Anonymous
09/13/2022 12:51
Subject: Moving out after deciding on separation
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:PP here. I was separated for 2 years in the same house. Divorce took that long. COVID hit as divorce as final. I stayed in the house until I found a house to buy. That was another 18 months. So, yes, I was in the house even after the divorce.
You do not have to move to be separated. You can figure out permanent housing and then move. Or sell the house and both move.
OP here. Did you have kids? I know VA has strict laws regarding being separated under the same roof. Did you follow all of them for two years? That's a long time. How did you handle bills, etc? Separate accounts?
Yes. I have kids. Yes, we followed all of the rules. Yes, we had separate accounts. No, it was not hard. We had been living like that a long time. Our huge was huge and that helped. We were rarely home at the same time. It was not hard. Also, as long as you agree you are separated and have someone sign an affadavit that you are living separate in the same house, no one questions anything. It is all paperwork.
One thing I learned in my divorce is that you can agree to anything you want and no one will question you if that PSA is signed. No one cares about your divorce. People seem to think a judge will care about x, y, z. If there is signed paperwork submitted, there are no questions asked. I wish I had known that to begin with rather than giving myself anxiety about it.
OP here.
Your responses are very helpful. Thank you. How did you do dinner with the kids? Since financials were separate how did paying for the house, utilities, etc go? Appreciate your feedback. I'm reading all these articles and laws about how in Virginia in-house separation is very strict (no dinners together, cannot use each other's food, no family time together, etc). Seems very difficult living under the same roof.
All you need, really, is an affidavit from someone who will swear to having seen the separate living spaces, etc. It used to be that person had to go to court but now just an affidavit will suffice.
We were separated in the house for about 8 months. It sucked. Lived in separate parts of the home, barely interacted. It was completely traumatizing for the kids and we are both suffering the effects of that four years later as they become older teenagers and the way this messed them up has become more clear. It’s heartbreaking. The only solace is that forcing a relationship for their sake was worse.
It will be expensive. It just is. There’s no sugarcoating it. It will be financially devastating at first. But you can recover.
Good luck.
Anonymous
09/13/2022 12:46
Subject: Moving out after deciding on separation
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for the informative responses. We are fairly amicable which makes this slightly easier. However, we do want to move forward with the separation. Finding a rental near our kid's school is $3000-$4000/mo. This will be an expensive ordeal. Read in a few places people will move into a hotel for a week or two as things are figured out.
You can start your separation while still in the home. Why would you need to move to a hotel first? Have you never gotten an apartment on your own before? If you can't afford to move close to the children's school then you may need to either transfer them to another school or apply for special permissions so they can attend the same school while you live out of the school zone.
We want to keep the kids in the same school so for both of us to have custody we need to be within the school district (or at least driving range). Not going to uproot our kids and a judge isn't going to find that kindly either.
To keep the kids in the same district, only one custodial parent needs to live in the district.
Yes, but then the parent who is not in the district will not get 50% custody. Or, the other spouse can argue against it. A couple down the street from me went through this. The husband stayed in the district and the wife ended up moving 45 minutes away. She lost 50/50 custody.
I have two friends who lived in DC and had a kid in DCPS. They decided to separate and one of them moved out and bought a house in PG county (could not afford in DC), other spouse got house in DC. Kid stayed in DCPS, spent half time with one parent half time with other parent snd they both have 50/50 custody to this day (seoaeated/ divorced) for 5 years now. I don’t know the details of the law but based on my friend experience what you say does not seem right
Look up or speak with any divorce attorney in VA. If two parents are fighting over custody, the judge ALWAYS sides with that is best for the children. If one parent is living far way and not able to give the children a "normal" life they have less chance of 50/50 custody. In your example it's clear both parents are able to pick up and drop off their kids without issue. But, for most parents this isn't always possible due to rush hour in the DC area. It comes down to if the parents are able to accommodate and WILLING TO share custody.
Anonymous
09/13/2022 12:44
Subject: Moving out after deciding on separation
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:PP here. I was separated for 2 years in the same house. Divorce took that long. COVID hit as divorce as final. I stayed in the house until I found a house to buy. That was another 18 months. So, yes, I was in the house even after the divorce.
You do not have to move to be separated. You can figure out permanent housing and then move. Or sell the house and both move.
OP here. Did you have kids? I know VA has strict laws regarding being separated under the same roof. Did you follow all of them for two years? That's a long time. How did you handle bills, etc? Separate accounts?
Yes. I have kids. Yes, we followed all of the rules. Yes, we had separate accounts. No, it was not hard. We had been living like that a long time. Our huge was huge and that helped. We were rarely home at the same time. It was not hard. Also, as long as you agree you are separated and have someone sign an affadavit that you are living separate in the same house, no one questions anything. It is all paperwork.
One thing I learned in my divorce is that you can agree to anything you want and no one will question you if that PSA is signed. No one cares about your divorce. People seem to think a judge will care about x, y, z. If there is signed paperwork submitted, there are no questions asked. I wish I had known that to begin with rather than giving myself anxiety about it.
OP here.
Your responses are very helpful. Thank you. How did you do dinner with the kids? Since financials were separate how did paying for the house, utilities, etc go? Appreciate your feedback. I'm reading all these articles and laws about how in Virginia in-house separation is very strict (no dinners together, cannot use each other's food, no family time together, etc). Seems very difficult living under the same roof.
Anonymous
09/13/2022 08:02
Subject: Moving out after deciding on separation
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for the informative responses. We are fairly amicable which makes this slightly easier. However, we do want to move forward with the separation. Finding a rental near our kid's school is $3000-$4000/mo. This will be an expensive ordeal. Read in a few places people will move into a hotel for a week or two as things are figured out.
You can start your separation while still in the home. Why would you need to move to a hotel first? Have you never gotten an apartment on your own before? If you can't afford to move close to the children's school then you may need to either transfer them to another school or apply for special permissions so they can attend the same school while you live out of the school zone.
We want to keep the kids in the same school so for both of us to have custody we need to be within the school district (or at least driving range). Not going to uproot our kids and a judge isn't going to find that kindly either.
To keep the kids in the same district, only one custodial parent needs to live in the district.
Yes, but then the parent who is not in the district will not get 50% custody. Or, the other spouse can argue against it. A couple down the street from me went through this. The husband stayed in the district and the wife ended up moving 45 minutes away. She lost 50/50 custody.
I have two friends who lived in DC and had a kid in DCPS. They decided to separate and one of them moved out and bought a house in PG county (could not afford in DC), other spouse got house in DC. Kid stayed in DCPS, spent half time with one parent half time with other parent snd they both have 50/50 custody to this day (seoaeated/ divorced) for 5 years now. I don’t know the details of the law but based on my friend experience what you say does not seem right
Anonymous
09/12/2022 22:52
Subject: Re:Moving out after deciding on separation
Anonymous wrote:OP, you need to go have a consultation with a lawyer. A lot of your ideas regarding separation and custody issues in Virginia are incorrect.
+1
Anonymous
09/12/2022 22:51
Subject: Moving out after deciding on separation
Anonymous wrote:Also, anything can be agreed to. Most divorces do not end up in a courtroom (only 5% do). You can work it all out with paperwork with a mediator or with two attorneys. Once you get a court involved, you can lose control. Agree to 50/50 custody and 50/50 assets and no reason to fight.
PP here who posted about long in-home separation. Ex is an attorney. Our priority was not wasting money on attorneys and keeping it out of court. Work out an agreement, sign, and file for divorce. It is not that hard. People make it harder than it is and divorce attorneys profit from it.
+1
Anonymous
09/12/2022 22:50
Subject: Moving out after deciding on separation
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for the informative responses. We are fairly amicable which makes this slightly easier. However, we do want to move forward with the separation. Finding a rental near our kid's school is $3000-$4000/mo. This will be an expensive ordeal. Read in a few places people will move into a hotel for a week or two as things are figured out.
You can start your separation while still in the home. Why would you need to move to a hotel first? Have you never gotten an apartment on your own before? If you can't afford to move close to the children's school then you may need to either transfer them to another school or apply for special permissions so they can attend the same school while you live out of the school zone.
We want to keep the kids in the same school so for both of us to have custody we need to be within the school district (or at least driving range). Not going to uproot our kids and a judge isn't going to find that kindly either.
To keep the kids in the same district, only one custodial parent needs to live in the district.
Yes, but then the parent who is not in the district will not get 50% custody. Or, the other spouse can argue against it. A couple down the street from me went through this. The husband stayed in the district and the wife ended up moving 45 minutes away. She lost 50/50 custody.
I'm in VA, we have joint custody. My ex-h lives 45 mins away. A friend lives in DC and her ex lives in MD, they have 50/50.
Also, what OP said about judges not taking kindly to the kids transferring school isn't necessarily true. If the divorce is amicable, judges don't care what your decision is. They'd much rather stay out of it and let the parents come to their own agreements.
Anonymous
09/12/2022 19:58
Subject: Re:Moving out after deciding on separation
Anonymous wrote:OP, you need to go have a consultation with a lawyer. A lot of your ideas regarding separation and custody issues in Virginia are incorrect.
PP here. Yes, she should get a consult. But she does not have to go in fighting guns blazing. That will cost you. Get a consult to know what you are entitled to and then figure out a fair agreement using mediation, or two attorneys but try to avoid litigation.
Keep in mind...most people can't afford to have one party keep the house. They need to buy the other person out of their half of the equity or agree to something otherwise. Most men end up keeping the house now since they are higher earners. If both incomes are needed to support the marital house, most people have to sell and downsize. Run the math on what you can afford.
Anonymous
09/12/2022 19:52
Subject: Re:Moving out after deciding on separation
OP, you need to go have a consultation with a lawyer. A lot of your ideas regarding separation and custody issues in Virginia are incorrect.
Anonymous
09/12/2022 19:52
Subject: Moving out after deciding on separation
Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for the informative responses. We are fairly amicable which makes this slightly easier. However, we do want to move forward with the separation. Finding a rental near our kid's school is $3000-$4000/mo. This will be an expensive ordeal. Read in a few places people will move into a hotel for a week or two as things are figured out.
Are you surprised that theirs is an expensive endeavor? Most people thing about these things when planning to separate.
Anonymous
09/12/2022 19:51
Subject: Moving out after deciding on separation
Also, anything can be agreed to. Most divorces do not end up in a courtroom (only 5% do). You can work it all out with paperwork with a mediator or with two attorneys. Once you get a court involved, you can lose control. Agree to 50/50 custody and 50/50 assets and no reason to fight.
PP here who posted about long in-home separation. Ex is an attorney. Our priority was not wasting money on attorneys and keeping it out of court. Work out an agreement, sign, and file for divorce. It is not that hard. People make it harder than it is and divorce attorneys profit from it.
PP here who posted about long in-home separation. Ex is an attorney. Our priority was not wasting money on attorneys and keeping it out of court. Work out an agreement, sign, and file for divorce. It is not that hard. People make it harder than it is and divorce attorneys profit from it.
Anonymous
09/12/2022 19:47
Subject: Moving out after deciding on separation
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for the informative responses. We are fairly amicable which makes this slightly easier. However, we do want to move forward with the separation. Finding a rental near our kid's school is $3000-$4000/mo. This will be an expensive ordeal. Read in a few places people will move into a hotel for a week or two as things are figured out.
You can start your separation while still in the home. Why would you need to move to a hotel first? Have you never gotten an apartment on your own before? If you can't afford to move close to the children's school then you may need to either transfer them to another school or apply for special permissions so they can attend the same school while you live out of the school zone.
We want to keep the kids in the same school so for both of us to have custody we need to be within the school district (or at least driving range). Not going to uproot our kids and a judge isn't going to find that kindly either.
To keep the kids in the same district, only one custodial parent needs to live in the district.
Yes, but then the parent who is not in the district will not get 50% custody. Or, the other spouse can argue against it. A couple down the street from me went through this. The husband stayed in the district and the wife ended up moving 45 minutes away. She lost 50/50 custody.
Absolutely not true.
Anonymous
09/12/2022 19:05
Subject: Moving out after deciding on separation
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for the informative responses. We are fairly amicable which makes this slightly easier. However, we do want to move forward with the separation. Finding a rental near our kid's school is $3000-$4000/mo. This will be an expensive ordeal. Read in a few places people will move into a hotel for a week or two as things are figured out.
You can start your separation while still in the home. Why would you need to move to a hotel first? Have you never gotten an apartment on your own before? If you can't afford to move close to the children's school then you may need to either transfer them to another school or apply for special permissions so they can attend the same school while you live out of the school zone.
We want to keep the kids in the same school so for both of us to have custody we need to be within the school district (or at least driving range). Not going to uproot our kids and a judge isn't going to find that kindly either.
To keep the kids in the same district, only one custodial parent needs to live in the district.
Yes, but then the parent who is not in the district will not get 50% custody. Or, the other spouse can argue against it. A couple down the street from me went through this. The husband stayed in the district and the wife ended up moving 45 minutes away. She lost 50/50 custody.
Anonymous
09/12/2022 17:04
Subject: Moving out after deciding on separation
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for the informative responses. We are fairly amicable which makes this slightly easier. However, we do want to move forward with the separation. Finding a rental near our kid's school is $3000-$4000/mo. This will be an expensive ordeal. Read in a few places people will move into a hotel for a week or two as things are figured out.
You can start your separation while still in the home. Why would you need to move to a hotel first? Have you never gotten an apartment on your own before? If you can't afford to move close to the children's school then you may need to either transfer them to another school or apply for special permissions so they can attend the same school while you live out of the school zone.
We want to keep the kids in the same school so for both of us to have custody we need to be within the school district (or at least driving range). Not going to uproot our kids and a judge isn't going to find that kindly either.
To keep the kids in the same district, only one custodial parent needs to live in the district.
Anonymous
09/12/2022 15:30
Subject: Moving out after deciding on separation
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:PP here. I was separated for 2 years in the same house. Divorce took that long. COVID hit as divorce as final. I stayed in the house until I found a house to buy. That was another 18 months. So, yes, I was in the house even after the divorce.
You do not have to move to be separated. You can figure out permanent housing and then move. Or sell the house and both move.
OP here. Did you have kids? I know VA has strict laws regarding being separated under the same roof. Did you follow all of them for two years? That's a long time. How did you handle bills, etc? Separate accounts?
Yes. I have kids. Yes, we followed all of the rules. Yes, we had separate accounts. No, it was not hard. We had been living like that a long time. Our huge was huge and that helped. We were rarely home at the same time. It was not hard. Also, as long as you agree you are separated and have someone sign an affadavit that you are living separate in the same house, no one questions anything. It is all paperwork.
One thing I learned in my divorce is that you can agree to anything you want and no one will question you if that PSA is signed. No one cares about your divorce. People seem to think a judge will care about x, y, z. If there is signed paperwork submitted, there are no questions asked. I wish I had known that to begin with rather than giving myself anxiety about it.
Our house was huge...typo above.