Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I thought the whole point was to accept people for whatever they identify as?

So if a completely straight heterosexual couple wants to identify as queer, who the F is anyone to question them?

That’s was the WHOLE POINT. Stop being so damned hypocritical and bigoted.

Between the non-Queer pot stirrers (and lazy, unoriginal ones at that) and the terrified parents, this part of DCUM has become unusable.

There are people with different opinions and that’s as it should be. If it’s become unusable to you, consider your own point of view.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Queer/lesbian. I really try not to judge-the big tent of a wide variety of people who identify as queer keeps us all safer and who am I to say who people feel themselves to be. And, I do judge a little bit-a couple of white women who got really involved in progressive politics and realized that they were queer and disabled. Cynically, I think they were uncomfortable being straight and white on that political scene and needed to find a minoritized identity or two. And male/female couples who are only queer because they hook up with women as a third, not my thing at all, but as long as it's all consensual they aren't hurting anyone.

I think this is spot-on -- I don't question people's self-identification as queer (it can be complicated -- I know plenty of people who present to the world as cis and/or straight whose private identity is genderqueer or bi/pan in a hetero relationship) but I do think being straight/cis/white in an activist space can push people for whom labels can be flexible (e.g. someone in a hetero relationship who has experienced same sex attraction in the past could embrace either straight or bi) to choose the queerer label to feel less like they are the oppressor. As long as they aren't talking loudly over people I don't mind.

So if grown adults find it uncomfortable to present to the world as cis, it stands to reason that children and teens will too. Schools have become activist environments, and this is a great reason why they should not be.

I know a couple like this. They are in an open marriage and they mostly have sexual relations with each other, but periodically one or the other will have one night stands or short-term FWB. They have mostly had opposite sex partners, but both have had at least one same sex partner. They consider themselves pan-sexual (ala Capt Jack in Torchwood), so they call themselves queer for simplicity. Not my scene, but they seem to have a happy relationship.

Bisexual people exist. It's an identity regardless of how their current relationship presents. It's the B in LGBTQIA. If someone is non-monogamous and has (or previously had) sex and/or relationships with people of multiple genders, why is that not part of the queer community?

My cousin and her DH do this, because they have an open marriage and sometimes have threesomes. It's not what I think of as queer, but it is different from a typical hetero monogamous marriage. She is a gender studies professor so there is probably some element of wanting to have an identity to give her credibility in that space.

Another couple I know both identify as non-binary although they present in a pretty typical cisgender way

I guess both terms are catch-alls so it's not a surprise that a lot of people use them

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s “in-group” vs “out-group”. They want to belong to the “in-group” which today is made up of people who self-identify as queer. So they can’t be boring, straight, married people.

I think usually it’s one of the options others have identified (one or both are bi, one or both are non-binary, one or both are trans) but I do think this happens sometimes too. But rarely. You have to be in a community where being straight/cis is actually considered negative or “boring”. That’s incredibly rare. But I was once in a workplace/friend group where this was the attitude, and there were some straight folks in the group who started identifying as queer even though they didn’t change their orientation or gender. I don’t think it was totally disingenuous though. I honestly think being around people who think being straight/cis is less interesting can make people question the binary nature of their gender and sexuality. It makes them think “well yeah maybe if I’d explored it more before marriage I’d be less straight or less cis.”

But that’s very different than actually being gay or non-binary or trans. By that measure, most people are LGBTQ+, based on research like the Kinsey scale.

This does happen and these people are absolutely queer. Some queer people try to invalidate others, especially bisexual people in heterosexual relationships because these bisexual people aren't experiencing the same degree of suffering and loss of friends and family. Unfortunately for cis bi people, from the other side, bi women in heterosexual relationships are often told they're "going through a phase" by cishet people and bi men are told they're just "closeted gay". in many ways, bi people are invalidated from both directions and I think it's important to remember that they exist and that they're valid queer people regardless of the degree of suffering they've had to experience. I wish no queer people had to give up their families to be themselves but that's the world we live in, even today. For the lucky queer people that aren't bi that kept everyone in their lives after coming out, are they any less queer because they're gay or trans and aren't suffering as much as others? Of course not.

Anonymous wrote:It’s “in-group” vs “out-group”. They want to belong to the “in-group” which today is made up of people who self-identify as queer. So they can’t be boring, straight, married people.

I think usually it’s one of the options others have identified (one or both are bi, one or both are non-binary, one or both are trans) but I do think this happens sometimes too. But rarely. You have to be in a community where being straight/cis is actually considered negative or “boring”. That’s incredibly rare. But I was once in a workplace/friend group where this was the attitude, and there were some straight folks in the group who started identifying as queer even though they didn’t change their orientation or gender. I don’t think it was totally disingenuous though. I honestly think being around people who think being straight/cis is less interesting can make people question the binary nature of their gender and sexuality. It makes them think “well yeah maybe if I’d explored it more before marriage I’d be less straight or less cis.”

But that’s very different than actually being gay or non-binary or trans. By that measure, most people are LGBTQ+, based on research like the Kinsey scale.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sometimes get straight cis people calling themselves queer because they're poly or into kink, which makes me roll my eyes but does happen. They also might be one or both bisexual. Some people like that might call themselves queer.

Personally, I'm cis and straight but I'm married to a trans man (I'm also a man, we don't have sex anymore). I'd never call myself queer, but my family is (even when he passes we look like two guys), so my language there shifts depending on context. Obviously that doesn't sound like what's happening here, but a reminder that things can be complicated.

You should do an AMA. Did he transition after you married? And you stayed married even though you are straight?

I was just going to say this - I'm more interested in the lack of sex and staying married. But, interesting back story.

+1 I agree you should do an AMA if you're interested. I've heard a lot of stories of husbands transitioning but not many where the wife does.

Probably a straight couple where one (usually the female) identities as non-binary.

Anonymous wrote:I hope this is not offensive. Is this a thing? An acquaintance and her boyfriend, both of whom are cisgender, are telling people that they are queer. What does this mean? It feels like weird appropriation but maybe I’m missing something.

They could be bi or asexual or any number of things. If you really care why don't you ask. Are you assuming they're cisgender or have they told you?

Anonymous wrote:DH claims he’s a lesbian trapped in a mans body. 🤷‍♂️

I'm embarrassed for you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sometimes get straight cis people calling themselves queer because they're poly or into kink, which makes me roll my eyes but does happen. They also might be one or both bisexual. Some people like that might call themselves queer.

Personally, I'm cis and straight but I'm married to a trans man (I'm also a man, we don't have sex anymore). I'd never call myself queer, but my family is (even when he passes we look like two guys), so my language there shifts depending on context. Obviously that doesn't sound like what's happening here, but a reminder that things can be complicated.

You should do an AMA. Did he transition after you married? And you stayed married even though you are straight?

I was just going to say this - I'm more interested in the lack of sex and staying married. But, interesting back story.

Anonymous wrote:DH claims he’s a lesbian trapped in a mans body. 🤷‍♂️

Please tell him from me that that joke was over in 1988.

DH claims he’s a lesbian trapped in a mans body. 🤷‍♂️

It’s “in-group” vs “out-group”. They want to belong to the “in-group” which today is made up of people who self-identify as queer. So they can’t be boring, straight, married people.