Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old is your DD?

She is 12

Oh, yeah, that's way too old to be spending so much time at Grandma's. She's got her own life now.

Absurd statement. My kids spent tons of time at their grandmothers well beyond that age. Age has nothing to do with it, it's whether that's what they want.

Not absurd at all. Very few 12yo girls want to spend THAT much time with grandma at the expense of weekend time with their friends, and that is 100% developmentally appropriate for a tween.

Is this every weekend? If so, I agree with your kid. Cut it to at least two weekend days a month, and maybe half days on those days.

Anonymous wrote:He’s using DD to be a proxy for him and assuage any guilt he has about his relationship with his mother. All day every weekend is way too much at that age.

Where did OP say this is every weekend?

OP, how often is this?

Anonymous wrote:He’s using DD to be a proxy for him and assuage any guilt he has about his relationship with his mother. All day every weekend is way too much at that age.

+1

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can’t you or your DH meet grandma at a halfway point for lunch or dinner? If it’s nice weather, you could meet up and do an activity outside.

As I said, he doesn’t really get along or enjoy spending time with her. He’s just trying to keep DD and MIL relationship afloat, or was.

This is OP posting again, adding, I guess this is what I don’t really get. DH doesn’t get along with his mom and doesn’t even spend a lot of time with her, other than surface level “you are my mother” type stuff, so I don’t understand why he cares more about potentially upsetting his mom than he does upsetting his DD by making her do something that she finds overwhelming

Overwhelming? From your OP it sounds like it’s more that it’s mildly annoying. While I agree with PPs that she should simply schedule some conflicts, I would also tell my daughter to tell her father that she wants to scale back. In fact I’ve had exactly that conversation with my tween.

Anonymous wrote:He’s using DD to be a proxy for him and assuage any guilt he has about his relationship with his mother. All day every weekend is way too much at that age.

+1

DH needs to own and deal with this.

How often are these visits?

Anonymous wrote:MIL lives just far enough away that quick visits aren’t possible. It’s always been a day-long visit.

How far away, OP?

Your husband is being unfair to your daughter. He's putting the burden of maintaining a relationship with his mother on his daughter.

He's either in or he's out and he has to take some ownership.

At 12, it’s time that dad steps back and let’s G’ma and DD run their own relationship. He can facilitate by driving, etc., but DD gets to define some of the terms. If you don’t already, allow for device time to FaceTime, or kids messenger or phone calls.

Her peer relationships are developmentally important right now, and she’s telling you that. If her relationship with Gma is important, they will find a way to make it work around less frequent visits.