Anonymous wrote:Is it better to be in the same college or be 2-3 hours away?

definitely not the same college!!!!!! I think 2 hours is the perfect distance, not too far to visit when needed, not too close that their lives revolve around each other.

Is it better to be in the same college or be 2-3 hours away?

My DD did. In fact, we had to make a stop as I was driving her off for freshman year to say goodbye (again) to him. I liked him I thought they would stay together, for a while at least.

Six weeks later she started dating someone at college. They've now been together five years. I can't help it, but I liked the old boyfriend a lot better.

On the other, hand my sister and her HS boyfriend went to college together, got married right after, and are still together 20+ years later.

I'm in a similar boat, OP. DS and GF have been together for two years and are adorable together - have a surprisingly mature and comfortable relationship. They will be going to schools states away from each other so no opportunity to see each other during the semester but are planning to try to make it work. I have the same concerns - will he hesitate to make friends, connect with other students, get involved, let himself get immersed since she isn't there. But I am trying to let those concerns go and just be supportive. It will be so hard for them, no matter what they choose, so when he comes to me for advice we talk it through, but ultimately he's the one who will be living with the situation so needs to figure it out, and I'll be here to support and guide when I can.

Anonymous wrote:DD and her HS boyfriend ended up at college together; relationship unraveled quickly and they broke up by end of October freshman year.

Same for mine!

Yes! DH and I were very serious in high school and both decided to break up before we went to colleges on opposite coasts. It helped that my family moved so no holiday break or summers in the same town.

We got back together the summer before senior year when we accidentally ran into each other in London!

Anonymous wrote:Op, here's a good parenting mantra: Do not impede. Do not promote.

Do not give any impression -that you- know what's best. You do not. You have no crystal ball.

Wow. I failed by this metric.

I just care too much to exude neutrality (and I HAVE learned a lot in my 60 years of living, that I can't help but share).

I am not doubting the wisdom of your advice, just admitting that my kid did not have the benefit of a parent who was cut from that cloth.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD has been with her boyfriend for over a year and they are still very serious. She will be going to UVA and he will be heading to Tech in the fall. I fear that this will have a negative impact on her making friends, she’s a rather shy kid anyways.

Has anyone else had a kid in this situation? Did it harm them socially in college?

Obviously, there are a few who work out. But, my observation over the past 20 years is that most break up by Thanksgiving. By that time, however, they have squandered the most important few months of everyone meeting and mixing, and the social connections are more set. The better course is to break it off before going to college, or at least make it an open arrangement -- so that a freshman does have motivation to meet others during the beginning months of freshman year.

Mark my words -- by Tgiving, one or the other will see that long distance isn't worth the effort.

The distance between UVA and Tech is not really “long”. They could easily see each other every weekend. Any farther than the two hours there, and yeah that would be a pain. My DD had a relationship her senior year HS With a hometown guy who was in school four hours away. Now that sucked.

I think it's helpful to be reassuring. If it's meant to be then love will find a way. It's not worth trying to force a relationship. The people I know who ended up with their high school loves found a way to give each other space to make new friends and grow individually during college. They stayed in touch but weren't in constant contact or hovering. They eventually reconnected post-graduation and decided to be more serious.

Anonymous wrote:DD has been with her boyfriend for over a year and they are still very serious. She will be going to UVA and he will be heading to Tech in the fall. I fear that this will have a negative impact on her making friends, she’s a rather shy kid anyways.

Has anyone else had a kid in this situation? Did it harm them socially in college?

Obviously, there are a few who work out. But, my observation over the past 20 years is that most break up by Thanksgiving. By that time, however, they have squandered the most important few months of everyone meeting and mixing, and the social connections are more set. The better course is to break it off before going to college, or at least make it an open arrangement -- so that a freshman does have motivation to meet others during the beginning months of freshman year.

Mark my words -- by Tgiving, one or the other will see that long distance isn't worth the effort.

Anonymous wrote:Yup And they survived a Looooong Distance freshman year. Unfortunately. I’m crossing fingers that the breakup happens sophomore year

I understand this, my DS made it through the year too but he’s told me he realizes that she’s not going to marry her, she’s not the one. So I wish he’d be open to meeting new people at school so they both can find the love of their lives.

My DS will be a freshman this Fall. DS and GF will be dating a year in Sept. They will be in diff geographical areas and both playing Fall sports at their respective Univ. So, no ability to see each other until winter break. I am staying out of it. They know what they are up against. However, since both will have no time for each other during their sports season, it could work out. Time will tell.

Mine had a relationship that made it through March of first yr of college and finally ended. They were about 3 hours apart and had a number of visits. I don’t think she’d say it kept her from getting involved in her own school life, she seems to have made a lot of friends and gotten involved in a ton of things on campus, it just added an extra layer of intensity and complexity to that first year of school. FWIW it also kept her out of the hookup scene. The breakup was very very hard but inevitable I guess. I don’t think she had started dating again yet but I’m sure it will happen.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They will start the breakup process at Fall Break and finish it at Thanksgiving.

AKA "The Turkey Drop"

For our child it was this. Dated 2.5 years in HS, went to separate colleges. Each one visited the other once, and they mutually broke up over Thanksgiving break.

Anonymous wrote:Yup And they survived a Looooong Distance freshman year. Unfortunately. I’m crossing fingers that the breakup happens sophomore year

That's mean.