Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok so this is my advice

Don't lend her your car again, ever
Don't take her on vacation any more - she's too old!
Don't talk to her every single day you're infantilizing her

You must be a childless spinster.

Erm no. A married parent of teens!

How much did you encourage her to think about other people when she was growing up? I'm not trying to blame you here, just thinking that some kids are naturally empathetic and some have to be taught. You probably had to learn to think about how other people were feeling because you needed to be able to predict how your self-involved mother was going to react to stuff.

So. Now you know your daughter needs to be reminded of these things. Tell her what you want to her to know:

"You can borrow my car for a few days, so find out when the garage can fit you in." When you hand over the keys, tell her that if she picks you up on [day the car is supposed to be ready], you can give her a ride to pick up her car.

If she doesn't seem to care how her grandmother is doing, tell her: "You seem pretty calm about this, but I'm really worried. Could you please make some soothing noises?" Don't ask her if she even cares about grandma; she doesn't have to feel a certain way. But she needs to learn to care -- or fake it -- about other people's feelings.

When she's touting her work abilities, empathize, non-sarcastically: "It's nice to be appreciated. It must feel really good to hear that they do." Or "I want to ask you if you've though about why they appreciate that so much without sounding like a job interviewer. But, like, did you think that was going to be the thing you got known for?" Try to get her into the heads of other people.

Some random thoughts...

If she has heard you vent a lot about your mom/her grandma and she thinks you have poor boundaries with her and refuse to change, she may not want to enable by listening to more venting

It can be a self-absorbed age, but I would definitely praise her for all the independence-holding down job, paying bills-too many young adults struggle in those areas

She will never be your BFF. It isn't good for her to become your confidant. Yes, she should ask about you, just don't expect too much emotional support. I gave my mom tons of emotional support and it drained me and her neediness grew. I learned in therapy with the power differential it wasn't fair for mom to dump on me so much and it was healthier for her to save it for friends and therapy.

My elderly mom is narcissistic too and I vent in therapy. I let my kids know what I deal with and the boundaries, but I don't expect emotional support from them-not their job.

If you load the car next time spell out boundaries right away and even put in writing and have her sign. Otherwise she can just get a rental.

Anonymous wrote:Can you be more specific about what you mean by self-absorbed versus altruistic, OP?

I think it’s normal for people in their 20s to be fairly self-absorbed. They are building their adult life and if unmarried and childless, this is a very good time to focus on yourself and your needs. Most people eventually marry and become parents, and that process shifts your focus (or at least divides your energies) onto other people. But before that happens, I personally think it’s okay to put yourself first. I think it can even help make people more altruistic long term because you learn how to care for yourself which is necessary for giving to others. I don’t believe in being so selfless that you neglect your own needs. That ultimately serves no one.

+1

You are really expecting her to have the perspective of someone your age without having the years of experience to go with it. She can't. Don't over inflate the grandma thing. If you need specific help, ask for it, but don't ask her and say she had to do it bc it's her grandma and she should want to do it, etc. You probably complained a lot about your mom over the years and she probably wonders why you want her to pander to someone who was so awful.

Anonymous wrote:Ok so this is my advice

Don't lend her your car again, ever
Don't take her on vacation any more - she's too old!
Don't talk to her every single day you're infantilizing her

You must be a childless spinster.

Your DD sounds sort of independent. She lives on her own and has full time employment. YAY! The car thing would bother me because after a few days she is taking advantage of you. Next time, tell her when you expect the car back. If she needs a week, she needs a rental. Complaining about expenses is normal, but your response should be, “What are you going to do about it?” My mother never gave advice. Instead, she would say, “You’ll figure it out.” And, I did.