OP I 100% understand. I am your peep.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Resources for clothes, shoes and hair seems materialistic. Why don’t you ask them about their goals,hopes and dreams instead?

Yes, their hopes, dreams and goals are the most I think about. I was just trying to give an example. I wasn’t even saying that I pay for the materialistic things, just in my mind their dreams are more important than mine (as is them looking nice compared to my desire to not look frumpy myself) and I was looking for advice. My kids are very independent, successful and exceptionally driven- wasn’t the point of post to brag about kids. But in typical narcissistic DCUM this has turned “what a great parent I am and not you.” I’m out. Thanks for the few that offered constructive feedback about my midlife feeling but too many b***** here for me.

Troll on, OP.

Everyone's family dynamic is different. DH and I decide where we're going on vacation. The kids living in our house come with us, and the college kids can decide whether or not they want to come. Sometimes we announce where we're going out for dinner and sometimes we give the kids two or three choices we've picked, for them to choose from. Part of being in a big family is learning that everyone gets a chance to be happy sometimes.

OP you need to find your way back to yourself. I have one in college and one in HS and I definitely do not think more about their hopes and dreams more than mine, because then who is focused on my hopes and dreams? Not my own mother (nor do I think she should be).

While we often take into account their preferences re restaurants and activities and occasionally re vacations, it's our money, so they can come or not.

I also make it a point to share my wins and goals with my kids. Just this week I texted my college-aged DC news about landing a new client along with a general update. S/he wrote back acknowledging it.

Midlife is the time to be selfish. Demonstrate self-love and self-confidence for your children. You'll all win.

If you are more focused on your adult kid's lives than your own you will eventually have little to contribute to conversations with them. It's not all that healthy to only talk about what they are doing, what they like, what they want. It's not really appropriate to allow interactions with them to be all about them. It's not good for them and it's not good for you. Try to find more balance so that you are a happy, interesting person aside from your natural interest in them.

Also, there is no topic you can start on DCUM that won't bring out a few snarks, try to let that roll off your back and don't take it personally or let it keep you from benefiting from the the actual valuable comments and advice.

You're paying for the hair and nails of your college age daughters?? Sorry but this is ridiculous to me. I assume you are paying for their tuition, but I would expect them to figure out how to pay for things like that. Taking them shopping for clothes is one thing but manicures are completely a luxury.

OP, another way to think of it is: you will want a peer relationship with your adult children. Peers give and take. And adult relationship with other adults requires it. So ... you can frame your thinking this way ~ that you are actually (still) helping them when you assert yourself and proclaim your preferences and they accommodate your needs. You will want the relationship to feel more equal as they age.

It’s really disgusting to take a slogan from such a critical issue and twist it to be about your adult children’s clothing.