Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is your husband the boy’s father? I’m shocked he is leaving you to deal with your son’s violence.

I imagine earning a living has to be a priority for him as it was for my husband. We spent a fortune getting help for my DC and I was barely able to work, so only possible by my husband “leaving me to deal with the violence.” Really think before you post something like this.

Omg I swear this subforum has the most sensitive women on the planet. The husband is aware that this boy is violent toward the love of his life. The obvious question is: what does he do about it? A man whose biological son is violent toward his wife (enough to call the police!) does not leave her to just deal with it for long periods of time. That this question is more off-limits than a son abusing his mom in her husband’s absence reveals so much about this forum.

I understand wanting to do all you can for your child but the first time my 12-year-old son gave me a black eye would be the last time. Especially since he doesn't do this anywhere else and only to his parents.

Perhaps the reality of getting his butt kicked by others at school is enough to keep him in line there. Not saying it's right but it is basic human survival instinct to protect yourself and his classmates certainly would. He probably knows that and it is why he does not do this as school.

OP, if you haven't already read through this information it may have some helpful information. https://msa.maryland.gov/msa/mdmanual/19djj/html/19agen.html

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is your husband the boy’s father? I’m shocked he is leaving you to deal with your son’s violence.

I imagine earning a living has to be a priority for him as it was for my husband. We spent a fortune getting help for my DC and I was barely able to work, so only possible by my husband “leaving me to deal with the violence.” Really think before you post something like this.

Omg I swear this subforum has the most sensitive women on the planet. The husband is aware that this boy is violent toward the love of his life. The obvious question is: what does he do about it? A man whose biological son is violent toward his wife (enough to call the police!) does not leave her to just deal with it for long periods of time. That this question is more off-limits than a son abusing his mom in her husband’s absence reveals so much about this forum.

What she asked for was resources for her DS and she’s gotten some helpful answers from people who have been in the same situation. What she didn’t ask for was opinions on her DH’s travel schedule, which are not helpful. This forum doesn’t have the most sensitive women in the planet, but it does have women who are or have been in crisis with their kids and don’t have time for shame or judgement.

Preach! Until you've walked in someone's shoes, especially SN shoes, STFU.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is your husband the boy’s father? I’m shocked he is leaving you to deal with your son’s violence.

I imagine earning a living has to be a priority for him as it was for my husband. We spent a fortune getting help for my DC and I was barely able to work, so only possible by my husband “leaving me to deal with the violence.” Really think before you post something like this.

Omg I swear this subforum has the most sensitive women on the planet. The husband is aware that this boy is violent toward the love of his life. The obvious question is: what does he do about it? A man whose biological son is violent toward his wife (enough to call the police!) does not leave her to just deal with it for long periods of time. That this question is more off-limits than a son abusing his mom in her husband’s absence reveals so much about this forum.

What she asked for was resources for her DS and she’s gotten some helpful answers from people who have been in the same situation. What she didn’t ask for was opinions on her DH’s travel schedule, which are not helpful. This forum doesn’t have the most sensitive women in the planet, but it does have women who are or have been in crisis with their kids and don’t have time for shame or judgement.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is your husband the boy’s father? I’m shocked he is leaving you to deal with your son’s violence.

I imagine earning a living has to be a priority for him as it was for my husband. We spent a fortune getting help for my DC and I was barely able to work, so only possible by my husband “leaving me to deal with the violence.” Really think before you post something like this.

Omg I swear this subforum has the most sensitive women on the planet. The husband is aware that this boy is violent toward the love of his life. The obvious question is: what does he do about it? A man whose biological son is violent toward his wife (enough to call the police!) does not leave her to just deal with it for long periods of time. That this question is more off-limits than a son abusing his mom in her husband’s absence reveals so much about this forum.

I find this an outrageous case where women are being discriminated against by the courts. An adult-sized boy/girl is very difficult for smaller women to manage. The courts are clearly assuming that all children are sweet and dads around to help.

Needs some reform here!

How you doing, OP? I was thinking about you and hope you're hanging in there. I have a lot of sympathy for you and the other posters who have this on your plate. Hugs.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been in your shoes with a violent kid. Resources are scarce and even scarcer of you can’t private pay. Our costs were over $12k per month before covid so I am not sure where you’re getting $4k.

If school is not a resource and health insurance is not a resource and private pay is not a resource, the only two things I can think of are these. Heavy duty medication or take a peace order out against your child and CPS and the juvenile justice system will have to step in.

I’m sorry. This was the worst thing we went through. I took a peace order out once and the police took my kid to the hospital. I refused to pick him up so they admitted him. I then arranged for a residential program but I had to get him there myself which was pretty scary. I arranged a service to be back up and rescue us if I could not get him there. If he had gone via the juvenile justice system they would have transported him but I wanted a specific program so I dropped the charges.

How is your son now?

Thank you for asking. He is doing well. We had a very difficult four or so years and it kind of set him back A few years when it comes to moving from teen to young adult. Most kids his age are in their first or second year in college and he’s working and getting ready to start at community college but not really sure what he wants to do. He has some learning disabilities in addition to mental health issues so it’s not an easy path.

He still has weekly therapy and medications and that keeps him stable. This past year we’ve seen big improvement with anger issues and with taking personal responsibility for his actions and the consequences of his actions. And the crippling depression isn’t happening anymore - there’s still depression but not the kind that keeps him in bed with the covers over his head for days on end. Age and maturity really help.

Anonymous wrote:

3) there is a way to give custody over to CPS. Basically saying you are not capable of providing care. You lose a lot of control with this and you may never get it back.

Be careful with this. Parents can only terminate parental rights in Maryland with a court order if the judge seems it in the best interest of the child. It is not reversible. And you can be charged with child abandonment if you don’t provide for the child or pick them up when discharged from the hospital.

OP, have you tried the county crisis center where you live?

Anonymous wrote:Is your husband the boy’s father? I’m shocked he is leaving you to deal with your son’s violence.

I imagine earning a living has to be a priority for him as it was for my husband. We spent a fortune getting help for my DC and I was barely able to work, so only possible by my husband “leaving me to deal with the violence.” Really think before you post something like this.

Is your husband the boy’s father? I’m shocked he is leaving you to deal with your son’s violence.

So sorry you are dealing with this. Three thoughts:

1) you need to tell the psychiatrist that the anger/abuse if so bad you are looking into giving up custody or something of that nature. The doctor is not taking this seriously if they are not looking for medication that will help.

2) you need to figure out what the t triggers are at home and just eliminate them. Does he get abusive when you ask him to clean his room? Just don’t. I know it’s not the way you’re supposed to parent but this is survival time. Your goal for parenting should be to do a little better than institutional care, which is a low bar. You can worry about teaching him manners and responsibility when he is in a more stable place and the hormones have stabilized. Long term, I think you likely need parenting classes (the PEP classes are low cost)—-if he is only doing this at home, then there is likely a way to change the home environment. This is not saying you are a bad parent — but you may need to be a different kind of parent for him. (Like a doctor may be a great doctor but that doesn’t mean they know how to do heart surgery—they would need special training to deal with that sort of problem.). You may also want to look at Ross greene’s book the explosive child and some of his other work. They have it at the library k think.


3) there is a way to give custody over to CPS. Basically saying you are not capable of providing care. You lose a lot of control with this and you may never get it back.

I just wanted to say to all of you, that I am so sorry you and your families have dealt with this, and are dealing with this.

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been in your shoes with a violent kid. Resources are scarce and even scarcer of you can’t private pay. Our costs were over $12k per month before covid so I am not sure where you’re getting $4k.

If school is not a resource and health insurance is not a resource and private pay is not a resource, the only two things I can think of are these. Heavy duty medication or take a peace order out against your child and CPS and the juvenile justice system will have to step in.

I’m sorry. This was the worst thing we went through. I took a peace order out once and the police took my kid to the hospital. I refused to pick him up so they admitted him. I then arranged for a residential program but I had to get him there myself which was pretty scary. I arranged a service to be back up and rescue us if I could not get him there. If he had gone via the juvenile justice system they would have transported him but I wanted a specific program so I dropped the charges.

How is your son now?

I’ve been in your shoes with a violent kid. Resources are scarce and even scarcer of you can’t private pay. Our costs were over $12k per month before covid so I am not sure where you’re getting $4k.

If school is not a resource and health insurance is not a resource and private pay is not a resource, the only two things I can think of are these. Heavy duty medication or take a peace order out against your child and CPS and the juvenile justice system will have to step in.

I’m sorry. This was the worst thing we went through. I took a peace order out once and the police took my kid to the hospital. I refused to pick him up so they admitted him. I then arranged for a residential program but I had to get him there myself which was pretty scary. I arranged a service to be back up and rescue us if I could not get him there. If he had gone via the juvenile justice system they would have transported him but I wanted a specific program so I dropped the charges.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry your going through this. If he's able to hold it together at school, it doesn't sound like he's in crisis.

So you're options are to call your insurance company and see what RTFs are available or hire and educational consultant. An EC will be able to get you in but they cost $5-$8k and they usually don't place at places that accept insurance.

One thought might be to reach out to Huntsman in Utah. They do an in depth analysis and you'll come out with a good plan for next steps. And they take insurance.

Our psych couldn't get us in either. There's no better advocate than you and if you find a place you like via insurance, there's no reason you can't call admissions and see what the process is and what the wait looks like.

I agree.

You should not have to live this way. I know you feel stuck. But this may be money very well spent.

We are on Medicaid and there aren't any RTFs that will take him without a psychiatrist saying he must go.

Is your current psych on board with sending him to RTF? My was. I wrote a 2 page letter summarizing the issues and the radon for a higher level of care with the dx and meds. She signed it and I was able to use it our admissions packets. Much easier for me to do the legwork then asking her to make calls etc.