Anonymous
Post 08/08/2022 15:28     Subject: If you never had/never wanted children by choice
I think it's telling that the conversation is about kidS, plural. We stopped at one and it's the best of both worlds, IMO. Aside from not picking up and moving across country, we have all of the time and freedom to have hobbies, travel, work, etc. Society is so anti-only children, and it's a shame. I wish more people would have an open mind. Would result in a lot of happier and more balanced families.
Anonymous
Post 08/08/2022 15:14     Subject: If you never had/never wanted children by choice
Anonymous wrote:There are a lot of posters on this thread to whom I would like to thank on behalf of the rest of us for not having kids lol.


Lol, we don't need you to thank us. Have fun fun when your kid is in their teens and hates you!
Anonymous
Post 08/08/2022 15:08     Subject: If you never had/never wanted children by choice
Anonymous wrote:There are a lot of posters on this thread to whom I would like to thank on behalf of the rest of us for not having kids lol.


I felt like there have been some really thoughtful answers. I’m appreciative of people sharing their experiences.
Anonymous
Post 08/08/2022 13:26     Subject: If you never had/never wanted children by choice
There are a lot of posters on this thread to whom I would like to thank on behalf of the rest of us for not having kids lol.
Anonymous
Post 08/08/2022 13:13     Subject: If you never had/never wanted children by choice
I chose not to have children because I don't think I could raise a mentally healthy female and wasn't going to do gender selection.

Specifically, I've dealt with eating disorders my entire adult life and would live with a constant paranoia of passing that on to my daughter. I feel like I'd try so hard to pass on a healthy view of food to her that I'd overcompensate and make it worse.

I guess you could say I didn't think it was fair to bring a child into my world with my mental instability.



So no kids for me.
Anonymous
Post 08/08/2022 13:07     Subject: Re:If you never had/never wanted children by choice
Anonymous wrote:Do any of you worry about old age and being by yourself? Not saying that your kids will 100% be there for you but in the majority of instances your kids will help.

My dad has an aunt and uncle who never had any kids. He is now taking care of them since they are in their late 80s/early 90s and having health issues. Not sure what would have happened if he didn't step up.

My mom is one of 4 kids and they all helped with their aging parents.

We have family friends who never had kids and the wife sort of just went batty. She never worked (even though she never had kids) and is just super odd like she lost direction in her life.


No, I have a childfree aunt. She's in her late 80s and has always taken care of herself. She still drives (locally) and Ubers when she needs to do longer trips to doctors. She's very self-sufficient and has planned for her care should something happen that makes her unable to care for herself.

Other than one cousin, none of my other cousins even live near their parents to be able to help out.

I think this is a point people like to make for having kids, but in real life, most don't end up caring for their parents. They may help them find an appropriate place to live, but they don't actually move them into their homes and care for them.
Anonymous
Post 08/08/2022 13:04     Subject: If you never had/never wanted children by choice
I grew up a foster kid. I never got to do what I wanted when I wanted, so tbh, I don't want a kid who will tie me down from, to be blunt, living a selfish life.

I like being able to sleep in on weekends and making plans on a whim. I got a dog during the pandemic (I know, I know) and I love him to death, but yeah, he definitely makes doing things on a whim more difficult. Prior to the pandemic dog, I'd see cheap tickets to Jamaica or Paris and just fly off for a long weekend. Now I have to make sure there's a daycare & boarding spot for my dog before any plans like that get made.

I don't hate or dislike kids, I just don't want any. Also, I don't want to risk passing on the mental health or addiction issues that are part of my medical history from my birth parents. I got the mental health issues part but luckily have avoided any addiction issues thus far.
Anonymous
Post 08/08/2022 12:45     Subject: Re:If you never had/never wanted children by choice
Anonymous wrote:Do any of you worry about old age and being by yourself? Not saying that your kids will 100% be there for you but in the majority of instances your kids will help.

My dad has an aunt and uncle who never had any kids. He is now taking care of them since they are in their late 80s/early 90s and having health issues. Not sure what would have happened if he didn't step up.

My mom is one of 4 kids and they all helped with their aging parents.

We have family friends who never had kids and the wife sort of just went batty. She never worked (even though she never had kids) and is just super odd like she lost direction in her life.



As someone who actually works with the elderly I can tell you that the majority don't care for their parents and those that go often do a terrible job of it.oftrn creating more stress than help.

Trying to shame people to have kids because oh noz they won't have anyone to care for them is just ignorant.

I've noticed people without kids are much better at planning for end of life care.


Anonymous
Post 08/08/2022 12:26     Subject: If you never had/never wanted children by choice
I have no kids, 45 YO and married for 12 years. My husband and I went back and forth on it- it wasn't a "I hate children" thing. I knew he was leaning towards no, but would have them. I grew up in a big family, LMC. When I started making real money and traveling the world, I kind of was like, I think this is what I want. I have a very happy marriage. Very rarely fight (not much to fight about). I do feel bad for my MIL (who I like) that she is not going to experience grand children. She would have been an awesome grandmother. My parents were very supportive. Being the youngest in a big family, they had their fill. They didn't embrace the grandparent role anyway since they had so many kids. I also work in education, so I do get fulfillment there. They only thing that I worry about is what it will look like when we are older and need help. I basically told my nieces and nephews that whomever pitches in to make sure I am not soiling myself gets all the $$$
Anonymous
Post 08/08/2022 12:14     Subject: Re:If you never had/never wanted children by choice
Anonymous wrote:I will speak only for myself/DH and how our decision was reached. We are almost 50, and made the permanent decision when we were, I think 32 or 33 when DH was able to convince a Dr to give him a vasectomy. A lot of time and careful thinking went into the decision, and we did talk to several older coworkers and friends who did not have kids and said they did not regret the choice. We have been married almost 30 years, we are each other's best friend and fiercest ally - for context.

When we were in our late 20s and finishing up grad school/just launching careers, we started the discussion of kids - when, how many, etc. We are both very logical/analytical thinkers and we looked at kids much like a major purchase - because kids are a huge investment and you can't return them if you get one you don't like, you're stuck with what you get, there are no guarantees here. You can't go shopping and pick out the best one on the shelf. We watched a lot of our friends deal with special needs kids, and even the "normal" kid raising didn't look like fun, it just looked like... more work. And as much as women want to think we have made progress, the bulk of child rearing falls to us. Yes, there are some equal-share partnerships with child rearing, but if we're honest, most work falls on the mother of the kids and honestly, I didn't want to do that after slogging through an 8 hour workday then have to be the "on" parent for the rest of the day/week/year/life. I've watched almost all of my friends with kids harbor some sort of resentment towards their spouses when it comes to their kids - they don't say it outright, but the nonverbals and snarky comments come out in conversations. Almost 3/4 of our coupled friends with kids divorced within 5 years of having kids - watching that happen was eye-opening.

Then there are the financial aspects of it, which is a lot.

I wish more people would really sit down and think about kids, not just the warm fuzzy stuff, but the hard stuff that comes with it, if you do it right. Because maybe if people thought about it, the time, expense, heartache, hard work, sleepless nights, the worrying, we would not have so many kids in trouble these days.



I was really impressed with what you wrote until I read the bolded part. No one knows what goes on in somebody else's marriage, and most married people do have kids, so you're simply in no position to assume that the kids had anything to do with the divorce.
Beyond that, the fact is that 3/4 of married people with kids generally DON'T get divorced -- your friend group is unusual. So your anecdote about your friends with kids all divorcing goes contrary to the rule and suggests that you are judgmental. And with that, you lost me.
Anonymous
Post 08/08/2022 12:06     Subject: Re:If you never had/never wanted children by choice
Having kids because you’ll hope they’ll care for you in old age seems rather crass.
Besides, aren’t all these twenty and thirty somethings still living with their parents? Don’t a significant number of children have special needs?
Anonymous
Post 08/08/2022 11:59     Subject: Re:If you never had/never wanted children by choice
I’m childless, not child free, and come from a large family where everyone marries and has kids, or at least wanted to.
Yet I find your question a bit odd. As an adult (I’m now in my late 40s), I’ve known at least as many people who chose not to take the married with children route as those who did. Generally it’s been due to their career paths. My friends who are diplomats, doctors working with MSF, professional musicians, writers, never really even considered it. Some of my more settled peers adopted special needs children or older children. (I myself am considering adopting a teenager). I know very few couples who are even married. And in my parents’ circle, everyone has been married for 50 plus years.

I guess I just don’t know many people who live conventional lives, in the traditional sense.
Anonymous
Post 08/08/2022 11:10     Subject: Re:If you never had/never wanted children by choice
Anonymous wrote:Do any of you worry about old age and being by yourself? Not saying that your kids will 100% be there for you but in the majority of instances your kids will help.

My dad has an aunt and uncle who never had any kids. He is now taking care of them since they are in their late 80s/early 90s and having health issues. Not sure what would have happened if he didn't step up.

My mom is one of 4 kids and they all helped with their aging parents.

We have family friends who never had kids and the wife sort of just went batty. She never worked (even though she never had kids) and is just super odd like she lost direction in her life.


I am one of the PPs who never wanted kids, and doesn't have them - and yes, I do worry about old age. Not so much the being by myself part (though that would be terrible). I am married to someone I love, and we have each other - and if gd forbid a hundred million times I were to lose him, I like to think I would still find a companion. Of course nothing is guaranteed.

But yes, having adult children looks nice to me. Having grandkids. My mother has a lot of health problems and I do a lot of research and advocacy for her, and yes it worries me that no one will do that for me. (My husband, who is brilliant, is not good at advocacy. He wouldn't know how to research rehab options if it were needed, for example, or to ask a doctor to try out other treatment options besides the one that was presented to him.)

So yeah. I worry about later in life stuff. But I didn't want to have kids just to hedge against that. I made my tradeoffs.
Anonymous
Post 08/08/2022 11:07     Subject: Re:If you never had/never wanted children by choice
Anonymous wrote:Do any of you worry about old age and being by yourself? Not saying that your kids will 100% be there for you but in the majority of instances your kids will help.

My dad has an aunt and uncle who never had any kids. He is now taking care of them since they are in their late 80s/early 90s and having health issues. Not sure what would have happened if he didn't step up.

My mom is one of 4 kids and they all helped with their aging parents.

We have family friends who never had kids and the wife sort of just went batty. She never worked (even though she never had kids) and is just super odd like she lost direction in her life.


I'm the PP with two childfree aunts. They both have robust estate planning (with trusts, insurance, etc) to cover their own end of life care. One moved herself into an assisted living community when she was still healthy and active so she could be settled and make friends there before she needed the medical assistance. I plan to provide emotional and decision-making/legal support to them if and when they need it, just as I would for my parents and come to think of it my childless godmother. The same is true for most older childfree people I know -- they all have community connections through informal adoption of nieces and nephews, being godparents, etc. Basically, I think it takes a village to grow old, just like it does to raise a child, and that village can be whatever mix of blood relations, close friends, geographically convenient folks, and paid help that works for the person in question.
Anonymous
Post 08/08/2022 09:59     Subject: Re:If you never had/never wanted children by choice
Anonymous wrote:Do any of you worry about old age and being by yourself? Not saying that your kids will 100% be there for you but in the majority of instances your kids will help.

My dad has an aunt and uncle who never had any kids. He is now taking care of them since they are in their late 80s/early 90s and having health issues. Not sure what would have happened if he didn't step up.

My mom is one of 4 kids and they all helped with their aging parents.

We have family friends who never had kids and the wife sort of just went batty. She never worked (even though she never had kids) and is just super odd like she lost direction in her life.


PP 9:09

We've made legal arrangements already, trusts, medical directives, medical POA. We have a trusted estate attorney and close friends/relatives who are executors of our estate. Our biggest issue is who will inherit a lot of property and money, look after our pets, if any, after we are gone. We're in the process of setting up scholarships at our alma maters for students in certain academic programs, all our animals have money set aside for their care for the remainder of their lives, generous donations to animal rescues for care (we also have horses I don't want to see end up in a bad situation).