Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are quite a few who come out of it with a much better marriage. I stayed and we are very happy. We always had an active sex life and still do. I guess the type of cheating matters, the circumstances and the quality/love/happiness of the marriage prior to cheating. We lost ourselves in the kid heavy years and both carried some unexpressed resentment had communication issues—it was largely a byproduct of kids taking all our focus and the different ways we dealt with that. Spouse was deeply, deeply remorseful and did a ton of work and still lists it as his biggest regret in life. I’m not sure we would have addressed our issues and just kept chugging along growing more dissatisfied if the infidelity hadn’t cracked everything wide open. I would never want anyone to go through that because it is absolutely brutal, but we have a beautiful family and are very happy and I’m glad I ultimately didn’t leave. Of it happens again, I would leave and that is known as well as ways to communicate clearly if one of us is unhappy.

I know many marriages where there is no known cheating that are absolutely miserable and they basically live their own lives at empty nest. And many of these are the ones that judge others for their choices about staying in a happy marriage with great compatibility that happened to have infidelity at some point. There is a lot of harsh judgement for spouses that choose to stay. I saw an interview when Beyonce was discussing this with another celeb who had also chosen to work on the marriage. It's 2022, there is choice and lots of options. And nobody knows what goes on in anyone else's marriage. IT's like the 'victims' are 'revictimized' by public opinion and that doesn't even include the 'she must have not been putting or been a nag' or all the other BS they like to lay the blame on women for...and most often from other women!

You don't know if there is cheating or if there are other abuses going on. This would be the business set up which can be done if there isn't a lot of further abuse.

True. But I'd take the happier, compatible intimate couple that went through infidelity than the business like ones that can't stand each other and have nothing in common any day! Of course the former with zero infidelity is the dream, but with cheating rates reported as up to 60% on some surveys it's less realistic in a 50+year marriage.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are thinking of imaginable returns associated with staying, but the pain of knowing you are sleeping with someone who has slept with someone else is hard to imagine. Wondering if they took them to that same restaurant, if they are really still in touch or if they are comparing you to the other person. The pain and betrayal are like a wound that does not heal.

You can stuff your feelings down and think "I got the japanese garden" or "fancy car, she did not," but your self esteem takes a real hit. In both of your eyes I think, because the husband knows he has you.

When women discuss this in terms of "divesting," it really turns my stomach because they are leaving the realm of love and intimacy and entering a business mindset which is transactional. Hey, some people live that way, but I operate on another plane.

That sort of opinion is very damaging for most women who aren't independently wealthy. You are selling them a pride-filled argument based on nothing real, which runs completely counter to their long-term financial (and thus health and safety) wellbeing.

If you really believe that infidelity is a wound that can't heal and that women who stay are somehow less than women who leave, you need psychiatric help.

I am independently wealthy woman who chose to exit marriage after infidelity. But it was not the infidelity itself - rather his behavior with me, our child overall that made me decide to end the marriage. Our sex was lame, we had nothing to talk about, he was sneaking out to call AP, hiding money by hiring contractors and overpaying them so they would pay him back, forgetting about my birthday or scandalizing with me on my birthday, driving erratically, drinking heavy liquors, calling names and hitting our teenage son - you continue the list!

But I had zero qualms sleeping with him knowing he was cheating. I needed sex once in a while and it was pitiful but at least something. No I was NOT traumatized by the mere fact of him sleeping with someone else; and I don't feel traumatized now. Men are not monogamous by at large, this is reality.

My reality enabled me to exit without catastrophical financial consequences. I still have a nice house, a good job and financial stability. But if I can totally understand if some women stay and don't judge them

Plus, you were/are motivated (not lazy!) and self sufficient - that is not always the case.

Anonymous wrote:I think if you can find a way to be cordial and never have sex with the person again and live somewhat separately the way these no-sex marriages work that is safe and respectable if not fulfilling, it could maybe work out at least till the kids are out of the house. Have a new set of rules to follow about the marriage that both of you agree to and adhere to. I can't imagine living in fear or living a lie is healthy for anyone and it's rubbish to believe that someone cheating on you especially repeatedly actually still loves you. I think a lot of women miss the money but not the man if you are asking strictly about women.

Many guys who claims they do not have sex with their wife have PLENTY of sex with their wife.

Many women who divorce over infidelity regret it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are thinking of imaginable returns associated with staying, but the pain of knowing you are sleeping with someone who has slept with someone else is hard to imagine. Wondering if they took them to that same restaurant, if they are really still in touch or if they are comparing you to the other person. The pain and betrayal are like a wound that does not heal.

You can stuff your feelings down and think "I got the japanese garden" or "fancy car, she did not," but your self esteem takes a real hit. In both of your eyes I think, because the husband knows he has you.

When women discuss this in terms of "divesting," it really turns my stomach because they are leaving the realm of love and intimacy and entering a business mindset which is transactional. Hey, some people live that way, but I operate on another plane.

That sort of opinion is very damaging for most women who aren't independently wealthy. You are selling them a pride-filled argument based on nothing real, which runs completely counter to their long-term financial (and thus health and safety) wellbeing.

If you really believe that infidelity is a wound that can't heal and that women who stay are somehow less than women who leave, you need psychiatric help.

I am independently wealthy woman who chose to exit marriage after infidelity. But it was not the infidelity itself - rather his behavior with me, our child overall that made me decide to end the marriage. Our sex was lame, we had nothing to talk about, he was sneaking out to call AP, hiding money by hiring contractors and overpaying them so they would pay him back, forgetting about my birthday or scandalizing with me on my birthday, driving erratically, drinking heavy liquors, calling names and hitting our teenage son - you continue the list!

But I had zero qualms sleeping with him knowing he was cheating. I needed sex once in a while and it was pitiful but at least something. No I was NOT traumatized by the mere fact of him sleeping with someone else; and I don't feel traumatized now. Men are not monogamous by at large, this is reality.

My reality enabled me to exit without catastrophical financial consequences. I still have a nice house, a good job and financial stability. But if I can totally understand if some women stay and don't judge them

Anonymous wrote:There are quite a few who come out of it with a much better marriage. I stayed and we are very happy. We always had an active sex life and still do. I guess the type of cheating matters, the circumstances and the quality/love/happiness of the marriage prior to cheating. We lost ourselves in the kid heavy years and both carried some unexpressed resentment had communication issues—it was largely a byproduct of kids taking all our focus and the different ways we dealt with that. Spouse was deeply, deeply remorseful and did a ton of work and still lists it as his biggest regret in life. I’m not sure we would have addressed our issues and just kept chugging along growing more dissatisfied if the infidelity hadn’t cracked everything wide open. I would never want anyone to go through that because it is absolutely brutal, but we have a beautiful family and are very happy and I’m glad I ultimately didn’t leave. Of it happens again, I would leave and that is known as well as ways to communicate clearly if one of us is unhappy.

This is similar to my experience.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are quite a few who come out of it with a much better marriage. I stayed and we are very happy. We always had an active sex life and still do. I guess the type of cheating matters, the circumstances and the quality/love/happiness of the marriage prior to cheating. We lost ourselves in the kid heavy years and both carried some unexpressed resentment had communication issues—it was largely a byproduct of kids taking all our focus and the different ways we dealt with that. Spouse was deeply, deeply remorseful and did a ton of work and still lists it as his biggest regret in life. I’m not sure we would have addressed our issues and just kept chugging along growing more dissatisfied if the infidelity hadn’t cracked everything wide open. I would never want anyone to go through that because it is absolutely brutal, but we have a beautiful family and are very happy and I’m glad I ultimately didn’t leave. Of it happens again, I would leave and that is known as well as ways to communicate clearly if one of us is unhappy.

I know many marriages where there is no known cheating that are absolutely miserable and they basically live their own lives at empty nest. And many of these are the ones that judge others for their choices about staying in a happy marriage with great compatibility that happened to have infidelity at some point. There is a lot of harsh judgement for spouses that choose to stay. I saw an interview when Beyonce was discussing this with another celeb who had also chosen to work on the marriage. It's 2022, there is choice and lots of options. And nobody knows what goes on in anyone else's marriage. IT's like the 'victims' are 'revictimized' by public opinion and that doesn't even include the 'she must have not been putting or been a nag' or all the other BS they like to lay the blame on women for...and most often from other women!

You don't know if there is cheating or if there are other abuses going on. This would be the business set up which can be done if there isn't a lot of further abuse.

It all depends on whether the cheater is justifying and excusing their behavior and repeating it or being remorseful and disciplining themselves and making amends with you in the relationship whether it's worth the time of the person who didn't cheat.

Anonymous wrote:There are quite a few who come out of it with a much better marriage. I stayed and we are very happy. We always had an active sex life and still do. I guess the type of cheating matters, the circumstances and the quality/love/happiness of the marriage prior to cheating. We lost ourselves in the kid heavy years and both carried some unexpressed resentment had communication issues—it was largely a byproduct of kids taking all our focus and the different ways we dealt with that. Spouse was deeply, deeply remorseful and did a ton of work and still lists it as his biggest regret in life. I’m not sure we would have addressed our issues and just kept chugging along growing more dissatisfied if the infidelity hadn’t cracked everything wide open. I would never want anyone to go through that because it is absolutely brutal, but we have a beautiful family and are very happy and I’m glad I ultimately didn’t leave. Of it happens again, I would leave and that is known as well as ways to communicate clearly if one of us is unhappy.

I know many marriages where there is no known cheating that are absolutely miserable and they basically live their own lives at empty nest. And many of these are the ones that judge others for their choices about staying in a happy marriage with great compatibility that happened to have infidelity at some point. There is a lot of harsh judgement for spouses that choose to stay. I saw an interview when Beyonce was discussing this with another celeb who had also chosen to work on the marriage. It's 2022, there is choice and lots of options. And nobody knows what goes on in anyone else's marriage. IT's like the 'victims' are 'revictimized' by public opinion and that doesn't even include the 'she must have not been putting or been a nag' or all the other BS they like to lay the blame on women for...and most often from other women!

Anonymous wrote:You are thinking of imaginable returns associated with staying, but the pain of knowing you are sleeping with someone who has slept with someone else is hard to imagine. Wondering if they took them to that same restaurant, if they are really still in touch or if they are comparing you to the other person. The pain and betrayal are like a wound that does not heal.

You can stuff your feelings down and think "I got the japanese garden" or "fancy car, she did not," but your self esteem takes a real hit. In both of your eyes I think, because the husband knows he has you.

When women discuss this in terms of "divesting," it really turns my stomach because they are leaving the realm of love and intimacy and entering a business mindset which is transactional. Hey, some people live that way, but I operate on another plane.

That sort of opinion is very damaging for most women who aren't independently wealthy. You are selling them a pride-filled argument based on nothing real, which runs completely counter to their long-term financial (and thus health and safety) wellbeing.

If you really believe that infidelity is a wound that can't heal and that women who stay are somehow less than women who leave, you need psychiatric help.

Anonymous wrote:You are thinking of imaginable returns associated with staying, but the pain of knowing you are sleeping with someone who has slept with someone else is hard to imagine. Wondering if they took them to that same restaurant, if they are really still in touch or if they are comparing you to the other person. The pain and betrayal are like a wound that does not heal.

You can stuff your feelings down and think "I got the japanese garden" or "fancy car, she did not," but your self esteem takes a real hit. In both of your eyes I think, because the husband knows he has you.

When women discuss this in terms of "divesting," it really turns my stomach because they are leaving the realm of love and intimacy and entering a business mindset which is transactional. Hey, some people live that way, but I operate on another plane.

How is it a 'business mindset' if the woman works and earns comparable and wouldn't take a financial hit? It's not black and white. Most people do not talk about infidelity, many happy marriages you see and envy---guess what? many went through this at some point. My 'couples goal' marriage turned out to have infidelity which I only found out decades later--it was a mere blip by the time she told me and she didn't regret a thing. She did say like another pp, it actually made them closer and fight more for one another and the marriage. What you almost lost and all...is pretty powerful.

Also consider what you are teaching your daughters and sons, if you stay with someone who lies and subjects you to this kind of emotional abuse.

Especially if they get a whiff of you staying for better material surroundings.

It is not a good lesson for their future relationships.

Anonymous wrote:The problem with cheating is that is often comes with other personality flaws. Financial infidelity draining family's budget is what my exH did as well. Also, they make your daily existence truly miserable but constant scolding and arguments. It was emotionally unsafe for me to stay in that dead marriage. He was not remorseful blaming his cheating on me. I was all MY fault.


If it was a one-off affair and my spouse was truly remorseful, attended couples therapy etc I would have tried to save it 100%

DP. Agree. ^ and individual therapy, likely both will need it.

You are thinking of imaginable returns associated with staying, but the pain of knowing you are sleeping with someone who has slept with someone else is hard to imagine. Wondering if they took them to that same restaurant, if they are really still in touch or if they are comparing you to the other person. The pain and betrayal are like a wound that does not heal.

You can stuff your feelings down and think "I got the japanese garden" or "fancy car, she did not," but your self esteem takes a real hit. In both of your eyes I think, because the husband knows he has you.

When women discuss this in terms of "divesting," it really turns my stomach because they are leaving the realm of love and intimacy and entering a business mindset which is transactional. Hey, some people live that way, but I operate on another plane.

The problem with cheating is that is often comes with other personality flaws. Financial infidelity draining family's budget is what my exH did as well. Also, they make your daily existence truly miserable but constant scolding and arguments. It was emotionally unsafe for me to stay in that dead marriage. He was not remorseful blaming his cheating on me. I was all MY fault.


If it was a one-off affair and my spouse was truly remorseful, attended couples therapy etc I would have tried to save it 100%

There are quite a few who come out of it with a much better marriage. I stayed and we are very happy. We always had an active sex life and still do. I guess the type of cheating matters, the circumstances and the quality/love/happiness of the marriage prior to cheating. We lost ourselves in the kid heavy years and both carried some unexpressed resentment had communication issues—it was largely a byproduct of kids taking all our focus and the different ways we dealt with that. Spouse was deeply, deeply remorseful and did a ton of work and still lists it as his biggest regret in life. I’m not sure we would have addressed our issues and just kept chugging along growing more dissatisfied if the infidelity hadn’t cracked everything wide open. I would never want anyone to go through that because it is absolutely brutal, but we have a beautiful family and are very happy and I’m glad I ultimately didn’t leave. Of it happens again, I would leave and that is known as well as ways to communicate clearly if one of us is unhappy.