Anonymous
Post 11/13/2022 06:44     Subject: Re:Advice on relaxing in a high-strung household
Anonymous wrote:My family and I are like this. I hate it and want to change but it's not easy. Part of it comes from the feeling I know I learned from my mom, of being the one responsible for everyone being happy, like if I plan wrong and somebody's disappointed it's on me.

My one wish for guests is that if you're asked for an opinion, just give one. Get me out of purgatory. Don't say "anything is great!" for dinner (and not tell me you quit eating red meat or wheat until dinnertime, but no worries, you're totally happy just eating the green beans!). Don't say "oh, I don't care what we do that day," say you WANT to stay home and play board games. Making decisions for 10 people who refuse to express an opinion feels high pressure.


So you want them to be very direct and explicitly clear with you, but you won’t directly say to them, “It’s very stressful when you don’t give me specific ideas or make your wishes very clear—please get me out of purgatory”? Do I have that right?
Anonymous
Post 11/13/2022 06:42     Subject: Advice on relaxing in a high-strung household
Anonymous wrote:1. Stay home for Christmas.
2. Stay in a hotel near them but not with them.


This is the way.
Anonymous
Post 11/13/2022 06:39     Subject: Advice on relaxing in a high-strung household
I agree you can suggest home activities as part of the Official Plan - movie (they can fret over which movie to watch), puzzle (they can pick the puzzle), baking (they can find a good recipe), do a gingerbread house kit, any other “arts & craft” your kids may enjoy…
Anonymous
Post 11/13/2022 06:16     Subject: Re:Advice on relaxing in a high-strung household
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My family and I are like this. I hate it and want to change but it's not easy. Part of it comes from the feeling I know I learned from my mom, of being the one responsible for everyone being happy, like if I plan wrong and somebody's disappointed it's on me.

My one wish for guests is that if you're asked for an opinion, just give one. Get me out of purgatory. Don't say "anything is great!" for dinner (and not tell me you quit eating red meat or wheat until dinnertime, but no worries, you're totally happy just eating the green beans!). Don't say "oh, I don't care what we do that day," say you WANT to stay home and play board games. Making decisions for 10 people who refuse to express an opinion feels high pressure.


x1000 The passive aggressive game is so ridiculous. If you are a grown up, then act like a grown up.


OP here. I do. I actively participate not only in meal planning, but in shopping and preparing meals. I have even directly expressed that we don’t want to go out and do much on certain days, like Christmas Eve, only to be met with exclamations that of course we have to get out of the house and do something—which, beyond church, a walk and driving to look at lights, you usually can’t do on Christmas Eve because things are closed. I think a PP was right and I’m going to have to sell a walk, a puzzle and popcorn with a movie as Official Plans to appease their need to Officially Plan.
Anonymous
Post 11/13/2022 06:13     Subject: Advice on relaxing in a high-strung household
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Well, in small town or rural living, it does require more planning. I grew up ultra-rural and you absolutely do double-check the hours before you go somewhere, because if it's not open you've wasted 3 hours in the car. That kind of planning effort is normal for rural life.

It may be that they want to show off their grandkids to others so they're hoping to run into people.


Well, yes, but a quick check on the Internet to see when the children’s museum one town over is open is not cause for an entire household to get involved. I know exactly the type OP is talking about, who doesn’t just make plans, but makes much of everything. They make a meal of planning a meal. It’s exhausting. I’m from a small town, too, I get what planning looks like, but there’s no need for it to be a frenzy.


Your "frenzy" may be their "being prepared." You sound a little scattered and I am sure it is exhausting for them to be around you. I would want you to slow down your frantic dashing about, too.


Sentence 1 was fine. After that you got rude to OP for no reason. Perhaps you took OPs post a little too personally.


OP here. I am not the poster who wrote about the “frenzy,” but I do agree with the general point that it doesn’t take everyone and a lot of time to check museum hours.
Anonymous
Post 11/12/2022 22:55     Subject: Re:Advice on relaxing in a high-strung household
Anonymous wrote:My family and I are like this. I hate it and want to change but it's not easy. Part of it comes from the feeling I know I learned from my mom, of being the one responsible for everyone being happy, like if I plan wrong and somebody's disappointed it's on me.

My one wish for guests is that if you're asked for an opinion, just give one. Get me out of purgatory. Don't say "anything is great!" for dinner (and not tell me you quit eating red meat or wheat until dinnertime, but no worries, you're totally happy just eating the green beans!). Don't say "oh, I don't care what we do that day," say you WANT to stay home and play board games. Making decisions for 10 people who refuse to express an opinion feels high pressure.


x1000 The passive aggressive game is so ridiculous. If you are a grown up, then act like a grown up.
Anonymous
Post 11/12/2022 22:54     Subject: Advice on relaxing in a high-strung household
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Well, in small town or rural living, it does require more planning. I grew up ultra-rural and you absolutely do double-check the hours before you go somewhere, because if it's not open you've wasted 3 hours in the car. That kind of planning effort is normal for rural life.

It may be that they want to show off their grandkids to others so they're hoping to run into people.


Well, yes, but a quick check on the Internet to see when the children’s museum one town over is open is not cause for an entire household to get involved. I know exactly the type OP is talking about, who doesn’t just make plans, but makes much of everything. They make a meal of planning a meal. It’s exhausting. I’m from a small town, too, I get what planning looks like, but there’s no need for it to be a frenzy.


Your "frenzy" may be their "being prepared." You sound a little scattered and I am sure it is exhausting for them to be around you. I would want you to slow down your frantic dashing about, too.


Sentence 1 was fine. After that you got rude to OP for no reason. Perhaps you took OPs post a little too personally.
Methinks she got it too correct and that you got your toes stepped on.
Anonymous
Post 11/12/2022 22:12     Subject: Re:Advice on relaxing in a high-strung household
My family and I are like this. I hate it and want to change but it's not easy. Part of it comes from the feeling I know I learned from my mom, of being the one responsible for everyone being happy, like if I plan wrong and somebody's disappointed it's on me.

My one wish for guests is that if you're asked for an opinion, just give one. Get me out of purgatory. Don't say "anything is great!" for dinner (and not tell me you quit eating red meat or wheat until dinnertime, but no worries, you're totally happy just eating the green beans!). Don't say "oh, I don't care what we do that day," say you WANT to stay home and play board games. Making decisions for 10 people who refuse to express an opinion feels high pressure.
Anonymous
Post 11/12/2022 21:59     Subject: Advice on relaxing in a high-strung household
Jigsaw puzzles
Anonymous
Post 11/12/2022 21:52     Subject: Advice on relaxing in a high-strung household
I think you have a good understanding that making elaborate plans is a form of love and affection for them I definitely have family members who are like that to a degree.

I think you need to just find those compromises either in the form of having a nice shorter trip so you have some time to do some chill time either before or after their trip. And maybe use just tell them you only want to do one outing a day and then you want to have some relaxing time at home.

Anonymous
Post 11/12/2022 19:07     Subject: Advice on relaxing in a high-strung household
I think I am like your ILs and my ILs are like you! They do no planning and then we pull up to places which are closed, or we just missed the last trolley bus tour, etc. And they are like, “Oh well!” while DH knows that I am thinking incredulously in my head, “How can anyone run their own lives like this? This is such a waste of time!” Lol. Funny how people are so different. (I also feel very bored and restless in this home while everyone hangs out, watches endless sports games and movies, etc with no discernible plan in sight.). I guess everyone is just very very different!!
Anonymous
Post 11/12/2022 19:00     Subject: Advice on relaxing in a high-strung household
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Well, in small town or rural living, it does require more planning. I grew up ultra-rural and you absolutely do double-check the hours before you go somewhere, because if it's not open you've wasted 3 hours in the car. That kind of planning effort is normal for rural life.

It may be that they want to show off their grandkids to others so they're hoping to run into people.


Well, yes, but a quick check on the Internet to see when the children’s museum one town over is open is not cause for an entire household to get involved. I know exactly the type OP is talking about, who doesn’t just make plans, but makes much of everything. They make a meal of planning a meal. It’s exhausting. I’m from a small town, too, I get what planning looks like, but there’s no need for it to be a frenzy.


Your "frenzy" may be their "being prepared." You sound a little scattered and I am sure it is exhausting for them to be around you. I would want you to slow down your frantic dashing about, too.


Sentence 1 was fine. After that you got rude to OP for no reason. Perhaps you took OPs post a little too personally.
Anonymous
Post 11/12/2022 17:44     Subject: Advice on relaxing in a high-strung household
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Well, in small town or rural living, it does require more planning. I grew up ultra-rural and you absolutely do double-check the hours before you go somewhere, because if it's not open you've wasted 3 hours in the car. That kind of planning effort is normal for rural life.

It may be that they want to show off their grandkids to others so they're hoping to run into people.


Well, yes, but a quick check on the Internet to see when the children’s museum one town over is open is not cause for an entire household to get involved. I know exactly the type OP is talking about, who doesn’t just make plans, but makes much of everything. They make a meal of planning a meal. It’s exhausting. I’m from a small town, too, I get what planning looks like, but there’s no need for it to be a frenzy.


Your "frenzy" may be their "being prepared." You sound a little scattered and I am sure it is exhausting for them to be around you. I would want you to slow down your frantic dashing about, too.
Anonymous
Post 11/12/2022 14:53     Subject: Advice on relaxing in a high-strung household
Anonymous wrote:Well, in small town or rural living, it does require more planning. I grew up ultra-rural and you absolutely do double-check the hours before you go somewhere, because if it's not open you've wasted 3 hours in the car. That kind of planning effort is normal for rural life.

It may be that they want to show off their grandkids to others so they're hoping to run into people.


Well, yes, but a quick check on the Internet to see when the children’s museum one town over is open is not cause for an entire household to get involved. I know exactly the type OP is talking about, who doesn’t just make plans, but makes much of everything. They make a meal of planning a meal. It’s exhausting. I’m from a small town, too, I get what planning looks like, but there’s no need for it to be a frenzy.
Anonymous
Post 11/12/2022 14:04     Subject: Advice on relaxing in a high-strung household
Here are some ideas...

!.) Experiment with some B-12 vitaimin supplement before you go and see how is affects you-not too high a dose-some are way over 100% of daily requirements. It helps me stay relaxed and mellow. Magnesium helps too.

2.) Consider staying at a hotel so you can have more down time.

3.) If you plan to stay with them have an excuse to stay one day less so you have more recovery time at home.

4.) Make sure leading up to visiting them you get plenty of sleep and eat extra healthy. It's easier to deal with other people's quirks when you are well-rested and functioning optimally.

5.) Bring a thank you gift of things you guys would enjoy doing as a family-puzzle, card game etc.