Anonymous
Post 09/19/2022 19:57     Subject: Re:Older woman couples, how are you doing in midlife?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I wish I had your libidos! I am 3 years older than DH and it's been a constant struggle with him wanting it always and me never. It's only getting worse as I approach 50. He has stopped initiating all together which is unfair but I also understand.



DP, not OP. Kind of a side note, so sorry to OP! But to the PP: Are you already in menopause? I'm asking because I'm wondering if you're still on birth control--? Or have been on it for a long time? I've posted about this before, but hormonal BC - miracle that it is, no doubt! -- can crush libido in some women. And ob/gyns very often do not discuss that aspect of the pill and other hormonal BC. If you've been on it for a long time, that might be part of the "constant struggle" over years. I am NOT saying it's the only reason but it's one thing that I have surprisingly found many women have never been told, or not told clearly enough--that it can suppress libido. Not everyone, but more of us than I think realize it. It absolutely affected my libido for years, once I went off the pill, my libido greatly increased. Nothing to do with age differences (and PP, three years is nothing at all). Just something to consider. (Also, I found it was a myth that "every" woman loses interest in sex at menopause as DCUM likes to claim - menopause was the best thing that ever happened to our sex life, frankly.)

The fact your DH has stopped initiating altogehter should be worrying, yet you sound resigned to it. BC issues aside, Have you and he talked about his no longer initiating and how you and he can work together to restore sex to the marriage? Scheduling sex, using toys or changing up your foreplay, women's testosterone therapy (look it up re: Mayo Clinic), seeing a sex therapist, getting a good physical checkup, most of all being open about how to work on this? You don't have to be resigned to this. It may feel like a huge relief to you for him not to be initiating any more -- but it will affect you both emotionally, eventually. Not criticizing you, OP! Just saying it's concerning if you and he aren't communcating about the issue and aren't coming up with ways to work on it as a couple, together.


Thanks for responding

I went off BC years ago, made no difference. We scheduled sex once a week but then he'd be upset if I wasnt into it which I wasn't but he couldn't handle having a partner who just wanted to make him happy. Which I get but I can't help it. I think I am just not wired for monogamy.

Yes, I know no sex is a problem but I can't make him initiate and frankly I am fine with things. I am not in menopause yet.

I guess I don't know what your secret sauce is. We have a functional marriage but it's not remotely passionate and he's given up. I guess I dream that if I married someone 5-10 years older, he'd be pushing 60 and the lack of sex would be more normal


You say you're not wired for monogamy but also that you're fine with the way things are (a se less marriage?). What do you actually mean?


I mean that I have no desire for him at all even though he is literally tall, dark and handsome and successful. I imagine if I divorce I would regain my libido. I don't know how other women find desire to have sex with the same person for years. It doesn't feel normal to me. It also doesn't help he looks young for his age and I don't.
Anonymous
Post 09/19/2022 19:56     Subject: Older woman couples, how are you doing in midlife?
Hi OP, we are close in age but my 53 yo DH & I (52) have a great sex life & it is freeing to have the house empty of kids! Maybe you won't have a big drop in libido, and even if you do, sounds like you will be open to remedies. GL!
Anonymous
Post 09/19/2022 19:00     Subject: Re:Older woman couples, how are you doing in midlife?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I wish I had your libidos! I am 3 years older than DH and it's been a constant struggle with him wanting it always and me never. It's only getting worse as I approach 50. He has stopped initiating all together which is unfair but I also understand.



DP, not OP. Kind of a side note, so sorry to OP! But to the PP: Are you already in menopause? I'm asking because I'm wondering if you're still on birth control--? Or have been on it for a long time? I've posted about this before, but hormonal BC - miracle that it is, no doubt! -- can crush libido in some women. And ob/gyns very often do not discuss that aspect of the pill and other hormonal BC. If you've been on it for a long time, that might be part of the "constant struggle" over years. I am NOT saying it's the only reason but it's one thing that I have surprisingly found many women have never been told, or not told clearly enough--that it can suppress libido. Not everyone, but more of us than I think realize it. It absolutely affected my libido for years, once I went off the pill, my libido greatly increased. Nothing to do with age differences (and PP, three years is nothing at all). Just something to consider. (Also, I found it was a myth that "every" woman loses interest in sex at menopause as DCUM likes to claim - menopause was the best thing that ever happened to our sex life, frankly.)

The fact your DH has stopped initiating altogehter should be worrying, yet you sound resigned to it. BC issues aside, Have you and he talked about his no longer initiating and how you and he can work together to restore sex to the marriage? Scheduling sex, using toys or changing up your foreplay, women's testosterone therapy (look it up re: Mayo Clinic), seeing a sex therapist, getting a good physical checkup, most of all being open about how to work on this? You don't have to be resigned to this. It may feel like a huge relief to you for him not to be initiating any more -- but it will affect you both emotionally, eventually. Not criticizing you, OP! Just saying it's concerning if you and he aren't communcating about the issue and aren't coming up with ways to work on it as a couple, together.


Thanks for responding

I went off BC years ago, made no difference. We scheduled sex once a week but then he'd be upset if I wasnt into it which I wasn't but he couldn't handle having a partner who just wanted to make him happy. Which I get but I can't help it. I think I am just not wired for monogamy.

Yes, I know no sex is a problem but I can't make him initiate and frankly I am fine with things. I am not in menopause yet.

I guess I don't know what your secret sauce is. We have a functional marriage but it's not remotely passionate and he's given up. I guess I dream that if I married someone 5-10 years older, he'd be pushing 60 and the lack of sex would be more normal


You say you're not wired for monogamy but also that you're fine with the way things are (a se less marriage?). What do you actually mean?
Anonymous
Post 09/19/2022 18:21     Subject: Re:Older woman couples, how are you doing in midlife?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I wish I had your libidos! I am 3 years older than DH and it's been a constant struggle with him wanting it always and me never. It's only getting worse as I approach 50. He has stopped initiating all together which is unfair but I also understand.



DP, not OP. Kind of a side note, so sorry to OP! But to the PP: Are you already in menopause? I'm asking because I'm wondering if you're still on birth control--? Or have been on it for a long time? I've posted about this before, but hormonal BC - miracle that it is, no doubt! -- can crush libido in some women. And ob/gyns very often do not discuss that aspect of the pill and other hormonal BC. If you've been on it for a long time, that might be part of the "constant struggle" over years. I am NOT saying it's the only reason but it's one thing that I have surprisingly found many women have never been told, or not told clearly enough--that it can suppress libido. Not everyone, but more of us than I think realize it. It absolutely affected my libido for years, once I went off the pill, my libido greatly increased. Nothing to do with age differences (and PP, three years is nothing at all). Just something to consider. (Also, I found it was a myth that "every" woman loses interest in sex at menopause as DCUM likes to claim - menopause was the best thing that ever happened to our sex life, frankly.)

The fact your DH has stopped initiating altogehter should be worrying, yet you sound resigned to it. BC issues aside, Have you and he talked about his no longer initiating and how you and he can work together to restore sex to the marriage? Scheduling sex, using toys or changing up your foreplay, women's testosterone therapy (look it up re: Mayo Clinic), seeing a sex therapist, getting a good physical checkup, most of all being open about how to work on this? You don't have to be resigned to this. It may feel like a huge relief to you for him not to be initiating any more -- but it will affect you both emotionally, eventually. Not criticizing you, OP! Just saying it's concerning if you and he aren't communcating about the issue and aren't coming up with ways to work on it as a couple, together.


Thanks for responding

I went off BC years ago, made no difference. We scheduled sex once a week but then he'd be upset if I wasnt into it which I wasn't but he couldn't handle having a partner who just wanted to make him happy. Which I get but I can't help it. I think I am just not wired for monogamy.

Yes, I know no sex is a problem but I can't make him initiate and frankly I am fine with things. I am not in menopause yet.

I guess I don't know what your secret sauce is. We have a functional marriage but it's not remotely passionate and he's given up. I guess I dream that if I married someone 5-10 years older, he'd be pushing 60 and the lack of sex would be more normal
Anonymous
Post 09/19/2022 17:02     Subject: Older woman couples, how are you doing in midlife?
I'm 49, DH is 40. Still have great sex, though less frequent than 15 years ago. We have two tweens or else we'd probably have more energy.
Anonymous
Post 09/19/2022 15:26     Subject: Older woman couples, how are you doing in midlife?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I'm 45, DH is 39, we are doing great right now. I've always had a high drive and we're a good match in bed. I worry a bit about what happens when I'm 50 and he's 44 etc. Any words of advice or encouragement?


How long have you been married? In my opinion, resentment, repressed anger and the contempt that familiarity brings are bigger contributors to diminished libido than plummeting estrogen levels.


12 years, 15 together, nothing repressed here so far
Anonymous
Post 09/19/2022 15:22     Subject: Older woman couples, how are you doing in midlife?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I'm 45, DH is 39, we are doing great right now. I've always had a high drive and we're a good match in bed. I worry a bit about what happens when I'm 50 and he's 44 etc. Any words of advice or encouragement?


How long have you been married? In my opinion, resentment, repressed anger and the contempt that familiarity brings are bigger contributors to diminished libido than plummeting estrogen levels.


Why familiarity brings anger and contempt?
Anonymous
Post 09/19/2022 15:18     Subject: Older woman couples, how are you doing in midlife?
Anonymous wrote:I'm 45, DH is 39, we are doing great right now. I've always had a high drive and we're a good match in bed. I worry a bit about what happens when I'm 50 and he's 44 etc. Any words of advice or encouragement?


How long have you been married? In my opinion, resentment, repressed anger and the contempt that familiarity brings are bigger contributors to diminished libido than plummeting estrogen levels.
Anonymous
Post 09/19/2022 15:14     Subject: Older woman couples, how are you doing in midlife?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I am 52 and DH is 46. Sometimes I want more and sometimes DH wants more. It has been varying but overall we are pretty happy.

Someone recently commented how tall my son was, pointing to my DH. I did not say anything. A little later DH comes over and gives me a peck on my lips.


That is a ridiculous comment that this person made! Jealous, for sure. I know 6 years is not nothing, but it's also not a huge difference.

And thanks for sharing, good to know and keep rocking it.
-OP


Six years IS nothing but…

A young 46 could pass for 40. An old 52 could pass for 60.

This goes for either gender.


I think men mainly attribute "motherly" look to women based on their weight. Men can't generally infer women's age by her face: if a 52 y.o. woman looks old to me as a female, but is thin, my husband would still think she's 35. To the opposite, if she's young (40 y.o.) but heavy, he would think she's 60 y.o.

I am very thin 42 y.o. and when I go out with my 18 y.o. son, waiters often ask if we need one check or separate:0)
Anonymous
Post 09/19/2022 15:10     Subject: Older woman couples, how are you doing in midlife?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I am 52 and DH is 46. Sometimes I want more and sometimes DH wants more. It has been varying but overall we are pretty happy.

Someone recently commented how tall my son was, pointing to my DH. I did not say anything. A little later DH comes over and gives me a peck on my lips.


That is a ridiculous comment that this person made! Jealous, for sure. I know 6 years is not nothing, but it's also not a huge difference.

And thanks for sharing, good to know and keep rocking it.
-OP


I get this more than a few times so I am used to it. Another time is when we were taking the airport shuttle and both DH and I were picking up our bags which are a bit heavy and one person told DH to "help your mom get the bag".


Wow, does your DH look much younger than his age? I am much smaller physically than DH so this has never happened (yet?).
Anonymous
Post 09/19/2022 15:06     Subject: Older woman couples, how are you doing in midlife?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I am 52 and DH is 46. Sometimes I want more and sometimes DH wants more. It has been varying but overall we are pretty happy.

Someone recently commented how tall my son was, pointing to my DH. I did not say anything. A little later DH comes over and gives me a peck on my lips.


That is a ridiculous comment that this person made! Jealous, for sure. I know 6 years is not nothing, but it's also not a huge difference.

And thanks for sharing, good to know and keep rocking it.
-OP


I get this more than a few times so I am used to it. Another time is when we were taking the airport shuttle and both DH and I were picking up our bags which are a bit heavy and one person told DH to "help your mom get the bag".
Anonymous
Post 09/19/2022 14:31     Subject: Older woman couples, how are you doing in midlife?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I am 52 and DH is 46. Sometimes I want more and sometimes DH wants more. It has been varying but overall we are pretty happy.

Someone recently commented how tall my son was, pointing to my DH. I did not say anything. A little later DH comes over and gives me a peck on my lips.


That is a ridiculous comment that this person made! Jealous, for sure. I know 6 years is not nothing, but it's also not a huge difference.

And thanks for sharing, good to know and keep rocking it.
-OP


Six years IS nothing but…

A young 46 could pass for 40. An old 52 could pass for 60.

This goes for either gender.
Anonymous
Post 09/19/2022 13:56     Subject: Re:Older woman couples, how are you doing in midlife?
Anonymous wrote:I wish I had your libidos! I am 3 years older than DH and it's been a constant struggle with him wanting it always and me never. It's only getting worse as I approach 50. He has stopped initiating all together which is unfair but I also understand.



DP, not OP. Kind of a side note, so sorry to OP! But to the PP: Are you already in menopause? I'm asking because I'm wondering if you're still on birth control--? Or have been on it for a long time? I've posted about this before, but hormonal BC - miracle that it is, no doubt! -- can crush libido in some women. And ob/gyns very often do not discuss that aspect of the pill and other hormonal BC. If you've been on it for a long time, that might be part of the "constant struggle" over years. I am NOT saying it's the only reason but it's one thing that I have surprisingly found many women have never been told, or not told clearly enough--that it can suppress libido. Not everyone, but more of us than I think realize it. It absolutely affected my libido for years, once I went off the pill, my libido greatly increased. Nothing to do with age differences (and PP, three years is nothing at all). Just something to consider. (Also, I found it was a myth that "every" woman loses interest in sex at menopause as DCUM likes to claim - menopause was the best thing that ever happened to our sex life, frankly.)

The fact your DH has stopped initiating altogehter should be worrying, yet you sound resigned to it. BC issues aside, Have you and he talked about his no longer initiating and how you and he can work together to restore sex to the marriage? Scheduling sex, using toys or changing up your foreplay, women's testosterone therapy (look it up re: Mayo Clinic), seeing a sex therapist, getting a good physical checkup, most of all being open about how to work on this? You don't have to be resigned to this. It may feel like a huge relief to you for him not to be initiating any more -- but it will affect you both emotionally, eventually. Not criticizing you, OP! Just saying it's concerning if you and he aren't communcating about the issue and aren't coming up with ways to work on it as a couple, together.
Anonymous
Post 09/19/2022 13:26     Subject: Older woman couples, how are you doing in midlife?
Anonymous wrote:I am 52 and DH is 46. Sometimes I want more and sometimes DH wants more. It has been varying but overall we are pretty happy.

Someone recently commented how tall my son was, pointing to my DH. I did not say anything. A little later DH comes over and gives me a peck on my lips.


That is a ridiculous comment that this person made! Jealous, for sure. I know 6 years is not nothing, but it's also not a huge difference.

And thanks for sharing, good to know and keep rocking it.
-OP
Anonymous
Post 09/19/2022 12:42     Subject: Older woman couples, how are you doing in midlife?
I am 52 and DH is 46. Sometimes I want more and sometimes DH wants more. It has been varying but overall we are pretty happy.

Someone recently commented how tall my son was, pointing to my DH. I did not say anything. A little later DH comes over and gives me a peck on my lips.