Juan Epstein

We're in the same age range but I'm childless. I identify as black and Jewish. Like you, I'm dark brown. I grew up in northern NJ. I was sent to both Hebrew school and CCD and got to choose my religion. Both of my parents are biracial, but my mother's mother is Jewish. My mother is technically Jewish but started to reject it around the time I was born.

My mother no longer identifies as Jewish because of repeated overt and subtle discrimination aka Ashkenormativity. She's more tan than brown with almost straight hair. She looks just black enough that most people realize she's not white but don't always realize the otherness is black. It's very sad and it truly embarrasses me when other jews find out my mother now practices a christian religion even though she was born Jewish and is culturally Jewish. But the truth is that it should not embarrass me, it should embarrass the greater Jewish community that she adopted a completely new religion because of how other Jews treat her because of her skin color. When I've told her I just don't understand how she can go to church, she tells me she doesn't believe any of it, that it's just nice to go somewhere she feels welcomed and like she belongs. It doesn't even have anything to do with skin color because she belongs to a.... wait for it... all white (except for her) Catholic Church that is down the road from the home she retired in.

I get so sad when I see all the interfaith events around black history month with black Christians. Meanwhile many of the same people who engage or tout them don't acknowledge or do the work to address the racism that sickens Jewish America that makes white jews act unaccepting and racist (overt and otherwise) towards JOC, but esp towards black jews. To all the other jews on this thread, please go out of your way to learn about antiracism and put it into practice every time you see a POC in the jewish community.

I will say that I have found the Jewish community in this area much more racist (overt and subtle) than NJ/NY. It is much harder to find a place that feels like home. I've personally have had very good experiences with Adas Israel in DC but am not a member and don't go regularly. If I ever have a child, that's where I will probably go.

Most of my bad experiences in the area have been at reform synagogues. I do think that Ashkenazi people who mostly identity as cultural jews tend to exhibit significantly more subtle racism towards their fellow jews who are black since they don't think about the religious part as much. I have double last name. One of those is a name that is sometimes Jewish, sometimes not, but most people realize that it's one that can fit the mould. I cannot even pretend to know how many times during my lifetime that someone who is jewish while at a jewish event will explain to me that there are Jewish people with my last name and ask me if I knew I had a Jewish last name. This is usually after I say that I'm Jewish (because let's face it, if you're black and the person doesn't know you, you have to say it, being there is not enough.)

When I was a teenager I got one of those Tiffany Elsa Perretti Star of David sliver necklaces for my birthday one year. Pretty much all the Jewish girls in my area had them. I finally had to stop wearing it because I got tired of random Jewish people coming up to me asking if I knew I was "wearing a jewish star" and then started explaining to me that it was a religious symbol. The only time someone had something not racist to say about the necklace was in Summit, NJ. I was wearing it at the train station and sat down next to someone who was modern orthodox. He looked at my neck and said with happy surprise "You're Jewish! Tell me how that is for you, to be black and Jewish." It was one of the best conversations I ever had about religon.

All I can say is we are out here but were probably not in your synagogue. It's sad. I feel for you so much. I've met so many mixed black people who are jewish in some way and none of us go to shul because it hurts to be treated like an outsider in your own community. Lots of luck to you. If you find somewhere great you should come back and post it so other folks looking will know.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for all the recommendations! I’m conservative but open to a reform shul.

Just to clarify. I’m Jewish through my mother. But kudos to the poster who commented on Ashenormativity being a thing. It seems to be much more prevalent here than where I grew up and it’s not like people see my Jewishness like the see my blackness. I have my mother’s stereotypical Jewish last name and I have honestly been aghast at some of the bizarre comments I have received at Jewish events about why a single black woman might have a Jewish last name or an Israeli Hebrew middle name.

Also, the type of people who would suggest that I find a group of Ethiopian Jews and call it a day because I’m black, are exactly the type of people I would like to steer clear of. I really hope that poster isn’t Jewish.

My adopted child is not Jewish but would like to convert. I’m quite dark compared to most black/white biracial Americans. I’ve felt very lost since moving here. I won’t go into details but I’m truly shocked. I’m will say most of our bad experiences were in MD but we on the VA side now and plan to stay.

Please keep any recommendations coming. I’m also wondering about the J in Annandale, can anyone comment of the climate there?

OP, I'm wondering if some of the bad experiences you are having are also tied to your status as a single parent? Are you having difficulty with other women in the communities you've tried to join, or are the difficulties from both men and women and overtly racial?

I have not noticed a difference between men vs women or mothers vs others. I also recognize that it is unusual for someone like me to have a very Jewish last name as I’m quite dark. I’d say my coloring is similar to Malia Obama but my hair is not nearly as curly. I’m not really too bothered by people being surprised because it is ot typical. Most people who don’t know me assume that I’m married to someone Jewish and it really doesn’t bother me. I’m not bothered by little things like that.

What I do have an issue with is getting locked out of rooms or buildings my child is in because people thinking I’m lying or I’m angry Nanny. TBH I just have had so many bad experiences that I’m very weary now. Last week my child asked me if we should try to find a new religion and both get baptized since “Jews here don’t like us” and then he apologized for not being Jewish to me. He seems to think this is happening because his adoption made me less Jewish. Thank g-d he doesn’t understand that it’s about how we look.

Anonymous wrote:Try BJC -- Bethesda Jewish Congregation.

^^ I know of at least one single and Black congregant who joined because her other soul was not as welcoming.

Try BJC -- Bethesda Jewish Congregation.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for all the recommendations! I’m conservative but open to a reform shul.

Just to clarify. I’m Jewish through my mother. But kudos to the poster who commented on Ashenormativity being a thing. It seems to be much more prevalent here than where I grew up and it’s not like people see my Jewishness like the see my blackness. I have my mother’s stereotypical Jewish last name and I have honestly been aghast at some of the bizarre comments I have received at Jewish events about why a single black woman might have a Jewish last name or an Israeli Hebrew middle name.

Also, the type of people who would suggest that I find a group of Ethiopian Jews and call it a day because I’m black, are exactly the type of people I would like to steer clear of. I really hope that poster isn’t Jewish.

My adopted child is not Jewish but would like to convert. I’m quite dark compared to most black/white biracial Americans. I’ve felt very lost since moving here. I won’t go into details but I’m truly shocked. I’m will say most of our bad experiences were in MD but we on the VA side now and plan to stay.

Please keep any recommendations coming. I’m also wondering about the J in Annandale, can anyone comment of the climate there?

OP, I'm wondering if some of the bad experiences you are having are also tied to your status as a single parent? Are you having difficulty with other women in the communities you've tried to join, or are the difficulties from both men and women and overtly racial?

OP here. Thank you for all the recommendations! I’m conservative but open to a reform shul.

Just to clarify. I’m Jewish through my mother. But kudos to the poster who commented on Ashenormativity being a thing. It seems to be much more prevalent here than where I grew up and it’s not like people see my Jewishness like the see my blackness. I have my mother’s stereotypical Jewish last name and I have honestly been aghast at some of the bizarre comments I have received at Jewish events about why a single black woman might have a Jewish last name or an Israeli Hebrew middle name.

Also, the type of people who would suggest that I find a group of Ethiopian Jews and call it a day because I’m black, are exactly the type of people I would like to steer clear of. I really hope that poster isn’t Jewish.

My adopted child is not Jewish but would like to convert. I’m quite dark compared to most black/white biracial Americans. I’ve felt very lost since moving here. I won’t go into details but I’m truly shocked. I’m will say most of our bad experiences were in MD but we on the VA side now and plan to stay.

Please keep any recommendations coming. I’m also wondering about the J in Annandale, can anyone comment of the climate there?

I'll second (or third or whatever) Temple Micah.

I belong to one of the shuls mentioned above and I’m a JOC (not Black). I would suggest that you attend Shabbat services or whatever activity you think you’ll do regularly to get a sense of the congregation. Some of these temples have JOC affinity groups, and if you contact the temple, they can put you in touch with a JOC from the temple who can share their experiences.

Anonymous wrote:I’m unfamiliar with synagogues in NOVA, but you will likely be welcome at your local reform synagogue.

Our Conservative shul has POC Jews. Don’t generalize.

I’m unfamiliar with synagogues in NOVA, but you will likely be welcome at your local reform synagogue.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would you feel comfortable with Ethiopian Jews? As you may know, there is a group of Jews who lived in Ethiopia. There was intermarriage with the community but they kept the faith. Maybe they can help you. https://www.jconnect.org/department/washington-association-for-ethiopian-jews/

Do you not see how your statement could be interpreted?
There is and always has been intermarriage throughout history in all other communities, op did not say he was from Ethiopia. Almost sounds like you want him to join that community instead of welcoming him into yours

Give it up -- i.e., stop implying negative motives.

That’s literally the definition of racism.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would you feel comfortable with Ethiopian Jews? As you may know, there is a group of Jews who lived in Ethiopia. There was intermarriage with the community but they kept the faith. Maybe they can help you. https://www.jconnect.org/department/washington-association-for-ethiopian-jews/

Do you not see how your statement could be interpreted?
There is and always has been intermarriage throughout history in all other communities, op did not say he was from Ethiopia. Almost sounds like you want him to join that community instead of welcoming him into yours

Give it up -- i.e., stop implying negative motives.

The motive may not have been negative, but the idea that a Black Ashkenazi Jew should join an Ethiopian synagogue when the only thing they have in common is skin color is exactly the kind of thing that, if I were OP, I'd be trying to avoid as I looked for a shul.

Anonymous wrote:I agree that race will not be an issue at Adas Israel. It's still a place that gives lip service to Halachah, when it suits their self-image to do so, though, and I notice OP uses "half and half"ish language and mentions engagement with other religious traditions. OP, if you are patrilineal and not interested in conversion I'm guessing you would want an entirely non-Halachic community? Because in the more traditional Jewish world, race is meaningless and is not supposed to be an obstacle. If you're legally Jewish you're 100% Jewish with full standing in the community. That doesn't mean there aren't jerks, but they have no legitimate basis for discrimination. But... you don't seem to discuss yourself as 100% Jewish. You mentioned a bunch of other religious entanglements and described yourself as Black/Ashkenazi rather than as Ashkenazi who happens to be Black.

Are you trying to suggest here that if Halachah says someone is Jewish, that's the end of it, period? That no other cultural issues come into play, even subconsciously, in any way? Seems more than a little naive, even ignoring your not-particularly-subtle digs that suggest that Conservative synagogues and/or Black Jews are less than fully Jewish.

It’s very sad that you must ask where you would be welcome.