Anonymous
Post 11/17/2022 11:04     Subject: Almost former ILs still want their "party"
Anonymous wrote:Stop responding. They can contact DH with issues.


+1

Anonymous
Post 11/17/2022 11:04     Subject: Almost former ILs still want their "party"
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Be firm. They're way out of line. Know that every law and moral code is with you on this one.


There is no law or moral code about hosting, even when you're married! Her in-laws are just grieving the relationship that was, particularly when it affects their comfort during the Holidays. They'll just have to get used to the new normal. OP and her parents should politely ignore the in-laws as much as possible. In the grand scheme of divorce drama, this is NOT a big deal and could be a lot worse.


Not the PP to whom you're responding, but: Did you miss the part where the STBX-inlaws are contacting her parents and guilting them about getting to spend more time with the grandkids? Re-read the first post. THAT behavior is out of bounds in a big way; the in-laws are taking their grief about the relationship and aiming it at her parents. Surely you get that this is beyond the pale. It's not OP creating divorce drama over Thanksgiving, it's the in-laws creating drama by complaining and dragging her parents into it.

I agree that OP and her parents need to ignore the in-laws in this case, but that is easy for us outsiders to say. It's also easy to say "it could be a lot worse" when it's a holiday and feelings are raw and a separation is still new. If OP's parents are upset and feeling guilty thanks to DH's parents' complaints, that's crappy of the ILs and incredibly crappy that the STBX DH is such a weakling that OP can't even ask him to handle it. He should be the one telling them that they need to lay off and get used to the idea of not seeing the grandkids at every holiday.


No one thinks OP’s STBX shouldn’t be managing his own parents. Of course they should. But that’s just admiring the problem. OP can’t force him to do anything, no matter how right she is to want him to. If she could, she wouldn’t need a divorce.
Anonymous
Post 11/17/2022 11:04     Subject: Almost former ILs still want their "party"
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:DH and I are separated, he moved out a few months ago. We are still going to therapy for kid's sake. He told his side of the family. They are under some weird impression that I am hosting Thanksgiving this year. I am not. This year, it will be just the kids and my parents. I am not having a big get together, I got stuck with hosting throughout our marriage and I can't say I particularly enjoyed it. They are all aghast as to "why aren't you hosting? You are not divorced." We are not divorced, but we are getting there. I want to get us to a point where we are at least on good terms but no, we are not reconciling and moving back together. ILs are now calling my parents, guilt tripping them that "they get to spend time with grandkids during the holidays and they are not". This is so unfair.

I need to nip it in the bud once and for all but how? Without cussing them out?


In all seriousness, did you make this decision yourself or jointly with your soon to be ex? I can see why the other grandparents could be feeling hurt.


+1. So the kids live with you and you are cooking for them and inviting your parents, but not inviting ILs or DH. I totally understand why you don't want to host a big dinner, but you need to start thinking about custody and time. What is the plan with your ex? If part of the issue is that you don't want to have to micromanage your ex's and IL's time with the kids, I totally get that, but you need to be direct with your STBXH and direct at least once with your ILs. "Sylvia, it is Larlo's responsibility to make sure you get time with the grandkids. I have them on Thanksgiving Day. He has yet to let me know if he is seeing them another day that weekend. You need to talk to him about plans."


The bold is a good script to use with the in-laws, OP.
Anonymous
Post 11/17/2022 11:04     Subject: Almost former ILs still want their "party"
Anonymous wrote:Be firm. They're way out of line. Know that every law and moral code is with you on this one.


This. Will your ex get christmas?
Anonymous
Post 11/17/2022 11:04     Subject: Almost former ILs still want their "party"
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:DH and I are separated, he moved out a few months ago. We are still going to therapy for kid's sake. He told his side of the family. They are under some weird impression that I am hosting Thanksgiving this year. I am not. This year, it will be just the kids and my parents. I am not having a big get together, I got stuck with hosting throughout our marriage and I can't say I particularly enjoyed it. They are all aghast as to "why aren't you hosting? You are not divorced." We are not divorced, but we are getting there. I want to get us to a point where we are at least on good terms but no, we are not reconciling and moving back together. ILs are now calling my parents, guilt tripping them that "they get to spend time with grandkids during the holidays and they are not". This is so unfair.

I need to nip it in the bud once and for all but how? Without cussing them out?


In all seriousness, did you make this decision yourself or jointly with your soon to be ex? I can see why the other grandparents could be feeling hurt.


+1. So the kids live with you and you are cooking for them and inviting your parents, but not inviting ILs or DH. I totally understand why you don't want to host a big dinner, but you need to start thinking about custody and time. What is the plan with your ex? If part of the issue is that you don't want to have to micromanage your ex's and IL's time with the kids, I totally get that, but you need to be direct with your STBXH and direct at least once with your ILs. "Sylvia, it is Larlo's responsibility to make sure you get time with the grandkids. I have them on Thanksgiving Day. He has yet to let me know if he is seeing them another day that weekend. You need to talk to him about plans."


I agree with what is above bolded, although I would add "PRIMARILY Larlo's responsibility" -- so you aren't saying "hey, let me know if it's not working out and I'll take it on!" but you also aren't saying "not my problem and I won't ever try to accomodate if I can."

At the same time, some of the posters are telling you to tell the grandparents things the poster prob doesn't even know yet herself, e.g. custody arrangements. They aren't even divorced yet. So you could say something like "we are working on how this will evolve in years to come but for now this is our arrnagement please respsect our process"
Anonymous
Post 11/17/2022 11:02     Subject: Almost former ILs still want their "party"
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:DH and I are separated, he moved out a few months ago. We are still going to therapy for kid's sake. He told his side of the family. They are under some weird impression that I am hosting Thanksgiving this year. I am not. This year, it will be just the kids and my parents. I am not having a big get together, I got stuck with hosting throughout our marriage and I can't say I particularly enjoyed it. They are all aghast as to "why aren't you hosting? You are not divorced." We are not divorced, but we are getting there. I want to get us to a point where we are at least on good terms but no, we are not reconciling and moving back together. ILs are now calling my parents, guilt tripping them that "they get to spend time with grandkids during the holidays and they are not". This is so unfair.

I need to nip it in the bud once and for all but how? Without cussing them out?


In all seriousness, did you make this decision yourself or jointly with your soon to be ex? I can see why the other grandparents could be feeling hurt.


+1. So the kids live with you and you are cooking for them and inviting your parents, but not inviting ILs or DH. I totally understand why you don't want to host a big dinner, but you need to start thinking about custody and time. What is the plan with your ex? If part of the issue is that you don't want to have to micromanage your ex's and IL's time with the kids, I totally get that, but you need to be direct with your STBXH and direct at least once with your ILs. "Sylvia, it is Larlo's responsibility to make sure you get time with the grandkids. I have them on Thanksgiving Day. He has yet to let me know if he is seeing them another day that weekend. You need to talk to him about plans."


PP again. And, to be fair, there is nothing in your post indicating that they "want their party." Last they heard you were separated, and now they are hearing that you are having Thanksgiving and not inviting them. Maybe they are lazy and just want someone else to cook, but it sounds just as likely they are concerned and confused about not seeing the kids.


+1 it doesn’t sound like they have been kept apprised or the true inevitability of divorce.


They sound anxious and confused. Wanting to spend a holiday with their grandchildren hardly makes them evil villains.
Anonymous
Post 11/17/2022 11:01     Subject: Almost former ILs still want their "party"
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Be firm. They're way out of line. Know that every law and moral code is with you on this one.


There is no law or moral code about hosting, even when you're married! Her in-laws are just grieving the relationship that was, particularly when it affects their comfort during the Holidays. They'll just have to get used to the new normal. OP and her parents should politely ignore the in-laws as much as possible. In the grand scheme of divorce drama, this is NOT a big deal and could be a lot worse.


Not the PP to whom you're responding, but: Did you miss the part where the STBX-inlaws are contacting her parents and guilting them about getting to spend more time with the grandkids? Re-read the first post. THAT behavior is out of bounds in a big way; the in-laws are taking their grief about the relationship and aiming it at her parents. Surely you get that this is beyond the pale. It's not OP creating divorce drama over Thanksgiving, it's the in-laws creating drama by complaining and dragging her parents into it.

I agree that OP and her parents need to ignore the in-laws in this case, but that is easy for us outsiders to say. It's also easy to say "it could be a lot worse" when it's a holiday and feelings are raw and a separation is still new. If OP's parents are upset and feeling guilty thanks to DH's parents' complaints, that's crappy of the ILs and incredibly crappy that the STBX DH is such a weakling that OP can't even ask him to handle it. He should be the one telling them that they need to lay off and get used to the idea of not seeing the grandkids at every holiday.
Anonymous
Post 11/17/2022 10:59     Subject: Almost former ILs still want their "party"
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:DH and I are separated, he moved out a few months ago. We are still going to therapy for kid's sake. He told his side of the family. They are under some weird impression that I am hosting Thanksgiving this year. I am not. This year, it will be just the kids and my parents. I am not having a big get together, I got stuck with hosting throughout our marriage and I can't say I particularly enjoyed it. They are all aghast as to "why aren't you hosting? You are not divorced." We are not divorced, but we are getting there. I want to get us to a point where we are at least on good terms but no, we are not reconciling and moving back together. ILs are now calling my parents, guilt tripping them that "they get to spend time with grandkids during the holidays and they are not". This is so unfair.

I need to nip it in the bud once and for all but how? Without cussing them out?


In all seriousness, did you make this decision yourself or jointly with your soon to be ex? I can see why the other grandparents could be feeling hurt.

It’s quite clueless of the in-laws to expect OP to play pretend happy families in this situation.
Anonymous
Post 11/17/2022 10:58     Subject: Almost former ILs still want their "party"
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:DH and I are separated, he moved out a few months ago. We are still going to therapy for kid's sake. He told his side of the family. They are under some weird impression that I am hosting Thanksgiving this year. I am not. This year, it will be just the kids and my parents. I am not having a big get together, I got stuck with hosting throughout our marriage and I can't say I particularly enjoyed it. They are all aghast as to "why aren't you hosting? You are not divorced." We are not divorced, but we are getting there. I want to get us to a point where we are at least on good terms but no, we are not reconciling and moving back together. ILs are now calling my parents, guilt tripping them that "they get to spend time with grandkids during the holidays and they are not". This is so unfair.

I need to nip it in the bud once and for all but how? Without cussing them out?


In all seriousness, did you make this decision yourself or jointly with your soon to be ex? I can see why the other grandparents could be feeling hurt.


+1. So the kids live with you and you are cooking for them and inviting your parents, but not inviting ILs or DH. I totally understand why you don't want to host a big dinner, but you need to start thinking about custody and time. What is the plan with your ex? If part of the issue is that you don't want to have to micromanage your ex's and IL's time with the kids, I totally get that, but you need to be direct with your STBXH and direct at least once with your ILs. "Sylvia, it is Larlo's responsibility to make sure you get time with the grandkids. I have them on Thanksgiving Day. He has yet to let me know if he is seeing them another day that weekend. You need to talk to him about plans."


PP again. And, to be fair, there is nothing in your post indicating that they "want their party." Last they heard you were separated, and now they are hearing that you are having Thanksgiving and not inviting them. Maybe they are lazy and just want someone else to cook, but it sounds just as likely they are concerned and confused about not seeing the kids.


+1 it doesn’t sound like they have been kept apprised or the true inevitability of divorce.
Anonymous
Post 11/17/2022 10:57     Subject: Almost former ILs still want their "party"
Of course this is all frustrating and annoying but it’s also just… not a big deal in the scheme of things. I think you’re probably fixating on it because telling off your in laws about Thanksgiving feels more in your control than other aspects of your split.
Anonymous
Post 11/17/2022 10:53     Subject: Almost former ILs still want their "party"
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:DH and I are separated, he moved out a few months ago. We are still going to therapy for kid's sake. He told his side of the family. They are under some weird impression that I am hosting Thanksgiving this year. I am not. This year, it will be just the kids and my parents. I am not having a big get together, I got stuck with hosting throughout our marriage and I can't say I particularly enjoyed it. They are all aghast as to "why aren't you hosting? You are not divorced." We are not divorced, but we are getting there. I want to get us to a point where we are at least on good terms but no, we are not reconciling and moving back together. ILs are now calling my parents, guilt tripping them that "they get to spend time with grandkids during the holidays and they are not". This is so unfair.

I need to nip it in the bud once and for all but how? Without cussing them out?


In all seriousness, did you make this decision yourself or jointly with your soon to be ex? I can see why the other grandparents could be feeling hurt.


+1. So the kids live with you and you are cooking for them and inviting your parents, but not inviting ILs or DH. I totally understand why you don't want to host a big dinner, but you need to start thinking about custody and time. What is the plan with your ex? If part of the issue is that you don't want to have to micromanage your ex's and IL's time with the kids, I totally get that, but you need to be direct with your STBXH and direct at least once with your ILs. "Sylvia, it is Larlo's responsibility to make sure you get time with the grandkids. I have them on Thanksgiving Day. He has yet to let me know if he is seeing them another day that weekend. You need to talk to him about plans."


PP again. And, to be fair, there is nothing in your post indicating that they "want their party." Last they heard you were separated, and now they are hearing that you are having Thanksgiving and not inviting them. Maybe they are lazy and just want someone else to cook, but it sounds just as likely they are concerned and confused about not seeing the kids.
Anonymous
Post 11/17/2022 10:53     Subject: Re:Almost former ILs still want their "party"
You already did it. They can thrash about if they want.
Anonymous
Post 11/17/2022 10:51     Subject: Almost former ILs still want their "party"
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:DH and I are separated, he moved out a few months ago. We are still going to therapy for kid's sake. He told his side of the family. They are under some weird impression that I am hosting Thanksgiving this year. I am not. This year, it will be just the kids and my parents. I am not having a big get together, I got stuck with hosting throughout our marriage and I can't say I particularly enjoyed it. They are all aghast as to "why aren't you hosting? You are not divorced." We are not divorced, but we are getting there. I want to get us to a point where we are at least on good terms but no, we are not reconciling and moving back together. ILs are now calling my parents, guilt tripping them that "they get to spend time with grandkids during the holidays and they are not". This is so unfair.

I need to nip it in the bud once and for all but how? Without cussing them out?


In all seriousness, did you make this decision yourself or jointly with your soon to be ex? I can see why the other grandparents could be feeling hurt.


+1. So the kids live with you and you are cooking for them and inviting your parents, but not inviting ILs or DH. I totally understand why you don't want to host a big dinner, but you need to start thinking about custody and time. What is the plan with your ex? If part of the issue is that you don't want to have to micromanage your ex's and IL's time with the kids, I totally get that, but you need to be direct with your STBXH and direct at least once with your ILs. "Sylvia, it is Larlo's responsibility to make sure you get time with the grandkids. I have them on Thanksgiving Day. He has yet to let me know if he is seeing them another day that weekend. You need to talk to him about plans."
Anonymous
Post 11/17/2022 10:44     Subject: Almost former ILs still want their "party"
I would just let them know that your soon to be ex dh will get Thanksgiving next year and that it's every other from now on. Grandparents just have to deal with it, just like parents who won't get to see their kids on every holiday now.
Anonymous
Post 11/17/2022 10:42     Subject: Almost former ILs still want their "party"
I think you have to start thinking about what holidays will look like from now on.
You can (and probably should) be firm about excluding them this Thanksgiving, but recognize that in the future - potentially this Christmas - they will do the same in return.
It's worth having a conversation with stb-ex now about how you want to handle holidays in general, and maybe you can implement that for this month and next month.