Anonymous wrote:If it is so important, then I would travel to the ILs. Otherwise, contentment lies in releasing your attachment to a desire that things be different from what they are. Your parents are unlikely to stop being codependent and that sibling is not going to be less of a mess--that's the dynamic they are in. The ILs are never going to be not-flaky. Meet them where they are (at their place!) or accept that you won't be close.

It's just fine to be sad that things aren't your ideal scenario--be sad about it for a while, but then embrace what you DO have. Either an intimate family holiday or a travel to the ILs holiday.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What did I miss, why don't you go to your parents' for Thanksgiving with them and "those poor children?"

+1 either go to your parents (and be willing to know they are dealing with issues) or else happily stay home. It's your choice, so pick the best of those and be happy about it.

And just FYI that the grass is always greener. I spend a lot of holidays with family and I sort of like it but the one year we stayed home with just our nuclear family was our favorite Thanksgiving ever. I feel slightly guilty saying it but it's true.

Anonymous wrote:What did I miss, why don't you go to your parents' for Thanksgiving with them and "those poor children?"

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I understand completely. Just wanted to let you know that.

Disappointment is hard....it's like a grief. I'm sorry.

I missed this response the first time around and wanted to say thank you for this and others that were kind and validating. I really appreciate it!

Lots of good suggestions for creating alternative traditions, which we've done in the past and will look to do this year too. It's mostly the feelings, though. I want to feel like a grownup, and I go back to feeling like a lonely, hurt little kid. I don't want to project that on my own kids, as one poster cautioned. I'm pretty far from accepting everything and am just trying not to ruin anyone else's holiday with my own messiness about it. I am very tight-lipped about my family stuff even with my closest childhood friends. They know, but I spare them from the real drama because I'm so ashamed and it's very counter to my outward persona. Therapy has only gotten me so far. Thanks again for the thoughtful responses.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I understand completely. Just wanted to let you know that.

Disappointment is hard....it's like a grief. I'm sorry.

I missed this response the first time around and wanted to say thank you for this and others that were kind and validating. I really appreciate it!

Lots of good suggestions for creating alternative traditions, which we've done in the past and will look to do this year too. It's mostly the feelings, though. I want to feel like a grownup, and I go back to feeling like a lonely, hurt little kid. I don't want to project that on my own kids, as one poster cautioned. I'm pretty far from accepting everything and am just trying not to ruin anyone else's holiday with my own messiness about it. I am very tight-lipped about my family stuff even with my closest childhood friends. They know, but I spare them from the real drama because I'm so ashamed and it's very counter to my outward persona. Therapy has only gotten me so far. Thanks again for the thoughtful responses.

Anonymous wrote:Recently I've responded to posts on how to feel ok about spending holidays with only your own your small family. I do a lot of work to manage my feelings about it, let go of expectations, blah blah blah. We've had some recent success and created some warm, cozy times. I felt capable. For whatever reason, this year I am a big mess and can't take my own advice.

- ILs finally let us know they can't travel this year and haven't extended an invite (though we are welcome anytime), haven't made any effort to otherwise visit us and see their grandkids. They are lovely people when we see them but are terrible, flaky planners. They live very far away, retired, super active, great health, no financial difficulties. Totally fun, affectionate, and engaged when we're together but it's like out of sight, out of mind. Very focused on DH's sibling who lives close to them. It's a huge pain for us to travel there with three kids.

- My family is kind and loving but a disaster due to my drug-addicted sibling and codependent parents. That said, parents make big effort to be present for my kids, facetime, take turns visiting on random weekends, are acutely aware of the inequity and feel terrible about it. My parents said they would come to our house for Thanksgiving if ILs weren't going to visit. I told them at the beginning of the month ILs were out. My mom called me yesterday and said they now don't feel comfortable leaving home because my sibling's behavior has been erratic, "those poor kids" may not otherwise get a "real Thanksgiving." She hadn't confirmed sibling's plans, just wanted to be on call in case shit hits the fan. Basically unspoken that she suspects relapse. I feel like a little baby brat being mad at her, but it's a tale as old as time, and it never hurts any less.

So once again we are spending Thanksgiving just us, feeling like our kids are always playing second fiddle to the rest of the grandkids. Christmas will be similar. ILs will leave us hanging about their plans. My parents will either cancel plans, visit and be attached to their phone managing my sibling's crisis remotely, or there will be an underlying current of tragedy or stress we can't discuss. Yes I've posted about this before. I'm hoping someone has evolved in their experience and has some BTDT to share that will help me this time around. I'm so old and so tired, so done with telling my kids no one's coming to visit again (they all desperately love all the grandparents).

Anonymous wrote:OP I understand completely. Just wanted to let you know that.

Disappointment is hard....it's like a grief. I'm sorry.