Anonymous
Post 08/25/2022 12:32     Subject: Meddling relative
Uncle sounds like a shit-stirrer. Why is he there for two weeks?? Does he have his own kids and grandkids?

I believe in respecting elders, so I wouldn’t directly confront him or shut him down, but I would ignore him. Next year if you do an extended visit, make it a bit short and ask your parents not to have uncle there. For all we know, your parents are irritated with him but can’t express it to him so they talk about mild annoyances involving you. Then he takes that ball and runs with it!
Anonymous
Post 08/25/2022 12:32     Subject: Meddling relative
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You need to not respond to uncle, but you do need to be civil in the AM, coffee or not. Stay in your room until you are ready to be polite.


I guess I’m not understanding why it’s such a big deal to not want to entertain probing questions about life plans etc first thing in the morning. I need to get out of my room because I need to get the kids ready for camp, make lunches etc so no I cannot hide in my room. But I’m busy getting them ready and then trying to sip my coffee in silence, outside in the backyard or in a room where nobody else needs to be so I’m not imposing on anyone. I guess I also don’t understand why this is an issue of overstaying our welcome since we were invited for even longer (we declined 8 weeks) and we are invited back. In my opinion Its not really ok to ask me all the questions that popped into your head just because they popped into your head then and there(eg how’s my friend from high school doing), rather than waiting until our nightly dinner or some other time we spend together to ask.


It’s totally fine for them to ask you any questions that pop into their mind. It’s not rude. If you don’t feel like delving into it, is is so hard to smile and deflect, with a “not really sure yet what our 5 year plan is, mom!” Or “Stacy! Wow. That’s quite a tale, can’t wait to tell you all about her later at dinner when I have more time! Speaking of which, do you need me to pick anything up for dinner tonight when I drop the kids at camp?”

It’s normal to talk to other humans during the day, not just at dinner. Now when you are working, it’s fine to say nicely, “sorry mom, I can’t talk just now, I have to get this TPS report back to my boss right away.” But nicely!


Hm I guess I disagree!
Anonymous
Post 08/25/2022 12:28     Subject: Re:Meddling relative
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I would echo the pp. You can ignore the uncle but, perhaps he is hitting closer to the truth. You can't say 'good morning' even before coffee? That is rude. I think your parents are saints to host you this long!


Sure I can say good morning. But I can’t entertain questions likel “how’s your job going these days” or “how’s that friend from high school doing these days” etc. not before coffee!


Oh geez, I am the same. I cannot with houseguests who want to chat me first thing in the morning. When I'm staying with someone else, I try to follow their lead though. 5 weeks is a really long time to stay with anyone. Kudos, I am not sure I could take it.


I guess I agree and in all honesty I would be much more willing to overcome my introversion with people other than my parents, and I of course would never stay this long with non parents. But we are staying with my parents, at their request, so I sort of feel like I should be able to set the tone for how I want my mornings to be without being guilt tripped for not chit chatting enough.
Anonymous
Post 08/25/2022 12:25     Subject: Meddling relative
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You need to not respond to uncle, but you do need to be civil in the AM, coffee or not. Stay in your room until you are ready to be polite.


I guess I’m not understanding why it’s such a big deal to not want to entertain probing questions about life plans etc first thing in the morning. I need to get out of my room because I need to get the kids ready for camp, make lunches etc so no I cannot hide in my room. But I’m busy getting them ready and then trying to sip my coffee in silence, outside in the backyard or in a room where nobody else needs to be so I’m not imposing on anyone. I guess I also don’t understand why this is an issue of overstaying our welcome since we were invited for even longer (we declined 8 weeks) and we are invited back. In my opinion Its not really ok to ask me all the questions that popped into your head just because they popped into your head then and there(eg how’s my friend from high school doing), rather than waiting until our nightly dinner or some other time we spend together to ask.


It’s totally fine for them to ask you any questions that pop into their mind. It’s not rude. If you don’t feel like delving into it, is is so hard to smile and deflect, with a “not really sure yet what our 5 year plan is, mom!” Or “Stacy! Wow. That’s quite a tale, can’t wait to tell you all about her later at dinner when I have more time! Speaking of which, do you need me to pick anything up for dinner tonight when I drop the kids at camp?”

It’s normal to talk to other humans during the day, not just at dinner. Now when you are working, it’s fine to say nicely, “sorry mom, I can’t talk just now, I have to get this TPS report back to my boss right away.” But nicely!
Anonymous
Post 08/25/2022 12:17     Subject: Meddling relative
Anonymous wrote:You need to not respond to uncle, but you do need to be civil in the AM, coffee or not. Stay in your room until you are ready to be polite.


I guess I’m not understanding why it’s such a big deal to not want to entertain probing questions about life plans etc first thing in the morning. I need to get out of my room because I need to get the kids ready for camp, make lunches etc so no I cannot hide in my room. But I’m busy getting them ready and then trying to sip my coffee in silence, outside in the backyard or in a room where nobody else needs to be so I’m not imposing on anyone. I guess I also don’t understand why this is an issue of overstaying our welcome since we were invited for even longer (we declined 8 weeks) and we are invited back. In my opinion Its not really ok to ask me all the questions that popped into your head just because they popped into your head then and there(eg how’s my friend from high school doing), rather than waiting until our nightly dinner or some other time we spend together to ask.
Anonymous
Post 08/25/2022 12:14     Subject: Re:Meddling relative
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:This would piss me off and honestly I would just leave. I would also throw back uncles rude message. I’d tell him that it is extremely rude and overstepping. Remind him that he is not part of your relationship with your parents. If he persists, you’ll block his email so don’t be surprised if you don’t get future responses.

You are adults and a meddling uncle should not pretend that you are children who he can scold. It makes him feel powerful and relevant, remind him that he’s not.



Also to add: He’s been in fine meddling form this whole trip. Likes to tell elaborate stories about other peoples kids and grandkids who aren’t appreciative enough and how rude they are. one story was about how grandkids don’t visit their grandparents enough in another state and that they should visit “every two months”. I feel like these stories are all sloppy attempts to manipulate us, and I’ve had enough!


I like to call this type of crap out directly. "Uncle, why are you talking about grandkids who don't visit enough? Do you think we don't visit enough?" Make him own his passive aggressive crap.
Anonymous
Post 08/25/2022 12:11     Subject: Re:Meddling relative
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I would echo the pp. You can ignore the uncle but, perhaps he is hitting closer to the truth. You can't say 'good morning' even before coffee? That is rude. I think your parents are saints to host you this long!


Sure I can say good morning. But I can’t entertain questions likel “how’s your job going these days” or “how’s that friend from high school doing these days” etc. not before coffee!


Oh geez, I am the same. I cannot with houseguests who want to chat me first thing in the morning. When I'm staying with someone else, I try to follow their lead though. 5 weeks is a really long time to stay with anyone. Kudos, I am not sure I could take it.
Anonymous
Post 08/25/2022 12:09     Subject: Meddling relative
You need to not respond to uncle, but you do need to be civil in the AM, coffee or not. Stay in your room until you are ready to be polite.
Anonymous
Post 08/25/2022 12:07     Subject: Meddling relative
This is something my FIL does All The Time. He does it with his adult children (and their spouses), his many siblings, their spouses, and their children. He is always sending out group emails announcing events that do not warrant an announcement and then expecting letters and cards to be written with well wishes. (I am literally talking about his routine colonoscopy.) He also invites people to parties at relative's houses and then orders the relative to throw a party. He did this when I was pregnant with my first. He literally invited everyone to my house on my due date and then ordered me to throw a party on that day. He also did that to my BIL (his son) where he announced a birthday party at BIL's house and invited everyone. BIL wasn't even in the country that day.

It took a while for me to realize that everyone blows off his extreme overstepping. I know he means well.
Anonymous
Post 08/25/2022 11:58     Subject: Re:Meddling relative
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Isn't school starting? Shouldn't you be going home? Are you in the DMV?


Yes we’re going home soon, for the start of school. happy to be leaving soon, trying to relax this last week. I don’t actually think anyone is having a terrible time, just petty complaints all around. Also my uncle has a way of pressing people to see what’s bothering them, so he probably pressed my parents for some Complaints the same way he presses me. I’m so over him.


It's almost like you could just go home and not have to be around the uncle. Next time, shorter visits, and cool it with the obnoxious "not before coffee" routine. That flies in your own home but not as an extended guest far overstaying their welcome in someone else's home.
Anonymous
Post 08/25/2022 11:57     Subject: Re:Meddling relative
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Isn't school starting? Shouldn't you be going home? Are you in the DMV?


Yes we’re going home soon, for the start of school. happy to be leaving soon, trying to relax this last week. I don’t actually think anyone is having a terrible time, just petty complaints all around. Also my uncle has a way of pressing people to see what’s bothering them, so he probably pressed my parents for some Complaints the same way he presses me. I’m so over him.

For the love of God just go home. Why would you want to spend your summer in an environment where there are petty complaints all around?
Anonymous
Post 08/25/2022 11:50     Subject: Re:Meddling relative
Anonymous wrote:Isn't school starting? Shouldn't you be going home? Are you in the DMV?


Yes we’re going home soon, for the start of school. happy to be leaving soon, trying to relax this last week. I don’t actually think anyone is having a terrible time, just petty complaints all around. Also my uncle has a way of pressing people to see what’s bothering them, so he probably pressed my parents for some Complaints the same way he presses me. I’m so over him.
Anonymous
Post 08/25/2022 11:49     Subject: Meddling relative
Sweet Jesus, it's been 5 weeks? Go home. That's way too long.
Anonymous
Post 08/25/2022 11:45     Subject: Re:Meddling relative
Isn't school starting? Shouldn't you be going home? Are you in the DMV?
Anonymous
Post 08/25/2022 10:57     Subject: Re:Meddling relative
Anonymous wrote:This would piss me off and honestly I would just leave. I would also throw back uncles rude message. I’d tell him that it is extremely rude and overstepping. Remind him that he is not part of your relationship with your parents. If he persists, you’ll block his email so don’t be surprised if you don’t get future responses.

You are adults and a meddling uncle should not pretend that you are children who he can scold. It makes him feel powerful and relevant, remind him that he’s not.



Also to add: He’s been in fine meddling form this whole trip. Likes to tell elaborate stories about other peoples kids and grandkids who aren’t appreciative enough and how rude they are. one story was about how grandkids don’t visit their grandparents enough in another state and that they should visit “every two months”. I feel like these stories are all sloppy attempts to manipulate us, and I’ve had enough!