We are first gen in our late 50s. Our kids are still in college and they will not be in the situation to take care of us for the next 10 years at least. Our plan is to age in place, take care of our health and continue to get paid assistance. We are already doing our best to live in a mimimalistic manner and declutter and get rid of our possessions.

Anonymous wrote:In my experience, no. Usually, the biggest problem is food. My Indian grandmother never ate American food, even though she lived in this country for years. To put her in a nursing home where she would suddenly be served food she's never eaten before would be a huge shock, and downright cruel, imo. Maybe if there had been Indian nursing homes in the area, that would have been an option? But there weren't any, so we kept her with us.

There are in areas with large Indian populations - Houston, Chicago, LA, Florida, New Jersey, New York

Anonymous wrote:My Indian MIL will! No way she’s staying with me so….

I will never understand why racist white women marry Indian men. I know SO MANY OF THEM. Your husband is a total loser if he didn't prep you for his family. You have a HUSBAND problem, not an MIL problem.

Anonymous wrote:My Indian MIL will! No way she’s staying with me so….

So will my WASP MIL and FIL. No way any of their kids would want to take care of them. Certainly not my DH.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think traditional Asian families tend to care for their elderly parents at home, if at all possible. It seems only Americans are eager to quickly find ‘a place for mom’ institution. Unless absolutely necessary, the American way is tragic.

You sound unhinged. Dramatic much?

PP, unhinged? Really? YOU are the one that sounds dramatic.

It is very sad how Americans view old age and caring for their parents. It is a tragedy and it's sad that people like you continue to try and normalize the practice of sending parents away to be someone else's problem in old age.

I’m PP above with the example of my late father.

It’s often impractical, impossible and unworkable to move an elderly
parent into a family home. My current home would never work because we have a split level with bedrooms on 2 upper levels. We’d have to extensively renovate. Also there’s a physically demanding part of home health care that most younger people would struggle to do on a daily basis. There was no way my 100 pound mom with osteoporosis was going to assist my dad with bathing or dressing.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think traditional Asian families tend to care for their elderly parents at home, if at all possible. It seems only Americans are eager to quickly find ‘a place for mom’ institution. Unless absolutely necessary, the American way is tragic.

You sound unhinged. Dramatic much?

PP, unhinged? Really? YOU are the one that sounds dramatic.

It is very sad how Americans view old age and caring for their parents. It is a tragedy and it's sad that people like you continue to try and normalize the practice of sending parents away to be someone else's problem in old age.

Not Asian but well aware of the “Asian model” of having an elder move in with a family member and keeping them out of institutional care. Tremendous respect for the thinking and cultural respect for the family and elders.

However…this is often impractical, unhealthy and dangerous and I use my late father as an example. Parents both were determined that he remain at home despite a dementia diagnosis and failing physical health. Mom was told to never leave dad home alone, as he was a fall risk. She decided that she really needed to go to church and so left home alone.

He fell, shattered his hip and post surgery, lived out his years in skilled nursing on deaths door. Agonizing, slow progressive death.

Elderly are one fall or diagnosis away from having to be in a nursing home. No way could my mom bathe or even move my dad. They’d have had to completely renovate their home for it to be accessible and my mom refused.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think traditional Asian families tend to care for their elderly parents at home, if at all possible. It seems only Americans are eager to quickly find ‘a place for mom’ institution. Unless absolutely necessary, the American way is tragic.

The Asian way can be tragic too. ILs are in serious medical trouble, one with moderate dementia that is progressing quickly and the other spouse with severe illness that don't allow them to care for themselves. Siblings are in extreme disagreement over how to care for them. There is a daughter who lives near by and the current plan seems to be to put the full weight of elder care on her.
Better to come up with a plan early that includes home care but realized that at some point you need to pivot to a facility. And home care is only possible in this situation because someone is sacrificing their life entirely to make it happen.

You sound like you're talking about me. The guilt makes it so hard.

Usually, elderly people live with their children or in their own homes with help.

It is interesting how it will pan out for all of us (first gen immigrants) as we age here. My friend who is in her 60s, sold off her house in Frederick after her DH died a few years ago. She bought a house in Bethesda with her married son, where she has her own independent suite and shares the first floor common area in the house. And she has also bought a house with her daughter in Texas. Both of her children could not have afforded their homes in good school districts pyramids without her financial support. She has her own space/home which she has paid for, with both children. She is an extrovert who has her own friend circle, she is helping to raise her grandkids and run the homes (most of it is outsourced but grandma is there to keep an eye on things) and she has in a clever way already helped her kids with their inheritance.

However, right now, she is healthy. Who knows what her situation will be if she becomes infirm. Yes, a lot of logistics of her care (running the household, food, medicines, paying bills) will be easy because she is already staying with her kids, but life is so uncertain. We are watching her life unfold and everyone in our friend's circle is making plans for our own aging. What if we become infirm, disabled, lose our memory, lose our family, our spouse? Yes, it is frightening. But, we do not want to become a burden on our kids and if we live in a joint family we want to add value to our next generation.

In my experience, no. Usually, the biggest problem is food. My Indian grandmother never ate American food, even though she lived in this country for years. To put her in a nursing home where she would suddenly be served food she's never eaten before would be a huge shock, and downright cruel, imo. Maybe if there had been Indian nursing homes in the area, that would have been an option? But there weren't any, so we kept her with us.

Anonymous wrote:No, we do not. We take care of our parents and would never send them to a home.

This is a faulty generalization.

No, we do not. We take care of our parents and would never send them to a home.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think traditional Asian families tend to care for their elderly parents at home, if at all possible. It seems only Americans are eager to quickly find ‘a place for mom’ institution. Unless absolutely necessary, the American way is tragic.

Well that was quick, sigh. Asians can be Americans too. Especially if they're on DCUM

Boom! well done!

Cultural, typically no - first would to care for them in their own home (if nearby), then move them in, last resort would be nursing home.
Of course personal preference is a factor, my introverted dad wanted to pass at home; where my extroverted mom didn't mind a nursing home.

There are a couple of Thai women and a few Koreans at my mother in laws Sunrise assisted living.