Anonymous
Post 11/13/2022 12:46     Subject: Does having ADHD make a partner more prone to lying?
Anonymous wrote:So he lied, he smokes pot, and he has adhd.

I’d move on from this guy, personally.


+1.

OP, I married the ADHD pothead liar guy. It’s hell. Run as fast as you can.

Honestly if you need to go on a relationship forum for a problem at all while dating, you should bail. Dating is supposed to be the fun, easy part.
Anonymous
Post 11/13/2022 12:41     Subject: Does having ADHD make a partner more prone to lying?
So he lied, he smokes pot, and he has adhd.

I’d move on from this guy, personally.
Anonymous
Post 11/13/2022 12:35     Subject: Does having ADHD make a partner more prone to lying?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:In my experience yes. If you are close to someone with ADD or ASD they can’t keep their public best behavior on 24/7 and unless they really worked on it, they have no positive coping methods to deal with their inevitable mistakes, thus they lie.
Sadly, in many cases they’ve been lying to cover up their mishaps for so long they’ve convinced themselves there is no mishap and whomever is pointing it out is attacking them.

It’s a bad cycle. And kids will copy it.

The mistake, the denial, the excuses, the blaming others, the lying, the storming off.

It’s developmentally quite juvenile.

OP: Yes, this sounds like the cycle. One of the lies was that we were at a party the other night, and some people were smoking weed, and I asked him if I did (not a huge deal), and he said no. But my friend later mentioned that she saw him smoking too, when were we talking. I confronted my partner about it and he got very mad at me and hasn't talked to me in 2 days now. In fairness, I haven't called him either. I was waiting for him to cool off.

OP does your partner have a diagnosis?


Op: yes he does. He has not taken his prescribed medication since I’ve known him. He doesn’t blame his adhd, but I’ve been trying to research it to understand.


He lied to you about his drug use, and you are trying to research excuses for him. Maybe it’s his ADHD…

You are being codependent, OP.
Anonymous
Post 11/13/2022 12:33     Subject: Does having ADHD make a partner more prone to lying?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:In my experience yes. If you are close to someone with ADD or ASD they can’t keep their public best behavior on 24/7 and unless they really worked on it, they have no positive coping methods to deal with their inevitable mistakes, thus they lie.
Sadly, in many cases they’ve been lying to cover up their mishaps for so long they’ve convinced themselves there is no mishap and whomever is pointing it out is attacking them.

It’s a bad cycle. And kids will copy it.

The mistake, the denial, the excuses, the blaming others, the lying, the storming off.

It’s developmentally quite juvenile.

OP: Yes, this sounds like the cycle. One of the lies was that we were at a party the other night, and some people were smoking weed, and I asked him if I did (not a huge deal), and he said no. But my friend later mentioned that she saw him smoking too, when were we talking. I confronted my partner about it and he got very mad at me and hasn't talked to me in 2 days now. In fairness, I haven't called him either. I was waiting for him to cool off.

OP does your partner have a diagnosis?


Op: yes he does. He has not taken his prescribed medication since I’ve known him. He doesn’t blame his adhd, but I’ve been trying to research it to understand.


I know it's really appealing to try to figure out a reason why somebody acts the way they do, but there are too many reasons why somebody might be prone to lying to nail it down. If you are curious about ADHD, Google and YouTube (recordings of academic conferences) have lots of great information. You are going to get too many biased responses on DCUM since so many posters have had near-traumatic experiences with parters who have ADHD.

Also, as somebody with ADHD, I would not recommend pursuing a serious relationship with somebody who isn't serious about managing it. Maybe your partner has good reasons for not taking his medication, but it's a red flag. I have a good life and good relationships, but if I didn't relentlessly manage ADHD with meds, exercise, executive function therapy every few months, etc., I would make my husband's life hell and I wouldn't be as good of a mother. And one reason I do a good job managing it is because I have the typical mommy guilt that drives me to become better, and as much as I love men, most are not motivated to make major changes in their lives for the sake of their families.
Anonymous
Post 11/13/2022 12:24     Subject: Re:Does having ADHD make a partner more prone to lying?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I have had a negative experience with a person with ADHD who lied a lot, and also blamed her lying on her ADHD. I don't know if that was the cause or not, but that's what she said it was. I can see how impulsivity would cause you to lie more, or how have a neurodivergence might cause you to panic and just say the first thing that pops into your head when pressed because you feel pressure to respond but aren't tracking the conversation or something.

However, in the end it doesn't matter. If you are in a relationship with a person who lies a lot, it will undermine the relationship no matter the reason. I guess if it was just the occasional white lie and it was clear that it was due to ADHD an not an intentional effort to mislead, maybe it wouldn't be a big deal. But in my experience, someone who will impulsively lie about something inconsequential is actually MORE likely to lie when it matters. Because it's an easy out. And it doesn't work. It sucks for the other person.

I would not enter into another relationship with someone who lied a lot, and it wouldn't matter to me if the cause was ADHD or something else. It's too hard.


I am one of the PPs with ADHD who never lies and I agree that the reason doesn't matter. Really, I do'n think that the reason for any harmful behavior matters. Whether it be a mental illness they genuinely can't get a handle on, childhood trauma, immaturity, whatever, if it hurts you it hurts you.

I don't know what I'd do in OP's situation. My husband (no ADHD) did tell a white lie when we were dating, but it was to somebody else and just to get them off his back. When we were dating he seemed very honest and authentic and 16 years in, he is still that way. So I think the question of who he is lying to and why makes a big difference.


Also, it wasn't a situation where somebody was asking my now-husband to do something he should have been doing. A guy was pestering him about something. It was akin to telling a pushy salesman you've already bought the product when you actually haven't. I wouldn't tell that lie but I don't see a problem with it.
Anonymous
Post 11/13/2022 12:23     Subject: Does having ADHD make a partner more prone to lying?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:In my experience yes. If you are close to someone with ADD or ASD they can’t keep their public best behavior on 24/7 and unless they really worked on it, they have no positive coping methods to deal with their inevitable mistakes, thus they lie.
Sadly, in many cases they’ve been lying to cover up their mishaps for so long they’ve convinced themselves there is no mishap and whomever is pointing it out is attacking them.

It’s a bad cycle. And kids will copy it.

The mistake, the denial, the excuses, the blaming others, the lying, the storming off.

It’s developmentally quite juvenile.


OP: Yes, this sounds like the cycle. One of the lies was that we were at a party the other night, and some people were smoking weed, and I asked him if I did (not a huge deal), and he said no. But my friend later mentioned that she saw him smoking too, when were we talking. I confronted my partner about it and he got very mad at me and hasn't talked to me in 2 days now. In fairness, I haven't called him either. I was waiting for him to cool off.


I’m on this forum only occasionally, but there seem to be a lot of posts where people who clearly have substance use problems use ADHD as an excuse for their behavior.

Do people with ADHD lie? Probably more than normal, and usually to cover up a mistake they think they can fix before you find out. They lie to maintain the relationship.

Do addicts lie? Yes. Definitely. And they will gaslight and ruin the relationship to continue using.

Anonymous
Post 11/13/2022 12:22     Subject: Re:Does having ADHD make a partner more prone to lying?
Anonymous wrote:I have had a negative experience with a person with ADHD who lied a lot, and also blamed her lying on her ADHD. I don't know if that was the cause or not, but that's what she said it was. I can see how impulsivity would cause you to lie more, or how have a neurodivergence might cause you to panic and just say the first thing that pops into your head when pressed because you feel pressure to respond but aren't tracking the conversation or something.

However, in the end it doesn't matter. If you are in a relationship with a person who lies a lot, it will undermine the relationship no matter the reason. I guess if it was just the occasional white lie and it was clear that it was due to ADHD an not an intentional effort to mislead, maybe it wouldn't be a big deal. But in my experience, someone who will impulsively lie about something inconsequential is actually MORE likely to lie when it matters. Because it's an easy out. And it doesn't work. It sucks for the other person.

I would not enter into another relationship with someone who lied a lot, and it wouldn't matter to me if the cause was ADHD or something else. It's too hard.


I am one of the PPs with ADHD who never lies and I agree that the reason doesn't matter. Really, I do'n think that the reason for any harmful behavior matters. Whether it be a mental illness they genuinely can't get a handle on, childhood trauma, immaturity, whatever, if it hurts you it hurts you.

I don't know what I'd do in OP's situation. My husband (no ADHD) did tell a white lie when we were dating, but it was to somebody else and just to get them off his back. When we were dating he seemed very honest and authentic and 16 years in, he is still that way. So I think the question of who he is lying to and why makes a big difference.
Anonymous
Post 11/13/2022 12:20     Subject: Does having ADHD make a partner more prone to lying?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:In my experience yes. If you are close to someone with ADD or ASD they can’t keep their public best behavior on 24/7 and unless they really worked on it, they have no positive coping methods to deal with their inevitable mistakes, thus they lie.
Sadly, in many cases they’ve been lying to cover up their mishaps for so long they’ve convinced themselves there is no mishap and whomever is pointing it out is attacking them.

It’s a bad cycle. And kids will copy it.

The mistake, the denial, the excuses, the blaming others, the lying, the storming off.

It’s developmentally quite juvenile.

OP: Yes, this sounds like the cycle. One of the lies was that we were at a party the other night, and some people were smoking weed, and I asked him if I did (not a huge deal), and he said no. But my friend later mentioned that she saw him smoking too, when were we talking. I confronted my partner about it and he got very mad at me and hasn't talked to me in 2 days now. In fairness, I haven't called him either. I was waiting for him to cool off.

OP does your partner have a diagnosis?


Op: yes he does. He has not taken his prescribed medication since I’ve known him. He doesn’t blame his adhd, but I’ve been trying to research it to understand.
Anonymous
Post 11/13/2022 12:16     Subject: Does having ADHD make a partner more prone to lying?
Anonymous wrote:I think it’s self-preservation. Why didn’t they take the trash out? Their boss called with an emergency and they didn’t have a chance. Didn’t they remember pick up their suit from the dry cleaners for the wedding? They stopped, but the dry cleaner lost it. The truth is the time got away from them, they got distracted, they forgot.


It’s this. But it starts at 5 years old.

You can imagine that most people with ADHD had childhoods where they got in trouble a lot and were repeatedly told that they were lazy, uncaring, and lacking in character. A normal child in this situation who wants the affection of his parents, but can’t do the tasks asked of him, is going to learn to tell white lies.
Anonymous
Post 11/13/2022 12:13     Subject: Re:Does having ADHD make a partner more prone to lying?
I have had a negative experience with a person with ADHD who lied a lot, and also blamed her lying on her ADHD. I don't know if that was the cause or not, but that's what she said it was. I can see how impulsivity would cause you to lie more, or how have a neurodivergence might cause you to panic and just say the first thing that pops into your head when pressed because you feel pressure to respond but aren't tracking the conversation or something.

However, in the end it doesn't matter. If you are in a relationship with a person who lies a lot, it will undermine the relationship no matter the reason. I guess if it was just the occasional white lie and it was clear that it was due to ADHD an not an intentional effort to mislead, maybe it wouldn't be a big deal. But in my experience, someone who will impulsively lie about something inconsequential is actually MORE likely to lie when it matters. Because it's an easy out. And it doesn't work. It sucks for the other person.

I would not enter into another relationship with someone who lied a lot, and it wouldn't matter to me if the cause was ADHD or something else. It's too hard.
Anonymous
Post 11/13/2022 11:59     Subject: Does having ADHD make a partner more prone to lying?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I mean, obviously some people with ADHD lie, but can you really do a remotely reliable comparison with people who *don't* have ADHD?

I have ADHD and I never lie. Lying doesn't even occur to me. I just don't see the point.


Same. But this is DCUM so any negative behavior a guy exhibits is due to either autism or ADHD. He's not just a selfish ahole


There needs to be some kind of guidebook: "is this misogyny or ADHD?"

It's unfortunate that instead of looking to the actual root of the problem, we have instead increased bias against those with neurological disorders. We are just spinning our wheels with no real progress.
Anonymous
Post 11/13/2022 11:59     Subject: Does having ADHD make a partner more prone to lying?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:In my experience yes. If you are close to someone with ADD or ASD they can’t keep their public best behavior on 24/7 and unless they really worked on it, they have no positive coping methods to deal with their inevitable mistakes, thus they lie.
Sadly, in many cases they’ve been lying to cover up their mishaps for so long they’ve convinced themselves there is no mishap and whomever is pointing it out is attacking them.

It’s a bad cycle. And kids will copy it.

The mistake, the denial, the excuses, the blaming others, the lying, the storming off.

It’s developmentally quite juvenile.

OP: Yes, this sounds like the cycle. One of the lies was that we were at a party the other night, and some people were smoking weed, and I asked him if I did (not a huge deal), and he said no. But my friend later mentioned that she saw him smoking too, when were we talking. I confronted my partner about it and he got very mad at me and hasn't talked to me in 2 days now. In fairness, I haven't called him either. I was waiting for him to cool off.

OP does your partner have a diagnosis?
Anonymous
Post 11/13/2022 11:58     Subject: Re:Does having ADHD make a partner more prone to lying?
Yes because of impulsivity-I think may of the explanations offered in pps are ridiculous.
Anonymous
Post 11/13/2022 11:56     Subject: Does having ADHD make a partner more prone to lying?
Anonymous wrote:You can't have a good relationship with a liar. It's not possible. It's a pretend, stand-in relationship because there is no trust, therefore no intimacy. No point in it. Don't waste your time, unless you want a "better than nothing" pretend relationship. Which is fine if that's what you want.


Trust goes both ways. With ADHD, the lying often stems from a lack of trust in the other person not to overreact or reject them over something. As people build trust in a relationship, the lying may disappear. One thing that is key to that is how the person reacts to discovering the lie.
Anonymous
Post 11/13/2022 11:56     Subject: Re:Does having ADHD make a partner more prone to lying?
I haven't seen it with my DH but my son with ADHD definitely had an issue with lying throughout childhood. I think for him it was more about impulse control, his immediate response to the trouble was to blurt out a lie.