Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Very, very simple holidays based on family bonding activities. I think people get swept up in trying to create picture perfect holiday memories and end up so stressed out and sad when reality doesn't match expectations.

I would focus on creating a few fun traditions and stick to those and don't put any pressure on yourself for a bunch of "extras". Say no to things. Refuse to travel. Don't over commit to activities.

We have two toddlers and Christmas was amazing last year, I was kind of shocked. We baked, watched movies, opened presents slowly. I had rock bottom expectations and kept things simple and because of that it exceeded my expectations.

I think at the end of the day it's easy to get sucked into the circus and stress yourself out and the key is simplicity, slowing down and focusing on quality time together.

what did you do?

I think one of the secrets often to happiness is to have low expectations and maybe this is not me in a bad way but I think a lot of times as parents it's easy to have this Hallmark movie idea of how something is going to go and inevitably they're going to be hiccups along the way and meltdowns or cranky children and you just have to roll with it

There is no reason to visit toxic relatives at Christmas!

We do several weeks of low key Christmas celebrations. We are non-Christians, non-White, immigrants. We do several easy peasy entertaining at home with different groups of people. Easy store bought food or home cooked meals. Minimal gift exchanges because none of us need gifts and we make it very clear in our invites.

We do the drive-through of a Christmas Lights park in the weeks before Christmas. We used to go for a late night movie show that got dropped during COVID. A bunch of our friends get together for something fun to do outside the home - so we all go and grab a lunch or get manicures etc together.

We put up a small fake Christmas tree and buy several gag gifts for each other and one big gift for each of us. We only buy and exchange gifts for one relative's family. But, seriously, except for kids, no one needs gifts. If you are buying gifts for more than 8 people - your life is very complicated. Do a secret Santa and be satisfied with only one gift.

We start putting together the annual giftcards and letters for our children teachers/coaches/tutors before Thanksgiving and give it to them as our sincere thanks. We do not give anything for Christmas. We give gifts to our trash collector, lawn guy and maid service. That too happens during Thanksgiving. We do not think that giving it during Christmas is appropriate since it is not an even exchange of gifts because we have a social or family relationship, and we are just thanking them.

We have a special breakfast for our family on Christmas morning and we open gifts. We make treats for birds. We go for a walk on a trail behind our house and sprinkle sunflower seeds. We take our dogs to the dog park when it is a pleasant day.

We usually will get our favorite takeout a few evenings before Christmas, and watch something on TV together. We have a lot of people drop in for get togethers etc and it is all very low key casual. We just make sure that no one is alone. In our case it is basically "come over to our house and bring a friend". We are ok if you drop in for even 15 minutes. We are totally unashamed to order in/take out pleb food. We are super chill about food. Though we do keep nice wine/beer/booze at home.

We host a number of potlucks with some group of friends. Again, very low key entertaining with enough food and drink for everyone. Usually some entertainment is also planned - watching a game, watching some movie or show, pool, games, cards, karaoke etc. We also keep around 5-6 wine bottles (with nice satin wine bags) so that if we are invited somewhere we have a hostess gift.

This is all very helpful! We have a baby and small toddler born during the pandemic. Their only Christmases have been at home. And they have been great. We're getting grief for not traveling this year for Thanksgiving or Christmas, and will be getting a toxic level of unwanted presents from one grandparent (that I will need to donate, it's a very bad situation). So trying to prepare for all of that and think about how to keep the focus on our holiday here at home. We're not religious but we do celebrate the Christmas/ New Year time as an excuse to cook and relax. Daycare is also closed so we will be together. I get a lot of questions from colleagues about why we are not traveling to see family, so it's helpful to hear from other families who choose to spend the holiday home as a nuclear unit.

I recommend picking some recipes or foods that everyone enjoys and make them a holiday tradition. My family is very food focused so we really look forward to specific things that only get made during that time of year. I'm thinking about some cookie recipes, a sweet potato casserole my daughter loves, trader joes croissants Christmas morning, filets with béarnaise for Christmas dinner.

Christmas Eve church...the nativity, the poinsettias, the candlelight, the Christmas tree, the music are all magical.

Hanukkah.....more faith based traditions.

Less Chinese crap. More faith based traditions.

how old are your kids, op?

I think some of this advice can be sorted out into various categories, and you have to decide what you want to matter and what doesn't matter. What I've found is over time, things become traditions. And if something isn't working and no one likes it, you can drop it, and that's ok too. The big full Christmas is ok, and the small simple one is too - you just have to decide what you want.

So if your kids are very small, you've got the time to start setting your decisions down - sit down with your DH, and talk it through. What makes it Christmas to you? Maybe it's a tree, outside lights on the house, a special meal for Christmas eve, Christmas morning, and Christmas dinner, church, a visit to SAnta, homemade cookies. And that's it. And so do that, add more if you want to (drive around one night and look at lights, hot cocoa and watching a Christmas special, etc). Subtract what you don't like. and add more or subtract more over time.

For example, when the kids were small, we got the tree all together as a family from the closest school that sold them. It was fun. My kids ended up going to a different school, and that first year my DH signed up to work the Christmas tree sale, and brought the kids, so now the tradition is he and the kids go to their old elementary school for the tree and I don't go, I clean the house or whatever prep for the tree. So that's our tradition, even though the kids are in high school and we have other tree options, spending time at their elementary school is part of the tradition.

Tradition just means time - year after year doing the same-ish things. So you are building traditions, sometimes without even realizing it.

Agree with others that they key is not to get hung up on a particular activity or meal that you feel has to be replicated and perfect and participated in year after year.

We also like the experiences: driving to see neighborhood lights, reading The Night Before Christmas together as a family on Xmas eve, orange cinnamon rolls for Christmas morning breakfast. Some years we do more, some less, but we always try to do the above three year over year. Pick a few traditions that mean something to you and don’t fret over keeping busy schedule at all or every year.

Anonymous wrote:Very, very simple holidays based on family bonding activities. I think people get swept up in trying to create picture perfect holiday memories and end up so stressed out and sad when reality doesn't match expectations.

I would focus on creating a few fun traditions and stick to those and don't put any pressure on yourself for a bunch of "extras". Say no to things. Refuse to travel. Don't over commit to activities.

We have two toddlers and Christmas was amazing last year, I was kind of shocked. We baked, watched movies, opened presents slowly. I had rock bottom expectations and kept things simple and because of that it exceeded my expectations.

I think at the end of the day it's easy to get sucked into the circus and stress yourself out and the key is simplicity, slowing down and focusing on quality time together.

what did you do?

Anonymous wrote:What do you to to help ensure that the holidays are functional for your kids? I'm not talking lots of gifts or decorations or whatever, but loving and positive experiences.

There were lots of issues with my holidays growing up (one parent would disappear for days, grandparents would "forget" gifts for my and my brother but give to our cousins in front of us, several alcoholics, etc etc) and I'm trying to be intentional about creating good traditions for my kids.

Some things I was thinking - stay home instead of traveling to see toxic family members. Invite close, loving friends over for meals. Limit gifts and focus more on experiences (seeing Christmas lights, making cookies). Make a special Christmas morning breakfast.

Any tips or ideas would be great. This is hard without much to base it on, and my husband has a similarly difficult background.

This seems like the most important one. Everything else positive will flow from that.

I know everyone is saying "simple" but only do that if it's your speed and personality. Make the holidays fit your family, not the other way around.

I grew up with raucous, wild holidays and that's exactly what I want for my kids. I'm type A and we have a schedule of fun things to get done every week: decorating, making/painting kid craft ornaments, baking cookies, girls trip to the Nutcracker, seeing Christmas lights, a set of Christmas books that we read yearly. But from the 20-25th it gets really exciting and it's just all Christmas, all the time. We sing songs (we love the hippopotamus Christmas song!), we have special meals (like appetizer dinner on Christmas, crab legs and prime rib on Christmas eve), hot chocolate while we open presents, everyone in matching pajamas, making nutcracker houses, cutting out snowflakes. It's just like a merry whirlwind. We invite anyone who wants to visit to come and stay with us. DH's family refuses and is still waiting for us to visit them, but my entire family comes and is at my door 8am Christmas morning with bells on and in matching pajamas. It is a happy, jolly free for all of presents. When my kids are older (20s) and before grandkids arrive, I look forward to fancy cocktails and appetizers with the cooking being the star of the show.

To cope, I have all my shopping done by Thanksgiving and I take 1-2 days off a week from mid November onward (typically to clean so there's more time for kids on the weekends) and take the week of Christmas off. My mom helps a lot with the cooking. We just do not travel and I refuse to do so while my kids believe in Santa. I have 4 kids and the youngest is one, so I have a while I figure!

I think a lot of "functional" and "positive" is on the adults and parents. NO getting drunk (we drink wine at dinners, but no one is trashed), NO fighting, especially between parents and you just have to go with the flow.

We like advent calendars, because it's a low stress way to hype up the big day. Melissa and Doug has a magnetic Christmas tree that you add an ornament to every day, and we also have a Disney advent book that we picked up from Aldi's that has a short Christmas themed story for each day.

Our top holiday traditions:

1) Night where everyone gets in pajamas, but then we get in the car and play Christmas music driving around looking at light displays.

2) Christmas cookies...we make a ton and drop off plates of cookies to family friends.

3) Presents: We do very few...but we take turns opening gifts, so that we all get to see everything. Not just a free for all of ripping open stuff.

Try every tradition you want to try, but keep feelers out for the ones that are meaningful to kids as they grow. As my kids become tweens we streamlined a lot of the old traditions but kept the ones they remembered well. Revisit this list every year and make sure it still works for your family.

Also, listen to the kids as they talked about the holidays. You never know what things you never intended as a "tradition" become a tradition.

One year when they were 5, DH and I both got the flu, but the kids were fine. We spend the holidays lying on the sofa and alternating who would give the kids something to eat. There was no food in the house so for Christmas dinner we had to resort to a frozen store bought meatloaf and dehydrated potatoes. The next year my daughter sounded disappointed that there was no meatloaf for Christmas. Who knew? They loved that meatloaf and thought it was a tradition.

We have a small meatloaf at every Christmas since then.

Anonymous wrote:Be flexible... what is fun with toddlers is not going to work as well with tweens. Don't get locked into too many traditions.

+1