Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was a case worker for mentally I’ll older people, and things are much more stable for people who own their home. People who rent or live in governement housing can be evicted, and landlords will work to evict mentally ill people who are disruptive, don’t pay the rent, frighten others, hoard, etc. You can’t take away someone’s housing for those things if they own it!

Could you buy her a tiny house so she’ll have a place to live? That would reduce substantially her risk of homelessness.

As a PP said, I institutionalization isn’t a thing anymore for the mentally ill. It is for the developmentally delayed or those with physical impairments that prevent self care (like eating and toileting). She should already be on disability - if not, work on that.

This is good advice and the pp that mentioned letting her have mother's home if she owns it - great idea. Likely she WILL need to live on her own until there are other reasons so living in mom's home would give her a stable spot. Ways you could help would be things like - paying for people to come take care of the yard once a month, having someone come clean and generally doing some house upkeep so the house doesn't fall into TOTAL disrepair as she likely won't be able to keep up with all of that and will lead to a better quality of life for her if it's taken care of and she can just focus on groceries, etc. Also, it's possible that her daughter will provide a very supportive role if she is 20+ when this happens. Though it would be VERY kind of you to help her navigate it, and potentially provide some funds if you are able so that her mom's quality of life can stay ok.

My husband and I would like to avoid her daughter having to take care of her. We have seen what a burden that can be. Given the location of their town and the economy there it would basically mean the daughter would give up her life. She is so smart and deserves every chance to go to college (we are paying for her to go to college). I just don't want her stuck in this very poor rural town with nothing to do for the rest of her mom's life. I also think she already resents her mom as she has been essentially been the adult in their relationship her entire life so far (she helps makes sure her mom eats). I don't know it just sucks.

Pp here. It really does suck op, I'm so sorry. For all of you (sister very much included). I appreciate this and is a great thing to provide your support to sister and niece so that niece isn't completely burdened by this. It is possible that daughter will still WANT to have more interaction and involvement than you anticipate. It may not be the case, but in many cases especially for a child that has been parentified like you describe, the entanglement can sometimes be a lot AND at the end of the day she will be considered the closest relative once she's over 18 (and in most states the power of attorney by default unless new forms are signed) so, you may want to prepare yourself to support her and let her be involved in some of the decisions. If you all are taking on much of this (having groceries delivered, having someone take care of the yard) it can take a burden off. And it may still be tough for your niece to leave. Mostly I just want to say keep your expectations to a minimum and try to go in with the understanding that this will likely be very complicated for your niece, despite your generous offer to pay for college so be empathic as she navigates this and tries to learn how to have boundaries with her mom.

The pp above had some good advice and I wanted to say is there a reason instead of buying a new property that when mother dies you could just pay off the mortgage of the current property? It may be a lot easier on your SIL to remain in the place she knows and is comfortable and easier on all of you than trying to move her. It's just something to consider.

Mainly just the size of the property (and it I kind of old and not in the best of shape). But it is a large house with a large yard so it seems like a lot to take care of.

ok that makes total sense! Buying her a small place somewhere else does sound way more reasonable but will still give her stability without a landlord etc.

Anonymous wrote:pp the potential for home care through the state would be through a Medicaid waiver, just to help you get started. Each state has different types of medicaid waivers so it's complex (and therefore some states have more services than others). I don't know Texas but given the politics of the state, usually those states will unfortunately have the least services available (and the most poverty!) and you are right finding services in the small town is another barrier. Thinking creatively - when the time comes, maybe you all pay out of pocket to someone in the town to do some of the general upkeep. If you could find someone trustworthy who needs extra income since it sounds like many there struggle.

But like we said first steps are Medicaid, food stamps, and disability so she has some income coming in.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was a case worker for mentally I’ll older people, and things are much more stable for people who own their home. People who rent or live in governement housing can be evicted, and landlords will work to evict mentally ill people who are disruptive, don’t pay the rent, frighten others, hoard, etc. You can’t take away someone’s housing for those things if they own it!

Could you buy her a tiny house so she’ll have a place to live? That would reduce substantially her risk of homelessness.

As a PP said, I institutionalization isn’t a thing anymore for the mentally ill. It is for the developmentally delayed or those with physical impairments that prevent self care (like eating and toileting). She should already be on disability - if not, work on that.

This is good advice and the pp that mentioned letting her have mother's home if she owns it - great idea. Likely she WILL need to live on her own until there are other reasons so living in mom's home would give her a stable spot. Ways you could help would be things like - paying for people to come take care of the yard once a month, having someone come clean and generally doing some house upkeep so the house doesn't fall into TOTAL disrepair as she likely won't be able to keep up with all of that and will lead to a better quality of life for her if it's taken care of and she can just focus on groceries, etc. Also, it's possible that her daughter will provide a very supportive role if she is 20+ when this happens. Though it would be VERY kind of you to help her navigate it, and potentially provide some funds if you are able so that her mom's quality of life can stay ok.

My husband and I would like to avoid her daughter having to take care of her. We have seen what a burden that can be. Given the location of their town and the economy there it would basically mean the daughter would give up her life. She is so smart and deserves every chance to go to college (we are paying for her to go to college). I just don't want her stuck in this very poor rural town with nothing to do for the rest of her mom's life. I also think she already resents her mom as she has been essentially been the adult in their relationship her entire life so far (she helps makes sure her mom eats). I don't know it just sucks.

Pp here. It really does suck op, I'm so sorry. For all of you (sister very much included). I appreciate this and is a great thing to provide your support to sister and niece so that niece isn't completely burdened by this. It is possible that daughter will still WANT to have more interaction and involvement than you anticipate. It may not be the case, but in many cases especially for a child that has been parentified like you describe, the entanglement can sometimes be a lot AND at the end of the day she will be considered the closest relative once she's over 18 (and in most states the power of attorney by default unless new forms are signed) so, you may want to prepare yourself to support her and let her be involved in some of the decisions. If you all are taking on much of this (having groceries delivered, having someone take care of the yard) it can take a burden off. And it may still be tough for your niece to leave. Mostly I just want to say keep your expectations to a minimum and try to go in with the understanding that this will likely be very complicated for your niece, despite your generous offer to pay for college so be empathic as she navigates this and tries to learn how to have boundaries with her mom.

The pp above had some good advice and I wanted to say is there a reason instead of buying a new property that when mother dies you could just pay off the mortgage of the current property? It may be a lot easier on your SIL to remain in the place she knows and is comfortable and easier on all of you than trying to move her. It's just something to consider.

Mainly just the size of the property (and it I kind of old and not in the best of shape). But it is a large house with a large yard so it seems like a lot to take care of.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was a case worker for mentally I’ll older people, and things are much more stable for people who own their home. People who rent or live in governement housing can be evicted, and landlords will work to evict mentally ill people who are disruptive, don’t pay the rent, frighten others, hoard, etc. You can’t take away someone’s housing for those things if they own it!

Could you buy her a tiny house so she’ll have a place to live? That would reduce substantially her risk of homelessness.

As a PP said, I institutionalization isn’t a thing anymore for the mentally ill. It is for the developmentally delayed or those with physical impairments that prevent self care (like eating and toileting). She should already be on disability - if not, work on that.

This is good advice and the pp that mentioned letting her have mother's home if she owns it - great idea. Likely she WILL need to live on her own until there are other reasons so living in mom's home would give her a stable spot. Ways you could help would be things like - paying for people to come take care of the yard once a month, having someone come clean and generally doing some house upkeep so the house doesn't fall into TOTAL disrepair as she likely won't be able to keep up with all of that and will lead to a better quality of life for her if it's taken care of and she can just focus on groceries, etc. Also, it's possible that her daughter will provide a very supportive role if she is 20+ when this happens. Though it would be VERY kind of you to help her navigate it, and potentially provide some funds if you are able so that her mom's quality of life can stay ok.

My husband and I would like to avoid her daughter having to take care of her. We have seen what a burden that can be. Given the location of their town and the economy there it would basically mean the daughter would give up her life. She is so smart and deserves every chance to go to college (we are paying for her to go to college). I just don't want her stuck in this very poor rural town with nothing to do for the rest of her mom's life. I also think she already resents her mom as she has been essentially been the adult in their relationship her entire life so far (she helps makes sure her mom eats). I don't know it just sucks.

Pp here. It really does suck op, I'm so sorry. For all of you (sister very much included). I appreciate this and is a great thing to provide your support to sister and niece so that niece isn't completely burdened by this. It is possible that daughter will still WANT to have more interaction and involvement than you anticipate. It may not be the case, but in many cases especially for a child that has been parentified like you describe, the entanglement can sometimes be a lot AND at the end of the day she will be considered the closest relative once she's over 18 (and in most states the power of attorney by default unless new forms are signed) so, you may want to prepare yourself to support her and let her be involved in some of the decisions. If you all are taking on much of this (having groceries delivered, having someone take care of the yard) it can take a burden off. And it may still be tough for your niece to leave. Mostly I just want to say keep your expectations to a minimum and try to go in with the understanding that this will likely be very complicated for your niece, despite your generous offer to pay for college so be empathic as she navigates this and tries to learn how to have boundaries with her mom.

The pp above had some good advice and I wanted to say is there a reason instead of buying a new property that when mother dies you could just pay off the mortgage of the current property? It may be a lot easier on your SIL to remain in the place she knows and is comfortable and easier on all of you than trying to move her. It's just something to consider.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was a case worker for mentally I’ll older people, and things are much more stable for people who own their home. People who rent or live in governement housing can be evicted, and landlords will work to evict mentally ill people who are disruptive, don’t pay the rent, frighten others, hoard, etc. You can’t take away someone’s housing for those things if they own it!

Could you buy her a tiny house so she’ll have a place to live? That would reduce substantially her risk of homelessness.

As a PP said, I institutionalization isn’t a thing anymore for the mentally ill. It is for the developmentally delayed or those with physical impairments that prevent self care (like eating and toileting). She should already be on disability - if not, work on that.

This is good advice and the pp that mentioned letting her have mother's home if she owns it - great idea. Likely she WILL need to live on her own until there are other reasons so living in mom's home would give her a stable spot. Ways you could help would be things like - paying for people to come take care of the yard once a month, having someone come clean and generally doing some house upkeep so the house doesn't fall into TOTAL disrepair as she likely won't be able to keep up with all of that and will lead to a better quality of life for her if it's taken care of and she can just focus on groceries, etc. Also, it's possible that her daughter will provide a very supportive role if she is 20+ when this happens. Though it would be VERY kind of you to help her navigate it, and potentially provide some funds if you are able so that her mom's quality of life can stay ok.

My husband and I would like to avoid her daughter having to take care of her. We have seen what a burden that can be. Given the location of their town and the economy there it would basically mean the daughter would give up her life. She is so smart and deserves every chance to go to college (we are paying for her to go to college). I just don't want her stuck in this very poor rural town with nothing to do for the rest of her mom's life. I also think she already resents her mom as she has been essentially been the adult in their relationship her entire life so far (she helps makes sure her mom eats). I don't know it just sucks.

Anonymous wrote:I'm the 12:57 poster.

I'm sorry I did not read some of your updates.

I like the idea of a little house. Pay the taxes once a year, pay the utilities and get a food delivery once a week.

You SIL may qualify for aids paid by the government. She may qualify for this now. They would come around 4-6-8 hours a day. The standards won't be up to how you live but it will be better than living in a car.

Another option is a group home. This may be more of a long shot due to the mental health issues.

The more separation you and the daughter have the healthier it will be for you.

Anonymous wrote:We have a lot of mental illness in my family.

I highly recommend do what is easiest on you.

Commitment for mental illness no longer exists in the US other than 1-3 days short term.

Why do you want conservatorship? If there is no money there and she does not want to be on meds I question even seeking conservatorship. Why subject yourself to the hassle?

Why can't she live alone in MIL's house? You'd be surprised what the mentally ill can accomplish when they need to.
Have someone pay the taxes once a year, utilities monthly and get a grocery delivery service weekly. Can SIL walk to a grocery store?

Depending upon how long your Mom lives a lot of the decisions may fall to the daughter. Daughter, when 18 might not go away to college or might not move with Dad.
It is hard to say. Certainly the daughter would have a strong say in any decisions.

I'd look into getting her on medicaid, disability and food stamps now. This is probably much easier while Mom is alive.

What is MIL's housing situation? It is probably easier to keep her in MIL's house.

It is not necessarily a bad thing for SIL to call the cops. Many times the cops will get services linked up with SIL. It is not necessarily a bad thing if someone calls emergency and she ends up in emergency care. A lot depends upon what state she is in but there is a fair amount of services out there.

It is not illegal to have mental illness. It is not illegal to choose not to treat your mental illness. It is not illegal to live an odd lifestyle.

This will most likely be a journey. The daughter is the one who will need a lot of support.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was a case worker for mentally I’ll older people, and things are much more stable for people who own their home. People who rent or live in governement housing can be evicted, and landlords will work to evict mentally ill people who are disruptive, don’t pay the rent, frighten others, hoard, etc. You can’t take away someone’s housing for those things if they own it!

Could you buy her a tiny house so she’ll have a place to live? That would reduce substantially her risk of homelessness.

As a PP said, I institutionalization isn’t a thing anymore for the mentally ill. It is for the developmentally delayed or those with physical impairments that prevent self care (like eating and toileting). She should already be on disability - if not, work on that.

This is good advice and the pp that mentioned letting her have mother's home if she owns it - great idea. Likely she WILL need to live on her own until there are other reasons so living in mom's home would give her a stable spot. Ways you could help would be things like - paying for people to come take care of the yard once a month, having someone come clean and generally doing some house upkeep so the house doesn't fall into TOTAL disrepair as she likely won't be able to keep up with all of that and will lead to a better quality of life for her if it's taken care of and she can just focus on groceries, etc. Also, it's possible that her daughter will provide a very supportive role if she is 20+ when this happens. Though it would be VERY kind of you to help her navigate it, and potentially provide some funds if you are able so that her mom's quality of life can stay ok.

Anonymous wrote:I was a case worker for mentally I’ll older people, and things are much more stable for people who own their home. People who rent or live in governement housing can be evicted, and landlords will work to evict mentally ill people who are disruptive, don’t pay the rent, frighten others, hoard, etc. You can’t take away someone’s housing for those things if they own it!

Could you buy her a tiny house so she’ll have a place to live? That would reduce substantially her risk of homelessness.

As a PP said, I institutionalization isn’t a thing anymore for the mentally ill. It is for the developmentally delayed or those with physical impairments that prevent self care (like eating and toileting). She should already be on disability - if not, work on that.