Anonymous wrote:Desperate for suggestions, please!! I’m sick of it!! Husband will ask where are dd’s shirts instead of walking into room to figure it out. What did the email from school say instead of reading it. What time did she wake up from nap instead of looking on the camera app. Is there milk in the fridge instead of using your functioning legs to walk to the fridge and look.
I AM TIRED.

I work full time. I need a same level playing field partner who takes initiative and has basic decency to try to look around and see what needs to get done, vs someone who is like my college intern, expecting me to be the manager and repository of all.

I set up this dynamic for too long and it’s time for a change. How do you recommend to handle some of the above examples?

I find that “where’d you look?” as a first response to any question that starts with “where is …/where are …/ do we have any …” was helpful in reminding spouse and kids that they should at least take a look themselves first, before asking me. And it’s productive: if they legitimately are looking for an actually missing thing (vs asking me because they know I’ll know and can’t be bothered to look themselves first), I know where they’ve already checked.

I think this is a situation where you need to change your feelings/reaction instead of changing his behavior. His behavior could be viewed innocuously if you just assume he's blurting it out thinking you might know off the top of your head. So instead of feeling stressed and responsible, just let.it.go. "I don't know hon" and then forget about it. Let him figure it out.

Basically I think the key to a successful marriage is giving the benefit of the doubt and grace as much as you can. Assume he just thought you'd know, not that he's asking you to get up and peek in the fridge.

And if it persists after that, then you can negotiate how you want things to be done. My husband used to ask me questions he knew I didn't know the answer to about pop culture, and I did point out that it seemed like he was treating me like Siri and asking me to look stuff up when he could do it himself. And he laughed and said, oops, yes, I don't know why I do that. So he's learned to just Google his own questions. But IMO the key is to navigate these situations without building up resentment. If you need to, say your piece. Otherwise, assume positive intentions and move on.

The person that thinks they carry the mental load is almost a narcissist who only considers the things they do and the things their partner does never register.

The things they do are important. The things their partner does are not or "I would do it but I just let them handle."

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I am starting to view it as a fundamental lack of respect for me and my time. Literally he won’t make the effort to walk over to the fridge and see if we have milk? Can’t be bothered to do anything himself- forget foresight and thinking ahead of what needs to be done.

I legitimately have to ask him to clean up after himself. I cannot imagine doing this for another ten years. Forget till we are old I’ll end up trying to stick a fork in his eye

I think you have to try to stop viewing it that way. There are lots of other reasons he might be acting this way, including the possibility that so far this has been the dynamic and he thinks you’re basically fine with it.

What makes people respect you is boundaries. You have to stop hoping he will change just because you ask him to or because it bothers you. Men don’t respond to words, they respond to action. And give him some grace, this will take time to change.

+1 you need to work on setting boundaries OP. Your husband needs to work on stuff too, but you can’t control him, so work on yourself first. Responding with snarkiness or anger will not improve the situation. You need to have a calm convo with DH about what is going on, and how these questions are sometimes triggering your anger since you feel you are responsible for a disproportionate amount of work running the family. Acknowledge that you should have brought this problem up sooner instead of letting it fester. Before you discuss this, I would write down all the routine aspects of running a household (lawn, house repairs, trash, cars, heath appointments, etc etc) and who is doing those tasks now. It could be your husband is doing more than your realize. Maybe not. Once you have a clear picture, set up a meeting with DH to discuss family tasks and agree on who is responsible for what. If he’s not willing to do this, even when you’ve approached the situation very rationally and without anger, that tells you a lot about who he is.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I am starting to view it as a fundamental lack of respect for me and my time. Literally he won’t make the effort to walk over to the fridge and see if we have milk? Can’t be bothered to do anything himself- forget foresight and thinking ahead of what needs to be done.

I view it as you being so fundamentally fragile that simple and harmless questions are breaking you.

LMAO at all the DCUM women who claim to be Strong and Independent and also "OMG he asked if we have milk such questions impose a punishing emotional load I am exhausted and can't take it any more!"

Gaslighting, awesome. Misogyny, awesome. Flip the script…if the q is so simple and harmless, why doesn’t the other person figure it out or TRY to figure it out? Or are you saying it’s a woman’s responsibility to manage and be aware of all, and the man doesn’t have a responsibility to know and act on basic goings on of the home?

Anonymous wrote:Asking where stuff is honestly doesn’t sound too bad “in the bottom drawer!” Or “I don’t know I didn’t read it.”

If I asked my husband if we had onions and he told me to “look yourself” I’d be pissed.

When it’s your agreed upon responsibility to handle dinner every x day , and breakfast every y day, asking if there is food to eat/cook and milk to drink is an insult. It’s not a surprise. God willing, the same days come around every week. No sense of planning or preparing ahead. No sense to walk over and even look? Ridiculous.

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I am starting to view it as a fundamental lack of respect for me and my time. Literally he won’t make the effort to walk over to the fridge and see if we have milk? Can’t be bothered to do anything himself- forget foresight and thinking ahead of what needs to be done.

I view it as you being so fundamentally fragile that simple and harmless questions are breaking you.

LMAO at all the DCUM women who claim to be Strong and Independent and also "OMG he asked if we have milk such questions impose a punishing emotional load I am exhausted and can't take it any more!"

Asking where stuff is honestly doesn’t sound too bad “in the bottom drawer!” Or “I don’t know I didn’t read it.”

If I asked my husband if we had onions and he told me to “look yourself” I’d be pissed.

My husband is an ask-er.

One day I explained to him The mental toll it took with all of the questions from him and the kids. He didn’t realize it. After we talked about it things are a lot better and he still asks but I also recognize that he’s trying.

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I am starting to view it as a fundamental lack of respect for me and my time. Literally he won’t make the effort to walk over to the fridge and see if we have milk? Can’t be bothered to do anything himself- forget foresight and thinking ahead of what needs to be done.

I legitimately have to ask him to clean up after himself. I cannot imagine doing this for another ten years. Forget till we are old I’ll end up trying to stick a fork in his eye

I think you have to try to stop viewing it that way. There are lots of other reasons he might be acting this way, including the possibility that so far this has been the dynamic and he thinks you’re basically fine with it.

What makes people respect you is boundaries. You have to stop hoping he will change just because you ask him to or because it bothers you. Men don’t respond to words, they respond to action. And give him some grace, this will take time to change.

Anonymous wrote:DH will come here soon and post "how do I handle the mental load of not being allowed to ask my wife simple questions without her flying into a rage and screaming that she is tired"?

We’re kind of a divide and conquer family also and we divide by who is the most controlling or capable of the category. It really didn’t work for us to both deal with medical and school issues because the needs were complicated and my spouse just was never as good as I was at it. But therr are a whole host of things I never ever get involved with like cars and going to the bank. I don’t even get my own gas unless I’m on a trip by myself.

We do sometimes fall into the trap of “where’s this?”, “what time is that event?”, “is there a game on Labor Day weekend?”, “where are the kid’s shirts”. But if it is really so hard to answer this civilly then it seems like there might be other issues because really, how hard is it to just say “I don’t know” if you don’t or to just answer if you do.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Start practicing non combative responses.

Where are dd's shirts - in the top drawer (do not get up and show)
What did the email say -
I did not get around to reading it yet.

Tips - put his name 1st on the school / daycare contact forms. School directory etc.

Catch 22 to making him the contact person- not sure I’m confident for him to read the emails/handle the calls etc

Right, and he’ll fail and he’ll have to fix the mess. I’d did everything for the first few years, got ragey and exhausted, and then we split things up. DH does all things medical and dental. I do everything that involves submitting forms or signing up for stuff.

DH is also one who asks things like “Have we found the lost baseball jersey yet?” which really means “have you found the jersey yet.” A few years ago I started doing a bland “I dunno, do you?” for all of it. It’s gotten much better, but even when he still does it I don’t feel ragey about it. I’m not your servant. Do it yourself.

I’ve never allowed him to fail. Someone is always Saving his @ss and he has no repercussions

Anonymous wrote:How to drop the rope: Train yourself to pause when he’s done asking. Then stop answering these inane questions. Clearly he keeps doing it because it’s working.

What did the email say?
I don’t know.

What time did Larla wake up from her nap?
I don’t know.

Is there milk in the fridge?
I don’t know.

You:Have you ever asked him why he’s doing this? “Bob, in the last two days, you’ve asked me about things that you are perfectly capable of figuring out. (Give examples) Why are you doing that?
Him: It’s just faster and easier.
You: So you believe that on top of the responsibilities I have at work and here with our children, it’s also my responsibility to make your life easier by answering questions and doing tasks you’re perfectly capable of. Do I have that correct?
Him: Well, why wouldn’t you want to make things easier. I’m working hard, too.
You: We are both working hard. And there are plenty of ways I do try to make your life easier. This cannot be one of them. So from now on, my response will be a simple “I don’t know.” I trust that you are more than capable enough of figuring it out.

A lot of helpful stuff in here thank you 🙏🏽
Definitely need to have that convo. Can’t wait for dh’s defensiveness

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Start practicing non combative responses.

Where are dd's shirts - in the top drawer (do not get up and show)
What did the email say -
I did not get around to reading it yet.

Tips - put his name 1st on the school / daycare contact forms. School directory etc.

Catch 22 to making him the contact person- not sure I’m confident for him to read the emails/handle the calls etc

Right, and he’ll fail and he’ll have to fix the mess. I’d did everything for the first few years, got ragey and exhausted, and then we split things up. DH does all things medical and dental. I do everything that involves submitting forms or signing up for stuff.

DH is also one who asks things like “Have we found the lost baseball jersey yet?” which really means “have you found the jersey yet.” A few years ago I started doing a bland “I dunno, do you?” for all of it. It’s gotten much better, but even when he still does it I don’t feel ragey about it. I’m not your servant. Do it yourself.

How to drop the rope: Train yourself to pause when he’s done asking. Then stop answering these inane questions. Clearly he keeps doing it because it’s working.

What did the email say?
I don’t know.

What time did Larla wake up from her nap?
I don’t know.

Is there milk in the fridge?
I don’t know.

You:Have you ever asked him why he’s doing this? “Bob, in the last two days, you’ve asked me about things that you are perfectly capable of figuring out. (Give examples) Why are you doing that?
Him: It’s just faster and easier.
You: So you believe that on top of the responsibilities I have at work and here with our children, it’s also my responsibility to make your life easier by answering questions and doing tasks you’re perfectly capable of. Do I have that correct?
Him: Well, why wouldn’t you want to make things easier. I’m working hard, too.
You: We are both working hard. And there are plenty of ways I do try to make your life easier. This cannot be one of them. So from now on, my response will be a simple “I don’t know.” I trust that you are more than capable enough of figuring it out.