Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Daughter just got engaged!! How soon do we start the who will pay for what discussions. Do we start with our daughter or the couple together. Any suggestions? p.s. we have never met future inlaws and it would require a plane ride to meet in person.

Groom pays for rehearsal dinner.

Bride pays for every thing else.

If both have been working for awhile, parents should not even have to pay for weddings.

This was never the rule, but something one group of people did. Please don't perpetuate it.

In east coast WASP culture, this most certainly was at one time “the rule.” For many generations.

How old are they?

We expected to pay for our wedding ourselves and planned accordingly. My parents offered to cover catering and flowers which was a huge help and very much appreciated. As such, it was slightly nicer than we probably would have done ourselves (e.g. I probably would have gone without flowers if we were going to pay for it ourselves).

I would have an idea of how much you are willing to contribute, and if there are any strings attached. (For example, willing to pay for the whole wedding but you want your entire extended family invited.) And then wait for her to initiate the conversation.

Op ~ surely this is not the first time you've thought about this issue! You've known this was coming.

My parents contributed 30k and told us we could spend it however we wanted to in terms of the wedding. They didn’t specify what they wanted it going to (wedding, honeymoon, dress etc etc etc). DH’s family does not have money so they did not contribute beyond wedding gifts.

We spent the 20k on wedding and honeymoon and saved 10k.

In your situation I would let your daughter know how much you are contributing and leave it at that. Her fiancés family may or may not also contribute.

My parents sat my fiancé and I down and said they’d pay 30k. They didn’t care what wedding we had or if we saved it all for a new home, but they wanted to be there to witness. They wrote us the check that night and had no strings attached. We spent 40k and had our entire families and friends present.

My in-laws didn’t say anything. Later on they mumbled something about a rehearsal dinner. Dh and I were super broke and could afford much (his car just died). We planned a rehearsal dinner we could afford- $350. And that is the only thing they gave us as a wedding gift. It also came a month after the wedding. Long after we paid off our credit card bill. Still perplexed by the whole thing. My In-laws barely covered their plate at our wedding. Whatever. They paid 50k and 70k for their daughters weddings a few years later. I never mentioned it but won’t do that to my son. My daughters and son will all get the same amount.

You tell DD “we are happy to contribute X toward the wedding”. She and her fiancé figure out the rest including whether they are getting anything from his folks.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Congrats to them! OP, if you have an amount you want to contribute as a gift, please let the couple know. That’s all you have to do!

My husband and I planned to pay for our entire wedding ourselves. We researched venues and vendors and set a budget we could afford. We ended up being gifted some very nice contributions from family members- mom paid for dress, father paid for venue, in-laws picked and paid for a florist. These were all offers and we were so thankful.

+1 when we got engaged, my parents just said: we can give you $10k toward the wedding, use it however you want. my spouse's parents did the same - same amount, even. it made it so much easier for us to plan, knowing what to expect as far as that went.

if you don't want to give a dollar amount, tell them what specifics you want to pay for - the venue, the drinks, whatever. just let them proceed with certainty.

and congrats!

+1

If you have money set aside to contribute, or want to pay for a specific part of the wedding, just let them know as soon as possible.

Anonymous wrote:Congrats to them! OP, if you have an amount you want to contribute as a gift, please let the couple know. That’s all you have to do!

My husband and I planned to pay for our entire wedding ourselves. We researched venues and vendors and set a budget we could afford. We ended up being gifted some very nice contributions from family members- mom paid for dress, father paid for venue, in-laws picked and paid for a florist. These were all offers and we were so thankful.

+1 when we got engaged, my parents just said: we can give you $10k toward the wedding, use it however you want. my spouse's parents did the same - same amount, even. it made it so much easier for us to plan, knowing what to expect as far as that went.

if you don't want to give a dollar amount, tell them what specifics you want to pay for - the venue, the drinks, whatever. just let them proceed with certainty.

and congrats!

Anonymous wrote:Groom pays for rehearsal dinner.

Bride pays for every thing else.

This is 2022, not 1922!

We have 3 kids (mix of boys/girls), and have saved/earmarked $50k for each of their weddings. If the other family contributes too, great. If they elope and use the money towards a house, great. If they want to use just our funds, or add to it, great. Their wedding, their lives, their choices. ZERO judgment from us.

How much is the dowery?

Anonymous wrote:My Dh and I paid for our own wedding because we make more $$ than my parents did.

We told our daughter that we would give her x amount (a substantial five figure sum) for a wedding. She could have a small wedding and use the money for a down payment on a house (or whatever) or use it for a big wedding. She chose to spend it on the wedding, which was lovely, but she confided just a few years later that she regretted not using the money toward their house.

This is fine, but it’s also fine to insist on a wedding if you’re paying for it. It doesn’t have to be fungible, and they can always kindly decline. My parents paid for our wedding because they wanted to throw a big bash. They had a great time, so did we, everybody wins.

If you want to pay for anything, offer to her or both soon. Think about what your boundaries will be. Are you planning together and paying the bills? Or giving them a budget? If you don’t want to pay for anything, and they might assume otherwise based on family tradition, you should gently say so, soon.

My Dh and I paid for our own wedding because we make more $$ than my parents did.

We told our daughter that we would give her x amount (a substantial five figure sum) for a wedding. She could have a small wedding and use the money for a down payment on a house (or whatever) or use it for a big wedding. She chose to spend it on the wedding, which was lovely, but she confided just a few years later that she regretted not using the money toward their house.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Daughter just got engaged!! How soon do we start the who will pay for what discussions. Do we start with our daughter or the couple together. Any suggestions? p.s. we have never met future inlaws and it would require a plane ride to meet in person.

Groom pays for rehearsal dinner.

Bride pays for every thing else.

If both have been working for awhile, parents should not even have to pay for weddings.

not anymore!

Just give them whatever $ you want to as a gift and let them figure everything else out. If they are old enough to make a lifetime commitment they are old enough to plan and pay for a party.