Anonymous
Post 10/23/2022 21:17     Subject: Re:How involved are your parents and in laws in your child(ren)’s life?
My parents live with us and they help me with my children and household. My MIL died after a short illness when my first dc was 6 months. My FIL has gone out of his way to be part of my dc lives. He has traveled every quarter from coast to coast, despite the fact that he doesn’t have the best health. He is always attentive, and pays for dc education. My sibling, IL and nephew who are local are always ready to help me with dc when I need them them. We get together at least once a month. My spouse sibling (not local) also travels, makes a point to see the children, is always generous, and is starting to get more involved, which we welcome.

Anonymous
Post 10/23/2022 20:22     Subject: How involved are your parents and in laws in your child(ren)’s life?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My kids see my parents weekly. Often a full weekend day and an overnight. The kids ask to go hand at their house. In-laws are also local, kids see them weekly when they meet the school bus and hang with then until we get home. But they are older so harder for them to spend time with little kids without us there. But they come to all bdays, school and sports events.


Op here. Love that they come to all sports events/activities. My in laws do, but my parents don’t and that’s what causes the hurt feelings with my daughter. And it’s not like they have a super active social life so I know they are literally just sitting at home. It’s so frustrating.


I wonder if there is something more. Perhaps the driving or parking at the fields or courts is a problem? Or maybe some anxiety? Are you sending a message and hoping they show up?

Have you tried arranging to pick them up? That's what we do with our respective parents. If I take the game kid to the field or gym, then my husband will swing by and pick up whichever set of parents is coming to watch the game, or vice versa. Your parents may have a reason that they're not going even though they want to.

My husband's parents finally confided that they had been worried about parking in the parking lot for the soccer field our kids teams used - it is a madhouse with kids darting all around and parents not watching out, and they were scared to death that they were going to hit a kid. And my parents were confounded by all the different schools that the rec league basketball team played at, that no game was at the same school all the time, so it was really hard to figure out where to go even with Waze (which they have trouble programming).

Anyway, now we get both sets of parents at practically every game or event as long as one of us does the kid to event routine and the other does the picking up the grandparents routine. It is definitely worth it.

DP


Op here. Nope, not the issue for my parents. My ILs actually do have anxiety about things like parking and new places. They just show up super early and park far away. My parents on the other hand, travel extensively both domestically and internationally so it’s hard for me to picture them being intimidated by a busy sports parking lot less than 10 minutes from their house.

I do appreciate your response because I could totally see this with my ILs but they are the ones that show up almost every time.

My mom lost her mind at me during a recent sports season thinking we hadn’t sent them the schedule (I had sent it to them even though they hadn’t bothered to come the previous two seasons) and they finally came to a game, but it felt like it was to save face for being so dramatic. I sent them the schedule again per the usual this season and zero acknowledgment that they received it. The season is over and my DD was heartbroken they couldn’t bother to come once in 10 weeks.
Anonymous
Post 10/23/2022 19:48     Subject: Re:How involved are your parents and in laws in your child(ren)’s life?
My in laws are not very involved even though they are local. It's a combination of our personalities, their personalities and health issues

My kids feel loved by them, and that's what's important for us. They miss them sometimes, but there is no resentment . They always find ways to give e thoughtful gifts and suggestions( subscriptions to things the kids like for example).

My mom is very involved in that she sees them every week, but she is less in tune with their particular interests. It's still all good. And they feel the love all the same.

There are many different ways to be involved and to show love. We are grateful for all efforts. And the kids are too.




Anonymous
Post 10/23/2022 18:51     Subject: How involved are your parents and in laws in your child(ren)’s life?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My kids see my parents weekly. Often a full weekend day and an overnight. The kids ask to go hand at their house. In-laws are also local, kids see them weekly when they meet the school bus and hang with then until we get home. But they are older so harder for them to spend time with little kids without us there. But they come to all bdays, school and sports events.


Op here. Love that they come to all sports events/activities. My in laws do, but my parents don’t and that’s what causes the hurt feelings with my daughter. And it’s not like they have a super active social life so I know they are literally just sitting at home. It’s so frustrating.


I wonder if there is something more. Perhaps the driving or parking at the fields or courts is a problem? Or maybe some anxiety? Are you sending a message and hoping they show up?

Have you tried arranging to pick them up? That's what we do with our respective parents. If I take the game kid to the field or gym, then my husband will swing by and pick up whichever set of parents is coming to watch the game, or vice versa. Your parents may have a reason that they're not going even though they want to.

My husband's parents finally confided that they had been worried about parking in the parking lot for the soccer field our kids teams used - it is a madhouse with kids darting all around and parents not watching out, and they were scared to death that they were going to hit a kid. And my parents were confounded by all the different schools that the rec league basketball team played at, that no game was at the same school all the time, so it was really hard to figure out where to go even with Waze (which they have trouble programming).

Anyway, now we get both sets of parents at practically every game or event as long as one of us does the kid to event routine and the other does the picking up the grandparents routine. It is definitely worth it.

DP
Anonymous
Post 10/23/2022 13:37     Subject: Re:How involved are your parents and in laws in your child(ren)’s life?
My grandfather lived literally two blocks away and I saw him once a year.
Anonymous
Post 10/22/2022 21:14     Subject: How involved are your parents and in laws in your child(ren)’s life?
Anonymous wrote:My kids see my parents weekly. Often a full weekend day and an overnight. The kids ask to go hand at their house. In-laws are also local, kids see them weekly when they meet the school bus and hang with then until we get home. But they are older so harder for them to spend time with little kids without us there. But they come to all bdays, school and sports events.


Op here. Love that they come to all sports events/activities. My in laws do, but my parents don’t and that’s what causes the hurt feelings with my daughter. And it’s not like they have a super active social life so I know they are literally just sitting at home. It’s so frustrating.
Anonymous
Post 10/22/2022 21:12     Subject: Re:How involved are your parents and in laws in your child(ren)’s life?
Anonymous wrote:My parents super involved. More when they were local, but make up for it now that they're further away. Local grandparent - awful. Narcist that has no idea how to read the situation. Tries to connect only on topics of interest to themselves. Kids know it and act accordingly.


+1

Same. MIL reads the paper or talks on the phone the two times we asked for (an hour or two of) her time. It’s all about her, especially when it’s not!
Anonymous
Post 10/22/2022 21:05     Subject: How involved are your parents and in laws in your child(ren)’s life?
My kids see my parents weekly. Often a full weekend day and an overnight. The kids ask to go hand at their house. In-laws are also local, kids see them weekly when they meet the school bus and hang with then until we get home. But they are older so harder for them to spend time with little kids without us there. But they come to all bdays, school and sports events.
Anonymous
Post 10/22/2022 20:54     Subject: Re:How involved are your parents and in laws in your child(ren)’s life?
Anonymous wrote:My parents have no living grandparents. It is what can happen when successive generations marry and start children later in life. They were alive in the early years and were four and seven hours away. We would see each 4xs a year or so. We would do most of the travel.
I Meant my children have no living grandparents
Anonymous
Post 10/22/2022 20:53     Subject: Re:How involved are your parents and in laws in your child(ren)’s life?
My parents have no living grandparents. It is what can happen when successive generations marry and start children later in life. They were alive in the early years and were four and seven hours away. We would see each 4xs a year or so. We would do most of the travel.
Anonymous
Post 10/22/2022 20:10     Subject: How involved are your parents and in laws in your child(ren)’s life?
My mom, basically none. She thinks she is, but she never calls and when she visits, so just sits on her iPad and complains of I ask her to go their games. My mother in law and father have passed away. My father in law will ask to talk to the kids every few days and we see him a few times a year.
Anonymous
Post 10/22/2022 19:53     Subject: Re:How involved are your parents and in laws in your child(ren)’s life?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My FIL lives with us so he is very involved in our kids' lives and it has been an absolute blessing to us all. He has dementia now and is almost completely out of it but the years we had with him were worth it (even though he wasn't an angel and we weren't angels, either). My parents live about 15 minutes away. They think nothing about swinging by if they are out an about and just come on in through the family door. My mom will scoot through to the laundry room and start a load / fold what's in the dryer while my dad just heads on in to wherever my husband or the kids are. Love it. Again, none of us is perfect but we've found a way to agree to disagree and to let you do you while I do me. Our kids have benefited tremendously. It is very common to have all 3 of the grandparents at a game or activity. If only my husband or I show up, we are immediately asked by fellow parents about whether the kids' grandparents are coming or not! Both my mom and dad have their favorites with the other parents and will peel off to go chat.


Op here. I love this.


Thanks. It hasn't been a cake walk but it sure has paid off. IMO you have to be able to swallow some quick retorts and to accept someone else's truth even when it defies all logic. If you can't do that, then you'll be miserable. But if you can do it without losing your stuff and if you're a pretty secure and self-confident person, then it will be alright. I know that my parents and my FIL are coming at everything filled with love for me and our family. I may not like everything they do or say but I love them for being there for us. When our backs are against the wall, my parents and my FIL are standing with us shoulder to shoulder no matter what. And it makes my day when one of them looks at me or my husband and tells us what a good job we have done with our kids. I have literally cried because I know that we couldn't have done it without their help. They always have our backs.

Because of the relationship with our parents, our kids know that they always have someone who is willing to make cookies with them or play bball with them or play Chutes and Ladders with them when mommy and daddy are busy. Likewise, our college kids think nothing about calling Pop Pop as they're walking back to the dorm and it is midnight and they want someone to talk to and to be aware of where they are and what they're doing.

Also, just be aware that you will have to be able to put up with a lot of fawning from other parents. Some of it is genuine and some of it is snarky. You figure out pretty quickly which is which.


Op here. So part of my reason for posting this… we have a similar (but maybe not to this extent) relationship with one set of grandparents. They are super involved, can’t get enough time with DD, will come to the most mundane things just to see her, always ask to see her, have her spend the night, call her, etc.

The other set makes very little effort, never spend one on one time with DD, very rarely come to her activities (despite saying they want to come and being invited). They complain they never see her but make no effort, so it’s baffling. Both sets are local.

We don’t need or ask for help from either set. We have a great childcare network in place. Just saying this to squash any “I raised my kids, you raise yours” comments. I truly just want DD to have a great relationship with both sets.

All of this to say that DD is starting to notice the difference and is getting upset about it at times and starting to ask questions. I acknowledge her feelings but am not sure if her expectations are high because one set is so involved or if the other set really is just kind of absent. I didn’t have involved grandparents growing up so I have no frame of reference.


You just have to tell your dd that everyone is different but that does not mean uninvolved grandparents don't love her. Is it your parents that are super involved or inlaws?


Op here. In laws are super involved, which was honestly not what I would’ve expected. So that’s been an adjustment for me personally, as my parents harassed us for kids for years. They were a bit more involved when she was younger, but I’d say pretty uninvolved for the past several years.


Do you think there are some unknown factors (physical health, mental health or anxiety, financial, other reasons) that may be a driver for their lack of participation?


Op here. No, not that I’m aware of. They act like being grandparents is the best thing ever, so it’s kind of confusing when they only see her a few times a year. But then they complain they don’t see her… I always remind them that they are welcome to see her whenever they want and we’d welcome that, but nothing changes. I used to facilitate them seeing her, but kind of gave up when I didn’t see them making the effort.


They want people to think they love being grandparents. Doesn't always translate to action. I posted above, long time issue of performative grandparenting and talking to others about how she doesn't see grandkids enough. That went on for some time before I figured out what she was telling other relatives and squashed it by telling her I'd tell all the relatives the reality if she kept saying she 'Wished she could see them more'.
Anonymous
Post 10/22/2022 19:51     Subject: Re:How involved are your parents and in laws in your child(ren)’s life?
My parents super involved. More when they were local, but make up for it now that they're further away. Local grandparent - awful. Narcist that has no idea how to read the situation. Tries to connect only on topics of interest to themselves. Kids know it and act accordingly.
Anonymous
Post 10/22/2022 19:49     Subject: Re:How involved are your parents and in laws in your child(ren)’s life?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My FIL lives with us so he is very involved in our kids' lives and it has been an absolute blessing to us all. He has dementia now and is almost completely out of it but the years we had with him were worth it (even though he wasn't an angel and we weren't angels, either). My parents live about 15 minutes away. They think nothing about swinging by if they are out an about and just come on in through the family door. My mom will scoot through to the laundry room and start a load / fold what's in the dryer while my dad just heads on in to wherever my husband or the kids are. Love it. Again, none of us is perfect but we've found a way to agree to disagree and to let you do you while I do me. Our kids have benefited tremendously. It is very common to have all 3 of the grandparents at a game or activity. If only my husband or I show up, we are immediately asked by fellow parents about whether the kids' grandparents are coming or not! Both my mom and dad have their favorites with the other parents and will peel off to go chat.


Op here. I love this.


Thanks. It hasn't been a cake walk but it sure has paid off. IMO you have to be able to swallow some quick retorts and to accept someone else's truth even when it defies all logic. If you can't do that, then you'll be miserable. But if you can do it without losing your stuff and if you're a pretty secure and self-confident person, then it will be alright. I know that my parents and my FIL are coming at everything filled with love for me and our family. I may not like everything they do or say but I love them for being there for us. When our backs are against the wall, my parents and my FIL are standing with us shoulder to shoulder no matter what. And it makes my day when one of them looks at me or my husband and tells us what a good job we have done with our kids. I have literally cried because I know that we couldn't have done it without their help. They always have our backs.

Because of the relationship with our parents, our kids know that they always have someone who is willing to make cookies with them or play bball with them or play Chutes and Ladders with them when mommy and daddy are busy. Likewise, our college kids think nothing about calling Pop Pop as they're walking back to the dorm and it is midnight and they want someone to talk to and to be aware of where they are and what they're doing.

Also, just be aware that you will have to be able to put up with a lot of fawning from other parents. Some of it is genuine and some of it is snarky. You figure out pretty quickly which is which.


Op here. So part of my reason for posting this… we have a similar (but maybe not to this extent) relationship with one set of grandparents. They are super involved, can’t get enough time with DD, will come to the most mundane things just to see her, always ask to see her, have her spend the night, call her, etc.

The other set makes very little effort, never spend one on one time with DD, very rarely come to her activities (despite saying they want to come and being invited). They complain they never see her but make no effort, so it’s baffling. Both sets are local.

We don’t need or ask for help from either set. We have a great childcare network in place. Just saying this to squash any “I raised my kids, you raise yours” comments. I truly just want DD to have a great relationship with both sets.

All of this to say that DD is starting to notice the difference and is getting upset about it at times and starting to ask questions. I acknowledge her feelings but am not sure if her expectations are high because one set is so involved or if the other set really is just kind of absent. I didn’t have involved grandparents growing up so I have no frame of reference.


You just have to tell your dd that everyone is different but that does not mean uninvolved grandparents don't love her. Is it your parents that are super involved or inlaws?


Op here. In laws are super involved, which was honestly not what I would’ve expected. So that’s been an adjustment for me personally, as my parents harassed us for kids for years. They were a bit more involved when she was younger, but I’d say pretty uninvolved for the past several years.


Do you think there are some unknown factors (physical health, mental health or anxiety, financial, other reasons) that may be a driver for their lack of participation?


Op here. No, not that I’m aware of. They act like being grandparents is the best thing ever, so it’s kind of confusing when they only see her a few times a year. But then they complain they don’t see her… I always remind them that they are welcome to see her whenever they want and we’d welcome that, but nothing changes. I used to facilitate them seeing her, but kind of gave up when I didn’t see them making the effort.
Anonymous
Post 10/22/2022 19:22     Subject: Re:How involved are your parents and in laws in your child(ren)’s life?
My parents aren't involved at all. My mother didn't come to my wedding let alone meet our children. Haven't seen her since I was a teenager. My father and I had a falling out several years ago, when the oldest was a toddler and youngest was a baby. We live in the same state but about a six hour drive from each other.

My in-laws live across the country. MIL talks to DH a few times a week and we Facetime the kids with them once or twice a week, plus call them if something "exciting" has happened. Pre Covid we'd visit each other every other month - FIL doesn't want to retire so he doesn't come visit as often as MIL but she'll come stay for two weeks. She will happily sit and help with homework, read or play games or do art projects or bake, etc. FIL will too, when he's here. When the kids come with us to visit them, they will take the kids to museums, attractions, movies, etc.