Anonymous wrote:all part of maturing as a parent. They need us less and less and want to spend time with friends more and more. Its tough. I expect them to be with us on Thanksgiving and then hopefully do an activity or dinner one other time, but otherwise, they sleep here and thats about it. Winter and summer break is when life will get back to "normal" for a longer period. Good news is that winter break is just around the corner!

Excellent point.

OP, when it comes to their peers, it's about growth. They have all gone off in different directions. They want, need, to compare experiences. On the cusp of adulthood. What's ahead? They need each other. They need their peers as sounding boards more than their parents

Get some obligations on the calendar early. Not too many and have specific times,

Generally, DH and I found there was a lot of waiting around, in case there was "a sighting". It's hard not to be resentful but you do get use to it and adapt.

I'm in the same position --freshman son. We don't have any rules but he knows we expect him to be here Thanksgiving day & Xmas eve/day. We are lucky in that he has similarly aged cousins that he wants to see, so the family holiday gatherings are fun for him. But I understand that he also craves time with friends--some who were besties for years from whom he has now been separated for a few months. I'd echo what another poster said--he can often make dinner with us & then go out after because his social plans with friends tend to start a little later.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would never want my children to spend time with me because they feel they have to.

When my children come home I ask them if they are planning to be home for dinner and if they say no then I’m fine with it.

I think OP is thinking "who wouldn't want to spend time with me?"

OP here. What I'm actually thinking is "This is new territory and although I have a very good relationship with my son I don't want to have unrealistic expectations. I wonder how other people have navigated this situation that might have advice that would help us. I think I'll ask."

Anonymous wrote:I like to cook and my kids like to eat, so it's often at mealtimes (after going out with friends and sleeping late) wander down because they smell something good cooking - I make a really nice breakfast or lunch and make it seem special (omelette with fruit or a yogurt parfait) - set the table have music on etc. - and we just talk until they go off to their last activity. We may go out to dinner as a family, but the real "hanging out" and catching up takes place at these mealtimes when I make their favorite foods.

That sounds lovely. If I were a college age kid this is a home I'd like coming back to on breaks

I like to cook and my kids like to eat, so it's often at mealtimes (after going out with friends and sleeping late) wander down because they smell something good cooking - I make a really nice breakfast or lunch and make it seem special (omelette with fruit or a yogurt parfait) - set the table have music on etc. - and we just talk until they go off to their last activity. We may go out to dinner as a family, but the real "hanging out" and catching up takes place at these mealtimes when I make their favorite foods.

I told my daughter on college breaks I couldn’t handle the anxiety of worrying past 11:00 pm and I strongly preferred earlier. At college it was easy for a group to share Ubers and she was free to do pretty much as she pleased(within reason) with a generous allowance. At home (not a big city and not Uber ridden) I doubled down on my drinking and driving lectures. Thanksgiving and Christmas vacations were for family, mixed in with shopping and lunch out with friends.

Anonymous wrote:I would never want my children to spend time with me because they feel they have to.

When my children come home I ask them if they are planning to be home for dinner and if they say no then I’m fine with it.

I think OP is thinking "who wouldn't want to spend time with me?"

For short breaks, like Thanksgiving and spring break—

1. put us on the calendar for a family meal. Your favorite restaurant or mom meal that you miss.

2. Be considerate of everyone else in the house. Let us know if you won’t be home for dinner or won’t be home by 11pm (or will be gone overnight), keep the noise down during normal people sleep hours, pick up after yourself, leave your room in such a condition that the cleaning service can work.

Besides that, sleep in, see friends, eat at weird hours (but you cook). The short back and forth scan be a whiplash for kids and parents, so it’s easiest to let them remain in college sleep and eat “mode” and not mess with the budding autonomy, unless the kid is creating problems for other family members.

For winter breaks, (a month) and especially summer months, mostly the same, but during the summer you need to be working, interning, taking classes- something productive. And you need to do your own laundry and a few household chores regularly.

I would never want my children to spend time with me because they feel they have to.

When my children come home I ask them if they are planning to be home for dinner and if they say no then I’m fine with it.

Tell her you would like her to be available during X time for Y activities and let her schedule whatever she wants.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DS is a freshman in college in another state and is about to come home for the first time for Thanksgiving. I am beyond excited to see him! I spoke to him last night though and he informed me of all the plans he's made with friends and other folks during break and I am disappointed. He is almost 19 and has his autonomy at school - I'm not going to make him ask permission to make plans, and I certainly want him to be able to catch up with his friends, coaches, etc., but I do want the chance to see and visit with him. It got me thinking about setting expectations for Christmas and summer breaks as well. For those who have BTDT, how did you handle family obligations and other household obligations when your technically adult child currently attending college was home for breaks? Thanks for your understanding guidance!

Just let him enjoy and relax. Make this about him, not you.

+1000


Let the kids continue to flex their autonomy. You will get plenty of time with them over the course of Thanksgiving and Winter break. At the same time, they may get a job somewhere close to college for summer break or other times. You cannot assume they will be coming to your home for every break going forward.

Luckily and purposefully and with hard work, we have created a bond such that our kids want to spend time with us once they come home. So sometimes they're home, sometimes they're home and friends are visiting, and sometimes they're out with friends. If there's something specific they need to show up for they are told as soon as we know the dates, so they can plan around those events. When they're home they are expected to be respectful and keep quiet when the younger kids are sleeping/studying for their own finals, contribute to the household by emptying the dishwasher, throwing out trash, cooking a meal or two, doing their own laundry, etc. It all works out.

all part of maturing as a parent. They need us less and less and want to spend time with friends more and more. Its tough. I expect them to be with us on Thanksgiving and then hopefully do an activity or dinner one other time, but otherwise, they sleep here and thats about it. Winter and summer break is when life will get back to "normal" for a longer period. Good news is that winter break is just around the corner!