Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are doing it. I think, for me, it’s easier because I’d finally come to the realization three years ago that he wasn’t into me at all anymore. (This was after years of me asking if there was something going on, hormone levels, what could I do differently.). And so affection on my part just sort of died and we just kept chugging along.

It came to a head about six months ago, when he was forced to tell me some things. Which at that point I honestly didn’t care. I did care that my life had been hijacked, but that was sadness and anger about the past, not anything about what he felt he had to tell me at that particular point.

Our kids are teens. We decided to stay together. No lovers/hookups/etc. ever in the house. We talked a lot about if one of us fell for someone else. It’s really unlikely for me, I’m middle aged and I’m not interested in marriage again. I also can’t see it for him, but that is wrapped up in circumstances.

But, we’d stay together until the kids are in college at least. After that, we are friendly enough to coexist together for financial and general stasis reasons. If one of us does find someone and felt it necessary to be on their own to pursue something, we would split and figure it out then.

It’s been honestly a relief, to know I wasn’t crazy. And also really sad, because things could have been different.

Anyway. I haven’t gone out there myself, I really can’t figure out how. I’d like to spend an evening with someone who thinks I’m interesting, and finds me attractive. I’m lonely. Kissing, Business Time, sure, though I don’t know that I remember how. Like a friend with benefits I guess? But, it’s hard. We are not public/out about it to family or friends. I think about going to a bar and just, what, sitting there to see if someone looks single? I don’t want my face on an app, and I have to imagine men may be weirded out that I’m married and that my husband is completely fine with this.

So, about parenting, being together - it’s been fine. I think it’s better for us now that everything is on the table. Less avoidance. More just, okay, this is how it will be. We talk about it, are open. It’s been good in that respect. I think at some point we may need to tell close friends and immediate family. Individual therapy is happening. No need for couples unless we need help navigating something.

Of course, it’s early on still.

This is incredibly helpful, thank you so much for sharing.

Sure. I’m happy to answer questions, if you have any. I’ll say, though, if our kids were younger, and we were five - ten years younger, I would have decided to divorce.

Why would you have divorced if your DC were younger?

My parents married and divorced different people three times growing up (it’s complicated). It felt easier for me and my siblings to handle when we were younger. Older it was harder to change homes and schools. But, everyone’s experiences are different. Selfishly, also I feel like I could have had a better opportunity to find someone who could be a romantic partner, when I was younger. And honestly, for husband, too. He could have maybe tried to live his life openly. It’s seems a lot harder, for many reasons, when you’re pushing fifty than in your late thirties.

Do you and your H still care for each other platonically? My H and I unfortunately do not, and I'm wondering if that's a prerequisite for a successful parenting marriage. Is it enough that we don't hate each other? We love our DC very much and don't wish to disrupt their life now or ever.

Anonymous wrote:I prefer passion in my marriage and in my life. But perhaps your ability for a passionate physical relationship has passed. Good luck on the peaceful friendship route.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are doing it. I think, for me, it’s easier because I’d finally come to the realization three years ago that he wasn’t into me at all anymore. (This was after years of me asking if there was something going on, hormone levels, what could I do differently.). And so affection on my part just sort of died and we just kept chugging along.

It came to a head about six months ago, when he was forced to tell me some things. Which at that point I honestly didn’t care. I did care that my life had been hijacked, but that was sadness and anger about the past, not anything about what he felt he had to tell me at that particular point.

Our kids are teens. We decided to stay together. No lovers/hookups/etc. ever in the house. We talked a lot about if one of us fell for someone else. It’s really unlikely for me, I’m middle aged and I’m not interested in marriage again. I also can’t see it for him, but that is wrapped up in circumstances.

But, we’d stay together until the kids are in college at least. After that, we are friendly enough to coexist together for financial and general stasis reasons. If one of us does find someone and felt it necessary to be on their own to pursue something, we would split and figure it out then.

It’s been honestly a relief, to know I wasn’t crazy. And also really sad, because things could have been different.

Anyway. I haven’t gone out there myself, I really can’t figure out how. I’d like to spend an evening with someone who thinks I’m interesting, and finds me attractive. I’m lonely. Kissing, Business Time, sure, though I don’t know that I remember how. Like a friend with benefits I guess? But, it’s hard. We are not public/out about it to family or friends. I think about going to a bar and just, what, sitting there to see if someone looks single? I don’t want my face on an app, and I have to imagine men may be weirded out that I’m married and that my husband is completely fine with this.

So, about parenting, being together - it’s been fine. I think it’s better for us now that everything is on the table. Less avoidance. More just, okay, this is how it will be. We talk about it, are open. It’s been good in that respect. I think at some point we may need to tell close friends and immediate family. Individual therapy is happening. No need for couples unless we need help navigating something.

Of course, it’s early on still.

This is incredibly helpful, thank you so much for sharing.

Sure. I’m happy to answer questions, if you have any. I’ll say, though, if our kids were younger, and we were five - ten years younger, I would have decided to divorce.

Why would you have divorced if your DC were younger?

My parents married and divorced different people three times growing up (it’s complicated). It felt easier for me and my siblings to handle when we were younger. Older it was harder to change homes and schools. But, everyone’s experiences are different. Selfishly, also I feel like I could have had a better opportunity to find someone who could be a romantic partner, when I was younger. And honestly, for husband, too. He could have maybe tried to live his life openly. It’s seems a lot harder, for many reasons, when you’re pushing fifty than in your late thirties.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are doing it. I think, for me, it’s easier because I’d finally come to the realization three years ago that he wasn’t into me at all anymore. (This was after years of me asking if there was something going on, hormone levels, what could I do differently.). And so affection on my part just sort of died and we just kept chugging along.

It came to a head about six months ago, when he was forced to tell me some things. Which at that point I honestly didn’t care. I did care that my life had been hijacked, but that was sadness and anger about the past, not anything about what he felt he had to tell me at that particular point.

Our kids are teens. We decided to stay together. No lovers/hookups/etc. ever in the house. We talked a lot about if one of us fell for someone else. It’s really unlikely for me, I’m middle aged and I’m not interested in marriage again. I also can’t see it for him, but that is wrapped up in circumstances.

But, we’d stay together until the kids are in college at least. After that, we are friendly enough to coexist together for financial and general stasis reasons. If one of us does find someone and felt it necessary to be on their own to pursue something, we would split and figure it out then.

It’s been honestly a relief, to know I wasn’t crazy. And also really sad, because things could have been different.

Anyway. I haven’t gone out there myself, I really can’t figure out how. I’d like to spend an evening with someone who thinks I’m interesting, and finds me attractive. I’m lonely. Kissing, Business Time, sure, though I don’t know that I remember how. Like a friend with benefits I guess? But, it’s hard. We are not public/out about it to family or friends. I think about going to a bar and just, what, sitting there to see if someone looks single? I don’t want my face on an app, and I have to imagine men may be weirded out that I’m married and that my husband is completely fine with this.

So, about parenting, being together - it’s been fine. I think it’s better for us now that everything is on the table. Less avoidance. More just, okay, this is how it will be. We talk about it, are open. It’s been good in that respect. I think at some point we may need to tell close friends and immediate family. Individual therapy is happening. No need for couples unless we need help navigating something.

Of course, it’s early on still.

This is incredibly helpful, thank you so much for sharing.

Sure. I’m happy to answer questions, if you have any. I’ll say, though, if our kids were younger, and we were five - ten years younger, I would have decided to divorce.

DP (who can relate to much of this). Is your spouse not straight and if not, do you think that makes this harder or easier?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are doing it. I think, for me, it’s easier because I’d finally come to the realization three years ago that he wasn’t into me at all anymore. (This was after years of me asking if there was something going on, hormone levels, what could I do differently.). And so affection on my part just sort of died and we just kept chugging along.

It came to a head about six months ago, when he was forced to tell me some things. Which at that point I honestly didn’t care. I did care that my life had been hijacked, but that was sadness and anger about the past, not anything about what he felt he had to tell me at that particular point.

Our kids are teens. We decided to stay together. No lovers/hookups/etc. ever in the house. We talked a lot about if one of us fell for someone else. It’s really unlikely for me, I’m middle aged and I’m not interested in marriage again. I also can’t see it for him, but that is wrapped up in circumstances.

But, we’d stay together until the kids are in college at least. After that, we are friendly enough to coexist together for financial and general stasis reasons. If one of us does find someone and felt it necessary to be on their own to pursue something, we would split and figure it out then.

It’s been honestly a relief, to know I wasn’t crazy. And also really sad, because things could have been different.

Anyway. I haven’t gone out there myself, I really can’t figure out how. I’d like to spend an evening with someone who thinks I’m interesting, and finds me attractive. I’m lonely. Kissing, Business Time, sure, though I don’t know that I remember how. Like a friend with benefits I guess? But, it’s hard. We are not public/out about it to family or friends. I think about going to a bar and just, what, sitting there to see if someone looks single? I don’t want my face on an app, and I have to imagine men may be weirded out that I’m married and that my husband is completely fine with this.

So, about parenting, being together - it’s been fine. I think it’s better for us now that everything is on the table. Less avoidance. More just, okay, this is how it will be. We talk about it, are open. It’s been good in that respect. I think at some point we may need to tell close friends and immediate family. Individual therapy is happening. No need for couples unless we need help navigating something.

Of course, it’s early on still.

This is incredibly helpful, thank you so much for sharing.

Sure. I’m happy to answer questions, if you have any. I’ll say, though, if our kids were younger, and we were five - ten years younger, I would have decided to divorce.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are doing it. I think, for me, it’s easier because I’d finally come to the realization three years ago that he wasn’t into me at all anymore. (This was after years of me asking if there was something going on, hormone levels, what could I do differently.). And so affection on my part just sort of died and we just kept chugging along.

It came to a head about six months ago, when he was forced to tell me some things. Which at that point I honestly didn’t care. I did care that my life had been hijacked, but that was sadness and anger about the past, not anything about what he felt he had to tell me at that particular point.

Our kids are teens. We decided to stay together. No lovers/hookups/etc. ever in the house. We talked a lot about if one of us fell for someone else. It’s really unlikely for me, I’m middle aged and I’m not interested in marriage again. I also can’t see it for him, but that is wrapped up in circumstances.

But, we’d stay together until the kids are in college at least. After that, we are friendly enough to coexist together for financial and general stasis reasons. If one of us does find someone and felt it necessary to be on their own to pursue something, we would split and figure it out then.

It’s been honestly a relief, to know I wasn’t crazy. And also really sad, because things could have been different.

Anyway. I haven’t gone out there myself, I really can’t figure out how. I’d like to spend an evening with someone who thinks I’m interesting, and finds me attractive. I’m lonely. Kissing, Business Time, sure, though I don’t know that I remember how. Like a friend with benefits I guess? But, it’s hard. We are not public/out about it to family or friends. I think about going to a bar and just, what, sitting there to see if someone looks single? I don’t want my face on an app, and I have to imagine men may be weirded out that I’m married and that my husband is completely fine with this.

So, about parenting, being together - it’s been fine. I think it’s better for us now that everything is on the table. Less avoidance. More just, okay, this is how it will be. We talk about it, are open. It’s been good in that respect. I think at some point we may need to tell close friends and immediate family. Individual therapy is happening. No need for couples unless we need help navigating something.

Of course, it’s early on still.

This is incredibly helpful, thank you so much for sharing.

Sure. I’m happy to answer questions, if you have any. I’ll say, though, if our kids were younger, and we were five - ten years younger, I would have decided to divorce.

Why would you have divorced if your DC were younger?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are doing it. I think, for me, it’s easier because I’d finally come to the realization three years ago that he wasn’t into me at all anymore. (This was after years of me asking if there was something going on, hormone levels, what could I do differently.). And so affection on my part just sort of died and we just kept chugging along.

It came to a head about six months ago, when he was forced to tell me some things. Which at that point I honestly didn’t care. I did care that my life had been hijacked, but that was sadness and anger about the past, not anything about what he felt he had to tell me at that particular point.

Our kids are teens. We decided to stay together. No lovers/hookups/etc. ever in the house. We talked a lot about if one of us fell for someone else. It’s really unlikely for me, I’m middle aged and I’m not interested in marriage again. I also can’t see it for him, but that is wrapped up in circumstances.

But, we’d stay together until the kids are in college at least. After that, we are friendly enough to coexist together for financial and general stasis reasons. If one of us does find someone and felt it necessary to be on their own to pursue something, we would split and figure it out then.

It’s been honestly a relief, to know I wasn’t crazy. And also really sad, because things could have been different.

Anyway. I haven’t gone out there myself, I really can’t figure out how. I’d like to spend an evening with someone who thinks I’m interesting, and finds me attractive. I’m lonely. Kissing, Business Time, sure, though I don’t know that I remember how. Like a friend with benefits I guess? But, it’s hard. We are not public/out about it to family or friends. I think about going to a bar and just, what, sitting there to see if someone looks single? I don’t want my face on an app, and I have to imagine men may be weirded out that I’m married and that my husband is completely fine with this.

So, about parenting, being together - it’s been fine. I think it’s better for us now that everything is on the table. Less avoidance. More just, okay, this is how it will be. We talk about it, are open. It’s been good in that respect. I think at some point we may need to tell close friends and immediate family. Individual therapy is happening. No need for couples unless we need help navigating something.

Of course, it’s early on still.

This is incredibly helpful, thank you so much for sharing.

Sure. I’m happy to answer questions, if you have any. I’ll say, though, if our kids were younger, and we were five - ten years younger, I would have decided to divorce.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are doing it. I think, for me, it’s easier because I’d finally come to the realization three years ago that he wasn’t into me at all anymore. (This was after years of me asking if there was something going on, hormone levels, what could I do differently.). And so affection on my part just sort of died and we just kept chugging along.

It came to a head about six months ago, when he was forced to tell me some things. Which at that point I honestly didn’t care. I did care that my life had been hijacked, but that was sadness and anger about the past, not anything about what he felt he had to tell me at that particular point.

Our kids are teens. We decided to stay together. No lovers/hookups/etc. ever in the house. We talked a lot about if one of us fell for someone else. It’s really unlikely for me, I’m middle aged and I’m not interested in marriage again. I also can’t see it for him, but that is wrapped up in circumstances.

But, we’d stay together until the kids are in college at least. After that, we are friendly enough to coexist together for financial and general stasis reasons. If one of us does find someone and felt it necessary to be on their own to pursue something, we would split and figure it out then.

It’s been honestly a relief, to know I wasn’t crazy. And also really sad, because things could have been different.

Anyway. I haven’t gone out there myself, I really can’t figure out how. I’d like to spend an evening with someone who thinks I’m interesting, and finds me attractive. I’m lonely. Kissing, Business Time, sure, though I don’t know that I remember how. Like a friend with benefits I guess? But, it’s hard. We are not public/out about it to family or friends. I think about going to a bar and just, what, sitting there to see if someone looks single? I don’t want my face on an app, and I have to imagine men may be weirded out that I’m married and that my husband is completely fine with this.

So, about parenting, being together - it’s been fine. I think it’s better for us now that everything is on the table. Less avoidance. More just, okay, this is how it will be. We talk about it, are open. It’s been good in that respect. I think at some point we may need to tell close friends and immediate family. Individual therapy is happening. No need for couples unless we need help navigating something.

Of course, it’s early on still.

This is incredibly helpful, thank you so much for sharing.

Anonymous wrote:We are doing it. I think, for me, it’s easier because I’d finally come to the realization three years ago that he wasn’t into me at all anymore. (This was after years of me asking if there was something going on, hormone levels, what could I do differently.). And so affection on my part just sort of died and we just kept chugging along.

It came to a head about six months ago, when he was forced to tell me some things. Which at that point I honestly didn’t care. I did care that my life had been hijacked, but that was sadness and anger about the past, not anything about what he felt he had to tell me at that particular point.

Our kids are teens. We decided to stay together. No lovers/hookups/etc. ever in the house. We talked a lot about if one of us fell for someone else. It’s really unlikely for me, I’m middle aged and I’m not interested in marriage again. I also can’t see it for him, but that is wrapped up in circumstances.

But, we’d stay together until the kids are in college at least. After that, we are friendly enough to coexist together for financial and general stasis reasons. If one of us does find someone and felt it necessary to be on their own to pursue something, we would split and figure it out then.

It’s been honestly a relief, to know I wasn’t crazy. And also really sad, because things could have been different.

Anyway. I haven’t gone out there myself, I really can’t figure out how. I’d like to spend an evening with someone who thinks I’m interesting, and finds me attractive. I’m lonely. Kissing, Business Time, sure, though I don’t know that I remember how. Like a friend with benefits I guess? But, it’s hard. We are not public/out about it to family or friends. I think about going to a bar and just, what, sitting there to see if someone looks single? I don’t want my face on an app, and I have to imagine men may be weirded out that I’m married and that my husband is completely fine with this.

So, about parenting, being together - it’s been fine. I think it’s better for us now that everything is on the table. Less avoidance. More just, okay, this is how it will be. We talk about it, are open. It’s been good in that respect. I think at some point we may need to tell close friends and immediate family. Individual therapy is happening. No need for couples unless we need help navigating something.

Of course, it’s early on still.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you openly discussed this?

My parents were probably like this. It would've been fine if my mother wasn't so passive aggressive. But the fact that she was set a bad example and made me on edge.

I think many couples are private with their affection so that's not the issue. Can you both be really kind to each other? Is there still affection? Can you open up the relationship? It's normal for strong feelings to fade, but if you get along fine then you can probably salvage your relationship and build a deeper connection, sexual or not.

There is no affection between us, but we are generally cordial to one another and very affectionate with DC (almost to the point of overcompensating, which probably isn't great either). H has a tendency to patronize when he speaks to me, and I am guilty of nagging him at times. We have not explicitly discussed opening the relationship, but I presume H is sleeping with other people since we are not sleeping with one another. As with many primary caregivers of young children, my libido has been practically nonexistent for several years. Even if and when it returns, however, I am not attracted to H, so do not begrudge extramarital activities as long as they do not negatively impact DC (e.g. by taking time away from family commitments, etc.).

OP, I would seek out a lover. My guess is your libido isn't dead. You have just been married too long. You can spark it and you can bring it back home if you really want to. Be honest with yourself about how hard you've been working at your marriage.

Anonymous wrote:Have you done counseling?