Anonymous
07/29/2022 18:02
Subject: Re:Playing favorites with the first child
"^^Found the golden child"
You made my day! LOL!
-OP
You made my day! LOL!
-OP
Anonymous
07/29/2022 09:30
Subject: Playing favorites with the first child
I'm the oldest of 3 and while I was definitely my grandparents favorite my parents favorited my sister, the youngest (I'm 8 years older than her).
Anonymous
07/28/2022 21:28
Subject: Playing favorites with the first child
I'm particularly sensitive to this because my parents plated favorites. It's not always the firstborn. In my family of origin the favorite is the second child. Interestingly it's now starting to backfire on the same parents who spoiled her.
Oh my parents were a first child and a second child but both were the favored child.
Oh my parents were a first child and a second child but both were the favored child.
Anonymous
07/28/2022 07:29
Subject: Re:Playing favorites with the first child
Anonymous wrote:How would anyone here know? Ask them.
“I saw you gave Billybob your truck for his 18th birthday. Is Jimmyjohn getting one as well when he turns 18? Just trying to figure out expectations for when my son turns 18.”
“Oh he’s not. What’s up with that?”
A lot of people here would know as they've experienced the same thing.
Anonymous
07/28/2022 06:39
Subject: Playing favorites with the first child
Anonymous wrote:Dalton Conley, a sociology professor at Princeton, has a book on this called The Pecking Order. He was doing research on inequality, and found a lot of inequality within families. He found a number of conclusions.
1) Kids are worse off the more children the parents have, even controlling for religious beliefs about family size
2) Middle kids do have it worse, as they never experience life as an only, so they never have a period when all of their parents' resources are focused on them.
3) Many families have a favorite child, and the kids generally agree on who it is.
4) The inequality is worse in poorer families, as they have fewer resources to begin with. They may focus resources on the kid who has the best chance of making it, or if one kid is the favorite, the baseline for the other kids is lower.
5) There is a lot of idiosyncrasy. He mentions both of the processes that previous posters have mentioned: younger kids who have better lifestyles, as their parents are more successful later in life, or parents who have a professional setback or health crisis, so the younger ones end up having fewer advantages in childhood.
This tracks (I’m from a family of four kids). The idiosyncrasy in my family is that the eldest is actually the black sheep (or prodigal son, depending on how you look at it). The favorite is the second child and first daughter (we all agree except my sister who feels so entitled to the extra attention and support that it has never occurred to her that it could be any other way). And the youngest, though not the favorite, definitely got more material support due to family finances.
I’m the 3rd and a classic middle child but I am sometimes grateful for this because it made me more independent and afforded me more if one kind of freedom (to choose my life, since no one seemed to care what I did). I actually think my sister, the favorite, got kind of messed up by how enmeshed she is by my parents and I would not have wanted that for myself.
Anonymous
07/28/2022 05:54
Subject: Playing favorites with the first child
Dalton Conley, a sociology professor at Princeton, has a book on this called The Pecking Order. He was doing research on inequality, and found a lot of inequality within families. He found a number of conclusions.
1) Kids are worse off the more children the parents have, even controlling for religious beliefs about family size
2) Middle kids do have it worse, as they never experience life as an only, so they never have a period when all of their parents' resources are focused on them.
3) Many families have a favorite child, and the kids generally agree on who it is.
4) The inequality is worse in poorer families, as they have fewer resources to begin with. They may focus resources on the kid who has the best chance of making it, or if one kid is the favorite, the baseline for the other kids is lower.
5) There is a lot of idiosyncrasy. He mentions both of the processes that previous posters have mentioned: younger kids who have better lifestyles, as their parents are more successful later in life, or parents who have a professional setback or health crisis, so the younger ones end up having fewer advantages in childhood.
1) Kids are worse off the more children the parents have, even controlling for religious beliefs about family size
2) Middle kids do have it worse, as they never experience life as an only, so they never have a period when all of their parents' resources are focused on them.
3) Many families have a favorite child, and the kids generally agree on who it is.
4) The inequality is worse in poorer families, as they have fewer resources to begin with. They may focus resources on the kid who has the best chance of making it, or if one kid is the favorite, the baseline for the other kids is lower.
5) There is a lot of idiosyncrasy. He mentions both of the processes that previous posters have mentioned: younger kids who have better lifestyles, as their parents are more successful later in life, or parents who have a professional setback or health crisis, so the younger ones end up having fewer advantages in childhood.
Anonymous
07/28/2022 03:22
Subject: Playing favorites with the first child
Anonymous wrote:My sister is an oldest and strongly favors her oldest. It is so sad that the younger boy acts out and has "been diagnosed with oppositional defiant disorder". He's just starved for love. My family had the typical toxic dynamic with golden child, black sheep, and you know the other one who continues to think the parent will love them a little more only of they......
Can you take him sometimes and give him attention.
Anonymous
07/28/2022 02:55
Subject: Playing favorites with the first child
My sister is an oldest and strongly favors her oldest. It is so sad that the younger boy acts out and has "been diagnosed with oppositional defiant disorder". He's just starved for love. My family had the typical toxic dynamic with golden child, black sheep, and you know the other one who continues to think the parent will love them a little more only of they......
Anonymous
07/28/2022 01:08
Subject: Playing favorites with the first child
Anonymous wrote:I don’t know anyone like this - either you’re a bean counter or you need a better circle.
^^Found the golden child
Anonymous
07/27/2022 16:02
Subject: Re:Playing favorites with the first child
"It's also partly personality too, at least with the designer clothes and stuff. She is much more into luxury things than I am."
This is the kind of stuff I've seen. The person who got less has learned to make it make sense. It's like it becomes second nature to just believe that Larlo is into luxury things and I'm not. Never mind that the parents wouldn't indulge their interest in those things, while they'll gladly pay for Larlo to have nothing but the best.
"Larlo likes fancy schools like Vanderbilt and I was perfectly fine going to Kentucky State." Never mind that mom and dad wouldn't even let me apply to Vanderbilt.
This is the kind of stuff I've seen. The person who got less has learned to make it make sense. It's like it becomes second nature to just believe that Larlo is into luxury things and I'm not. Never mind that the parents wouldn't indulge their interest in those things, while they'll gladly pay for Larlo to have nothing but the best.
"Larlo likes fancy schools like Vanderbilt and I was perfectly fine going to Kentucky State." Never mind that mom and dad wouldn't even let me apply to Vanderbilt.
Anonymous
07/27/2022 14:13
Subject: Playing favorites with the first child
A FB friend always highlights her oldest DD's talents and achievements while either ignoring or humorously complaining about the younger DD's life. It's so blatant and sad.
Anonymous
07/27/2022 10:43
Subject: Playing favorites with the first child
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I don't see favoritism like this among my friends very often. When I do, it's more often the youngest than the oldest, and usually because the family is better off when that kid is born/grows up than when they had their first, so the reasoning is "I would have done the same for Larlo if I could have".
I saw this too. The youngest got the plushest life because the parents were more affluent.
Yeah, this was me growing up. Parents were pretty broke when my older siblings were young, so any luxuries came from grandparents. They could afford more by the time I came around.
Anonymous
07/27/2022 10:03
Subject: Playing favorites with the first child
Anonymous wrote:I don't see favoritism like this among my friends very often. When I do, it's more often the youngest than the oldest, and usually because the family is better off when that kid is born/grows up than when they had their first, so the reasoning is "I would have done the same for Larlo if I could have".
+1 my sister and I were 7 years apart and my parents were much better off during her HS years than mine. She went to private school, had an expensive competition horse (we were both riders), wore designer clothes, etc. I didn't want for anything but I went to public school, rode school/camp horses, had a clothing allowance of $80/month. It doesn't bother me though, if my parents had that much money when I was in HS they would have spent it on me too. It's also partly personality too, at least with the designer clothes and stuff. She is much more into luxury things than I am.
Anonymous
07/27/2022 10:01
Subject: Playing favorites with the first child
Anonymous wrote:I don't see favoritism like this among my friends very often. When I do, it's more often the youngest than the oldest, and usually because the family is better off when that kid is born/grows up than when they had their first, so the reasoning is "I would have done the same for Larlo if I could have".
I saw this too. The youngest got the plushest life because the parents were more affluent.
Anonymous
07/27/2022 09:48
Subject: Playing favorites with the first child
I don't see favoritism like this among my friends very often. When I do, it's more often the youngest than the oldest, and usually because the family is better off when that kid is born/grows up than when they had their first, so the reasoning is "I would have done the same for Larlo if I could have".