OP here again. Really appreciate everyone's input! I know I need to work on setting boundaries with DD -- she certainly knows how to test the limits and mine are probably a little too lax. I managed to get her dressed this morning with only a little fighting, so I think the no nonsense approach is the right one for her. Also planning to check out the books that were suggested.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all the advice! I don't like forcing her into clothes because I feel like I'm not respecting her bodily autonomy, but I'm probably overreacting there a bit. I'm her mother and clothes are non-negotiable, unlike hugs and kisses.

Nanny is definitely no nonsense. She has much firmer boundaries with DD than I do.

I combined the "make it fun" and "be firm" techniques this morning. We needed to "teach" Elmo how to put on pull-ups, pants, etc. DD wasn't happy about it, but we managed to get her mostly dressed with less fight and crying than usual. Progress!

OP I would highly recommend that you read the book No Bad Kids. It's perfect for this age, and it made me realize that this type of power struggle really makes the child feel out of control. They actually need boundaries and confident leaders.

My 25 month old has a similar hatred for changing clothes, and also is far more compliant for our nanny. I typically give him 2-3 choices and if he rejects them all then I tell him mommy is choosing, pick one, and force it on him. If I have more time, I sometimes try a silly game, like telling him his stuffed animal will wear it instead and putting the clothes on the stuffed animal. Or his big sister wlll take it and pretend she is going to wear it instead. Both of those usually result in him quickly declaring that it is his clothes and then willingly changes clothes.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also a reminder that everything (absent any actual sensory issues etc) is a phase! If things are really terrible, 5 mins of cocomelon as a distraction for getting dressed is worth it for me.

Another "silly" tactic that's worked for us is "Oh, you don't want to wear these pants? I guess teddy gets to wear them today. No pants for you!" *put pants on teddy*... usually results in a "No my pants!!!" and he puts them on.

Everything is particular to the given child. As the parent of an ADHD/Sensory/Defiant/Depressed 8 year old child we were no longer able to manhandle her into clothes so the silly/funny approaches had to do. Looking back she had these issues as a toddler too and manhandling her then did not help us at all. Worth keeping in mind for those who feel that physically compelling their children to comply is damaging your relationship. In some cases it is. Some times you have to relearn how to parent. People who don’t get this have neurotypical children and never had to learn the hard way.

I'm the first part of the quote above, to clarify, my "everything is a phase" comment was meant to be taken as ... "give yourself a break" and if you don't want to fight your kid into clothes you can consider doing something "lazy" or use a crutch like let them have a snack or watch tv while getting dressed. I didn't mean remember you won't have to manhandle your kid forever (although that may also be true.)

They likely won't need that crutch forever. And if they do, there are worse things to be than a 15 year old eating grapes while you put on your pants.

Anonymous wrote:Clearly the nanny doesn't put up with her crap. Ask the nanny to teach you.

+1

It’s not that your toddler doesn’t like getting dressed, he just knows that he can push your boundaries and has control over you. Quit with the negotiating. Pick clothing put it on him and so what if he cries for a few minutes?

And it’s not just clothes, I bet. Your nanny has a schedule and expectations that your toddler knows he must follow. When you get wishy-washy with these young kids they don’t know what to do and that is why they act out.

Anonymous wrote:Also a reminder that everything (absent any actual sensory issues etc) is a phase! If things are really terrible, 5 mins of cocomelon as a distraction for getting dressed is worth it for me.

Another "silly" tactic that's worked for us is "Oh, you don't want to wear these pants? I guess teddy gets to wear them today. No pants for you!" *put pants on teddy*... usually results in a "No my pants!!!" and he puts them on.

Everything is particular to the given child. As the parent of an ADHD/Sensory/Defiant/Depressed 8 year old child we were no longer able to manhandle her into clothes so the silly/funny approaches had to do. Looking back she had these issues as a toddler too and manhandling her then did not help us at all. Worth keeping in mind for those who feel that physically compelling their children to comply is damaging your relationship. In some cases it is. Some times you have to relearn how to parent. People who don’t get this have neurotypical children and never had to learn the hard way.

Also a reminder that everything (absent any actual sensory issues etc) is a phase! If things are really terrible, 5 mins of cocomelon as a distraction for getting dressed is worth it for me.

Another "silly" tactic that's worked for us is "Oh, you don't want to wear these pants? I guess teddy gets to wear them today. No pants for you!" *put pants on teddy*... usually results in a "No my pants!!!" and he puts them on.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all the advice! I don't like forcing her into clothes because I feel like I'm not respecting her bodily autonomy, but I'm probably overreacting there a bit. I'm her mother and clothes are non-negotiable, unlike hugs and kisses.

Nanny is definitely no nonsense. She has much firmer boundaries with DD than I do.

I combined the "make it fun" and "be firm" techniques this morning. We needed to "teach" Elmo how to put on pull-ups, pants, etc. DD wasn't happy about it, but we managed to get her mostly dressed with less fight and crying than usual. Progress!

Good for you, OP!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you have forced her into clothes, and the result is 5 minutes of crying?

The struggling for hours is when you don't force the clothes on her. This occurs when you "negotiate" by, eg, giving her options? Is that correct?

I think you need to force her into clothes every single time. Immediately, and not after you've run out of time. Give it a couple weeks to see if she adjusts. Boundaries are established in part by predictability. If she knows the routine is firm, maybe she'll get used to it.

The alternative, fighting with her for hours, sounds so much worse imo. She's not playing or have good interactions with you. It's a long string of negative interaction after another.

PP is it that you have a particularly docile child? Or no appreciation of bodily autonomy? This suggestion is really appalling. You’re not training an army recruit, you’re navigating a relationship with a small child. Forcing someone bodily to do something is for car seats and moving kids out of traffic. Not for getting dressed. Geez.

NP. I actually picked a middle ground. Essentially a variation on 1-2-3 Magic. I would give my children choices including them dressing themselves and me dressing them. I would give them 2 tries to choose themselves. The third time I said, "since you didn't choose yourself, Daddy will dress you." and then I would dress them. They learned that they had two chances to do it themselves or that the third time I would not ask and would do it. They tried to run away before #3, but at that point, I was faster and had longer arms and could catch them.

It gave them two chances to choose bodily autonomy and make choices, and then had a consequence that did not allow wasting a lot of time. I did not have the option to waste hours on this type of exercise.

Anonymous wrote:Clearly the nanny doesn't put up with her crap. Ask the nanny to teach you.

+1

Your nanny’s method works, your methods don’t. It makes sense to provide consistency for your child, so go with what works. Why are you making yourself and your child miserable trying to make a nonfunctional method more pleasing, instead of going with a proven method?

I’d even recruit nanny. Tell your child that you and nanny are a team and your going to start dressing her nanny’s way because it works. Make a point of watching nanny, then next time have nanny around to reinforce for your child you’re doing it nanny’s way.

OP here. Thanks for all the advice! I don't like forcing her into clothes because I feel like I'm not respecting her bodily autonomy, but I'm probably overreacting there a bit. I'm her mother and clothes are non-negotiable, unlike hugs and kisses.

Nanny is definitely no nonsense. She has much firmer boundaries with DD than I do.

I combined the "make it fun" and "be firm" techniques this morning. We needed to "teach" Elmo how to put on pull-ups, pants, etc. DD wasn't happy about it, but we managed to get her mostly dressed with less fight and crying than usual. Progress!

Anonymous wrote:So you have forced her into clothes, and the result is 5 minutes of crying?

The struggling for hours is when you don't force the clothes on her. This occurs when you "negotiate" by, eg, giving her options? Is that correct?

I think you need to force her into clothes every single time. Immediately, and not after you've run out of time. Give it a couple weeks to see if she adjusts. Boundaries are established in part by predictability. If she knows the routine is firm, maybe she'll get used to it.

The alternative, fighting with her for hours, sounds so much worse imo. She's not playing or have good interactions with you. It's a long string of negative interaction after another.

+100

5 minutes of crying is better than hours of struggling. Be firm and calm. This stage will pass. Getting dressed is non-negotiable.

I specify the default (mommy does it for you) and count three for decisions to choices. I had to force the issue once or twice before dressing stopped being a total drama every time.

Just chiming in to say this is normal (and incredibly irritating). My DD did this at 2 and it's now coming back at 3. I give choices with the caveat that "if you don't choose quickly, Mommy will choose for you."

Clearly the nanny doesn't put up with her crap. Ask the nanny to teach you.