Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For me, I remember as a kid feeling that the dynamics of really close girlfriends were suffocating both physically and emotionally. I think it might be from growing up with all brothers and male cousins. As an adult, I still find the expectations of intimacy from the “close friend” type women to be pretty demanding. I have made peace with the fact that I am doomed to have many un-close friends.

It’s not so bad, because I do consider the friends I’ve had for 20 years to be close, just in a different sense. Perhaps all you need is to look at your friendships in a different light? Comparison is the thief of joy, after all.

I agree. I grew up with just brothers and several of the women I've been friends with expected me to drop things and run to them when I could not. I had a serious job and worked lots of hours trying to move up the ladder just a smidge. Most women had to work twice as much as the guys to get anywhere at work and I had friends who weren't sympathetic or didn't understand that. Too many women and even boyfriends expected hour long phone conversations. I could not be that person who talked every day or had constant long conversations. I was often exhausted from work and would feel stressed by the expectations of some of my friends. I have a child with sns and dealing with that was so hard and dealing with friends who had no clue was worse. I dropped a lot of friends through my kid's early school years. Now throw in politics and it's even harder. Op I don't think there is anything wrong with you. If you have a more professional job, I think it is just different. Good luck.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:T[b]o have good friends you have to be a good friend. How much effort do you put into these relationships? How do you show up for friends?[/b]

+1

OP, the women I know who ask this are very one way, and rarely (if ever) ask about the other person. They can even come across as competitive, and are more "friendly" when you are down, than up.

My friendships that do span my lifetime do so because they are two-way.

The ones that have fizzled out, even after years, were too one way, and some might say to an extreme.

That, and people in this area can be judgy, presumptuous and some are users. I have become better at gauging that, thankfully.

Anonymous wrote:For me, I remember as a kid feeling that the dynamics of really close girlfriends were suffocating both physically and emotionally. I think it might be from growing up with all brothers and male cousins. As an adult, I still find the expectations of intimacy from the “close friend” type women to be pretty demanding. I have made peace with the fact that I am doomed to have many un-close friends.

It’s not so bad, because I do consider the friends I’ve had for 20 years to be close, just in a different sense. Perhaps all you need is to look at your friendships in a different light? Comparison is the thief of joy, after all.

Anonymous wrote:T[b]o have good friends you have to be a good friend. How much effort do you put into these relationships? How do you show up for friends?[/b]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

My suggestion is to start a text friendship with someone suitable. Memes, links to articles, photo of something you saw shopping, etc. If they respond somewhat quickly and reciprocate, keep it going, being cautious not to overwhelm. Less pressure and chance of rejection than an invite, which can come later.

Lol. OP here and this might be why I struggle with these friendships -- I cannot do the whole text friendship thing. I mean, I text with friends but this specific dynamic you are talking about it is just not something I can do. I've had people do this with me and I admire their ability to be clever in quick off-the-cuff texts or to think of me randomly in the middle of their workday and send me a text about something I might be interested in.

I am great 1:1 or in small groups and can be a lot of fun and I know how to get to know people in person -- who to ask questions and share things about myself, etc. But I can't get the hang of text/social media friendships. I am not even on Facebook. I don't like looking at my phone throughout the day and mostly only keep it nearby in case something happens with my kid or there's an emergency with my DH. Who, by the way, I don't text a lot with. My personality just does not come through via texting and I've tried. Maybe that's the problem -- I can't communicate in the current language of friendship.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

My suggestion is to start a text friendship with someone suitable. Memes, links to articles, photo of something you saw shopping, etc. If they respond somewhat quickly and reciprocate, keep it going, being cautious not to overwhelm. Less pressure and chance of rejection than an invite, which can come later.

Lol. OP here and this might be why I struggle with these friendships -- I cannot do the whole text friendship thing. I mean, I text with friends but this specific dynamic you are talking about it is just not something I can do. I've had people do this with me and I admire their ability to be clever in quick off-the-cuff texts or to think of me randomly in the middle of their workday and send me a text about something I might be interested in.

I am great 1:1 or in small groups and can be a lot of fun and I know how to get to know people in person -- who to ask questions and share things about myself, etc. But I can't get the hang of text/social media friendships. I am not even on Facebook. I don't like looking at my phone throughout the day and mostly only keep it nearby in case something happens with my kid or there's an emergency with my DH. Who, by the way, I don't text a lot with. My personality just does not come through via texting and I've tried. Maybe that's the problem -- I can't communicate in the current language of friendship.

Anonymous wrote:

My suggestion is to start a text friendship with someone suitable. Memes, links to articles, photo of something you saw shopping, etc. If they respond somewhat quickly and reciprocate, keep it going, being cautious not to overwhelm. Less pressure and chance of rejection than an invite, which can come later.

Anonymous wrote:I feel the same sometimes and have thought about it quite a bit recently.

In my life, the women I know who have lots of female friends and who have an identified BFF have either never married or married relatively late, or they are married and don’t work outside the home. I admire their talent for friendship and I envy them a bit.

I’m sure part of it is personality. However, I also married young and remain married, so I didn’t have a period of single-woman bonding like many or most women of my background do. My husband doesn’t have a lot of friends, so while I meet a friend for a drink or walk or coffee, I don’t do it once a week with the same friend, as someone suggested. I also work, so the time I have less free time during the work day than do my friends who don’t work outside the home.

I would love to have the kind of friendships I see in books and movies, right? I often feel like everyone else has that and I don’t

Anonymous wrote:I could have written this word for word. I started dating my H very young (22) a d I think as a result I kind of missed out on the bonding that a lot of women did in their 20s. It's my own fault for not prioritizing it but it is what it is

I'm trying to just make peace with it. I have a great social life and really enjoy the people in it, I try not to focus on what I don't have. I do make considerable effort with my mom friends and I hope that in a decade when our kids are grown, that effort will pay off with friendships that endure. But idk. Sometimes I feel like I could disappear and they might not really notice.

Anonymous wrote:I could have written this word for word. I started dating my H very young (22) a d I think as a result I kind of missed out on the bonding that a lot of women did in their 20s. It's my own fault for not prioritizing it but it is what it is

I'm trying to just make peace with it. I have a great social life and really enjoy the people in it, I try not to focus on what I don't have. I do make considerable effort with my mom friends and I hope that in a decade when our kids are grown, that effort will pay off with friendships that endure. But idk. Sometimes I feel like I could disappear and they might not really notice.

Anonymous wrote:I could have written this word for word. I started dating my H very young (22) a d I think as a result I kind of missed out on the bonding that a lot of women did in their 20s. It's my own fault for not prioritizing it but it is what it is

I'm trying to just make peace with it. I have a great social life and really enjoy the people in it, I try not to focus on what I don't have. I do make considerable effort with my mom friends and I hope that in a decade when our kids are grown, that effort will pay off with friendships that endure. But idk. Sometimes I feel like I could disappear and they might not really notice.