Anonymous wrote:Why do so many people post these threads on DCUM? You know damn well all the maladjusted broken people will come out of the woodwork pressuring you be the worst possible version of a DD you can be, instead of helping you deal with your mother the way she is without suffering yourself. Telling you to cut her off instead of helping you have compassion. To only focus on your own feelings and needs instead of the feelings and needs of an elderly person WHO GAVE BIRTH TO YOU AND RAISED YOU. As if you're somehow not capable of being a normal, decent person. As if in your moment of weakness they're urging you "Do it!! Just do it!! Be your worst self! Follow your basest instincts!!!" instead of telling you that you feel bad now but it will get better, that you can handle it, etc.

It's so predictable and disgusting. The people who were raised in a normal way and are healthy get drowned out or don't bother with these threads. You're just getting the worst possible advice, OP. But I'm sure you expected that when you posted.

Anonymous wrote:Why do so many people post these threads on DCUM? You know damn well all the maladjusted broken people will come out of the woodwork pressuring you be the worst possible version of a DD you can be, instead of helping you deal with your mother the way she is without suffering yourself. Telling you to cut her off instead of helping you have compassion. To only focus on your own feelings and needs instead of the feelings and needs of an elderly person WHO GAVE BIRTH TO YOU AND RAISED YOU. As if you're somehow not capable of being a normal, decent person. As if in your moment of weakness they're urging you "Do it!! Just do it!! Be your worst self! Follow your basest instincts!!!" instead of telling you that you feel bad now but it will get better, that you can handle it, etc.

It's so predictable and disgusting. The people who were raised in a normal way and are healthy get drowned out or don't bother with these threads. You're just getting the worst possible advice, OP. But I'm sure you expected that when you posted.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You stop calling.

Also, what's wrong with you that you let yourself be crapped on like that?!!?!

You are a monster.

Anonymous wrote:Why do so many people post these threads on DCUM? You know damn well all the maladjusted broken people will come out of the woodwork pressuring you be the worst possible version of a DD you can be, instead of helping you deal with your mother the way she is without suffering yourself. Telling you to cut her off instead of helping you have compassion. To only focus on your own feelings and needs instead of the feelings and needs of an elderly person WHO GAVE BIRTH TO YOU AND RAISED YOU. As if you're somehow not capable of being a normal, decent person. As if in your moment of weakness they're urging you "Do it!! Just do it!! Be your worst self! Follow your basest instincts!!!" instead of telling you that you feel bad now but it will get better, that you can handle it, etc.

It's so predictable and disgusting. The people who were raised in a normal way and are healthy get drowned out or don't bother with these threads. You're just getting the worst possible advice, OP. But I'm sure you expected that when you posted.

Anonymous wrote:You stop calling.

Also, what's wrong with you that you let yourself be crapped on like that?!!?!

Anonymous wrote:Op here, just wanted to let you all know that I’m in tears. I posted this at the true end of my rope expecting not to receive a single reply or maybe to get chastised. It’s hard to believe that there are people out there on a Friday night after bedtime taking the time to care, and I want you to know that I feel wrapped in kindness and support.

Anonymous wrote:A lot. But my extended family is dead save for my brother who is dealing with his own stuff, and I guess I feel an obligation to my mother. She’ll be more of my problem eventually- I’m her estate executor, her POA, etc., and she has a strict idea about gender norms and puts all the expectations of family stuff on me, the daughter.

I guess my pathetic unconscious hope (until just now when I typed this) is that if I placate her better now, she’ll be less of mean to me when I’m dealing more directly with her daily care in the future.

Anonymous wrote:
Do you have any support? Friends? Family? Therapist? If you were my friend I would love to sit in the room with you while you hang up on your mom. I would be so proud of you.

Anonymous wrote:A lot. But my extended family is dead save for my brother who is dealing with his own stuff, and I guess I feel an obligation to my mother. She’ll be more of my problem eventually- I’m her estate executor, her POA, etc., and she has a strict idea about gender norms and puts all the expectations of family stuff on me, the daughter.

I guess my pathetic unconscious hope (until just now when I typed this) is that if I placate her better now, she’ll be less of mean to me when I’m dealing more directly with her daily care in the future.

Anonymous wrote:My mother lives alone 2000 miles away and refuses any option that would bring her closer to family or friends. She is very lonely. She is also an unpleasant person who neglected and abused me (physically, emotionally) when I was younger. I say that because it adds complications to the guilt I feel about the current situation.

It is very difficult to have a short phone conversation with my mom. I call once a week, and it’s exhausting because realistically a 30-45 minute call is as much as I can handle because my mom starts repeating stories, criticizing me, or chastising me for never calling her. She does not call me and thinks it’s offensive for parents to have to call their adult children. Around the 30 minute mark, I try to gently let my mom know how much time I have before I have to go to church, make dinner, etc. (she also finds it rude to make calls while walking around, doing a chore, riding in the car, etc). It’s really hard to find time to sit perfectly still and talk to my mom for more than 45 minutes. She thinks the call should end when she has had enough of it and will ignore my pleas and reminders and happily keep me on the phone for 90 minutes-3 hours, essentially until she is hungry, the news is on, or she needs to use the bathroom. If I firmly say I have to go and that I’m going to have to hang up, and goodbye, etc., she will scream and cry and hang up on me first.

This happens frequently and every time it does, I take a week’s break from calling her. And then the cycle begins anew.

I don’t have close cousins or friends with similar distance from family, so I don’t know if I’m just being impatient and this is how a long-distance parent-adult child relationship works once the parent is elderly. How on earth do I manage this?