Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was reading the thread on staying together for the kids, and someone said that they no longer love their spouse, but it was worth it to stay in the marriage to see the kids every day.

I know that divorce is difficult and painful, but if you trust that your ex-spouse is a good parent, the one benefit seems to be that you have entire days or weeks that you aren’t responsible for the kids at all.

Am I just a terrible mother? Looking in from the outside, every other weekend without the kids sounds great.

Yes. Kids are better off in an intact family. If you need personal time, get a babysitter, nanny, childcare, camp, grandparent to give you a break. Its not an easy job to raise kids but by having kids, you signed up for it, unless you were a minor or was raped. If you feel too overwhelmed and need professional help, seek that. If you don't want to be in this marriage for other reasons, seek marriage counseling. Bottom line is to understand your problems and find healthy solutions.

Or PP and her DH can just give each others weekends off? Why does one need to be divorced to do this?

Anonymous wrote:Eh, don't be jealous. It was hell getting to this point. I get some free time; all it took was ripping my home, kids, soul, finances, and mental health apart. If you look at me now and think I'm happy and peaceful, understand the effort it took to get here. I'd prefer a healthy intact marriage, but that wasn't a choice.

Not divorced yet but in progress and this is my feeling as well, assuming I reach the “happy and peaceful” side of things. Those of you who are jealous, your kids will be out of the house soon enough and you’ll probably think you were crazy to ever wish even a moment with your kids away.

I’m divorced. I LOVE seeing my child every day and I do really struggle when she’s with her dad for several days in a row.

But it’s been a tremendous boost to my career. I’m not on the hook anymore for 100% of drop offs and pickups. Half of my evenings and weekends I can work. This has allowed me to spend more time with my kid; I can take more time off during breaks because I can catch up later, I can leave work early more frequently so we get the afternoon together, etc.

As a separated parent, I don't understand this at all.

If you think every other weekend off is worth the huge hit to your finances that divorce or separation brings, why don't you just change your lifestyle, use that money, and go away every other weekend?

Eh, don't be jealous. It was hell getting to this point. I get some free time; all it took was ripping my home, kids, soul, finances, and mental health apart. If you look at me now and think I'm happy and peaceful, understand the effort it took to get here. I'd prefer a healthy intact marriage, but that wasn't a choice.

Anonymous wrote:I must add that divorce is fine but for right reasons, hating childcare isn't a good enough reason.

No shit, sherlock. No one was suggesting that.

Yes. I love my family, but would really love 50% alone time if I could have it. I had no idea how much alone time I really needed until I wasn't getting any.

Yes. My friend has so much time on her weeks off! She has been able to start up a really great business for herself and she can also use those times to hang out with her friends.

She didn't want the divorce and would have stayed for the kids, but it has turned out really well for her, and she and her ex co-parent really well. I have no idea whether or not the divorce is better for the kids, but they are thriving.

50/50 sounds great until you realize they spend time with the other parent but they don’t do sht and you’re still doing all the work.

On the other hand my XW didn’t do sht for the kids when we were still married and she lived in my house so 🤷‍♂️ no change on that front and I’m better off now.

Divorced dad here with 50-50. This summer I had kid vacation (2 weeks) which was really fun. Then I had girlfriend vacation (1 week) which was even more fun. Between the two vacations, I have had a much better summer than I ever did when I was married. Also, much better vacation sex.

Completely agree OP. I grew up with 50/50 custody from early toddlerhood. I didn’t realize until I became a parent that my parents were doing it on easy mode! What I wouldn’t give to be able to lean on a competent stepmom like my mom always could!

I am the friend you are jealous of. It is definitely a silver lining of divorce. I have my kids 60% of the time, and when I am with them I can focus on them and have quality time because I use the other days to work late and do errands and stuff. I also do not feel guilty doing things like getting a massage or a pedicure or going out with friends, because I don’t have to ask a “favor” from their dad, which is how it was when we were married. I can see that some of my friends who are married with children listen a little bit longingly. But, to be clear, I wouldn’t wish what happened with my marriage on anyone, and I would trade this for a strong partnership, loving husband and intact family. In other words I totally get why you might be jealous and it definitely has its advantages, but remember your friends probably suffered plenty to get there, so try to be happy for the ones who are now living well!

Anonymous wrote:I'm a happily married SAHM and sure, every other weekend "off" sounds lovely!

But this wouldn't happen in a vacuum. The flip side is that the other parent only sees the kids for 2 out of 14 days? That's not enough. I wouldn't want that for myself or for the father of my children.

Some alternate weeks.

I'm a happily married SAHM and sure, every other weekend "off" sounds lovely!

But this wouldn't happen in a vacuum. The flip side is that the other parent only sees the kids for 2 out of 14 days? That's not enough. I wouldn't want that for myself or for the father of my children.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The reason I had kids was to spend time with them.
Also, if my spouse was a good parent, why on earth would I divorce them?

Because he’s a bad husband.

And/or he leaves you. I have 50/50 custody. It is hard to miss time with my kid, but I also do extra hours at work and adult socializing when she isn't with me so we can enjoy our time when we are together. I feel for my married default parent friends.

I was a married default parent. I don't think 50/50 is better. Both are pretty bad-- just different.