OP, as someone else mentioned, your father is unlikely to qualify for assisted living. Most require that residents be ambulatory. If he is not at home with aides, he will need a nursing home.

HOWEVER: not all nursing homes are like warehouses for the elderly! My mom was at Goodwin House (they have two branches in Northern VA). She had her own comfortable room with private bath, built-in desk and bookshelves, closet space, etc. It was kind of like a very high-end dorm room. And the nursing care residents can participate in the same activities as the people in independent and assisted living (concerts, art classes, eating in the restaurant, all that). There are a lot of horrible nursing homes, but there are good ones too, so I would not assume this can't be an option. And everything the PPs have said about more social interactions is 100% true.

My mom had a wonderful aide (this was before she went to Goodwin House) who lived in five days a week and went home on weekends. She was amazing and everyone loved her. That said, we got very lucky finding her, and because we wanted to keep her, and my mom was not the easiest person to deal with, we paid her more than double what the typical aide makes. (We could do this b/c my mom had an amazing Long Term Care insurance plan-- the kind they don't sell anymore, more than $400/day, no lifetime max).

The downside of aides as opposed to nursing home: if aide is sick or hits traffic or whatever, it's all on you. In addition to the wonderful weekly live-in aide, we worked with an agency to provide weekend aides and aides to cover the main aides days off. (My mother needed a high level of care). But even with that, there were frequent crises where my husband or I ended up basically dropping everything to go change diapers, etc. I wish we had been able to persuade her to consider nursing care or assisted living sooner....

I think the key to IL or AL being a decent experience is moving in when you are still cognitively there and mobile enough (even with a Rollator or power chair). You are able to take advantage of the social things and make friends. I think when people wait until they on deaths door step and are miserable in IL or AL.

I'm here to agree. My Mom had more social interaction walking down the hall of AL than she had during an entire week living in her home.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is aging in place? So sorry this is happening. Seems like assisted living and an aide is a lot of money. What places would people recommend?

I am so salty when it comes to this. It's aging until the end in your own home. I have a parent who insisted on this while she had full cognitive capacity in part because she buried her head in the sand about how poorly her own parents aged. She let her sibling do all the work and it pretty much killed her sibling even with tons of hired help. It is incredibly unrealistic unless you age well and have a ranch style home that is totally set up for aging issues. The worst part is my mother just rots at home. Her social network has dwindled into nothing and she is angry and hostile.The brain needs social interaction where you are forced to use social skills. Bossing around family members and throwing tantrums does not help the brain function properly. At a facility is easier to make sure they consistently take meds (including mood stabilizing meds) and they get that vital peer interaction even if means a peer saying "Don't talk to me like that!"The beautiful thing is when they form friendships at these facilities and get that little spark again and they see it like college dorm life for the aging. One of my autns aged backwards once she was surrounded by peers and making friends and didn't have to worry about meals and cleaning.

This! The social reasons for doing assisted living can’t be emphasized enough. My mom deteriorated at home once she could no longer drive because she lost her social connections. Now in assisted living she has made several friends. I was there one morning and a couple friends called to confirm what time they were meeting for lunch in the dining room. Their lunches last for over an hour as they eat through three courses of salad/soup then main meal the desert and coffee. Then they go to activities together like a lecture or bingo. Pre-COVID they went in field trips. Cognitively my mother improved moving to AL.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Different area, but the AL facility that I looked at for my dad you could have people come in to help, but no live-in help was allowed.

If you are in an AL you don’t need live in help. Depending on their needs, AL might be enough. But if they need a little more help, 4hrs/day for 2-3 times a week might be enough to bathe them, set up their medications box, and some light housekeeping.

When my parents first needed an aide, they were there for 4 hours a day (while living in IL), 5 days a week. It was a giant improvement on their quality of life.

Our experience was for that level of need AL is not enough. I think you need 24 hour coverage in addition which does not mean live in, it means rotating aides. You cannot have 1 person for that task. consult with an aging professional who knows the ALs in your area and she/he can tell you what they allow and what you need. If he needs to use the bathroom, you need someone right there if he cannot do it on his own. AL are into light assistance, not high level, some assistance with bathing, minor bathroom assistance. Usually the people who cannot walk are ones who were there when they could as needs increased the families adjusted and added more services. Just our experience. May vary.