Ugh, do we have the same MIL?

When I was pregnant with my second, I developed dysautonomia and unable to take care of my toddler. I had MIL, step-MIL, and a babysitter lined up to help me in the mornings. Everyone else was on time and actually helpful, but MIL showed up half an hour late one week, then an hour the next, until finally she was texting me at 11:30 asking if I wanted to go out to lunch with her. Yes MIL, I can't stand up and take care of my toddler, but let's definitely have a ladies lunch, that's just as helpful as 3 hours of childcare.

Now my kids are older so there's nothing she can do to help that they can't do themselves. She's still flaky and cancels at least half of the visits she arranges. For some reason she thinks she needs to see them between getting home from school (middle and elementary) and DH coming home from work, which is not a large window. I'd rather we just invite her over for dinner than take up the one afternoon the kids don't have an activity with MIL maybe arriving, or not.

Definitely agree that you shouldn't go out of your way to accommodate someone so flaky. Go about your normal day and if she shows up, then you can circle back home. Tell her the kids want to see this movie playing at 1, so she'll have to leave for the theater at 12:30. Or switch her to dinner with the whole family so your DH can help too. If she complains to DH, just let that roll off your back. You're doing your best and she's making your life harder. TBH I'd just be out of effs to give.

My kids get so excited to see grandma and would be all dressed and waiting, and waiting, and waiting. They'd drive me crazy asking where grandma is.

I've had this happen a lot to me and it makes me want to rip my hair out. First they're coming at 9am- great! Kids are so much fun in the morning. Then they're coming at noon- okay I better think of something for lunch. Then they're coming at 1:30, which is the exact time that the kids go down for naps. So I don't really need their help anyways. And then they leave around 4pm and only saw the kids for an hour.

Once, they missed an entire birthday party that was at 10am. They were annoyed it was planned for 10 am, but... it's a kid's birthday and that's the best time for the other parents.

Next time she says she will be late just say that doesn't work for you and you will re-schedule.

If she keeps doing it then stop making the plans and say you don't need the break any more.

Is she coming to pick up your kids for an overnight or just coming to hang out for a few hours so you can have some down time? How old are your kids? I can see this being terribly disruptive if the kids are toddlers or younger. But if my MIL was going to take my toddlers overnight I wouldn’t have cared what time she showed up, lol.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband works a lot and about once a month my MIL comes and gives me a “break”. This is going to sound horribly ungrateful, and I don’t mean it to. Please bear with me! Honestly, these “breaks” cause me more stress than if I just had my kids here and occupied them with a movie and junk food.

This is how it goes. She will ask me if she can get them around noon. I say fine. The day comes and she will text and ask if 1230 is ok. Fine. Then five minutes before 1230, some emergency will happen and she will push it back to 2…no clue how she has so many predictable and convenient “emergencies” but anyway…2 comes and she will say she’s now in her car and headed over. So what was 12 is now 230. Every single time. Sometimes it is even later, or earlier, but never on time and I never know when she will roll in. And before you suggest I drive them to her, not only does it defeat the purpose of these “breaks”, but the same thing happens, she will keep calling to tell me she’s not ready.

And she will complain to my husband if too long goes between these visits! I oblige her because DH works so much and I SAH right now. But my stress levels are through the roof leading up to and especially on the day of. I want the breaks, I do, but not at the cost of my sanity. I’d just as easily put on a movie and give them chocolates for two hours to get things done.

Please help me. How can I overcome this mentally or is it ok to say no more?

You graciously accept her offer for noon but let her know you have to leave by 12:45 at the latest for an appointment. When she calls to say she'll be late you cheerfully thank her and say you'll just take the kids with you.

THIS - every single time

+1

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband works a lot and about once a month my MIL comes and gives me a “break”. This is going to sound horribly ungrateful, and I don’t mean it to. Please bear with me! Honestly, these “breaks” cause me more stress than if I just had my kids here and occupied them with a movie and junk food.

This is how it goes. She will ask me if she can get them around noon. I say fine. The day comes and she will text and ask if 1230 is ok. Fine. Then five minutes before 1230, some emergency will happen and she will push it back to 2…no clue how she has so many predictable and convenient “emergencies” but anyway…2 comes and she will say she’s now in her car and headed over. So what was 12 is now 230. Every single time. Sometimes it is even later, or earlier, but never on time and I never know when she will roll in. And before you suggest I drive them to her, not only does it defeat the purpose of these “breaks”, but the same thing happens, she will keep calling to tell me she’s not ready.

And she will complain to my husband if too long goes between these visits! I oblige her because DH works so much and I SAH right now. But my stress levels are through the roof leading up to and especially on the day of. I want the breaks, I do, but not at the cost of my sanity. I’d just as easily put on a movie and give them chocolates for two hours to get things done.

Please help me. How can I overcome this mentally or is it ok to say no more?

You graciously accept her offer for noon but let her know you have to leave by 12:45 at the latest for an appointment. When she calls to say she'll be late you cheerfully thank her and say you'll just take the kids with you.

THIS - every single time

I’d definitely try this, then see if it inspires her to be on time the next time.

does she keep them overnight or otherwise long enough to make it worth the hassle, or does she just keep them a couple hours? If the latter, then just hire a babysitter to come once a week or whatever to give you a break.

My MIL is the exact same way. Just started coming up with reasons why it wasn’t a good time for her to give us a “break” at her suggested time.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband works a lot and about once a month my MIL comes and gives me a “break”. This is going to sound horribly ungrateful, and I don’t mean it to. Please bear with me! Honestly, these “breaks” cause me more stress than if I just had my kids here and occupied them with a movie and junk food.

This is how it goes. She will ask me if she can get them around noon. I say fine. The day comes and she will text and ask if 1230 is ok. Fine. Then five minutes before 1230, some emergency will happen and she will push it back to 2…no clue how she has so many predictable and convenient “emergencies” but anyway…2 comes and she will say she’s now in her car and headed over. So what was 12 is now 230. Every single time. Sometimes it is even later, or earlier, but never on time and I never know when she will roll in. And before you suggest I drive them to her, not only does it defeat the purpose of these “breaks”, but the same thing happens, she will keep calling to tell me she’s not ready.

And she will complain to my husband if too long goes between these visits! I oblige her because DH works so much and I SAH right now. But my stress levels are through the roof leading up to and especially on the day of. I want the breaks, I do, but not at the cost of my sanity. I’d just as easily put on a movie and give them chocolates for two hours to get things done.

Please help me. How can I overcome this mentally or is it ok to say no more?

You graciously accept her offer for noon but let her know you have to leave by 12:45 at the latest for an appointment. When she calls to say she'll be late you cheerfully thank her and say you'll just take the kids with you.

THIS - every single time

Exactly this. When she sees that she has to be close to on time, she'll do better or she'll step back a little. Other options would be to take the kids out when she doesn't arrive by a certain time and offer to drop them off to her whenever you finish your activity/errand and her emergency is over, or to have an absolute end time for their visit, so when she tries rolling in at 2:30 or 3, it's too late for it to make sense for her to take them. When the kids are old enough to notice, they can call her out on being late and missing out on spending the day with them, but if you try to get the kids to call her out on it rather than letting it happen naturally, it will feel contrived and you'll look like a jerk. But when they do notice and call her out on it, and they likely will at some point, she might care enough to do better by them.

If she has ADHD and everyone enables her tardiness, it might be really hard to change. It's not impossible though, and she might not ever be perfect. But she can definitely do better.

Nope, not worth the stress or the aggravation to me. I would just hire real help if I needed it because this “help” comes with too much mental drain that you now have to manage. I would reduce these visits to 2-3 times a year at most and give her an absolute deadline as others have mentioned. If she’s not there within 30 minutes of planned arrival time, I would send a text and say “I couldn’t wait any longer and left for my appointment with the kids. Looks like today did it work out. We can try again next time.” And then do not respond to any further texts or calls until late evening or the next day. Then she can contact the son she raised to arrange any visits.

Anonymous wrote:You know how she is OP, make it work for you. If she is "supposed" to arrive noon, assume she will arrive sometime between 1:30 and 2:30 or whenever. Don't work the kids up, tell them grandma will be here sometime this afternoon and then plan to have stuff to do at home until.ahe gets there. Have them watch a movie and do something you need to do.

Grandma will not be able to change easily, just work around her.

Yeah, no. OP already has enough people in her life to “work around,” meaning small children. Grandma can either be a reliable helper, or she can visit when her son is home.

You know how she is OP, make it work for you. If she is "supposed" to arrive noon, assume she will arrive sometime between 1:30 and 2:30 or whenever. Don't work the kids up, tell them grandma will be here sometime this afternoon and then plan to have stuff to do at home until.ahe gets there. Have them watch a movie and do something you need to do.

Grandma will not be able to change easily, just work around her.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband works a lot and about once a month my MIL comes and gives me a “break”. This is going to sound horribly ungrateful, and I don’t mean it to. Please bear with me! Honestly, these “breaks” cause me more stress than if I just had my kids here and occupied them with a movie and junk food.

This is how it goes. She will ask me if she can get them around noon. I say fine. The day comes and she will text and ask if 1230 is ok. Fine. Then five minutes before 1230, some emergency will happen and she will push it back to 2…no clue how she has so many predictable and convenient “emergencies” but anyway…2 comes and she will say she’s now in her car and headed over. So what was 12 is now 230. Every single time. Sometimes it is even later, or earlier, but never on time and I never know when she will roll in. And before you suggest I drive them to her, not only does it defeat the purpose of these “breaks”, but the same thing happens, she will keep calling to tell me she’s not ready.

And she will complain to my husband if too long goes between these visits! I oblige her because DH works so much and I SAH right now. But my stress levels are through the roof leading up to and especially on the day of. I want the breaks, I do, but not at the cost of my sanity. I’d just as easily put on a movie and give them chocolates for two hours to get things done.

Please help me. How can I overcome this mentally or is it ok to say no more?

You graciously accept her offer for noon but let her know you have to leave by 12:45 at the latest for an appointment. When she calls to say she'll be late you cheerfully thank her and say you'll just take the kids with you.

THIS - every single time

Anonymous wrote:My husband works a lot and about once a month my MIL comes and gives me a “break”. This is going to sound horribly ungrateful, and I don’t mean it to. Please bear with me! Honestly, these “breaks” cause me more stress than if I just had my kids here and occupied them with a movie and junk food.

This is how it goes. She will ask me if she can get them around noon. I say fine. The day comes and she will text and ask if 1230 is ok. Fine. Then five minutes before 1230, some emergency will happen and she will push it back to 2…no clue how she has so many predictable and convenient “emergencies” but anyway…2 comes and she will say she’s now in her car and headed over. So what was 12 is now 230. Every single time. Sometimes it is even later, or earlier, but never on time and I never know when she will roll in. And before you suggest I drive them to her, not only does it defeat the purpose of these “breaks”, but the same thing happens, she will keep calling to tell me she’s not ready.

And she will complain to my husband if too long goes between these visits! I oblige her because DH works so much and I SAH right now. But my stress levels are through the roof leading up to and especially on the day of. I want the breaks, I do, but not at the cost of my sanity. I’d just as easily put on a movie and give them chocolates for two hours to get things done.

Please help me. How can I overcome this mentally or is it ok to say no more?

You graciously accept her offer for noon but let her know you have to leave by 12:45 at the latest for an appointment. When she calls to say she'll be late you cheerfully thank her and say you'll just take the kids with you.