Anonymous
Post 09/11/2022 18:41     Subject: Hints for dealing with parents in elderly unfriendly home
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Not everyone wants to live in the safest possible place. I’d let them be unless one of them has dementia. Research places in advance they can go when/if there is a fall or other health crisis. Let grown people pick their own living arrangements.

It’s like people pressuring their adult offspring to live in the suburbs because it’s safer. Maybe so, but other things matter too.


One of them literally can’t walk up the stairs without pain, and they have to go up stairs multiple times a day in this house.


Not the poster you are responding to, but I get it. I almost think there is an early, early stage of dementia we see, where they are stubborn and have no common sense, but still considered capable of making their own decision. It's maddening. To a rational person it makes no sense someone would stay in that situation. So many of them have debilitating anxiety and the unknown is far scarier than hobbling up the stairs and being in pain. OP, I hope you find the balance balance I could not find. You can bring up concerns, respecting their rights as adults to make their own decisions. You can let them know they need an emergency plan. Then you technically must let go. You can try strategies. Maybe get their doctor involved, but in the end they can do as they please and you have to make peace with the fact they may end up falling and even killing themselves with their choice, but it was their choice. I spent so much time in therapy dealing with so many eldercare issues and I still go back as other things creep up. I never want to do this to my kids.

I used to not understand why research showed people in their mid to late 60s are happiest. Now I get it. Presumably, you are done with eldercare and trying to do right by your parents and hopefully kids are adults and doing OK. You aren't pulled in multiple directions feeling guilty and worrying as much.


Thank you for this reply, it is exactly what we are dealing with. I do think the parent struggling more physically is also in the earlier stages of “failure to thrive.” Very hard to watch and do nothing, but I am hearing the number of objective posters saying that is really the only option.
Anonymous
Post 09/11/2022 18:14     Subject: Hints for dealing with parents in elderly unfriendly home
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Not everyone wants to live in the safest possible place. I’d let them be unless one of them has dementia. Research places in advance they can go when/if there is a fall or other health crisis. Let grown people pick their own living arrangements.

It’s like people pressuring their adult offspring to live in the suburbs because it’s safer. Maybe so, but other things matter too.


One of them literally can’t walk up the stairs without pain, and they have to go up stairs multiple times a day in this house.


Not the poster you are responding to, but I get it. I almost think there is an early, early stage of dementia we see, where they are stubborn and have no common sense, but still considered capable of making their own decision. It's maddening. To a rational person it makes no sense someone would stay in that situation. So many of them have debilitating anxiety and the unknown is far scarier than hobbling up the stairs and being in pain. OP, I hope you find the balance balance I could not find. You can bring up concerns, respecting their rights as adults to make their own decisions. You can let them know they need an emergency plan. Then you technically must let go. You can try strategies. Maybe get their doctor involved, but in the end they can do as they please and you have to make peace with the fact they may end up falling and even killing themselves with their choice, but it was their choice. I spent so much time in therapy dealing with so many eldercare issues and I still go back as other things creep up. I never want to do this to my kids.

I used to not understand why research showed people in their mid to late 60s are happiest. Now I get it. Presumably, you are done with eldercare and trying to do right by your parents and hopefully kids are adults and doing OK. You aren't pulled in multiple directions feeling guilty and worrying as much.
Anonymous
Post 09/11/2022 17:18     Subject: Hints for dealing with parents in elderly unfriendly home
Anonymous wrote:Not everyone wants to live in the safest possible place. I’d let them be unless one of them has dementia. Research places in advance they can go when/if there is a fall or other health crisis. Let grown people pick their own living arrangements.

It’s like people pressuring their adult offspring to live in the suburbs because it’s safer. Maybe so, but other things matter too.


One of them literally can’t walk up the stairs without pain, and they have to go up stairs multiple times a day in this house.
Anonymous
Post 09/11/2022 16:56     Subject: Re:Hints for dealing with parents in elderly unfriendly home
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Can you put a chairlift on the stairs? For the steep driveway, cut stair into it and put in a lift there too?


That's a lot of effort when with one hip break or other major fall the person may need to go to rehabilitation and then residential. Plus, how will you one day cell a house on a hill with a chairlift on the driveway? I have never seen this. If there is an HOA, good luck getting approval. If there isn't neighbors may be angry about the eyesore and if it decreases their home value, they can take legal action.


Also, by the time you find a contractor to do this and the work actually gets done and paid for, the situation could be totally different. things change in an instant with the elderly. One bad fall or bout with illness and an able bodied person is totally disabled. One surgery and someone with mild or no dementia is suddenly moderate post surgery. You can throw endless money and keep doing remodeling at the home and next thing you know you haven't finished age proofing and they have to be moved a full time care place ASAP. They you have a house in the middle of renovations that is empty and will not sell.


Yikes ok we get it you don’t like the idea


Dp, but honestly they are correct. Someone in their mid-80s isn’t going to be improving. Falls are very damaging, and it will be difficult to remove the fall risk from this home. I understand their impulse to not move, but for most people it is better to move to a suitable interim solution than to retrofit a house for circumstances that are prone to changing at any time.


This. It’s not worth it. My parents are in this process and it was kind of working until it suddenly isn’t.


It definitely isn’t working. On bad days, they acknowledge this. But then there are a few good days, and all that is forgotten.



Just want to add, we know they need to move. But neither have dementia, and they can still totally care for themselves, they are just in an environment o that makes it more likely a fall occurs than is acceptable. Sibling thinks we can only do so much, and if they insist on jeopardizing themselves, we just have to accept. It’s a maddening situation.

I’m 16:12 and I just read this. I agree with your sibling completely. Think of it this way - would you rather live an extra 2 years in conditions that make you uncomfortable/unhappy just because it’s safer? Regardless of your answer, can you imagine other people making a different calculation?


Just posted, but wanted to say, the boundaries are essential. They have to understand it's not just about them and their wants if they expect family to be there for them for every fall and issue. It is selfish to age in place like that if you think it's "no trouble" to call and expect an appearance from the fam every time things go wrong. If you plan to have a hired person you can call and you manage emergencies on your own mostly then do as you please. T
Anonymous
Post 09/11/2022 16:53     Subject: Re:Hints for dealing with parents in elderly unfriendly home
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Can you put a chairlift on the stairs? For the steep driveway, cut stair into it and put in a lift there too?


That's a lot of effort when with one hip break or other major fall the person may need to go to rehabilitation and then residential. Plus, how will you one day cell a house on a hill with a chairlift on the driveway? I have never seen this. If there is an HOA, good luck getting approval. If there isn't neighbors may be angry about the eyesore and if it decreases their home value, they can take legal action.


Also, by the time you find a contractor to do this and the work actually gets done and paid for, the situation could be totally different. things change in an instant with the elderly. One bad fall or bout with illness and an able bodied person is totally disabled. One surgery and someone with mild or no dementia is suddenly moderate post surgery. You can throw endless money and keep doing remodeling at the home and next thing you know you haven't finished age proofing and they have to be moved a full time care place ASAP. They you have a house in the middle of renovations that is empty and will not sell.


Yikes ok we get it you don’t like the idea


Dp, but honestly they are correct. Someone in their mid-80s isn’t going to be improving. Falls are very damaging, and it will be difficult to remove the fall risk from this home. I understand their impulse to not move, but for most people it is better to move to a suitable interim solution than to retrofit a house for circumstances that are prone to changing at any time.


This. It’s not worth it. My parents are in this process and it was kind of working until it suddenly isn’t.


It definitely isn’t working. On bad days, they acknowledge this. But then there are a few good days, and all that is forgotten.



Just want to add, we know they need to move. But neither have dementia, and they can still totally care for themselves, they are just in an environment o that makes it more likely a fall occurs than is acceptable. Sibling thinks we can only do so much, and if they insist on jeopardizing themselves, we just have to accept. It’s a maddening situation.


Your siblings are right as hard as it is. You should though make clear your boundaries. So many parents just assume every.single.time things go wrong you should uproot your life for them. Let them know there may be times they have to fend for themselves in emergencies. May make them think twice. It's the neighbors who say "call anytime" and the family who say "I am here for you no matter what" who enable this and then they are suddenly the bad guys if they don't hop to each time to save the elderly folks with their heads in the sand. I know it's hard to tell parents I am not there for you at a moment's notice, but I was there over and over and it just is not sustainable, too often they don't appreciate and they take advantage.
Anonymous
Post 09/11/2022 16:15     Subject: Re:Hints for dealing with parents in elderly unfriendly home
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Can you put a chairlift on the stairs? For the steep driveway, cut stair into it and put in a lift there too?


That's a lot of effort when with one hip break or other major fall the person may need to go to rehabilitation and then residential. Plus, how will you one day cell a house on a hill with a chairlift on the driveway? I have never seen this. If there is an HOA, good luck getting approval. If there isn't neighbors may be angry about the eyesore and if it decreases their home value, they can take legal action.


Also, by the time you find a contractor to do this and the work actually gets done and paid for, the situation could be totally different. things change in an instant with the elderly. One bad fall or bout with illness and an able bodied person is totally disabled. One surgery and someone with mild or no dementia is suddenly moderate post surgery. You can throw endless money and keep doing remodeling at the home and next thing you know you haven't finished age proofing and they have to be moved a full time care place ASAP. They you have a house in the middle of renovations that is empty and will not sell.


Yikes ok we get it you don’t like the idea


Dp, but honestly they are correct. Someone in their mid-80s isn’t going to be improving. Falls are very damaging, and it will be difficult to remove the fall risk from this home. I understand their impulse to not move, but for most people it is better to move to a suitable interim solution than to retrofit a house for circumstances that are prone to changing at any time.


This. It’s not worth it. My parents are in this process and it was kind of working until it suddenly isn’t.


It definitely isn’t working. On bad days, they acknowledge this. But then there are a few good days, and all that is forgotten.



Just want to add, we know they need to move. But neither have dementia, and they can still totally care for themselves, they are just in an environment o that makes it more likely a fall occurs than is acceptable. Sibling thinks we can only do so much, and if they insist on jeopardizing themselves, we just have to accept. It’s a maddening situation.

I’m 16:12 and I just read this. I agree with your sibling completely. Think of it this way - would you rather live an extra 2 years in conditions that make you uncomfortable/unhappy just because it’s safer? Regardless of your answer, can you imagine other people making a different calculation?
Anonymous
Post 09/11/2022 16:12     Subject: Hints for dealing with parents in elderly unfriendly home
Not everyone wants to live in the safest possible place. I’d let them be unless one of them has dementia. Research places in advance they can go when/if there is a fall or other health crisis. Let grown people pick their own living arrangements.

It’s like people pressuring their adult offspring to live in the suburbs because it’s safer. Maybe so, but other things matter too.
Anonymous
Post 09/11/2022 16:11     Subject: Re:Hints for dealing with parents in elderly unfriendly home
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Can you put a chairlift on the stairs? For the steep driveway, cut stair into it and put in a lift there too?


That's a lot of effort when with one hip break or other major fall the person may need to go to rehabilitation and then residential. Plus, how will you one day cell a house on a hill with a chairlift on the driveway? I have never seen this. If there is an HOA, good luck getting approval. If there isn't neighbors may be angry about the eyesore and if it decreases their home value, they can take legal action.


Also, by the time you find a contractor to do this and the work actually gets done and paid for, the situation could be totally different. things change in an instant with the elderly. One bad fall or bout with illness and an able bodied person is totally disabled. One surgery and someone with mild or no dementia is suddenly moderate post surgery. You can throw endless money and keep doing remodeling at the home and next thing you know you haven't finished age proofing and they have to be moved a full time care place ASAP. They you have a house in the middle of renovations that is empty and will not sell.


Yikes ok we get it you don’t like the idea


Dp, but honestly they are correct. Someone in their mid-80s isn’t going to be improving. Falls are very damaging, and it will be difficult to remove the fall risk from this home. I understand their impulse to not move, but for most people it is better to move to a suitable interim solution than to retrofit a house for circumstances that are prone to changing at any time.


This. It’s not worth it. My parents are in this process and it was kind of working until it suddenly isn’t.


It definitely isn’t working. On bad days, they acknowledge this. But then there are a few good days, and all that is forgotten.



Just want to add, we know they need to move. But neither have dementia, and they can still totally care for themselves, they are just in an environment o that makes it more likely a fall occurs than is acceptable. Sibling thinks we can only do so much, and if they insist on jeopardizing themselves, we just have to accept. It’s a maddening situation.
Anonymous
Post 09/11/2022 16:06     Subject: Re:Hints for dealing with parents in elderly unfriendly home
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Can you put a chairlift on the stairs? For the steep driveway, cut stair into it and put in a lift there too?


That's a lot of effort when with one hip break or other major fall the person may need to go to rehabilitation and then residential. Plus, how will you one day cell a house on a hill with a chairlift on the driveway? I have never seen this. If there is an HOA, good luck getting approval. If there isn't neighbors may be angry about the eyesore and if it decreases their home value, they can take legal action.


Also, by the time you find a contractor to do this and the work actually gets done and paid for, the situation could be totally different. things change in an instant with the elderly. One bad fall or bout with illness and an able bodied person is totally disabled. One surgery and someone with mild or no dementia is suddenly moderate post surgery. You can throw endless money and keep doing remodeling at the home and next thing you know you haven't finished age proofing and they have to be moved a full time care place ASAP. They you have a house in the middle of renovations that is empty and will not sell.


Yikes ok we get it you don’t like the idea


Dp, but honestly they are correct. Someone in their mid-80s isn’t going to be improving. Falls are very damaging, and it will be difficult to remove the fall risk from this home. I understand their impulse to not move, but for most people it is better to move to a suitable interim solution than to retrofit a house for circumstances that are prone to changing at any time.


This. It’s not worth it. My parents are in this process and it was kind of working until it suddenly isn’t.


It definitely isn’t working. On bad days, they acknowledge this. But then there are a few good days, and all that is forgotten.
Anonymous
Post 09/11/2022 16:05     Subject: Hints for dealing with parents in elderly unfriendly home
Anonymous wrote:Don't say they would never go! That's certainly not going to help make it happen. How about a suggestion that it be their Winter Place for 3 months, during the worst of the winter weather. Did they ever go away for the winter months? It's like that. Research places. Narrow down to 2 or 3 places. Take the most agreeable of them to see and pressure them to pick. for 3 months. Don't talk about beyond 3 months (by 3 months they are settled, probably happy ... and probably thinks it was their idea)

Don't make moving out of house "a thing". Just get them out of their. Deal with their stuff later. They take a small amount to the new place, as if it's an extended vacation.


They have a home in a warm climate but they refuse to g for more than 2 weeks a winter. Claim it’s boring and they are missing too much. That would be a good solution, though, at least with respect to Irish of fall from ice and snow,
Anonymous
Post 09/11/2022 16:02     Subject: Hints for dealing with parents in elderly unfriendly home
Don't say they would never go! That's certainly not going to help make it happen. How about a suggestion that it be their Winter Place for 3 months, during the worst of the winter weather. Did they ever go away for the winter months? It's like that. Research places. Narrow down to 2 or 3 places. Take the most agreeable of them to see and pressure them to pick. for 3 months. Don't talk about beyond 3 months (by 3 months they are settled, probably happy ... and probably thinks it was their idea)

Don't make moving out of house "a thing". Just get them out of their. Deal with their stuff later. They take a small amount to the new place, as if it's an extended vacation.
Anonymous
Post 09/11/2022 15:30     Subject: Hints for dealing with parents in elderly unfriendly home
Anonymous wrote:I think I would offer to find them an acceptable place to move to and then offer to arrange a fun vacation for about a week and then offer to completely pack and move and unpack them into the new place so they didn't have to do anything. I would also use their money to accomplish all this. If you sell it right they might go for it.


Be very careful. I went the route of agreeing to do everything for perfectly capable parents so they would go along with what I thought was right and it became enabling. They felt entitled to this from then on and gratitude turned to nastiness. Also, if you find the place , they may just blame you for everything they hate there. My mom did this if I found a doctor for her so I made her do her own research. You can hire a service to move them and unpack. I might find those places and give a list of numbers. Let them chose their own place to move otherwise you may be turn into their verbal punching bag because there is a leak or the neighbors cook smelly food or they tripped on a branch walking nearby. It is scary for them going through change and adjusting to aging and while some have good coping skills, others, like my mother, need a place to unleash rage. You know the joke about how people starting blaming everything on Obama and saying "Thanks Obama!" with hostility for just about anything wrong? Well, imagine and irrational parent doing this with rage and YOU are the reason everything is wrong all because you had the nerve to try to help.
Anonymous
Post 09/11/2022 15:05     Subject: Hints for dealing with parents in elderly unfriendly home
I think I would offer to find them an acceptable place to move to and then offer to arrange a fun vacation for about a week and then offer to completely pack and move and unpack them into the new place so they didn't have to do anything. I would also use their money to accomplish all this. If you sell it right they might go for it.