Cut her off, know that she is abusive to all. Nothing is her fault, ever?
relationship with the truth? She doesn't' know what the truth is, does she?
Does she lie and imagine some life for herself that is not even close to actual truth?
Which kid is her scape goat?

Narcissist, burns bridges, moves from her supply that is not compliant, nothing is ever her fault, am I right?

I have a similar BIL who additionally has delusions, though thank God no kids. The guns make it extra terrifying (my BIL also has them, thank you NRA for making it easy for a mentally ill man with delusions to have guns 🤬). You need to do the following based on my experience:

Start documenting everything. Keep a notebook of calls, keep harassing VMs, save texts. You will need a record if it escalates to the point of a restraining order, and you have a good chance of getting to that point.

Practice neutrality and let go of any concern about whether there is any basis in fact for the nasty stuff she says. We accept as fact anything my BIL says in conversation with him. Nothing we say will shake his delusions and it triggers uncontrollable anger in him. “Is that so?” “Really sorry you are feeling that way.” “Mmm-hmmm.” This is really hard to do, but your life will be easier if you can manage it.

If you have a workplace with a professional HR department that you trust, let them know that you have a relative with escalating mental illness who may try to harass you at work. This is to protect yourself in case she starts emailing/calling the company — if there is a record of warning about it, they can act more quickly if she starts harassing you at work. Note that this one is really a judgment call because some workplaces may not be sophisticated enough to handle this well, so be careful with it.

Slowly block her on social media. You can gradually do this on Facebook with sharing lists. I would consider cutting back on social media as a whole, not just for her, so she doesn’t think you are cutting her off. “We aren’t using social media as much” if she asks.

Slowly stop seeing her. Just be busy.

Get therapy yourself. The illness controls your sister, and you can have compassion for her, but nothing excuses abusive behavior. You have become used to being abused, and you need to work on establishing boundaries.

Finally, I don’t have advice about her kids, but my God, those poor babies. We don’t have to deal with that fortunately. I would consider trying to keep lines of communication open to them. Send them gifts, etc.

She sounds very much like my sister. I essentially cut her off about 12ish years ago after doing a slow fade for a few years. She's a miserable person who wants everyone else to be miserable too. She has times when she's fun, but the bad outweighs the good by a long shot. I got a lot of flack from my family after cutting her off (basically by ignoring her emails and blocking her on social media.) When I stopped caring, she turned on other family members and then they started to get it and I don't get as much flack anymore.

You just have to cut the strings, stop being her puppet, and stop caring what anyone else thinks about you stepping away.

Anonymous wrote:You can't change her behavior, OP, and she can't change without professional care. Waiting for her to change is magical thinking -- you have plenty of evidence that she can't do that.

Disengage, consider getting therapy for yourself, and focus on what's best for you and your family.

Best wishes, OP. I had a brother who was mentally ill and it's very hard not to be able to help, but, unless you're a therapist, you can't.

Even therapists have a very hard time with borderline personalities. It’s not unheard of for them to terminate treatment with these clients. It’s rare for those afflicted to take responsibility for their problems, which is necessary for effective therapy.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:TLDR
Borderline personality disorder is my armchair diagnosis.

Totally agree with this. Classic behavior. Read a book called “Stop Walking on Eggshells”.

+1 textbook.

You can't change her behavior, OP, and she can't change without professional care. Waiting for her to change is magical thinking -- you have plenty of evidence that she can't do that.

Disengage, consider getting therapy for yourself, and focus on what's best for you and your family.

Best wishes, OP. I had a brother who was mentally ill and it's very hard not to be able to help, but, unless you're a therapist, you can't.

This sounds a lot like my mom. I keep her as far at arms length as I can. I rarely answer her calls, she talks to my kids briefly maybe once/month, I rarely see her (she lives 20 mins away). I am always there for her financially, when she cant pay rent or her phone is cut off or she needs groceries. Otherwise, Ive had a lifetime of her and Im done. Dont want to see her more than I have to. So I just tell her that we travel on holidays, arent doing anything for Mothers Day, etc. I humor her delusions of grandeurs when we do speak and she is in her crazy unrealistic imaginary place. When she is in a bad place and blaming me for all of her woes, and I unfortunately answered the phone, I am either strict with her or else I just hang up like she does when a conversation doesnt go her way.

Close the door.

Anonymous wrote:TLDR
Borderline personality disorder is my armchair diagnosis.

+ 1

Out of the Fog website - https://outofthefog.website/
Dr Ramani on YouTube

I feel that your mom has Dependent Personality Disorder.

The only way out of this is ghosting and gray rocking. To start with, withdraw and get off your social media.

Just wanted to send you empathy as someone with a very similar sister with an actual diagnosis and a history of hospitalizations. This depends on your state but it will be very hard to get an order of protection and get the courts involved. You might want to look into civil anti-harassment orders if only to understand the terms and collect information to support filing one if you ever want to.

My sister creates most of her chaos online or by phone, so I keep a running document with time and date stamps of harassing calls, social media incidents, emails, etc. I’ll probably never take legal action but it helps my mental state to keep records. It gives me a sense of control over something that is truly out of my control- and yours. I recommend keeping a log of your own.

Agree with everyone that you might want to read “Stop Walking on Eggshells.”

Anonymous wrote:72
Hour
Hold
I feel Sorry for her kids, they should not be subjected to that

Nothing posted here will get her a 72 hour hold. Not how it works, and hasn’t for many years.

I am not an expert in any way, but this sounds a lot like borderline personality disorder. Unfortunately, it's nearly impossible to treat because the person will never admit they are the one who needs treatment.

Cut her off.

DH asked if I would consider getting the courts involved, due to the threats, but I feel as though that would just make things worse. In my heart of hearts, I believe that this will blow over like everything else and she will soon be messaging me to ask what kind of lawnmower we have and do we like it.

I'm not an expert, but I think getting the courts involved here may just blow up the situation further.

I'm not telling you not to be vigilant, but even though she escalated here it seems to fit her pattern. I honestly think just backing away/detaching is the right thing to do at this point. If she blocks you on social media, don't respond. If she accuses you of something in a text, don't respond. If you have to respond because it's in person or on the phone, you say, I'm sorry you feel that way Larla. I don't think we should talk anymore right now and remove yourself from the situation.

I think you have to think of your sister like she is a fire. Yesterday she was at Burning Down California Level. Tomorrow she might be at Dying Ember asking about the lawnmower. Your goal is to accept that any interaction is fuel and decide how much you can afford to engage, if at all.