Anonymous
Post 11/16/2022 20:10     Subject: Re:My sister has asked me to adopt her baby
Anonymous wrote:
Otherwise all it will take is one 23&Me test for this kids world to blow up.


I agree that at some point the child needs to be told the truth. However, I think it will take 2 dNA tests to figure it out. Child must test. Then OP, sister, any other sister, or sister's other child must test. Child will have about 50 per cent DNA from mom and share 25 per cent with bio aunt. Will also share about 25 per cent with half-sister. However, if neither sister tests AND no other offspring test, I don't think someone can say which of two sisters is the bio mom. For example, if a first cousin tests, it could narrow it down to you, your sister and any other sisters you may have, but it won't tell you which sister is the mom.

I think the easiest pathway would be to always tell the child the child is adopted. Just wait a while to tell child who bio mom is. That way, you won't be telling the child a lie. Intra-family adoption is fairly common. If you're not on speaking terms with your mom, just don't mention the adoption. But if you run into a neighbor from childhood, the adoption story should stop any inquiries.

The one possible fly in the ointment is your sister's other child may be the one who tests.


Are you forgetting there’s a sperm donor/father involved here? Any member of his family tree in a genetic database could blow this.
Anonymous
Post 11/16/2022 20:07     Subject: Re:My sister has asked me to adopt her baby
Otherwise all it will take is one 23&Me test for this kids world to blow up.


I agree that at some point the child needs to be told the truth. However, I think it will take 2 dNA tests to figure it out. Child must test. Then OP, sister, any other sister, or sister's other child must test. Child will have about 50 per cent DNA from mom and share 25 per cent with bio aunt. Will also share about 25 per cent with half-sister. However, if neither sister tests AND no other offspring test, I don't think someone can say which of two sisters is the bio mom. For example, if a first cousin tests, it could narrow it down to you, your sister and any other sisters you may have, but it won't tell you which sister is the mom.

I think the easiest pathway would be to always tell the child the child is adopted. Just wait a while to tell child who bio mom is. That way, you won't be telling the child a lie. Intra-family adoption is fairly common. If you're not on speaking terms with your mom, just don't mention the adoption. But if you run into a neighbor from childhood, the adoption story should stop any inquiries.

The one possible fly in the ointment is your sister's other child may be the one who tests.
Anonymous
Post 11/16/2022 19:46     Subject: My sister has asked me to adopt her baby
I wouldn’t tell the mom. You can consider telling the kid when she is older but I really don’t think a 23 and me would blow this up. They are sisters so identical mitochondrial DNA and Y chromosome DNA isn’t a factor. So long as the mom doesn’t get her dna entered on a database, if the child does, it will just show as a cousin to someone that she would other otherwise be a cousin to.
The bigger issue seems to be the dad and what happens if he changes his mind in 20 years and then the child is upset thinking that their father was a sperm donor and then finding out that it was bob who lives in omaha and now says he wishes they had a relationship all these years.
Anonymous
Post 11/16/2022 19:40     Subject: My sister has asked me to adopt her baby
Do you want to adopt a baby?

Had you been thinking of adopting a baby?

Do you want to adopt your sister's baby?
Anonymous
Post 11/16/2022 19:38     Subject: Re:My sister has asked me to adopt her baby
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Contact Jennifer Fairfax. She’s an adoption lawyer. But just know that your sister could change her mind before the birth. If you can handle a roller coaster, you will either have a child or a niece or nephew. It’s a lot to ask but she’s your sister and in a bad place.


2nd this recommendation. She is the best around - we tried several. However, if your sister and birthfather consent you could file and DIY it.


They both consent. Neither of them wants to be a parent. My sister hasn't been very stable for a few years. I suspect drugs are involved.

If this is the case, also understand that the baby could have special needs as well. I mean, that’s always a possibility, but even more so If there is a history of drugs or drinking. Just another factor to consider (I am one of the PP’s advocating counseling).


+1 If so, would you like the birth parents to contribute to medical care of the child
Anonymous
Post 11/16/2022 19:30     Subject: Re:My sister has asked me to adopt her baby
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Contact Jennifer Fairfax. She’s an adoption lawyer. But just know that your sister could change her mind before the birth. If you can handle a roller coaster, you will either have a child or a niece or nephew. It’s a lot to ask but she’s your sister and in a bad place.


2nd this recommendation. She is the best around - we tried several. However, if your sister and birthfather consent you could file and DIY it.


They both consent. Neither of them wants to be a parent. My sister hasn't been very stable for a few years. I suspect drugs are involved.


It would be a very easy, clean adoption if they consent. You go to court and get temporary guardianship so you can put baby on your health insurance and then file for adoption. We finalized our adoption in a few months with Jennifer Fairfax. But, you also may need a home study but some states may waive it because you are a relative. Some courts can also provide one but it will take much longer to finalize the adoption. There is an adoption tax credit to get some of your expenses refunded but you have to pay upfront.
Anonymous
Post 11/16/2022 18:32     Subject: My sister has asked me to adopt her baby
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Thank you for all the advice everyone I'm taking it to heart. I feel very overwhelmed right now. I cut my mother out of my life because she wasn't good for my mental health.


If you don’t tell your mother the truth, you do need to be willing to tel the child the truth.

Otherwise all it will take is one 23&Me test for this kids world to blow up.


This is one of the first things I actually thought of because I've been working on our family tree for years. This is just a lot right now and it was all thrown at me all of a sudden.
Anonymous
Post 11/16/2022 18:31     Subject: My sister has asked me to adopt her baby
Anonymous wrote:OP what "shame"

That is absurd.

I don't believe you this whole story squeaks of troll






I know this is anonymous and it's a forum but I came on here genuinely seeking some help can we please stop with the troll stuff. I'm emotionally drained. My sister feels ashamed that she is 18 weeks pregnant and she lost her wife in May.
Anonymous
Post 11/16/2022 18:30     Subject: My sister has asked me to adopt her baby
Anonymous wrote:Thank you for all the advice everyone I'm taking it to heart. I feel very overwhelmed right now. I cut my mother out of my life because she wasn't good for my mental health.


If you don’t tell your mother the truth, you do need to be willing to tel the child the truth.

Otherwise all it will take is one 23&Me test for this kids world to blow up.
Anonymous
Post 11/16/2022 18:29     Subject: My sister has asked me to adopt her baby
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Do neither of ever see your mom? It sounds like she is engaged in fantastical thinking. Your sister will be pregnant without a baby and you will be no pregnant but with a baby and your mom isn’t supposed to know? Best practices is to tell children who were adopted their origins, so you need to navigate that.

The legal part would be easy if both birth parents consent. I think, however, there is a lot of emotional baggage; is she in a healthy enough state of mind to consent and be ok with that decision forever? particularly since she’s your sister so will see this baby grow up. I would suggest counseling for all of you and if she wants to move forward that is great but be prepared that she does have an opportunity after the birth to change her mind; the time frame varies with the state. For maryland it is 30 days. Good luck to all of you on making the best decision for the child and all adults involved.


Our mom lives on the other side of the country. Because of finances they don't see each other very often and I cut my mother out of my life a few years ago. I I'm in virginia. Thank you for all of your suggestions I think that counseling for everyone is a really good idea


OP, do you go to therapy? Do you have other children? What does your spouse think? There are so many things to consider here and I think that this is too big to try to talk through without professional help. These kinds of decisions are life altering. You want to make sure that whatever choice your sister (and you) make, that you have support to help you there, so that you don't end up harming the relationship with your sister, or the baby.

How old is your sister? Is she healthy? Has she been getting prenatal care? Can you help her access that? Does she have a therapist?
I do go to therapy, I do not have children. I don't think I can have them. I don't have a spouse I'm single but I have a fantastic support system that I have built up over the years. My sister is 35 I believe she is relatively healthy although I suspect there's been drugs in the past. She is just started getting prenatal care in the past few weeks. She's going to be moving here soon so I will be able to help her with things.
Anonymous
Post 11/16/2022 18:27     Subject: My sister has asked me to adopt her baby
Thank you for all the advice everyone I'm taking it to heart. I feel very overwhelmed right now. I cut my mother out of my life because she wasn't good for my mental health.
Anonymous
Post 11/16/2022 18:26     Subject: My sister has asked me to adopt her baby
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Do neither of ever see your mom? It sounds like she is engaged in fantastical thinking. Your sister will be pregnant without a baby and you will be no pregnant but with a baby and your mom isn’t supposed to know? Best practices is to tell children who were adopted their origins, so you need to navigate that.

The legal part would be easy if both birth parents consent. I think, however, there is a lot of emotional baggage; is she in a healthy enough state of mind to consent and be ok with that decision forever? particularly since she’s your sister so will see this baby grow up. I would suggest counseling for all of you and if she wants to move forward that is great but be prepared that she does have an opportunity after the birth to change her mind; the time frame varies with the state. For maryland it is 30 days. Good luck to all of you on making the best decision for the child and all adults involved.


Our mom lives on the other side of the country. Because of finances they don't see each other very often and I cut my mother out of my life a few years ago. I I'm in virginia. Thank you for all of your suggestions I think that counseling for everyone is a really good idea


OP, do you go to therapy? Do you have other children? What does your spouse think? There are so many things to consider here and I think that this is too big to try to talk through without professional help. These kinds of decisions are life altering. You want to make sure that whatever choice your sister (and you) make, that you have support to help you there, so that you don't end up harming the relationship with your sister, or the baby.

How old is your sister? Is she healthy? Has she been getting prenatal care? Can you help her access that? Does she have a therapist?
Anonymous
Post 11/16/2022 18:26     Subject: My sister has asked me to adopt her baby
Anonymous wrote:The part I’d try to talk her out of is the secrecy surrounding this with your mother. I obviously don’t know your relationships involved, but that seems like an unfair ask of you. Unless of course this mother is abusive or something…
agree. The child will not be a baby forever. They need to k is their story.
Anonymous
Post 11/16/2022 18:23     Subject: Re:My sister has asked me to adopt her baby
Anonymous wrote:Contact Jennifer Fairfax. She’s an adoption lawyer. But just know that your sister could change her mind before the birth. If you can handle a roller coaster, you will either have a child or a niece or nephew. It’s a lot to ask but she’s your sister and in a bad place.


+1 I know someone who experienced this. Your sister needs to hand over the baby asap and then go recover elsewhere. Or you need to be fine supporting her raising your niece or nephew.
Anonymous
Post 11/16/2022 18:22     Subject: My sister has asked me to adopt her baby
Anonymous wrote:It will never stay a secret IMO given DNA tracing now.

Nor should it be a secret. Not fair to the baby who will grow into an adult and be angry when he finds out aunt Larla is birth mom Larla and no one told him.