OP, you won't find a lot of estranged people here, but you'll find a lot of hate for it. If you want to talk in a community of others like you, check out the Out of the Fog Forum.

I am also estranged and have no stand-in. My mother was never a good mom to me and I don't know what it's like to have one so maybe that's why I've never sought one out. Also likely due to the abuse she put me through so I feel like I don't deserve one sub-consciously.

I’m estranged from my mom as well. I have a tendency to gravitate to women in their 60s and 70s - no doubt some subconscious result of never having a loving mother - but no one is a “stand in.” It sucks… but I much prefer no grandmother figure than someone doing real harm to my children.

I picked a therapist around my mom's age to get perspective from that side of things. So maybe she's kind of a stand in.

I am estranged and have no stand-in. I have always actually been afraid of older women ( of my mother's approximate age), my entire life. So I don't see that working out for me. I relate to your sense of loss and seeking of connection. I am just trying to do the best I can with the good relationships I have -- with friends and their families, and many of my relatives who are awesome. My kid sure does have a lot of people who love him.

The OP already explained that her mother cut her off and has not responded at all nicely to OP's attempts at reconciliation. Maybe actually read and don't ASSume, you monsters.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe being estranged isn't all you thought it would be. Contacting her might solve some of your problems.

Op here. I have. She sent the pictures i sent of my newborn back along with a hateful missive. There are other reasons we can’t be in touch but I have reached out to her, directly and via my brothers.

Why are you estranged and was it your decision?

Op here. Why does that matter?

One of my older friends sort of thought she was, yet I don't know. Maybe we were attracted to each other since they have a problem child and I have a problem mom?

You might think about the nannies and what you feel grateful for regarding their care of your child. I say this because, while my mother had mental issues, we were fortunate to have normal older women join our lives. I feel now that my children had all this love beaming their way. Just because my mom is blood doesn't mean having her around children is a good idea.

These days, my mom is medicated so things are a bit better, but it's late. She missed a lot of time developing relationships with the grandchildren, because she didn't want to get mental help, etc, etc. She put it off for a decade. Her choice.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe being estranged isn't all you thought it would be. Contacting her might solve some of your problems.

Op here. I have. She sent the pictures i sent of my newborn back along with a hateful missive. There are other reasons we can’t be in touch but I have reached out to her, directly and via my brothers.

Why are you estranged and was it your decision?

Anonymous wrote:My mother is deceased. I'm very close to my MIL. Do you have a MIL?

My MIL is deceased and also never met my children. They literally have no grandmother or auntie.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe being estranged isn't all you thought it would be. Contacting her might solve some of your problems.

Op here. I have. She sent the pictures i sent of my newborn back along with a hateful missive. There are other reasons we can’t be in touch but I have reached out to her, directly and via my brothers.

She's mad you cut her off?

To those arguing or about to argue with op about how she should mend fences — please don’t. It’s so hurtful. Let’s just assume it wasn’t because the mom didn’t like the daughters outfit and she’s doing it for her own protection or has no choice. Not everyone grew up behind white picket fences

My mother is deceased. I'm very close to my MIL. Do you have a MIL?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, my aunt (my mother’s SIL), who has not spoken to her in decades. She knows how my mother can be. It’s such a comfort.

This is just evil.

Np. It's not evil. You think people who are abused should just shut up and put up with it. We've all seen how that works out.

My guess is you're a bitter, nasty person and I'd bet you have been cut off or are on the verge of it.

Take your "respect your elders" crap and stuff it.

Wow, look who's bitter and nasty.

I am not estranged but hardly have a relationship with her. We visit each other occasionally out of obligation and when we see each other, we are warm enough and she gets on well with my daughter, but we can go many months without speaking and have gone years between visits. I come from a large family and she is just more concerned with some of my siblings and their children. Until about 10 years ago I would travel to her multiple times a year and put a lot of effort in, but then I realized how draining this was for me when she simply seemed disinterested in my life. So I stopped and now we are very distant.

I do wish I had a meaningful maternal figure in my life. My mom feels kind of like an aunt I'm friendly with. We don't fight, but we don't connect either. It just doesn't feel like she cares at all. The older I get the more I realize that it's never going to change and the more I wish it would. Life is so lonely without those kinds of connections.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, my aunt (my mother’s SIL), who has not spoken to her in decades. She knows how my mother can be. It’s such a comfort.

This is just evil.

Np. It's not evil. You think people who are abused should just shut up and put up with it. We've all seen how that works out.

My guess is you're a bitter, nasty person and I'd bet you have been cut off or are on the verge of it.

Take your "respect your elders" crap and stuff it.