Reviving this thread to ask you parents of teens how you helped them develop that self-motivation and executive functioning. I have a tween caught in a vicious cycle. Very high expectations for herself, but the day-to-day grind of studying or preparing for a test or sporting event is lacking because (let's face it) homework or practice isn't "fun". Result is she then sometimes falls short, e.g. with a bad test grade and is a hot mess of tears and sense of failure.

We keep trying to teach that a goal without a plan is just a wish, and to succeed the way she wants means those daily steps. We've tried to leave it up to her, but I don't think the executive functioning is there yet to be as organized and have the time management needed. We've tried to force it, restricting screen time and setting timers for her to sit down and do practice math problems or what have you. We've tried to remind her how good it feels when she does succeed and that she knows it takes the daily work.

What worked to develop that internal motivation that understands that to get to the finish line you have to do the work?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It all depends on the teen and how they receive the pushing and help.
Look a the tiger moms.

Who are the tiger moms?

You’re so derogatory

Who are the tiger moms? Ask the author of The Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The only message you’re sending your kid by not pushing them is that you don’t believe in them. In an age when they need reassurance and someone to believe in them, you don’t encourage them, and basically say there is nothing I can do for you.

Back your statement with proof. I think you are wrong. Not pushing doesn't mean you don't believe in them!

https://www.sheknows.com/parenting/articles/1018009/are-you-pushing-your-kids-too-hard-or-not-hard-enough/

If anything your article proves that pushing is good, but this is no proof, just a random article off the internet.

No one will ever be tiger woods or Elon musk by pushing, but they will be the best that they can be.

Pushing looks different for different kids. We work on weed control in our gardens, and you’re wanting to have people let their kids lose?

Anonymous wrote:No. You teach them to push themselves. Once they reach high school, it's up to them. I am here in the background, ready to assist. But finding the motivation to go to school, to listen, and to the do work and ace tests is on you, not me. I already did high school, and I did well because those things. Now it's your turn. I am not pushing you uphill for four years like a boulder.

That is the mesasge you send.

Did i write this in my sleep?

Anonymous wrote:The only message you’re sending your kid by not pushing them is that you don’t believe in them. In an age when they need reassurance and someone to believe in them, you don’t encourage them, and basically say there is nothing I can do for you.

Back your statement with proof. I think you are wrong. Not pushing doesn't mean you don't believe in them!

https://www.sheknows.com/parenting/articles/1018009/are-you-pushing-your-kids-too-hard-or-not-hard-enough/

Anonymous wrote:Life is long and measured by so many yardsticks. In the end, fulfillment is all that matters, as well as personal relationships. "Pushing" is shallow, striver-ish, and short-term. Acquaint yourself with the Harvard study on happiness for takeaways, none of which have to do with being pushed by parents. Consider why it's necessary to push.

Then Harvard should accept more happy people and less high achievers.

Life is long and measured by so many yardsticks. In the end, fulfillment is all that matters, as well as personal relationships. "Pushing" is shallow, striver-ish, and short-term. Acquaint yourself with the Harvard study on happiness for takeaways, none of which have to do with being pushed by parents. Consider why it's necessary to push.

Anonymous wrote:It all depends on the teen and how they receive the pushing and help.
Look a the tiger moms.

Who are the tiger moms?

You’re so derogatory

It all depends on the teen and how they receive the pushing and help.
Look a the tiger moms.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ha! For one of my kids, if I push her to do something, she typically will do the opposite. All her motivation to do something exits her body. What she needs to hear is "you have come so far, you are just fine no matter what you achieve, I am so proud of you."

This is in part because she is absolutely brilliant and so talented, and when somebody sees this, they say things like "you have so much potential, you can go so far, if you work hard someday you will become something great." That is a lot of pressure and can get overwhelming for her. From me, her mom, she needs something different.

What about your other kid?

He does best with some pushing.

He responds to it well (it doesn’t kill his motivation to do it), and asking him to do something eventually leads to him doing it on his own. He’s only 10 though so we will see how things go.

Let me tell you, it was not easy to figure this out. I was too pushy with my first kid at the beginning, and then not pushy enough with my second because of what happened with my first. Yet another reminder that parenting isn’t one size fits all.

How do you decide what your child’s potential is?

And why do you, the parent, get to decide it? Especially if your child is now a teen?

Serious questions.

My kids are both late teens and I’ve come to realize (through my own experiences as well as those of friends and family) that anyone who thinks they know the formula for raising successful teens without living with that specific teen (or possibly being their therapist) is just exercising their
own hubris. All teens/kids are not the same. Do what works for your kid and otherwise keep your mouth shut about other ppls kids

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is WAY more complicated than that. You don't push. You build internal motivation. And that is so much harder than "pushing." It includes letting them fail. Often. Which I think is anathema in the "push your kid" crowd.

+1. This.

+2
There is encouraging and supporting your kid to develop their skills and talents, but "pushing" them to constantly improve and achieve can end up replacing internal motivation with external motivation, and a sense that they require a lot of "pushing" to do anything or that they (or their parents) can't handle failure.

+3

Our lives, and DCs performance, improved dramatically overall once I figured out how to support and encourage without pushing. Sure there were missteps and even some massive failures in the beginning, but now I’ve got a kid who is learning to self motivate and who will be well prepared to go off to college where she’ll have no choice but to succeed or fail on her own.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is WAY more complicated than that. You don't push. You build internal motivation. And that is so much harder than "pushing." It includes letting them fail. Often. Which I think is anathema in the "push your kid" crowd.

+1. This.

+2
There is encouraging and supporting your kid to develop their skills and talents, but "pushing" them to constantly improve and achieve can end up replacing internal motivation with external motivation, and a sense that they require a lot of "pushing" to do anything or that they (or their parents) can't handle failure.

This again, so tiresome

Not all teens need pushing.
They have their own interest and passions, and parents are doing their best to help guide that energy.

Sorry you have to drag yours like this.