule. Talk to your cousins if you need an empathetic ear about how your grandmother mistreated you. Your mom is not the right audience.

This isn’t about rules and manipulative moms. It’s about whether OP needs to correct her mom’s wistful memories or just let it drop. An emotionally mature person would do the latter.

Anonymous wrote:Your mom has distance from your cousins and can tolerate their words better. She has a closer relationship with you so your words hold more power for her than theirs.

She has a need to put your mom in a certain light as it’s an important part of her identity and role.

In general, there is an unspoken rule that you are not to speak ill of someone’s parents. Even if it’s true. It’s natural they will be defensive of their own parent. Their identity is inextricably linked with their parents and it probably their strongest tie in their earthly existence.

You broke that rule. Talk to your cousins if you need an empathetic ear about how your grandmother mistreated you. Your mom is not the right audience.

To put *her* mom in a certain light

Your mom has distance from your cousins and can tolerate their words better. She has a closer relationship with you so your words hold more power for her than theirs.

She has a need to put your mom in a certain light as it’s an important part of her identity and role.

In general, there is an unspoken rule that you are not to speak ill of someone’s parents. Even if it’s true. It’s natural they will be defensive of their own parent. Their identity is inextricably linked with their parents and it probably their strongest tie in their earthly existence.

You broke that rule. Talk to your cousins if you need an empathetic ear about how your grandmother mistreated you. Your mom is not the right audience.