DH and I had this discussion. He didn't seem to think it was a big deal. I have since made him see why it is.

When we are both working from home and the kids are gone at school, I don’t always tell him I’m leaving - in case he’s on a call or deep in a project. If the kids were home we would be in communication about our whereabouts.

I think this is just common decency. Trying to work with my teenager on this tomorrow.

My parents still tell each other when they’re going out and they haven’t had kids at home for 20 years!

I don't always tell him because sometimes he is far away from the door and I forget to text him to let him know I'm going. But when he says "oh I didn't know you left" I'd never tell him I'm a big girl and can do what I want. That sounds crazy immature.

I'd never do it if there were little kids at home and he needed to be aware that I didn't have them handled. That is irresponsible parenting.

I don't say anything if I'm going into the yard or garage or something on our property. I did when our kids were walking and needed constant supervision though. If I'm even just going halfway down the block I say so - it's not about getting permission but about showing respect for someone who cares about and loves you.

Your husband is a giant tool shed damn

Anonymous wrote:Ask if he is ok with you taking the same approach. That at any given time you may or may not be at home with the kids, and you may or may not give him a heads up when heading out.

I did say this and he understood the situation better. He was actually getting my car inspected. I think he felt like I was attacking him so he responded the way that he did.

I often say quickly if I’m leaving for an hour. It isn’t asking permission.

Ask if he is ok with you taking the same approach. That at any given time you may or may not be at home with the kids, and you may or may not give him a heads up when heading out.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes. And I’d be pissed about the attempt to gaslight you with that defensive response. You did nothing wrong.

I agree he should tell her when he leaves the house, and his response was petulant and self-important. But it wasn’t gaslighting. Gaslighting would be lying about where he was and/or making her think she is misremembering. If he had said “What are you talking about? I was in the back yard the whole time. How did you miss me?” or “Don’t you remember? I told you I was going to get the car inspected.” Those are examples of gas lighting. Her DH is just being a jerk and acting like she shouldn’t be keeping tabs on him.

It’s also gaslighting when he’s challenging her reaction as if she has no grounds to be upset and question his leaving without communication. He’s putting it back on her as if she is in the wrong for even asking.

“Actually Bob, I don’t think you’re a child. You’re a grown man whose made a decision to be part of this family. As such, you gain things and you give up things. There is a price for everything. One of the things you give up is the ability to come and go as you please without communicating. It’s the price you pay for having a family that loves and adores you. All the good and less good parts of you. We simply love you and want to be a family with you. If you want to live the life of a college student who comes and goes to his dorm as he pleases and not be a part of this family, then we need to have a different discussion. Is that a conversation you want to have?”

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have kids?

No, I don't always tell him, nor does he tell me if we are just running out for an errand. If there are kid responsibilities involved, that is a little different.

We have 3 kids. Kids are a little older now. Youngest is 5 and I am home.

I think Dh thought since I didn’t neeed him for childcare that he no longer has to tell me when he is leaving the house???

I’m pretty sure he would not feel the same way if I just left the house to go work out and didn’t tell him before I left. I think I will try it and see how he reacts.

You still need him for childcare. Both of you cant be gone at the same time. I get annoyed when DH decides to go his office and check somethibg for an hour without telling me.

Anonymous wrote:Yes. And I’d be pissed about the attempt to gaslight you with that defensive response. You did nothing wrong.

I agree he should tell her when he leaves the house, and his response was petulant and self-important. But it wasn’t gaslighting. Gaslighting would be lying about where he was and/or making her think she is misremembering. If he had said “What are you talking about? I was in the back yard the whole time. How did you miss me?” or “Don’t you remember? I told you I was going to get the car inspected.” Those are examples of gas lighting. Her DH is just being a jerk and acting like she shouldn’t be keeping tabs on him.

It’s common courtesy to tell anyone who’s house you share that you’re leaving

I think his reaction is strange and I wouldn’t be ok with a husband who just took off without saying goodbye first. I don’t need to know exactly where he is - I could always track his phone if need be - but we say goodbye to each other and give a heads up, especially because there are kids and pets involved.