Anonymous wrote:My family is pretty local, but I usually tell my parents what we're doing on the weekend so they can join if they'd like. "Hey mom and dad, we're hanging at the pool on Saturday and then a festival on Sunday if you'd like to join?"

Same.

Anonymous wrote:Maybe when other family members call or text to make plans, let you mom know that brother and family are coming over, let me know if you want to join us. If she doesn’t come, at least can’t say she hasn’t been asked.

+1 A lot of this is just common sense, OP. I don't presume that my kids grandparents (from both sides of the family) can read our minds that we want them to come over. I call them all (because none of them are great texters, unfortunately). I would MUCH rather take 10 minutes to call both sets of grandparents than have them miss an opportunity to engage with my children and my family. It seems little enough to do for the people who love me, my husband and our kids unconditionally.

My family is pretty local, but I usually tell my parents what we're doing on the weekend so they can join if they'd like. "Hey mom and dad, we're hanging at the pool on Saturday and then a festival on Sunday if you'd like to join?"

Maybe when other family members call or text to make plans, let you mom know that brother and family are coming over, let me know if you want to join us. If she doesn’t come, at least can’t say she hasn’t been asked.

We have not done this with my side or either of DH’s, his parents are divorced. DH and I have been married 25 years and it’s been the opposite. They tell us when they are coming and there are times over our dating and married lives we have had to stand up and say no because we have had other plans. We haven’t lived locally so sometimes they announcement would be them staying with us.

Now that they are older, we wish they could come more. DH’s parents can’t travel anymore. Just recently my parents booked a trip to see us and forgot to tell us and then casually mentioned to me on the phone the reservations were already made.

Yes, we invite family and friends over via text. Like other PPs have suggested, it's not super formal but the text is necessary otherwise people don't think to stop over - particularly if they're 2 hrs away. My MIL is 1 hr away and we always coordinate via text with the family.

I think the issue with your mother goes both ways. You should definitely have reached out to them at least a few times to say hey and invite them over but perhaps she could've asked you to do the same.

I do always coordinate, though. I don't want to drive out of my way to find an empty house - which could very well be the case these days!!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s really weird that your family culture makes everyone basically invite themselves to everything. I would totally text my parents and at, “we plan to hang out at the pool Saturday afternoon and cook burgers - want to come?”

How hard would that be? You mom is basically asking you to make a small gesture that they are welcome at your house. Grandparents often don’t want to intrude.

OP here. I totally get this and if this was our family culture all along that would be fine. The bigger issue is that this is out of the blue.

Of course if I did text my mom to say come join us we are swimming and going to grill I would get her usual excuses: it’s too far, they get really tired when they drive all this way to our house, she’d rather be home and we visit her, etc. In my mom’s mind it’s always the “kids” visiting the parents, not the other way around. I once suggested hosting thanksgiving for everyone and was met with “no way, I would rather everyone come here, it’s easier” responses.

NP here. We must have the same mother. Every single time I would invite my mother to come, she would either cancel at the last minute, decline because she is too busy or come and leave within an hour to "avoid traffic". Too much disappointment and hurt feelings, so I stopped. My mother is welcome at my house anytime, but she still never comes. Ever.

OP again. I thought I wrote this for a second. Once she canceled at the last minute and I found out it was because she was mad at me for things she has never mentioned before that she’s been keeping to herself for several years. It was ridiculous.

Again, as I said in my original post, I wasn’t asking if I was doing the right thing, because my mom is a special situation. I was just curious what normal families do.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s really weird that your family culture makes everyone basically invite themselves to everything. I would totally text my parents and at, “we plan to hang out at the pool Saturday afternoon and cook burgers - want to come?”

How hard would that be? You mom is basically asking you to make a small gesture that they are welcome at your house. Grandparents often don’t want to intrude.

OP here. I totally get this and if this was our family culture all along that would be fine. The bigger issue is that this is out of the blue.

Of course if I did text my mom to say come join us we are swimming and going to grill I would get her usual excuses: it’s too far, they get really tired when they drive all this way to our house, she’d rather be home and we visit her, etc. In my mom’s mind it’s always the “kids” visiting the parents, not the other way around. I once suggested hosting thanksgiving for everyone and was met with “no way, I would rather everyone come here, it’s easier” responses.

Yes, but if you'd done it at least once, then you'd be off the hook right now. "Mom, I did invite you over and you said you were too tired!"

Wait. What? So if she was legitimately exhausted, you wouldn't give her a pass and issue another invitation? That's harsh. Some of you sound like you were raised by wolves. Sheesh.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s really weird that your family culture makes everyone basically invite themselves to everything. I would totally text my parents and at, “we plan to hang out at the pool Saturday afternoon and cook burgers - want to come?”

How hard would that be? You mom is basically asking you to make a small gesture that they are welcome at your house. Grandparents often don’t want to intrude.

OP here. I totally get this and if this was our family culture all along that would be fine. The bigger issue is that this is out of the blue.

Of course if I did text my mom to say come join us we are swimming and going to grill I would get her usual excuses: it’s too far, they get really tired when they drive all this way to our house, she’d rather be home and we visit her, etc. In my mom’s mind it’s always the “kids” visiting the parents, not the other way around. I once suggested hosting thanksgiving for everyone and was met with “no way, I would rather everyone come here, it’s easier” responses.

NP here. We must have the same mother. Every single time I would invite my mother to come, she would either cancel at the last minute, decline because she is too busy or come and leave within an hour to "avoid traffic". Too much disappointment and hurt feelings, so I stopped. My mother is welcome at my house anytime, but she still never comes. Ever.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s really weird that your family culture makes everyone basically invite themselves to everything. I would totally text my parents and at, “we plan to hang out at the pool Saturday afternoon and cook burgers - want to come?”

How hard would that be? You mom is basically asking you to make a small gesture that they are welcome at your house. Grandparents often don’t want to intrude.

OP here. I totally get this and if this was our family culture all along that would be fine. The bigger issue is that this is out of the blue.

Of course if I did text my mom to say come join us we are swimming and going to grill I would get her usual excuses: it’s too far, they get really tired when they drive all this way to our house, she’d rather be home and we visit her, etc. In my mom’s mind it’s always the “kids” visiting the parents, not the other way around. I once suggested hosting thanksgiving for everyone and was met with “no way, I would rather everyone come here, it’s easier” responses.

Yes, but if you'd done it at least once, then you'd be off the hook right now. "Mom, I did invite you over and you said you were too tired!"

OP, I don't think you need to cave to your mother's whims here.

But I also think your way of making plans is not the norm. Yes, sometimes there are very informal texts like "hey we'd love to visit this day, are you free?" But we also text something like "hey, I'd love to get together in the next few weeks, let's work something out". The main difference being one way you are asking about only one day, the other, you are making a joint plan together.

To me, a formal invite is a written invitation with an RSVP card. So no, we don't "formally invite" the parents. We do call or text and invite them to recitals, to hang out with us for the day, to go on a weekend adventure we think they'd like, etc.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s really weird that your family culture makes everyone basically invite themselves to everything. I would totally text my parents and at, “we plan to hang out at the pool Saturday afternoon and cook burgers - want to come?”

How hard would that be? You mom is basically asking you to make a small gesture that they are welcome at your house. Grandparents often don’t want to intrude.

OP here. I totally get this and if this was our family culture all along that would be fine. The bigger issue is that this is out of the blue.

Of course if I did text my mom to say come join us we are swimming and going to grill I would get her usual excuses: it’s too far, they get really tired when they drive all this way to our house, she’d rather be home and we visit her, etc. In my mom’s mind it’s always the “kids” visiting the parents, not the other way around. I once suggested hosting thanksgiving for everyone and was met with “no way, I would rather everyone come here, it’s easier” responses.

Family culture can change. It sounds like she realizes you find her to be a pain in the ass and wants to feel that you want her to visit, instead of just her deciding to visit. It’s not fair to say “I’m not inviting because she’ll just say xyz” without giving her the chance to do so. Now you know she’d like an invitation, so do that. It’s ok if she says no, you’ll know that you did your part.