Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thank you all for such words of wisdom. It brought tears to my eyes. This is my first experience caring for a parent. My dad died suddenly from covid 18 months ago.
My brother demanded a meeting with a social worker he hired. The social worker completely sided with me. My brother left the meeting angry muttering under his breath. My mother wants my brother and I to make amends but it’s been impossible because he continues to question her cost of care. He’s obsessed with HER MONEY. He’s not married, has no children and is financially comfortable.
I’ve talked to my mom over and over how she can afford the best care with the money my father and her saved. Sometimes she’ll say, “but I won’t have anything left to leave to my children”. Ugh I want to pull my hair out! My brother and I only grow further apart and I don’t see us ever making amends.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this the same poster who keeps posting about assisted living and her brothers every month or so?

NP here
The one whose mom is just so beautiful and youthful that it's depressing for her to be around all the "old people" at the assisted living? The one whose mother played piano in the assisted living common room to a standing ovation from all the other residents and staff?
I believe so--same writing style and phrases used.

Anonymous wrote:Is this the same poster who keeps posting about assisted living and her brothers every month or so?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thank you all for such words of wisdom. It brought tears to my eyes. This is my first experience caring for a parent. My dad died suddenly from covid 18 months ago.
My brother demanded a meeting with a social worker he hired. The social worker completely sided with me. My brother left the meeting angry muttering under his breath. My mother wants my brother and I to make amends but it’s been impossible because he continues to question her cost of care. He’s obsessed with HER MONEY. He’s not married, has no children and is financially comfortable.
I’ve talked to my mom over and over how she can afford the best care with the money my father and her saved. Sometimes she’ll say, “but I won’t have anything left to leave to my children”. Ugh I want to pull my hair out! My brother and I only grow further apart and I don’t see us ever making amends.

Are you a mother? I can understand her POV. My children are everything to me, I would gladly go without if it meant more for them. And it would break my heart if my kids were estranged, especially if it was over me.

Can you detach with love? You don’t need to be best friends with your brother, but try to have some sort of relationship, even if it’s just cordial. Separate his actions from the fact that he’s your brother.

Anonymous wrote:Unwarranted suspicion that a trusted caretaker is stealing funds is very common sign of age-related cognitive decline. Do not take it personally. Do protect yourself and your mother however from your brother, who clearly values his potential financial windfall over the quality of his mother’s end-of-life care. That indicates he cannot be trusted.

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thank you all for such words of wisdom. It brought tears to my eyes. This is my first experience caring for a parent. My dad died suddenly from covid 18 months ago.
My brother demanded a meeting with a social worker he hired. The social worker completely sided with me. My brother left the meeting angry muttering under his breath. My mother wants my brother and I to make amends but it’s been impossible because he continues to question her cost of care. He’s obsessed with HER MONEY. He’s not married, has no children and is financially comfortable.
I’ve talked to my mom over and over how she can afford the best care with the money my father and her saved. Sometimes she’ll say, “but I won’t have anything left to leave to my children”. Ugh I want to pull my hair out! My brother and I only grow further apart and I don’t see us ever making amends.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s okay to take a break. Give yourself permission without feeling guilty. My mom is older and used to be kind but now is so angry and lashes out for everything. I had to step away from the regular contact for a little while for my mental health. Like your mom, she is taken care of and had plenty of friends and social interaction. You also have to take care of yourself and breath a little.

I’ve spent a lot of time reading the elder care forum and talking with my own friends. It’s sad to see how common the anger and anxiety are. I’m sorry you are going through this.

If you realize how common anger and anxiety are, then why can't you find it in yourself to continue regular contact? How hellish to enter that phase of old age only to have people abandon you in your hour of need, for something one can't even help.

You obviously don’t know what this is like. Giving my self a break without contact in this case meant I have gone 3 days without speaking to her, while I have still checked in with others. It’s not weeks or months. I was at least calling and talking to her daily and it can be a lot on top of working and taking care of my own family. Judge away but you can’t relate until you have lived it. I have other siblings too and they have spoken to her this week on the phone and in person. She is far from abandoned.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s okay to take a break. Give yourself permission without feeling guilty. My mom is older and used to be kind but now is so angry and lashes out for everything. I had to step away from the regular contact for a little while for my mental health. Like your mom, she is taken care of and had plenty of friends and social interaction. You also have to take care of yourself and breath a little.

I’ve spent a lot of time reading the elder care forum and talking with my own friends. It’s sad to see how common the anger and anxiety are. I’m sorry you are going through this.

If you realize how common anger and anxiety are, then why can't you find it in yourself to continue regular contact? How hellish to enter that phase of old age only to have people abandon you in your hour of need, for something one can't even help.

Anonymous wrote:I’m the only daughter who has taken complete control of my moms care since her loss of independence last year. She now lives in a beautiful AL with tons of friends.. I live an hr away and visit weekly. Meanwhile my brother and I have been estranged thru all this because he feels her cost of care is ridiculous which is whittling down our inheritance. He badgers her incessantly about the money she’s “wasting” on her care. I hired a financial advisor and showed her the numbers which shows she has enough till she’s 125 yrs old.
We’ve had a great relationship and in front of people she gloats about what a wonderful daughter I am. Well I know now she’s playing both sides and continues to believe my brother who accused me of stealing from her bank acct. She demanded I show her her bank statements in which I did. Of course it showed zero funds missing. Since then she has been very short with me and doesn’t call. The best part is she still expects me to visit her weekly. I have not been to see her in a few weeks and she’s furious. I’m so hurt she doesn’t trust me after all I’ve done and I’m not up to being around her right now. Fyi I don’t need her money because I have 10 times more than she does. I’m literally sick over what has transpired with our once very loving relationship.

Anonymous wrote:Unwarranted suspicion that a trusted caretaker is stealing funds is very common sign of age-related cognitive decline. Do not take it personally. Do protect yourself and your mother however from your brother, who clearly values his potential financial windfall over the quality of his mother’s end-of-life care. That indicates he cannot be trusted.