I would talk with his doctors to see if treatment is advisable for your Dad. If his mind is going, and depending on his health in general, going through chemo/radiation might be a bad idea. If there is a good chance the cancer will go into remission, then maybe it’s worth it. But if there is a slim chance of survival, being sick and feeling like crap might not be worth it.

I would look to see if they have hospice facilities in his area.

Also, if your Mom is as bad as you say, most places wont allow her to stay with your dad in AL or SN. She will have to be in MC.

Check with the Dept if Aging in their area. You might be able to get them out of their lease by saying they were taking advantage of an elderly person.

And, this point is really hard for everyone because you want to treat them like competent adults, but really they are reverting back to toddlers/children. They don’t have the ability to make decisions based on competent risk assessment. You and your brother will have to take over more and more, even over your Dad’s complaints.

Anonymous wrote:

it's at point where cleaning up after my Dad's destruction will be almost a full time job in itself.

I can tell you from experience you really want to stay on top of his finances on a week-to-week basis. You don't want to assume everything's ok and then find out a year or two later that he has squandered all his money and is bankrupt and homeless.

Thanks, yes I agree. The problem was prior to a couple weeks ago, my dad would not agree to my brother having access to all the finances. My dad still has his moments where he seems fully lucid and competent...and then other moments where he makes reckless impulsive decisions that costs thousands, sometimes tens of thousands. Like this new apartment; he's less than one month in to a 12 month lease. It's about $3500/month for a two bedroom (southern CA.) From what I've read on CA tenant law, if my brother is able to get my parents into a nursing home, my Dad is still on the hook for rent the remainder of the lease (so almost $40,000) unless the property management is able to rent it to someone else (no idea if that's likely/how "in demand" that complex is.) He didn't even tell my brother he was considering this move or ask his advice first. Yet now he'll expect my brother to bear so much responsibility for it with the longer drives, going to the bank to get cashiers checks, etc.

it's at point where cleaning up after my Dad's destruction will be almost a full time job in itself.

I can tell you from experience you really want to stay on top of his finances on a week-to-week basis. You don't want to assume everything's ok and then find out a year or two later that he has squandered all his money and is bankrupt and homeless.

Anonymous wrote:Skilled nursing facility is very different from assisted living and is much more expensive btw.

Anonymous wrote:Lots of good advice here but just wanted to say that a 55+ community is very different from assisted living or skilled nursing facility.

OP here

Yes, thanks. I saw that someone upthread had mentioned 55+ so that's why I gave more specifics about my parents situation.

Anonymous wrote:OP, are you and your siblings able to keep an eye on your parent’s finances? Quite frankly, those caregivers don’t sound too good—convincing your Dad to move further away from your brother, etc. You don’t want your Dad to be isolated and then manipulated to cut you all out of the loop regarding his and your mom’s care.

Anonymous wrote:
OP - It is good that you and your brother are on the same page in finding care for your parents. It would seem that a skilled nursing facility will fit the need of your mother now and possibly if it had an assisted living facility with it for your dad now. Then he could move into the nursing part as needed. You and your brother will want to check your parents' finances to have an understanding of what they can afford long-term. Also, to know if their finances were to run out could the second one remain in the facility either as the policy of a "buy-in contract" or if they have Medicaid beds -- if one was available at the time.

Yes, we are in the process of trying to get my brother complete control over the finances. He has power of attorney and has been trying to contact the banks, etc. As recently as a few weeks ago, my dad was emphatically against my brother getting involved or even knowing about the finances, yet he was making huge financial mistakes. One of them I've posted about here on DCUM--he was making donations to political candidates--sometimes over a hundred each day! We still aren't sure of the total amount but by looking it up on this website https://www.fec.gov/data/receipts/individual-contributions/?two_year_transaction_period=2022&min_date=01%2F01%2F2021&max_date=12%2F31%2F2022
we know it's at least $90,000 in 2022. My dad stopped when my brother found out about it in July--so that's $90k in about 7 months!

Another huge mistake was just last week. My brother was at my dad's new apartment and a "30 day pay or quit" notice was posted on the door! My dad had literally just moved in the week before. Then my dad got a phone call from the property management saying that his rent check had been returned due to "consumer dispute." We (siblings and I) were really confused what this even meant, his bank account had plenty of money in it to cover the rent check, etc. Finally my brother was able to get it out of my (reluctant to admit? Confused? We're not sure.) dad. He had misplaced his checkbook so he called his bank and put a stop payment on the entire book of checks (about 25) including checks he had already written, like the rent check! Of course, he later found his checkbook but didn't call to release the stop payments. So because his very first rent check was a problem, the property management will now require all rent payments be made by cashiers check, not personal check. Obviously, my dad is not capable of going to the bank and doing this--so it's yet another task my brother will have to do for my dad.

There's been a few other issues too--basically it's at point where cleaning up after my Dad's destruction will be almost a full time job in itself.

Lots of good advice here but just wanted to say that a 55+ community is very different from assisted living or skilled nursing facility.

Skilled nursing facility is very different from assisted living and is much more expensive btw.

OP - It is good that you and your brother are on the same page in finding care for your parents. It would seem that a skilled nursing facility will fit the need of your mother now and possibly if it had an assisted living facility with it for your dad now. Then he could move into the nursing part as needed. You and your brother will want to check your parents' finances to have an understanding of what they can afford long-term. Also, to know if their finances were to run out could the second one remain in the facility either as the policy of a "buy-in contract" or if they have Medicaid beds -- if one was available at the time.

OP, are you and your siblings able to keep an eye on your parent’s finances? Quite frankly, those caregivers don’t sound too good—convincing your Dad to move further away from your brother, etc. You don’t want your Dad to be isolated and then manipulated to cut you all out of the loop regarding his and your mom’s care.

Anonymous wrote:Skilled nursing care OP. Medicare has a list with ratings:
https://www.medicare.gov/care-compare/?providerType=NursingHome&redirect=true

Thank you! This is very helpful and there are two highly rated ones close to my brother's house/the medical facilities my dad goes to.