Anonymous wrote:OP - I really hear you. Not that this is totally the same, but my mother and I were recently talking about my sister's baby, who has a degenerative disease that is going to kill her.

My sister told me how much it bothers her when people tell her they believe there'll be a miracle for this baby. I feel like she does - I don't find it comforting at all to think in terms of miracles. Like you, when faced with a really hard situation I prefer to keep my mind on what is likely and realistic. It's not that I can't abide hope, it's that I don't find hope to be helpful.

My mother looked shocked. She said she needs to believe there may be a miracle. She needs to hold onto hope. Your friend may just be a person like my mother, whose brain has to cling onto hope like that - and I think people whose brains are like that really don't understand people whose brains are more like ours. I think they think they can talk is into it.

I would approach my friend with empathy and straightforwardness. Maybe just say, "I love you for thinking these hopeful things. But to me, they are causing me more stress. I know this is going to sound counter-intuitive to you, but I really need you to not tell me that everything is going to be great. You can think it, but please don't say it."

I would probably soften it up a lot when having the conversation - I am a people pleaser - but I think if you're going to stay friends with this person and not eventually blow up at them, you need to have this conversation.

Good luck with what's ahead!

Anonymous wrote:OP here - thank you for the thoughtful replies. It’s good to hear your perspectives and talked me off a ledge a bit. I do appreciate the encouragement from friends. I also hear you - save concerns for therapy. I mostly do, though occasionally a friend will ask how I’m doing or how things are going and I answer honestly (not too much detail but what’s on my mind).

Anyway, thank you. I needed these posts today.

Anonymous wrote:This is an excellent topic of discussion for your therapist. I am being treated for metastatic cancer and I had to work through my husband’s tendency to shut down my worries and constantly exhort me to “think positively and don’t give up!” Of course he was/is terrified that I am going to die and needs
me to fight, but it felt like I couldn’t express myself. We worked through this with my therapist, who gave us the right language to communicate better.

In the case of your friends, I imagine they are looking at the long game in which you WILL be okay and that your childrens’ lives will be so much better when their home situations is less chaotic and safer. But it will be hard and good friends will be there to help. Good luck to you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would you prefer toxic negativity? Let’s hope your therapy works.

Oh, so if your friend or neighbor got a terminal cancer diagnosis, you wouldn't honor that reality, you'd just be like, "I'm sure your team of doctors is WRONG and you'll be doing cartwheels by next Sunday!"?

Or would you wish them well in a realistic and authentic way? "I'm sorry to hear about the challenges you are facing, and I hope your treatments help and that you are comfortable. I am available to do X or Y or anything that might be helpful."

Do you see the difference between toxic positivity and simply being there for someone?

Anonymous wrote:I’m in my late 40s and have two young kids and on the verge of divorcing an abusive, alcoholic husband. It’s probably five years overdue but I’m doing it. It’s obviously hard and sad and I realize that my life as a divorced mom with primary responsibility for two young children and a full time job will be really hard. I don’t have any family help - my dad is elderly, my mom deceased, and my sister is overseas and contending with her own issues. My in laws, unsurprisingly, froze me out the second they learned I was seeking to divorce.