I’d probably make hotel reservations nearby and invite them to dinner. I would tell them in advance that I’d leave it up to them to work out what they’d like to arrange to do with the kids — “now that the kids are older and more independent “. And I’d tell the kids this as well. I’d also suggest some activities— especially if anything special might need tickets purchased in advance. So maybe the whole family goes to see the Nutcracker together, and those who want to can go to tea on Boxing Day. I’d also probably invite other guests to the dinner — in the hope that that might improve your father’s behavior and attitude.

Anonymous wrote:When these dysfunctional family relationships exists, it's usually that one or more are alcoholics.

Op, I hope that's not the case.

Op here- no alcohol involved. My dad is more just unpleasant to me- and I always put up with it so my kids didn’t probably realize much. He doesn’t verbally abuse or yell at me- except the one xmàs- I would never tolerate that. He just makes constant slams and dismisses me on everything. When you grow up with something, you sometimes tolerate more. When he did yell at me that one xmàs in front of kids, that was the tipping point- but after that he made me pay by really being nasty through end of holiday- saying things like “of course Donna we always have to do what’s you want”— on something ridiculous like the path we picked for hike- I piked the one both kids and seniors could take - 1 mile- one was 2.5 miles but of course he didn’t ask, just attacked me and how we always do what I want- for real! On a family hike. But that wasn’t point, he was making me pay and again, just could barely tolerate me. It’s like oil and water.
I did finally tell my older kids last weekend that I didn’t like the way grandpa treated me. That family shouldn’t do that and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to feel that way another xmàs. But I don’t want to obsess with them as I like they have a relationship. He teases them and can sometimes be too much for them but they blow it off as grandpa. I don’t want to change their love for him.
I could give the full blow by blow of how he treats me, just know it’s like when your mom remarried and her new boyfriend tolerates you. Honestly that’s what it reminds me of. Tolerate but can’t stand.

Anonymous wrote:Forgive and move on. They could die tomorrow, then what?

np, I forgave and moved on. I grieved for the dad I didn't ever have and when he died I only felt relief. Sad but true. Forgiveness can be accepting that the past can't be changed.

Where is your brother’s house? Maybe your kids could get dropped off there when your parents are visiting them. Or you could all go with a plan to leave immediately if your dad says anything over the line to you.

Anonymous wrote:Forgive and move on. They could die tomorrow, then what?

OP’s dad would die a sad and bitter man who actively pushed his own child away.

I agree if you do anything, wait until after Christmas. Holidays put more pressure with unrealistic expectations from some people. A few years ago I came across this blog post
https://luke173ministries.org/just-when-you-thought-it-was-safe-to-put-up-the-christmas-tree/

Anonymous wrote:Op here- Kids are 18 ( last xmàs before going to college)- 13 year old and 6 year old.
Parents live many states away.

They can visit, but have them stay in a hotel. Have them come after Christmas. You can have the kids go out with them.

Forgive and move on. They could die tomorrow, then what?

When these dysfunctional family relationships exists, it's usually that one or more are alcoholics.

Op, I hope that's not the case.

Op, your feelings are pretty extreme and I can't really understand how your children can have such loving feelings, when their Mother doesn't. I don't know that it could be based on but probably not reality. I'm guessing you talk about all of this too much. Maybe you discuss this with them or when they are around to hear, discussing your "wish" of how you'd like things to be.

A happy home life is your goal. I think you should concentrate on that - happy and emotionally healthy. The Holidays are asking too much of everyone, that everyone will be at their best. So not The Holidays. How about a short visit after The Holidays.

And btw, they should *never* stay with you. Or you with them. Hotel. Hotel always. Strained relationships need the hotel stay. And fewer hours spend together. And always your own transportation plan, no open-ended events. and always an escape plan.

Anonymous wrote:You removed your dad from your life BCS you had a yelling argument?
Ok, sounds to me like you are both the same.

NP. Can you read? OP has been putting up with her dad’s rude behavior to her for years. YEARS. There is a thing called “the straw that broke the camel’s back.”

Would this require an overnight stay in your home?

I would literally invite them for a meal. Like appetiziers at 4, dinner at 5, out the door by 7. Extend the invite through your mom, tell her you will not do more than say hello and goodbye to your dad, and he had better be on his best behavior. See how it goes from there.

You removed your dad from your life BCS you had a yelling argument?
Ok, sounds to me like you are both the same.

Op here- Kids are 18 ( last xmàs before going to college)- 13 year old and 6 year old.
Parents live many states away.

I had to temporarily distance my family from my mother when she was stressed out and took it out on me, my husband and my children. We talked about it as a family. My kids understood what was happening, even though they were both very young at the time (3 and 8). One reason we reconnected was because we all missed my father.

You must explain how your father treats you to your kid. They have to understand it's not OK. Invite him by all means, but warn them in advance, and explain the steps you will take if he disrespects you. I suggest you also talk to your parents by phone and warn them that you will not tolerate negative comments made by your father (he's probably not able to really stop himself, but at least he might hold it in for a little bit).