Anonymous
10/01/2022 12:45
Subject: Navigating an interfaith household
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:We have a similar set up. I am culturally Jewish, husband was Christian, then Catholic. We don't do any religion in our home except Hanukkah when I remember and I get him a few Christmas gifts (and the kids). When my MIL was alive we'd have a tree to make her happy but since she passed we don't do the tree as I got tired of setting it up. If my husband wants it he can have it. Don't over think it. Its not a big deal.
Catholics are Christian. The first Christians, in fact.
Yes, but not all Christians are Catholic. The PP said her husband was Christian THEN Catholic. So unless you are claiming all Christians as Catholic you are morally outraged at nothing it seems.
Anonymous
10/01/2022 11:47
Subject: Navigating an interfaith household
Our conservative synagogue is more accepting of interfaith households and patrilineal Jews than my reform synagogue growing up was.
People shouldn’t generalize about Jewish denominations.
People shouldn’t generalize about Jewish denominations.
Anonymous
10/01/2022 10:11
Subject: Re:Navigating an interfaith household
He doesn't necessarily have to participate, but there's a difference between non-participation and obstruction. He doesn't have to go to shul with you, but will he take turns dropping the kids off at Hebrew school (if you send them) or refuse to have anything to do with it? Will he be upset if you light Shabbat or Hanukkah candles? Observe Passover, even if just a seder and not the whole holiday? Don't go to work on High Holidays? Make disparaging comments? If he can be neutral, it can work. But it is so hard to know that ahead of time.
I think a lot depends on what observance looks like to you and how you envision it for your kids. Work that out first and then figure out what it would like if he were neutral. Maybe you just want light acknowledgement of holidays - that wouldn't be so hard. Maybe there are particular values you see as Jewish that he also values without thinking of them as Jewish, so you can talk about how to impart them to your kids. Maybe there are values he has that you would also agree to impart, without labeling them Catholic or Christian. Also, figure out your stance on Christmas, Christmas trees, Easter, and egg roll/Easter bunny, because almost certainly he will want those and not see them as religious. (And maybe you won't either and it will be easy, who knows.)
I think a lot depends on what observance looks like to you and how you envision it for your kids. Work that out first and then figure out what it would like if he were neutral. Maybe you just want light acknowledgement of holidays - that wouldn't be so hard. Maybe there are particular values you see as Jewish that he also values without thinking of them as Jewish, so you can talk about how to impart them to your kids. Maybe there are values he has that you would also agree to impart, without labeling them Catholic or Christian. Also, figure out your stance on Christmas, Christmas trees, Easter, and egg roll/Easter bunny, because almost certainly he will want those and not see them as religious. (And maybe you won't either and it will be easy, who knows.)
Anonymous
10/01/2022 08:13
Subject: Navigating an interfaith household
Many here don't understand what culturally Jewish is. My husband didn't understand 25 years ago either, but now he does.
My only suggestion is to talk about it BEFORE you have kids, and figure out what it looks like. Is it important for you that your children have a bar/bat Mitzvah? Is it important to you to celebrate Jewish holidays as a family (Passover, High Holidays, etc.).
For us, raised Catholic spouse is now Unitarian Universalist, and that is easier than Atheist, but you also need to figure out death rituals (what each other wants once they pass away). For us, it was important to me that the kids were raised Jewish, and it was important to him to have a Christmas Tree and Easter baskets (I would define that as culturally Christian). When the kids were little we would say, Santa or the Easter Bunny is bringing this for dad, and they're a nice guy and won't leave out the rest of the family members.
Our family joined a temple (important to husband that there not be too much Hebrew, so a reformed synagogue it was), he participated (sometimes drove kids to Hebrew and Sunday School, came with all of us during the High Holidays and other important services - when the third grade class - or whatever age our kids were - were involved, and was an active participant in their b'nai mitzvahs).
My only suggestion is to talk about it BEFORE you have kids, and figure out what it looks like. Is it important for you that your children have a bar/bat Mitzvah? Is it important to you to celebrate Jewish holidays as a family (Passover, High Holidays, etc.).
For us, raised Catholic spouse is now Unitarian Universalist, and that is easier than Atheist, but you also need to figure out death rituals (what each other wants once they pass away). For us, it was important to me that the kids were raised Jewish, and it was important to him to have a Christmas Tree and Easter baskets (I would define that as culturally Christian). When the kids were little we would say, Santa or the Easter Bunny is bringing this for dad, and they're a nice guy and won't leave out the rest of the family members.
Our family joined a temple (important to husband that there not be too much Hebrew, so a reformed synagogue it was), he participated (sometimes drove kids to Hebrew and Sunday School, came with all of us during the High Holidays and other important services - when the third grade class - or whatever age our kids were - were involved, and was an active participant in their b'nai mitzvahs).
Anonymous
10/01/2022 07:57
Subject: Re:Navigating an interfaith household
Your husband believes in no religion so why are you posting about interfaith household?
Anonymous
10/01/2022 07:55
Subject: Navigating an interfaith household
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:We have a similar set up. I am culturally Jewish, husband was Christian, then Catholic. We don't do any religion in our home except Hanukkah when I remember and I get him a few Christmas gifts (and the kids). When my MIL was alive we'd have a tree to make her happy but since she passed we don't do the tree as I got tired of setting it up. If my husband wants it he can have it. Don't over think it. Its not a big deal.
Catholics are Christian. The first Christians, in fact.
Oh please don’t start that fight
We are mostly irreligious. I like Halloween, thanksgiving, do Christmas lights, we have the tree and gifts and fancy meal, I also celebrate Easter by cooking.
I do church for weddings, funerals and my family does the infant baptism.
That is enough for me
Anonymous
09/29/2022 15:39
Subject: Navigating an interfaith household
Anonymous wrote:We have a similar set up. I am culturally Jewish, husband was Christian, then Catholic. We don't do any religion in our home except Hanukkah when I remember and I get him a few Christmas gifts (and the kids). When my MIL was alive we'd have a tree to make her happy but since she passed we don't do the tree as I got tired of setting it up. If my husband wants it he can have it. Don't over think it. Its not a big deal.
Catholics are Christian. The first Christians, in fact.
Anonymous
09/29/2022 15:37
Subject: Re:Navigating an interfaith household
Anonymous wrote:I am not Jewish but another religion and my DH is agnostic. My religion is really important to me, and before we had children, DH agreed to raise our children in the religion. I attend weekly services with my children and DH joins at holidays and other important times. I went to services on my own before having children. This is very possible.
+1
I'm Christian (Lutheran) and DH is Jewish. I raised our children in the Lutheran church, without his participation.
However: One star. Do not recommend. It's hard and lonely.
Anonymous
09/29/2022 15:01
Subject: Navigating an interfaith household
Anonymous wrote:This post could have been written by me about 15 years ago, except I was raised in a Reform household. My husband was raised in a strongly atheist home (his mother was cultually Jewish and his father was a fallen Catholic) and he was really taught to disdain religion. Early in our dating, I let him know that raising a Jewish family was extremely important to me and really non-negotiable. Our development into a Jewish family happened slowly and his participation really varies. One of the most important things for us was finding a synagogue that was the right place for us. In our family that meant a Reform, super liberal, down to earth community and one that welcomes interfaith and diverse couples. Although my husband is technically Jewish since his mother is Jewish, he doesn't necessarily feel jewish, so we needed a place that not only accepted mixed families, but recongized their value and truly welcomes diversity. We started with the occasional tot shabbat when my kids were little which he would sometimes join us for and sometimes not. We eventually joined the synagogue when my older child was ready to start religioius school. Over the years, he has come to truly value the community. He will occasionally attend services, particuarly if my kids are participating (choir or whatever) but often opts out. But he comes to social events, hangs out with our synagogue friends, and really enjoys the people and the value added of the home it is for our kids. I learned early on not to put pressure on him, but to allow him to decide what his participation would look like on his own terms. We also celebrate the major holidays with my family (and invite his family when they are in town). Some of his extended family is obviously not Jewish, so we sometimes spend Christmas with them and the kids understand clearly that we are sharing in their traditions. It has worked out remarkably well for us
Sounds like DH learned from you, what the really important parts of religion are -- traditions and community. It sounds like in your synagogue, you don't have to pretend to believe any weird stuff to have those important elements.
Anonymous
09/29/2022 13:12
Subject: Navigating an interfaith household
This post could have been written by me about 15 years ago, except I was raised in a Reform household. My husband was raised in a strongly atheist home (his mother was cultually Jewish and his father was a fallen Catholic) and he was really taught to disdain religion. Early in our dating, I let him know that raising a Jewish family was extremely important to me and really non-negotiable. Our development into a Jewish family happened slowly and his participation really varies. One of the most important things for us was finding a synagogue that was the right place for us. In our family that meant a Reform, super liberal, down to earth community and one that welcomes interfaith and diverse couples. Although my husband is technically Jewish since his mother is Jewish, he doesn't necessarily feel jewish, so we needed a place that not only accepted mixed families, but recongized their value and truly welcomes diversity. We started with the occasional tot shabbat when my kids were little which he would sometimes join us for and sometimes not. We eventually joined the synagogue when my older child was ready to start religioius school. Over the years, he has come to truly value the community. He will occasionally attend services, particuarly if my kids are participating (choir or whatever) but often opts out. But he comes to social events, hangs out with our synagogue friends, and really enjoys the people and the value added of the home it is for our kids. I learned early on not to put pressure on him, but to allow him to decide what his participation would look like on his own terms. We also celebrate the major holidays with my family (and invite his family when they are in town). Some of his extended family is obviously not Jewish, so we sometimes spend Christmas with them and the kids understand clearly that we are sharing in their traditions. It has worked out remarkably well for us
Anonymous
09/28/2022 14:23
Subject: Navigating an interfaith household
Take a look at the Interfaith Families Project of Greater Washington (https://iffp.org/) DH was raised Jewish, I was raised Catholic, and we found our people there. They have a Sunday school for the kids and weekly gatherings. They meet at the Charles Smith JCDS but in the cafeteria generally, not any sanctuary space (except for High Holy Days)
Anonymous
09/25/2022 17:35
Subject: Navigating an interfaith household
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Is this all about you?
Are you interested in being somewhat culturally involved in his familys cultural catholicism?
How is this an issue now
OP here. He is actively against catholicism, so no, that is not of interest to either of us...
DP. Your thread title says “interfaith” so what do you mean by that? Is your husband interested in being culturally Christian, with a tree etc? Catholicism is not the be-all-and-end-all in Christianity. Would you tolerate that?
I guess interfaith was a misnomer - he has no interest in Christianity, culturally or religiously.
You were correct in using it. Atheists definitely treat their lack of faith with the same fervor as religious people.
As someone who grew up in a semi-split home (same religion, different sects, waaaay different politics) just keep talking about it. Both of you be kind. Both of you be the kind of people who talk about your feelings and why you hold them. Just don’t make for angry silences.
This is not true of all people.
Anonymous
09/25/2022 17:33
Subject: Navigating an interfaith household
Anonymous wrote:We have a similar set up. I am culturally Jewish, husband was Christian, then Catholic. We don't do any religion in our home except Hanukkah when I remember and I get him a few Christmas gifts (and the kids). When my MIL was alive we'd have a tree to make her happy but since she passed we don't do the tree as I got tired of setting it up. If my husband wants it he can have it. Don't over think it. Its not a big deal.
Catholics are Christian
Anonymous
09/25/2022 16:58
Subject: Navigating an interfaith household
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Is this all about you?
Are you interested in being somewhat culturally involved in his familys cultural catholicism?
How is this an issue now
OP here. He is actively against catholicism, so no, that is not of interest to either of us...
DP. Your thread title says “interfaith” so what do you mean by that? Is your husband interested in being culturally Christian, with a tree etc? Catholicism is not the be-all-and-end-all in Christianity. Would you tolerate that?
I guess interfaith was a misnomer - he has no interest in Christianity, culturally or religiously.
You were correct in using it. Atheists definitely treat their lack of faith with the same fervor as religious people.
As someone who grew up in a semi-split home (same religion, different sects, waaaay different politics) just keep talking about it. Both of you be kind. Both of you be the kind of people who talk about your feelings and why you hold them. Just don’t make for angry silences.
Anonymous
09/25/2022 16:01
Subject: Re:Navigating an interfaith household
Anonymous wrote:I am not Jewish but another religion and my DH is agnostic. My religion is really important to me, and before we had children, DH agreed to raise our children in the religion. I attend weekly services with my children and DH joins at holidays and other important times. I went to services on my own before having children. This is very possible.
+1. I was raised Catholic but my siblings and I only went to church with my mom. Dad didn’t “do church” but went with us on Christmas, Easter, and for big events like first communions and confirmations. It never felt weird.