Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just stop to the ones that say he needs "anxiety meds". You have to understand that his generation didn't "go to therapy" and definitely didn't take anxiety medicine. Sorry, I agree with your dad. He isn't anxious, he's being himself. Tell him you're sorry you mentioned therapy.

Just have a normal conversation with him about how you feel and accept that it will take time to get used to him there, for you and him.

No, you don’t get it. Sorry. That’s not how it works with people in decline, and OP’s Dad wouldn’t be living with them if things were going great. The meds are to make the person feel better but mainly they’re to make managing them…manageable. So they aren’t fighting you in the evenings and getting out of bed alone at 4am. That sort of thing. OP’s not there yet but she’s on her way.

Yeah I mean, I'd drug him if he refused, straight up. Making this work might require extreme measures. Xanax in his dinner or something.

This is OP.

He is 82 but according to his doctors “in remarkable health” for his age. He takes BP meds. miralax, and a vitamin and that’s it. He does have a bit of age-related memory loss but nothing too significant; the doctor said, “his memory is basically better than mine.”

There is no doubt he is depressed and I mentioned this to his new doctor up here when I made the appointment. He had a talk with my dad who does not want to take antidepressants or join and exercise group or “talk to someone.”

The reasons he came to live with us:
1. So, mom passed away sometime ago and he has been living on his own. At first he kept up with friends and family and that slowly dwindled. Partly because he friends died or moved into independent living or assisted living. His circle shrank tremendously over the past 5 years. He was always by himself and complaining about how he was lonely but he wouldn’t do senior activities at a church, join in the happy hours at the rec center where he lived down south (just a regular housing development but they had activities for residents and a pool, movie night, etc. Lots of both families and retirees)

2. He said over and over he is getting too old to deal with everything himself and just didn’t want to do it anymore. My DH and I have on DS who is in college so he dropped all these hints about how we have nothing better to do with our time now anyway that we are empty nesters (never mind we both work full time). I have one sister but she lives/works out of the country. She has always been partially estranged since she turned 21, cycling in and out whenever she feels like it.

3. His (last) best friend went into an assisted living recently and told my dad horror stories so no way is he going to go for that. The friend called him every day saying how “god awful” everything is and how he hates being around all those “pathetic old people” and he’s treated like a “piece of shit” by these “morons.”

As I am typing this I am depressing myself even more. Today I tried basically ignoring his complaints/insults/attempts to tell me what to do. It made it a little earlier but he caught on pretty quickly. Example:’”Ignoring my comment about how the how cheap your windows are isn’t going to make the problem go away” “So, I see you are still planning to take the dog out late at night even though your husband is perfectly capable and should be the one to do it” (btw “late at night” was maybe 9PM.

My father has memory issues, is constantly anxious, which sometimes leads to skin-picking/infections and sometimes bursts of anger, directed at the only person who lives with him - my mother.

Aging is HARD. I think you need to start ignoring his very annoying comments as much as you can, and tell him:
"If you can't stop making comments, you have to seek treatment for your anxiety or live elsewhere".

But at some point, anything you say won't percolate anyway - he'll be too far gone. At that point, he'll likely have to move to a nursing home, unless he can be accompanied at home by a rotating cast of aides, with all the appropriate medication.

So, I am a geriatric psychologist, and this comes from two places:

1. What he's saying comes from CARING about you. When is the last time he saw how you lived life up close in this much detail? Before you left for college? You were a different person then. An actual CHILD then, who needed parenting. He hasn't adjusted to you being a full grown competent adult.
2. What he's saying also comes from worrying about what he would do in these situations. He worries what he'd do if he got a flat, if he was walking the dog and got attacked and the dog ran off, if he was out when it was dark and got turned around and lost, if he ate the amount you ate he'd be hungry. It's projection.

I went to help my mom with her health issues and it drove me bonkers because she was so demanding and abrasive. It also grieved me to see what she was going through, and I also grieved for losing the strong mother that I had.

Once she recovered, I do not have the bandwidth to engage with her and my heart hurts because of my pettiness. I just don't have it in me to engage. Thankfully, I did not have any confrontation with her. I understand that she is human. It will take some time but I am faking it till I make it with her.

This realization that she is not the same has allowed me to reassess what my new relationship with her be like. I do have to manage her anxiety and now all my siblings do not tell her any bad news. We have her out of the loop.

Here is an interesting thing though. My kids are in college and very often I have the same anxiety about them as my mom has about us. I fear gun violence, drug overdose, hazing death, some kind of new virus...I feel I can easily turn into her or I am turning into her.

Does he have anything to do? It sounds like it is part getting older and part very lonely. Does he have any activities? Can he drive? Maybe get him involved in a gym (with older people like a YMCA) or card game. Maybe meet friends for lunch once or twice a week.

Anonymous wrote:This is only going to get worse. Much worse. I'm so sorry. Please take care of yourself.

This. This is what happens. I have seen it with my parents before and during dementia. I would start looking into facilities. It truly becomes a living hell and they refuse to take meds or go off them or whatever and they tantrum and I suspect the people who say confront him or suck it up and ignore it didn't have to see where this goes. it goes to monster hell. Find a good facility where he can be safe. Visit him there. Collaborate with them regarding proper meds and help so he can enjoy life. Know that when he drives you insane you can wrap it up with "It was nice to see you dad. I can tell you need some time to yourself. Looking forward to next visit. Shall I bring your favorite lunch?" Then you can drive off and do something special for yourself to unwind.

Anonymous wrote:Just stop to the ones that say he needs "anxiety meds". You have to understand that his generation didn't "go to therapy" and definitely didn't take anxiety medicine. Sorry, I agree with your dad. He isn't anxious, he's being himself. Tell him you're sorry you mentioned therapy.

Just have a normal conversation with him about how you feel and accept that it will take time to get used to him there, for you and him.

No, you don’t get it. Sorry. That’s not how it works with people in decline, and OP’s Dad wouldn’t be living with them if things were going great. The meds are to make the person feel better but mainly they’re to make managing them…manageable. So they aren’t fighting you in the evenings and getting out of bed alone at 4am. That sort of thing. OP’s not there yet but she’s on her way.

Just stop to the ones that say he needs "anxiety meds". You have to understand that his generation didn't "go to therapy" and definitely didn't take anxiety medicine. Sorry, I agree with your dad. He isn't anxious, he's being himself. Tell him you're sorry you mentioned therapy.

Just have a normal conversation with him about how you feel and accept that it will take time to get used to him there, for you and him.

This is only going to get worse. Much worse. I'm so sorry. Please take care of yourself.

Op - how is this health? Age? And what prompted him to come live with you?

There's no way we can know if this is just a difficult parent in your life or if he's elderly, frail and mentally in decline.

OP, this is an adult relationship. You call people out. You call people out and they get mad but hopefully a new equilibrium is reached. What he said to you was unfair. Very unfair. Try to get past it though. I would give each other lots of space for a few days and ease into ordinary interaction. You should not accept another comment re: you don't want me here - not without challenging it, and the negativity. You can continue to call him out on that.

It changes or he goes. Speak it.

If this doesn't change quick, You SHOULD wish for him to go to move out. That should be the goal. You are not obligated to endure abuse (and constant complaining is abuse). He's taking-up way too much oxygen in the room, so-to-speak. It's not fair to your family. It's not just about you. Your family is not obligated to put up with this if it's as extreme and it sounds. How do you get him out though, I do not know. Is there someone who's advice he trusts who can *really* lay down the law: Your behavior changes or you aren't going to live there much longer. A Pastor,? A longtime friend of his? Another relative? Anyone know a social worker? He has to know them, t's not as important that you know them well (because any reasonable person will relate to the struggle you are going through)

Extreme anxiety and depression is part and parcel of growing old and cognitive decline. I have seen the fear set in among my elderly relatives. How do you combat that? You do it by making sure they are exercising, they are interacting with other people and that they are doing chores. They need to get up early and have a routine for at least the first 4 hours of their day.

Ask them to help you out when you are doing something. Include them to be active participant in domestic chores.

And yes, you need to ignore them by listening to music.

This sounds endlessly irritating OP. But it's very hard to change someone else's way of being.

I think I'd change how you are reacting to it. Stop engaging in every little anxiety he brings up. Just say "hmm" or "ahh" or "interesting" to whatever he says you can't do. And then DO IT ANYWAY. You have to stop trying to convince him that doing laundry at night is ok. Just do your laundry, let him wring his hands, and smile and move on.

I don't think this is easy, and I think it will take practice. But you have to almost make it a game. HE WILL DO THIS. A lot apparently. Play "anxiety" bingo and see if you can anticipate how many ways you're gonna die today.

It's hard because it's a big shift in the way you have normally communicated. But you just need to let this stuff bounce or, or roll over you, instead of absorbing it all.

Of course you can also ask that he knock it off. But that seems like a lot more work and mental anguish.

Maybe he has dementia. Anxiety meds might help. Also visiting hours.